World Funniest Posts of the Year 2006 Nominees

[dan1]

First Nominee, Zev

JMS: Alright guys, this is what we trained for.

HUDLIN: Wonder Twin powers, activate!

PETER DAVID: Go go Jet Jaguar!

THE OTHER: By your powers combined, I am... a crappy twelve-part crossover!

***

PETER: So I'm having this Foreboding Dream, right? In it, the Marvel editors are saying I've become stale and irrelevant. They say I need to change...

MARY-JANE: You think they're going to give you a new costume? Again?

PETER: No... speaking of which, I got my new costume in one issue, with zero build-up, while this crap takes twelve issues to get over with. Did decompressed storytelling just step out for a lunch break there?

MARY-JANE: No, you see, your new costume is only part of the Road to Civil War. Civil War: Whose side are you on?

PETER: I'm on the side I've always been on... my own.

MARY-JANE: Peter, you know only badasses like Wolverine and Nick Fury are allowed to say badass stuff. You're only the goofy comic relief.

PETER: Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, back to having sex.

MARY-JANE: Wait, we were discussing your Foreboding Dreams while having sex? Isn't that a little creepy?

PETER: It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.

***

TRACER: Hello folks, I'm a new villain. I have nothing whatsoever to do with the story arc and will in short order disappear. So, just ignore me.

SPIDER-MAN: Creesus, a new superfoe! I better have a flashback to my mentor to guide me through the fight scene!

***

UNCLE BEN: Remember Peter, with great power comes...

PETER: Not that far back.

***

EZEKIAL: You have the power of the spider within you, Peter, all you have to do is...

PETER: JMS wankery can't save me now!

***

RAMIREZ: Careful, Highlander! If your head comes away from your neck, it's over!

PETER: Nope.

***

CAPTAIN AMERICA: TAI CHI!

PETER: Yeah, that's the ticket!

***

SPIDER-MAN: And now I will catch your bullets with the power of tai chi!

BULLETS: HIT!

SPIDER-MAN: Damn, I forgot I'm not the Flash.

***

SPIDER-MAN: Whoa, Night Nurse. Thanks for the help.

DOCTOR: I'm not Night Nurse. I'm a completely different doctor who helps superheroes when they're injured, although you've never heard of me before.

SPIDER-MAN: Should I be worried you're going to let me die to prove a point to Batman?

DOCTOR: Wrong continuity, dumbkopf.

SPIDER-MAN: Why'd you call me a dumbkopf?

DOCTOR: What's your name?

SPIDER-MAN: Peter.

DOCTOR: That's why.

***

MARY-JANE: Peter, I don't want you to be a superhero.

PETER: But Mary-Jane, I HAVE TO DO IT... wait, have we had this discussion before?

MARY-JANE: Only every single issue in the past twenty years.

PETER: How does it end?

MARY-JANE: Well, the series would end if you gave in, so you always win the argument.

PETER: A husband winning an argument... that's escapist fantasy for you.

***

JAMESON: Hey kids, remember me? I'm part of the supporting cast!

PETER: I have a supporting cast?

JAMESON: You do now!

PETER: Well then, looks like things are finally going my...

DOCTOR: Peter, we ran some tests. I think you'd better see this.

PETER: Am I pregnant?

DOCTOR: Men can't get pregnant, Peter.

PETER: THANK YOU! Now can you please tell that to Paul Jenkins?

***

MORLUN: Oh, by the way, I'm still alive. And for some reason I made a reference to Peter's Foreboding Dreams. Ain't I a...

HUSH: Hey, is this the line for would-be A-list villains who can't cut it?

DR. LIGHT: Raping people makes me a badass!

continued........

MORLUN: Stalk-town racers sing this song, do dah, do dah...

MARY-JANE: Oh, please. I'm an A-list character. Even given comic book misogyncy, you can't touch me. *****, I'm so untouchable, I came back from the dead.

MORLUN: ...well, could you at least PRETEND I'm menacing?

MARY-JANE: Not likely.

MORLUN: Maybe I could give you something in exchange for acting menaced. What do you want?

MARY-JANE: I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this. Can you and your associates arrange that for me, Mr. Morlun?

***

MARY-JANE: Have you ever heard of "Man of La Mancha"?

STEVE ROGERS: No, I haven't.

MARY-JANE: It's a literary reference. Peter David likes to make literary references because they make him look smart for a guy who's primary method of writing is thinking up puns and then conjuring up stories to go with them.

STEVE: That's a little harsh.

MARY-JANE: So is this Pat Lee art. We all look like heroin chic!

PETER: Heya, Mary-Jane. I'm going to be a dick for no reason.

STEVE: So would that be spider-dickery?

***

STALKER FAN: Bravo! Bravo!

MARY-JANE: Whoa. Another obsessive fan. What is this, the fifth?

CO-STAR: Mary-Jane, look at this expository device!

MARY-JANE: Spider-Man fighting a villain? Something this unusual calls for drastic action!

***

SPIDER-MAN: Iron Man, thank God you're here to help me against the dread menace of... uh... hmm... what was your name again?

TRACER: Tracer.

SPIDER-MAN: Right, Tracer. Truly, a harrowing foe.

IRON MAN: I think I'd rather PUNCH YOUR FACE IN!

SPIDER-MAN: Taken to the drink again I see.

IRON MAN: No, Tracer's controlling my armor!

SPIDER-MAN: Tony, denial isn't helping anyone...

***

STALKER FAN: I've got a gun!

MARY-JANE: Big deal, I've got a pool cue and a dry witticism. Metafictionally, I'm invincible!

STALKER FAN: Wow, then this whole subplot has been quite pointless.

MARY-JANE: Really only useful to pad out an unnecessarily long story.

STALKER FAN: Yes, I've noticed that. So, how much more padding we have to do?

MARY-JANE: Lemme think... five-minute Spider-Man... about twenty seconds' worth.

STALKER FAN: Cool, wanna hear about how my psychosis started?

MARY-JANE: Let me guess, your father beat you when you were a child and now you're a jerk.

STALKER FAN: Wow, that was AMAZING!

***

MORLUN: I sent pointless stalker fan person after Mary-Jane, then helped her get a cab. I'm so shadowy, what could my true objective be!?

AUDIENCE: Dude, we already know you want to kill Spider-Man.

MORLUN: What?

AUDIENCE: You're the villain, it's what you do. And honestly, the shadowy, mysterious benefactor bit got old when Ezekial did it.

MORLUN: Could you at least PRETEND to wonder about what my true objective is?

AUDIENCE: No.

***

MARY-JANE: Peter, we need to talk.

PETER: What, because I fought a villain? Big deal, happens every issue.

MARY-JANE: It IS a big deal, Peter. This is a twelve-part crossover. It runs through every Spider-title. That means you need a character arc.

PETER: Oh God, please don't tell me I have to get over Gwen Stacy's death AGAIN. Because it's not like we haven't done that five billion times before...

MARY-JANE: No Peter, you have a death wish!

PETER: You're absolutely right! Why didn't I, or any of the fans or writers, ever notice that before?

MARY-JANE: I don't know. You know what else I don't know? What you're dying from.

PETER: Hon, nobody knows. For a twelve-part miniseries, we leave a lot of unanswered questions.

MORLUN: Like how I came back to life.

TRACER: And whatever happened to me?

THE OTHER: And why I'm supposed to be the "next great villain."

DOROTHY: And what about Scarecrow's brain!?

FOREBODING DREAM: Foreboding, foreboding, foreboding.

AUDIENCE: Wow, not only did we find out about Spider-Man's foreboding dreams, we also learn about Aunt May's nightmares! THIS IS ALL GOLDEN STUFF! I can see why this crossover took twelve parts.

***

PETER: Snoooooore... wha-zuh? I almost slept through my own action scene!

MARY-JANE: I didn't want to wake you.

PETER: LOUD NOISES!

MARY-JANE: LOUDER NOISES!

MAY: My, Peter's being a dick.

GEOFF JOHNS: Character development is writing a character as a dick for a while, than having them realize it and not be such a dick.

***

MAY: Well, I'm just going to hallucinate Ben as a blue Force Ghost.

BEN: The Force will be with you, always.

MAY: And while Peter and the Avengers are out saving the city, I'll talk about my lovelife.

AUDIENCE: Truly, Peter David knows what the reader wants.

TRACER: Hey, have you ever seen one of those movies where the killer and the heroine are alone in the house and both of them suspects the other knows about the killer's killerness and...

MAY: Can you hurry this subtle threatening along? It's almost time for Matlock.

***

SPIDER-MAN: Powers... failing! Body... weakening! Ellipses... dramatic!

MORLUN: Hey, remember me?

SPIDER-MAN: You... you were one of JMS' brainchildren. The villain no one cared about.

MORLUN: That's right Spidey. And I'm going to be the one to kill you. Not Doc Ock or Green Goblin, me! I am teh best villain evars!

SPIDER-MAN: So you're telling me that if I go to Z'Ha'Dum, I will die?

MORLUN: No, I'm not... okay, so my name is a mix of Morden and Vorlon. Big deal! It doesn't make me any less menacing.

SPIDER-MAN: You're right. You can't subtract from zero. Well, actually you can. I think you're actually negative menacing now, which means you're... what's the word I'm looking for? Comforting?

WOLVERINE: Even I don't know what I'm doing in this scene, but I'm going to make a fairly obscure Marx Brothers reference. Because that's so in character for me.

***

TRACER: So, we still dancing around the fact that I'm a supervillain?

MAY: Yup.

TRACER: I guess it turns out that moving Peter's family into Avengers headquarters turned out to be a bad idea. Couldn't have seen that one coming.

MAY: Nope.

TRACER: I mean, it's not like the old Avengers headquarters was blown up.

MAY: It was.

TRACER: Oh. Well, it's not like it was invaded before that and the invaders tortured a harmless old person.

MAY: That happened too.

TRACER: Ah.

SPIDER-MAN: TRACER! YOU'VE DRIVEN ME TO THE BRINK WITH YOUR...

TRACER: Eating Aunt May's sandwiches?

SPIDER-MAN: YES! I'M GOING TO ALMOST KILL YOU! THAT SHOWS I'M REALLY MAD!

TRACER: Well, I'm pretty much going to take my toys and go home. My, this is an unsatisfying resolution even for me.

MAY: Peter, I think there's something you should tell me.

SPIDER-MAN: Alright... I indirectly killed Uncle Ben.

MAY: I already knew that.

SPIDER-MAN: The man you loved, Otto Octavius... is really evil!

MAY: Knew that.

SPIDER-MAN: You died but it was really a genetically-modified actress?

MAY: God, don't remind me.

SPIDER-MAN: Alright, fine. I'm suffering from as-yet-unnamed medical problems.

AUDIENCE: Wait, so this entire issue was Aunt May figuring how what everyone reading already knew?

SPIDER-MAN: Yup, this absolutely HAD to be a twelve-parter. This is all comic book gold, can't leave one word balloon out.

AUNT MAY: You know what you should do? Ask some of your fellow superheroes for help with your problem.

PETER: Gee, I would never have thought of that on my own. Thank God they negated your death, you're having SUCH an important impact.

AUNT MAY: No need to get snippy.

***

LUKE CAGE: So, what are we doing here again?

SPIDER-WOMAN: Well, you're one of Bendis's pet characters and I'm Spider-Man, but with breasts. How could we NOT be in this scene?

***

REED RICHARDS: Alright Spider-Man, are you ready to find out what you're dying from?

SPIDER-MAN: Fourth part of a twelve-part crossover, I feel I'm entitled.

REED RICHARD: Okay, I'm just going to throw some buzzwords at you and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind.

SPIDER-MAN: Can't you just tell me outright?

YELLOWJACKET: Cellular degeneration.

SPIDER-MAN: Cancer?

YELLOWJACKET: Erk! Wrong answer, Spidey. Would you like to go to Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?

SPIDER-MAN: Ummm... I guess so?

THOR: Radiation!

SPIDER-MAN: Wait a minute, why are both SCIENTIFIC and MEDICAL doctors consulting with me on this?

THOR: Verily, I doth not know. The Odinson repeats himself, radiation!

SPIDER-MAN: Ummm... radiation sickness?

REED RICHARDS: No, you're just sick from radiation! Anyway, only one man knows about radiation, and that's Bruce Banner.

SPIDER-MAN: Great, I'm going to get advice from the guy so smart that he turned himself into a big monster and accidentally killed his wife with radiation from said monster. Oh well, at least we'll have stuff to talk about... I was a clone, he was written by Bruce Jones... maybe we should form a support group.

***

HULK: HULK LIKE GRATUITOUS, POINTLESS ACTION SCENE!

SPIDER-MAN: Comic book gold, yup, that's what this is...

***

VERBOTEN DIALOGUE: "What do you think?" Spider-Man asked. "That you're standing a little close," Bruce Banner replied.

SLASHERS: Why do they tease us so?

***

BRUCE BANNER: I'm not smart enough to figure this out.

SPIDER-MAN: The problem isn't solved on the fourth issue of a twelve-part crossover? Color me surprised.

BRUCE BANNER: You're going to have to get some help, like from the Black Panther. He's so smart, he has the cure for cancer, he just doesn't want to share it with people because they smoke.

SPIDER-MAN: That's the most ******ed thing I've ever heard.

BRUCE BANNER: You see why people don't like Reginald Hudlin's writing?

***

BLACK PANTHER: All my people like you because they think you're a representative of Anansi, the Spider God, due to the symbol on your back.

SPIDER-MAN: I also have naked lady mudflaps on my car, think the Wiccans will be into me?

VERBOTEN DIALOGUE: "Figures I had to travel halfway around the globe to get some love," Spider-Man opined. "Yes, well, just don't remove the mask," Black Panther replied.

SPIDER-MAN: Why, because they don't like white people?

BLACK PANTHER: Yes.

SPIDER-MAN: Real superior culture you've got here, T'Challa.

BLACK PANTHER: You see why people don't like Reginald Hudlin's writing?

***

BLACK PANTHER: We mapped the human genome fifty years before Western scientists. Because we're black, you see.

SPIDER-MAN: For a cameo appearance, you're managing to stuff in a lot of soft racism.

BLACK PANTHER: I do what I can with the time I have. By the way, here is a salad that gives you superpowers. Dig in.

SPIDER-MAN: "Dig in"? Reginald Hudlin has no idea how you talk, does he?

BLACK PANTHER: You see why people... oh, the joke has run its course.

***

SPIDER-MAN: Well, all of those cameos were pointless. I'ma gonna die. Still, that was time well-spent. Not an ounce of fat on this twelve-part crossover!

***

PETER: I had my hair done up in braids! I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay...

SLASHERS: STOP TEASING US!

***

DR. STRANGE: Hey, guess what? You're gonna die.

SPIDER-MAN: Yes, I knew that.

DR. STRANGE: No, I mean it.

SPIDER-MAN: Doc? Let me tell you how this works, because you're not fooling anyone. I have a movie coming out with me in the starring role. There is no way in hell Marvel is going to kill its flagship character. Now why don't you go look like Rufus Sewell somewhere else?

DR. STRANGE: You're in my house.

SPIDER-MAN: ...so I am. Still not gonna die!

DR. STRANGE: Yes you are! And you're going to stay dead, just like Superman did when he died! Uhhh, I mean... like Hal Jordan when he died! No, wait... like Professor X... Cyclops... Magneto... okay, fine, you're going to live. But can you at least pretend that you're going to die so we can milk all the angst out of the situation?

SPIDER-MAN: Are you kidding? I'm Spider-Man. Milking angst is all I know how to do.

 

[dan1]

SPIDER-MAN: Alright, this is too ******ed to make fun of, so I'm just going to tell it to you straight. I put Aunt May and Mary-Jane into old Iron Man suits so we can break into Dr. Doom's castle to... BWAHAHAHAHA!

MARY-JANE: Ha, you couldn't even get through one line! Let me. We did it so Peter could use the time machine to go back to see his parents, but... wait and see, folks.

***

SPIDER-MAN: So in the story arc entirely about the Fantastic Four and later SHIELD rolling into Latveria and disarming all of Dr. Doom's armament, none of them did anything about all these traps I have to evade?

MARY-JANE: And in that VERY SAME STORY ARC, wasn't there a bit where the Fantastic Four had already captured Dr. Doom's time machine and had it back at the Baxter Building?

SPIDER-MAN: And Dr. Doom no longer rules Latveria, so I'm going to put the people I love most in the world, the people I've sworn to keep out of my life as Spider-Man, in danger so I can have a personal jaunt back to the good old days instead of just, I don't know, asking for permission. I've done some pretty stupid things in my time to justify pointless action sequences, but I think this takes the cake.

AUNT MAY: Wait, remember that one time...

***

FLASHBACK!

WOLVERINE: Hey, Spidey, you given me back my Wham CDs yet?

SPIDER-MAN: Sorry man, lost 'em.

WOLVERINE: You're about to see what I do best, bub... but what I do best ain't very nice!

SPIDER-MAN: Or grammatically correct for that matter.

***

SPIDER-MAN: It looks like we went... Back to the Future!

AUNT MAY: You mean "back to the past," right?

SPIDER-MAN: Listen old lady, it's my book, so my pop culture reference stands. Besides, it's gotta be somebody's future.

MARY-JANE: Not your parents, since they're about to die. My, I can see why you'd want to revisit this memory...

SPIDER-MAN: Now remember everyone, no one in this era can see or touch us.

AUNT MAY: Umm, Peter, that's not how Dr. Doom's time machine works...

SPIDER-MAN: Not in front of the readers, you old bat.

MR. PARKER: Bye everyone. We're off to not really be Peter Parker's parents (Ed's note: See Mark Millar's Trouble for the whole story! Better yet, don't! Excelsior!).

SPIDER-MAN: Remember, they can't see or... MOMMY! DADDY! DON'T LEAVE ME!

MARY-JANE: Well, at least he's maintained his quiet dignity in the face of death.

SPIDER-MAN: If you don't leave, I won't die! Which is totally what I would focus on when comtemplating the relative-future deaths of my parents and Uncle Ben!

***

ROBOT 1: So, why are we even still active? Wouldn't Reed Richards or SHIELD have deactivated us?

ROBOT 2: I know, it doesn't seem much like them to leave robots capable of lethal force lying around, waiting for someone to stumble onto them. Looks like Hudlin's OOC writing spreads to titles he isn't even writing like whoa.

SPIDER-MAN: Yay! Another pointless action sequence. Not an ounce of fat etc.

AUNT MAY: I'll just save the day in my Iron Man armor, since we didn't have enough stupidity in this comic yet.

***

TONY STARK: So, you want to go on a trip to Vegas? With blackjack? And hookers! Since it's not like I just had a story arc where people thought your wife was cheating on you with me.

PETER: Tony, do you really know me so poorly that you think I'd cheat on my wife?

TONY STARK: I'm not hearing a no to the blackjack and hookers.

PETER: Umm, yes on one, no on two.

TONY STARK: Which was yes, destroy Russia or number two?

PETER: Man, that was pretty obscure even for me. I feel like a Dennis Miller routine!

***

PETER: Hey, nerds, guess what I can use my spider-sense for? Cheating at cards.

AUDIENCE: Ummm...

PETER: Really people, if this hasn't made you stop ever trying to figure out a cohesive explanation of the extent of my spider-sense, what will? Huh?

AUDIENCE: Hmmm...

***

NORTHSTAR: Hello sailor!

PETER: My spider-sense tells me you're not actually gay, you're just faking it for attention.

NORTHSTAR: That is not true! I've dated tons of guys! Like... like... OH, IT'S TRUE! IT STARTED OUT AS JUST A LITTLE JOKE AND IT SNOWBALLED OUT OF CONTROL! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING THE TOKEN GAY MUTANT ALL THE TIME!?

COLOSSUS: Only in the Ultimate universe.

PETER: My spider-sense also tells me that Ultimate me is rocking the Kitty Pryde casbah.

COLOSSUS: Oh, it is not!

PETER: Now my spider-sense is telling me that you should SHUT YOUR RUSSIAN FACE!

***

MARY-JANE: Wow, we went up to space. This is something.

PETER: Come to think of it, I probably would've preferred the hooker.

MARY-JANE: Peter, I know you wish that you could've married Gwen instead of me, but that's...

PETER: Forget it!

***

MORLUN: Hey, remember me? I still totally want to kill Spider-Man!

AUNT MAY: Hey, remember me? I'm all tore up because Peter's going to die, as shown by my single emo tear.

MORLUN: Write about it on Myspace why don't ya, granny?

AUNT MAY: MAYBE I WILL!

READERS: God, we're six issues in and Spider-Man is STILL ALIVE! Just hurry up and die already, arachnid!

SPIDER-MAN: Since I learned I was dying, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights (not verboten, but pretty close).

MORLUN: Hey, remember me? Pretty much my only plot purpose here is to kill you, since you need to both go down fighting, yet still have a degenerative illness so you can have a lot of touching "deathbed" moments.

SPIDER-MAN: So the writers can have their cake and eat it too?

MORLUN: Precisely. Only replace "cake" with you and "writers" with me and eat with... well, actually, leave eat alone.

SPIDER-MAN: Funny, that's the same thing I said to John Bryne about my origin. "LEAVE EEEEEEEET ALONE!" Also, I'm not even going to bother talking with you or asking how you came back from the dead, just going straight to the fight here.

MORLUN: NOW? Now the story decides to pick up the pace (although not really, as the fight stretches into next issue)? Don't you want to hear about how I came back from the dead?

SPIDER-MAN: Not really. I mean, you're still Morlun. No one cares about you. No one will ever care about you. You're just another pet-project character that a creator tries to shove down the audience's throat, like Fusion or Hush. NO ONE LIKES YOU. NO ONE HATES YOU. YOU ARE WORTHLESS.

MORLUN: But I... I eat Spider...

SPIDER-MAN: SHUT UP! God, we just got past overusing Venom to the point that we had him commit SUICIDE just to get him to shut up, not to mention Green Goblin being behind every single thing that's ever gone wrong in my life! And now YOU come in. Say what you will about Venom and Norman, but at least they started out as good villains. You're just a pathetic little ***** with delusions of grandeur and an outstanding sense of entitlement who thinks he's cool. You know what that makes you? That makes you PARIS ****ING HILTON. So bring it on, because I have had enough of wallowing in self-pity and thinking my wife is dead and finding out dark secrets about the past. Say Gwen cheated on me, fine. Say Uncle Ben molested, go on, I dare you. But don't think that will stop me. People love me DESPITE you people's writing, not because of that.

REGINALD HUDLIN: You people?

SPIDER-MAN: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

REGINALD HUDLIN: Oh, just for that, I'm having you get an eyeball eaten.

SPIDER-MAN: Good to see someone's doing their part to help a flagship character capture the kiddie audience again.

***

SPIDER-MAN: Hey, you know what would be great for the drama in this fight?

MORLUN: What?

SPIDER-MAN: If some of the Daily Bugle staff would stand around, not six feet away, and compare this fight to the Thing fighting the Hulk.

MORLUN: I might have to waste them just on general principle.

SPIDER-MAN: Tell me about it.

***

VERBOTEN DIALOGUE: "It's time for a change of scenery and I know just the place. Empire State University. Where Spider-Man was born. And, now, where he may die. Oh, the irony. Here's where I make my last stand."

SPIDER-MAN: I see someone's read "full circle storytelling for dummies." Cree-ips. Since when do I talk about myself in the third-person? And why does ESU look like the set in the movie? Marvel does realize that Sam Raimi's Spider-Man and Comic Book Spider-Man are two different characters, right?

MORLUN: Of course! Sam Raimi Spider-Man looks like Tobey Maguire, while Comic Book Spider-Man looks like Jason Priestley.

SPIDER-MAN: Thank you, Mike Deodata.

MORLUN: Could be worse. You could look like Sean Penn.

SPIDER-MAN: That wouldn't be... AWESOME! TOTALLY AWESOME!

MORLUN: Say, why aren't the other Avengers helping you out right now?

SPIDER-MAN: I don't know. Neither does the audience, so I'm just going to point out this glaring plot hole for their benefit.

MORLUN: So, I'm about to kill you. For reals this time. And just to show you how serious the situation is, I'm going to graphically pluck out your eyeball and eat it.

SPIDER-MAN: What the hell? Did Dario Argento take over writing chores there for a minute?

MORLUN: God, you don't get it, do you? Your bright, colorful costume. Your witty one-liners. Your beautiful wife and loving aunt. PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THAT ****. They want sex and rape and death and bodily mutilation.

SPIDER-MAN: That's not true! People want good stories!

MORLUN: Do they? Think back, Spider-Man. Think back to your supporting cast...

SPIDER-MAN: That's right! I have one of the best supporting casts in comic books!

MORLUN: Do you now? Harry Osborn, dead. Flash Thompson, comatose. Ned Leeds, dead. Jean Dewolffe, dead. The Daily Bugle... never seen except for the briefest of cameos. Face it, Spidey. The only supporting cast you have left is your family.

SPIDER-MAN: No! I have friends! Good friends! People I have to hide my secret identity from...

MORLUN: We've killed them all, Spider-Man. One by one. Sure, we had to bring back Aunt May and Mary-Jane, but it doesn't matter. They'll never be seen after you die. We're going to replace you with a new hero, a better hero. He'll be a teenager like the kids want to read about, with sexy cool friends and a politically-correct minority background which we'll respect by having him say a few phrases in Spanish, entienda? It is... inevitable.

SPIDER-MAN: No! Not even the completionists will go along with that! This time you've gone too far!

MORLUN: That's what they said about organic webbing. And Gwen Stacy's children. Yet they just keep reading, don't they? They'll always keep reading. Hitler had his useful idiots and so do we. The truth is, we'd never pull these kind of stunts if we didn't know the controversy would drive us up the sales charts. Look at Infinite Crisis. Do you know how much money they're making? And they're portraying the people who want the universe to be happy, escapist fun again as genocidial maniacs. People get the stories they deserve, Spider-Man. Do you know how much better this crap is selling than Dan Slott's Thing? Search your feelings, Peter, you know it to be true.

SPIDER-MAN: That's not true! That's impossible!

MORLUN: Join me. Together we can end this destructive continuity and bring constant event storytelling to the galaxy. Sure, we did the same thing in the nineties and failed, but this time we'll get it right. We can make you a swinging bachelor again, with a cool new costume.

SPIDER-MAN: I'll never join you!

MORLUN: It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as overexposed villain and dark, gritty superhero. Come with me. It's the only way.

SPIDER-MAN: No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Second Nominee, Doc_Ock_4MUGEN

My thoughts on the Iron Spidey and his Relationship with Stark... in sprite form...

 

[dan1]

continued.........

Ix Nay on the Oblin Gay! Orman Nay Ight May Appear on Part III or IV
Now for Part II

Spoiler

The suit has SIAT Syndrome baby!

Yes Iron Spidy you can use my sprite edit on your avatar...

 

[dan1]

continued......

Now for Parts III and IV of DO4M's Iron Spidey Saga...
Regarding Marvel's IS, I browsed the ish, quickly and I'm getting tired of Dumbass Pete... so Iron Drunk can look smart...
Part III

 

[dan1]

continued.........

Part IV

The FINAL ACT Will be uploaded soon...

 

[dan1]

And now it's time for the first half of the double sized conclusion of my iron spidey saga...

continued..........

 

[dan1]

Well That's all folks... but it seems I'm kinda forgetting something... oh yeah! The Iron Spidey suit...

Now It is really done! It's finished, FINIS As always this will be swept up under the carpet and never spoken of again... that is the Marvel way...

Next, Shadowknight

I could almost tolerate Sins Past if they treated it as an out-of-continuity humor story.

Gwen: I.. I slept with Norman, Peter, while we were dating. I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist that washboard hair!
Peter: Uh, Gwen, I have something to tell you, neither could I.
Gwen: My boyfriend slept with Norman! His arch enemy! Who else had sex with Norman!?
A bunch of Spider-man supporting cast members and villians raise their hands
JJJ: Me too.
John Jameson: And me
MJ: Oh, yeah.
Liz Allen: Oh God, YES. YES YES YES! He was spectacular!
Flash: Um, I wasn't getting any in the army at the time, and I was drunk at the time! It was only once, I swear! Okay, twice.
Doc Ock: Hey, I did too! But I'm crazy from brain-damage, I've got an excuse!
Vulture: I'm senile, that's my excuse.
Electro: Millar retroactively made me gay, so I did too.
Mysterio: Not me. I can build robots. Okay, a robot of a sexy, Norman Osborne with washboard hair.
Rhino: I'm stuck in this suit so I can't do it, but you better believe I wish I could!
Sandman: Yep.
Shocker: Definetly.
Jackal: No, but that's because I made myself a clone of Norman. TWO clones. At the same time.
Lizard: The only waaaarm-blooood I am every attraaaaacted to. Yesssss.
Kraven: I have shown Osborne the passion of the jungle!
Kingpin: He owed me money, but I took.. favors... as a substitute. Wonderfui, pleasurable favors. I've hired prostitutes to dress as Osborne to recreate that passionate night, but alas, nothing beats the real thing.
Hammerhead: He gives good me.
Harry:...
Everyone looks at Harry
Harry: Look, my father was a sick twisted SOB, but even he wasn't that twisted.

Robbie Robertson: Jungle fever man, jungle fever.
Ned Leeds: I have a strange fetish about being dominated by men in goblin outfits (re: Hobgoblin Lives)
Betty: Oh, Norman. OH NORMAN! W-wait. What was the question? I wasn't paying attention for a second.
Molten Man: Damn skippy.
Scorpion: Ditto.
Capt. Stacy: I let him off the hook instead of jail time. Why else do you think I went out of my way to arrest him for jaywalking all the time?
The Looter:... People remember me? Uh...yes. I mean no. Well, yes, if it means people pay attention to me.
Mendell Stromm: Lover's quarrel. Why else do you think he threw me out of Oscorp?
Spider Slayer: YES-IT-WAS-WONDER-FUL
Smythe: I've been trying to build a Norman based sex t-, I mean spider-slayer, without success.
The Enforcers (Ox, Fancy Dan and Montana): Four. Way.
Big Man: HE deserves the title of "the big man". The "gigantic man", even.
Crime Master: *sigh* I wish we hadn't broken up- I mean, that our partnership end- Okay, we were lovers, though he wasn't a bad criminal either.
Chameleon: He made me use my disguise abilities to dress as Gwen once.
Everyone inches away from the chameleon

Aunt May: I was afraid, because he was so frail! But we did. Lots.Not as much or as well as Ben, sadly.
Anna Watson: One night he came over for MJ, and, well... he came over a lot of nights when MJ wasn't home after that.
Morbius: Vampires have to be invited in. And he did. Lots. Every night, and twice on Sunday.
Deadpool: Nope.
Blind Al: Me either.
Everyone stares
Deadpool:His hair scared me. Any more and I would have gone from "nuts" to "I'm JMS and "Sins Past was a good idea" crazy/
Blind Al: And I'm blind, so I was immune to the mighty washboard hair.
Everyone: When...?
Deadpool: Time travel issue of Deadpool #11
Everyone: Ah.
Meteor: Where do you think I got the money to do my meteor research?
Green Goblin: So did I.
Everyone:... What? But you're-
Green Goblin: I'm crazy, remember?
Everyone: Oh, right.

There is still a lot of year left, but these guys will be there when the dust settles.

 

[WOLVERINE25TH]

Hehe where did Ock get all those sprites?

 

[Electro UK]

He can make em, I remember starting a thread one some awesome ones. They were so good, I was wondering if Marvel Vs Capcom 3 was out and I hadn't heard about it. Turns out he'd made some of em

 

[SouLeSS]

Oh, I thought we were going for "Longest Post" not "funniest".

If were going for funniest, I'm going with WhatIf?'s post in my sig.

 

[dan1]

Oh, I thought we were going for "Longest Post" not "funniest".

If were going for funniest, I'm going with WhatIf?'s post in my sig.

I like WhatifTales, but one line posts do not get nominated as funniest posts of the year.

I bet you didn't read them.