READERS: God, we're six issues in and Spider-Man is STILL ALIVE! Just hurry up and die already, arachnid!
SPIDER-MAN: Since I learned I was dying, I've noticed things that I never knew were there before; birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights (not verboten, but pretty close).
MORLUN: Hey, remember me? Pretty much my only plot purpose here is to kill you, since you need to both go down fighting, yet still have a degenerative illness so you can have a lot of touching "deathbed" moments.
SPIDER-MAN: So the writers can have their cake and eat it too?
MORLUN: Precisely. Only replace "cake" with you and "writers" with me and eat with... well, actually, leave eat alone.
SPIDER-MAN: Funny, that's the same thing I said to John Bryne about my origin. "LEAVE EEEEEEEET ALONE!" Also, I'm not even going to bother talking with you or asking how you came back from the dead, just going straight to the fight here.
MORLUN: NOW? Now the story decides to pick up the pace (although not really, as the fight stretches into next issue)? Don't you want to hear about how I came back from the dead?
SPIDER-MAN: Not really. I mean, you're still Morlun. No one cares about you. No one will ever care about you. You're just another pet-project character that a creator tries to shove down the audience's throat, like Fusion or Hush. NO ONE LIKES YOU. NO ONE HATES YOU. YOU ARE WORTHLESS.
MORLUN: But I... I eat Spider...
SPIDER-MAN: SHUT UP! God, we just got past overusing Venom to the point that we had him commit SUICIDE just to get him to shut up, not to mention Green Goblin being behind every single thing that's ever gone wrong in my life! And now YOU come in. Say what you will about Venom and Norman, but at least they started out as good villains. You're just a pathetic little ***** with delusions of grandeur and an outstanding sense of entitlement who thinks he's cool. You know what that makes you? That makes you PARIS ****ING HILTON. So bring it on, because I have had enough of wallowing in self-pity and thinking my wife is dead and finding out dark secrets about the past. Say Gwen cheated on me, fine. Say Uncle Ben molested, go on, I dare you. But don't think that will stop me. People love me DESPITE you people's writing, not because of that.
REGINALD HUDLIN: You people?
SPIDER-MAN: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
REGINALD HUDLIN: Oh, just for that, I'm having you get an eyeball eaten.
SPIDER-MAN: Good to see someone's doing their part to help a flagship character capture the kiddie audience again.
***
SPIDER-MAN: Hey, you know what would be great for the drama in this fight?
MORLUN: What?
SPIDER-MAN: If some of the Daily Bugle staff would stand around, not six feet away, and compare this fight to the Thing fighting the Hulk.
MORLUN: I might have to waste them just on general principle.
SPIDER-MAN: Tell me about it.
***
VERBOTEN DIALOGUE: "It's time for a change of scenery and I know just the place. Empire State University. Where Spider-Man was born. And, now, where he may die. Oh, the irony. Here's where I make my last stand."
SPIDER-MAN: I see someone's read "full circle storytelling for dummies." Cree-ips. Since when do I talk about myself in the third-person? And why does ESU look like the set in the movie? Marvel does realize that Sam Raimi's Spider-Man and Comic Book Spider-Man are two different characters, right?
MORLUN: Of course! Sam Raimi Spider-Man looks like Tobey Maguire, while Comic Book Spider-Man looks like Jason Priestley.
SPIDER-MAN: Thank you, Mike Deodata.
MORLUN: Could be worse. You could look like Sean Penn.
SPIDER-MAN: That wouldn't be... AWESOME! TOTALLY AWESOME!
MORLUN: Say, why aren't the other Avengers helping you out right now?
SPIDER-MAN: I don't know. Neither does the audience, so I'm just going to point out this glaring plot hole for their benefit.
MORLUN: So, I'm about to kill you. For reals this time. And just to show you how serious the situation is, I'm going to graphically pluck out your eyeball and eat it.
SPIDER-MAN: What the hell? Did Dario Argento take over writing chores there for a minute?
MORLUN: God, you don't get it, do you? Your bright, colorful costume. Your witty one-liners. Your beautiful wife and loving aunt. PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THAT ****. They want sex and rape and death and bodily mutilation.
SPIDER-MAN: That's not true! People want good stories!
MORLUN: Do they? Think back, Spider-Man. Think back to your supporting cast...
SPIDER-MAN: That's right! I have one of the best supporting casts in comic books!
MORLUN: Do you now? Harry Osborn, dead. Flash Thompson, comatose. Ned Leeds, dead. Jean Dewolffe, dead. The Daily Bugle... never seen except for the briefest of cameos. Face it, Spidey. The only supporting cast you have left is your family.
SPIDER-MAN: No! I have friends! Good friends! People I have to hide my secret identity from...
MORLUN: We've killed them all, Spider-Man. One by one. Sure, we had to bring back Aunt May and Mary-Jane, but it doesn't matter. They'll never be seen after you die. We're going to replace you with a new hero, a better hero. He'll be a teenager like the kids want to read about, with sexy cool friends and a politically-correct minority background which we'll respect by having him say a few phrases in Spanish, entienda? It is... inevitable.
SPIDER-MAN: No! Not even the completionists will go along with that! This time you've gone too far!
MORLUN: That's what they said about organic webbing. And Gwen Stacy's children. Yet they just keep reading, don't they? They'll always keep reading. Hitler had his useful idiots and so do we. The truth is, we'd never pull these kind of stunts if we didn't know the controversy would drive us up the sales charts. Look at Infinite Crisis. Do you know how much money they're making? And they're portraying the people who want the universe to be happy, escapist fun again as genocidial maniacs. People get the stories they deserve, Spider-Man. Do you know how much better this crap is selling than Dan Slott's Thing? Search your feelings, Peter, you know it to be true.
SPIDER-MAN: That's not true! That's impossible!
MORLUN: Join me. Together we can end this destructive continuity and bring constant event storytelling to the galaxy. Sure, we did the same thing in the nineties and failed, but this time we'll get it right. We can make you a swinging bachelor again, with a cool new costume.
SPIDER-MAN: I'll never join you!
MORLUN: It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule the galaxy as overexposed villain and dark, gritty superhero. Come with me. It's the only way.
SPIDER-MAN: No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
