JMS: Alright guys, this is what we trained for. HUDLIN: Wonder Twin powers, activate! PETER DAVID: Go go Jet Jaguar! THE OTHER: By your powers combined, I am... a crappy twelve-part crossover! *** PETER: So I'm having this Foreboding Dream, right? In it, the Marvel editors are saying I've become stale and irrelevant. They say I need to change... MARY-JANE: You think they're going to give you a new costume? Again? PETER: No... speaking of which, I got my new costume in one issue, with zero build-up, while this crap takes twelve issues to get over with. Did decompressed storytelling just step out for a lunch break there? MARY-JANE: No, you see, your new costume is only part of the Road to Civil War. Civil War: Whose side are you on? PETER: I'm on the side I've always been on... my own. MARY-JANE: Peter, you know only badasses like Wolverine and Nick Fury are allowed to say badass stuff. You're only the goofy comic relief. PETER: Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, back to having sex. MARY-JANE: Wait, we were discussing your Foreboding Dreams while having sex? Isn't that a little creepy? PETER: It puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again. *** TRACER: Hello folks, I'm a new villain. I have nothing whatsoever to do with the story arc and will in short order disappear. So, just ignore me. SPIDER-MAN: Creesus, a new superfoe! I better have a flashback to my mentor to guide me through the fight scene! *** UNCLE BEN: Remember Peter, with great power comes... PETER: Not that far back. *** EZEKIAL: You have the power of the spider within you, Peter, all you have to do is... PETER: JMS wankery can't save me now! *** RAMIREZ: Careful, Highlander! If your head comes away from your neck, it's over! PETER: Nope. *** CAPTAIN AMERICA: TAI CHI! PETER: Yeah, that's the ticket! *** SPIDER-MAN: And now I will catch your bullets with the power of tai chi! BULLETS: HIT! SPIDER-MAN: Damn, I forgot I'm not the Flash. *** SPIDER-MAN: Whoa, Night Nurse. Thanks for the help. DOCTOR: I'm not Night Nurse. I'm a completely different doctor who helps superheroes when they're injured, although you've never heard of me before. SPIDER-MAN: Should I be worried you're going to let me die to prove a point to Batman? DOCTOR: Wrong continuity, dumbkopf. SPIDER-MAN: Why'd you call me a dumbkopf? DOCTOR: What's your name? SPIDER-MAN: Peter. DOCTOR: That's why. *** MARY-JANE: Peter, I don't want you to be a superhero. PETER: But Mary-Jane, I HAVE TO DO IT... wait, have we had this discussion before? MARY-JANE: Only every single issue in the past twenty years. PETER: How does it end? MARY-JANE: Well, the series would end if you gave in, so you always win the argument. PETER: A husband winning an argument... that's escapist fantasy for you. *** JAMESON: Hey kids, remember me? I'm part of the supporting cast! PETER: I have a supporting cast? JAMESON: You do now! PETER: Well then, looks like things are finally going my... DOCTOR: Peter, we ran some tests. I think you'd better see this. PETER: Am I pregnant? DOCTOR: Men can't get pregnant, Peter. PETER: THANK YOU! Now can you please tell that to Paul Jenkins? *** MORLUN: Oh, by the way, I'm still alive. And for some reason I made a reference to Peter's Foreboding Dreams. Ain't I a... HUSH: Hey, is this the line for would-be A-list villains who can't cut it? DR. LIGHT: Raping people makes me a badass!