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Comics Five-Minute Spider-Man: The Other

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh my God, they killed Spider-Man!

IRON MAN: You bastards!

SENTRY: Don't worry, everyone, I'll just spin around the Earth really fast, thus reversing the rotation of the planet and turning back time so...

MARY-JANE: Oh, shut up. You're just another one of the five thousand Superman knock-offs Marvel has. What are you even doing in the Avengers?

SENTRY: Bendis says I look pretty...

ECHO: Please to be not worrying, everyone! I'll just... uh... do something, because I'm Ronin and...

AVENGERS: ...

ECHO: I had sex with Daredevil!

LUKE CAGE: Oh, who hasn't!? Once you get a taste of his billy club, no woman is ever enough.

JESSICA JONES: This explains the anal sex...

***

AUNT MAY: So, wait, you're saying this is just more filler...

MARY-JANE: Between Spider-Man's "death" and the inevitable resurrection.

AUNT MAY: Wow, what a great chance to touch base with some of the Spider-Man supporting cast! We can what the Daily Bugle staff thinks of this, and his fellow teachers, and Captain Lamont, and Black Cat, and the Fantastic Four, and... oh hell, it's just going to be more of the New Avengers, isn't it?

NEW AVENGERS: ALL WILL LOVE US AND DESPAIR!

***

STEVE ROGERS: So, MJ, my condolences. All of us New Avengers will be dropping in for a few words to make this... come to think of it, this is actually a pretty lackluster event. No cameos from the Fantastic Four or the X-Men, just the New Avengers who have assimilated themselves into the supporting cast.

NEW AVENGERS: Resistance is futile. Your technological and metafictional diversity shall be added to our 'Bendis-speak.'

STEVE ROGERS: Twelve issues and we wasted half of them with Peter ill, only for him to die in battle. WTF is that all about?

MARY-JANE: Shut up and look sad.

STEVE ROGERS: I can't, I'm being drawn by Pat Lee!

***

TONY STARK: Anyway, we could make your husband's death look like a boating accident...

MARY-JANE: THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT!

TONY STARK: Jaws reference, Star Wars reference... man, these are some classy allusions. I'm so glad we're not making some overused, pointless, contrived pop culture reference.

MARY-JANE: Could we say that Peter died from snakes?

TONY STARK: Snakes?

MARY-JANE: Yes. Snakes.

MARY-JANE: ON A PLANE!

***

WOLVERINE: Instead of being short and hairy, I'm tall and pretty! I heart manga!

MARY-JANE: You bastard! Manga is as overused and cookie-cutter as Liefeldism in the nineties!

WOLVERINE: But now that your Diktoesque husband is gone, we could make a new, manga Spider-Man...

MARY-JANE: Stay away from me or I'll kill you! I swear, I'll find a way and I'll kill you!

WOLVERINE: I'll expect royalties from Mr. Bone Spurs' widow!

***

JESSICA: Hey, since we're both chicks, I guess we'd better talk about feelings and ****.

MARY-JANE: Yes. Indeed.

JESSICA: You see, there's a way about Spider-men. When one dies, another is called. A spider-man... or woman... stands alone against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness.

MARY-JANE: Why are you telling me this?

JESSICA: Well, we've already got an Oz.

WOLVERINE: Yo.

JESSICA: And a Giles.

JARVIS: Salutations.

JESSICA: Now we just need a Willow and you're the only redhead I know.

MARY-JANE: What about Jean Grey?

JESSICA: She's dead... this week.

MARY-JANE: I don't know... becoming a witch... and bisexual?

JESSICA: Don't worry, I've called in an expert on being bisexual.

BLACK CAT: Isn't it disturbing that in a miniseries that first alludes to me having lesbian tendencies, I'm also, for the first time, identified as being raped at a young age?

MARY-JANE: Now that I think about it, that is quite disturbing.

KEVIN SMITH: Goddamnit, I was trying to put out a Message! People need to be told about this important social Message!

MARY-JANE: Which is?

KEVIN SMITH: Rape is bad.

MARY-JANE: ...I think we all already knew that.

KEVIN SMITH: No, no, you don't get it. Rape is bad.

BLACK CAT: Yes, we already knew that. Why don't you tell us something we don't already know, like drug abuse is bad?

JESSICA: Oh, snap! Kevin Smith got burned!

MARY-JANE: What do you have to say to that, nerd?

KEVIN SMITH: Oh, I have a comeback! I have a perfect comeback! Just give me three years to come up with it! MUAHAHAHAHA!

JESSICA: This satire is becoming increasingly scattershot.

BLACK CAT: It's a twelve-part miniseries. That's room for a lot of targets. Including my zipper. What is with this thing? Why won't it go all the way up?

MARY-JANE: The collective will of the audience?

***

INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!

MARY-JANE: What's going on with my husband's body?

LUKE CAGE: Nothing, MJ. He just went skinny-dipping.

MARY-JANE: Without his clothes?

LUKE CAGE: Without his skin.

***

TEACHER: And now I'll give the audience exposition cleverly disguised as a lesson.

STUDENT: Teacher, how come teachers in movies and comic books are always able to distill lessons relevant to the plot, considering that in real life, teachers can't even distill lessons relevant to the real world?

TEACHER: It's simple. The Metafiction.

STUDENT: What's the Metafiction?

TEACHER: (get ready for the now obligatory Star Wars reference!) The Metafiction is what gives a plot device its power. It's an energy field created by all living plot points. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the story together. It also makes possible the Ironic Segue.

STUDENT: What's that?

TEACHER: An overused stylistic device in the Buffyverse.

STUDENT: Huh?

TEACHER: Well, it's just an emphasis on situational irony, such as there being a 'monster' present...

COCOON: Yo.

TEACHER: While I say there's no such thing as monsters. Any other questions?

STUDENT: Yeah. Who is F.A.C.A.D.E.?

TEACHER: Go to the principal's office.

STUDENT: But we're on a field trip!

TEACHER: Then you'd better start walking, now hadn't you?
 
stillanerd said:
Maybe I'm being a bit premature, but the way things are going, I can imagine that in part 8 where Wolverine starts hitting on MJ, he'll also demand from her compensation for her late husband violating trademark infringement with regards to the stingers.

Zev said:
WOLVERINE: Instead of being short and hairy, I'm tall and pretty! I heart manga!

MARY-JANE: You bastard! Manga is as overused and cookie-cutter as Liefeldism in the nineties!

WOLVERINE: But now that your Diktoesque husband is gone, we could make a new, manga Spider-Man...

MARY-JANE: Stay away from me or I'll kill you! I swear, I'll find a way and I'll kill you!

WOLVERINE: I'll expect royalties from Mr. Bone Spurs' widow!

So, Zev, should I just send you a PM to collect MY royalty check now? :D

Bravisimo :up:
 
As fantastic as that whole script was......twas only this that made me shoot milk through my nose

"INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!"

I have no idea why I found that so damn hilarious!!:up:
 
WhatIfTales said:
As fantastic as that whole script was......twas only this that made me shoot milk through my nose

"INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!"

I have no idea why I found that so damn hilarious!!:up:

I know! So far it's my favorite Fiver bit.
 
Zev said:
INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!

I'm with you fellers. This part made me bust out laughing. Also, whether or not you realize it, Zev, it's another Kevin Smith diss, as he introduced a character named "Onomatopoeia" in his Green Arrow run!

So, it works on three levels:

1) It's funny that instead of using AOOGA or anything, you simply used the word Onomatopoeia to represent Onomatopoeia.

2) It's another Kevin Smith diss.

3) It's a funny word to say. "Onomatopoeia"!!!!

Can't wait until Peter's lackluster return and battle against a bunch of...*gasp* spiders!!!:eek:
 
IRON MAN: This is Iron Man. Still no sign of Spider-Man's skeleton... wait, I've got it! Wait, false alarm, it's just Kate Moss.

KATE MOSS: Oh, a thin joke, real original.

MARY-JANE: Wait a minute... what if Peter's not really dead?

SPIDER-WOMAN: Come on, someone being thought dead and then not really being dead? When has that happened?

MARY-JANE: I'm standing right here, you know.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: So am I.

***

LORIEN: The universe began with a word. But which came first: the word or the thought behind the word? You can't create language without thought, and you can't conceive a thought without language, so which created the other, and thus created the universe?

SPIDER-MAN: Hey, this is nothing like that OTHER quasi-spiritual experience JMS wrote. This is completely different. Why, look at this completely different immortal mentory person!

SPIDER-MENTOR: Sup.

SPIDER-MAN: Oh great spider-mentor, what lessons have you for me?

SPIDER-MENTOR: You have ignored the fact that you really are part Spider.

SPIDER-MAN: Ignored? Like when I dressed up like a spider and went around calling myself "Spider-Man"?

SPIDER-MENTOR: Yes, besides that. But you ARE the spider, even if you're afraid of it!

SPIDER-MAN: So what, you're saying every arachnophobe is really a closetted arachnid?

SPIDER-MENTOR: ...I could not have foreseen this twist on my words.

SLASHER: We sure could!

SPIDER-MAN: Damnit, I'm not having sex with Johnny Storm! Scat!

The Slashers run off, except for one.

SLASHER: What about Venom?

Spider-Man takes off his shoe and throws it, hitting the remaining Slasher on the head.

SLASHER: Oww!

SPIDER-MENTOR: You have committed the sin of never wondering whether you could shoot stingers out of your wrists and eat people's heads.

SLASHER: I have?

SPIDER-MAN: He was talking to me. Ummm... why would I want to do any of those things?

SPIDER-MENTOR: Damnit, you'll eat people's heads and you'll like it, boy!

SPIDER-MAN: Yes, but how do I come back to life?

SPIDER-MENTOR: Give us a hug.

amazingspiderman527165jq.jpg


SPIDER-MAN: I wuv the Other THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS much!

SPIDER-MENTOR: He has embraced his true self! Put another coin in the slot!

SPIDER-MAN: Woohoo, bonus life!

***

amazingspiderman527185mq.jpg


SPIDER-MAN: When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of your world!

FANGIRLS (and some fellas): Mmmm... it certainly is "better down where it's wetter."

***

AUNT MAY: Well, we'll just have to face it. Peter's dead.

KNOCK KNOCK.

MARY-JANE: Who could that be?

PETER: Land spider.

MARY-JANE: What?

PETER: Haha! Not dead!

MARY-JANE: Score!

***

LUKE CAGE: Ummm, Peter, about your Spider-Man outfits...

PETER: Yeah?

LUKE CAGE: We kinda disposed of all of them.

TONY STARK: Yeah, that's right... disposed...

***

SPIDER-TONY: Hey ladish! I'm singlesh!

FELICIA: Alright, let's have lots of sex outside of wedlock.

JOEY Q: Nine-year-olds love this kinda thing! Hmmm... we may be on to something here...

Uh-oh! That looks like trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Peter David! To be continued, true believer! Also, long as I'm here, take a look at the fic. Link's in the sig. Join us, won't you?
 
Man...I can't wait to read the conclusion to this, Zev! You've really outdone yourself!:up:
 
shinlyle said:
Man...I can't wait to read the conclusion to this, Zev! You've really outdone yourself!:up:

Yeah, it keeps getting better and better (and offering disturbing insights that what Spidey really had was a "wet dream." :eek: :D) But no "Ride me like Seabuscit" crack? Zev, man, your parodies just aren't complete without that signature line. :)

BTW, loved this exchange:

Zev said:
SPIDER-MENTOR: You have committed the sin of never wondering whether you could shoot stingers out of your wrists and eat people's heads.

SLASHER: I have?

SPIDER-MAN: He was talking to me.

:up:
 
SPIDER-MAN: When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of your world!

FANGIRLS (and some fellas): Mmmm... it certainly is "better down where it's wetter."

Oh! Zev! you... you... *ROFL*That's *ROFL* too much... The Little Mermaid... freakin' sweet!
 
This is the funniest, wittiest critique on current Spider-Man comics today.

It's long, but reads very fast. Won't you join Zev as he pulls out the truth?

Come on now. Start at page 1.

:spidey:
 
TONY STARK: Peter, you know that eye you lost? It grew back.

PETER: Awww, I wanted to get a robot eye, like that one guy... the guy with the robot eye... Dark something, I think? Maybe Cyber-thing? I don't know, something like that.

FANS: Isn't this kind of homoerotic? Peter in his underwear, Tony watching him...

TONY: Hey, just because I spy on Peter while he's sleeping and give him expensive gifts does not mean I'm gay for him! Now, Peter, imagine your body is a car. Now, your odometer has been reset.

PETER: Really? Did you... check under the hood?

TONY: I had to. Your... engine light was on. I may need to... check your oil level.

PETER: Really? Is your... dipstick long enough to reach the oil?

TONY: It's big enough for the job.

PETER: Really? You'll have to show me some time.

TONY: If you think you can take it.

PETER: I think I could handle it just fine.

TONY: You know, I believe you could.

PETER: I have no idea what we're talking about.

***

HENRY PYM: Let us all have a discussion on the Vitruvian Man. Because that's so in character for us to throw around trivia like that.

TONY STARK: Yes, let's. I'll throw in a Kafka reference.

REED RICHARDS: You Peter David characters do love your writerly business, don't you?

PETER: Hey, I speak for the audience around here, bub!

WOLVERINE: (cameo!) Hey, I'm the one who says bub, bub!

SUPERGIRL: Hey, I'm the one who carpet bombs titles with cameos... bub!

PETER: Eww! Judging by those ribs, it's some kind of malnourished demon spawn! Kill it! Kill it!

***

SPIDERS: Foreboding foreboding foreboding!

PETER: Jinx myself jinx myself jinx myself.

FLASH THOMPSON: Uncomatose uncomatose uncomatose.

***

MARY-JANE: Time to tie up our mini-feud of about two pages.

LOGAN: Let's shake on it!

MARY-JANE: Oww!

LOGAN: Sorry, sometimes my claws just go off on their own... it'd probably help if you didn't have your top cut so low...

***

PETER: So, Henry, have you stopped beating your wife yet?

PYM: Actually, I have.

PETER: Man, that joke never gets old!

TONY: Hey, Peter, let's go over some costume redesigns.

PETER: Ehh, I'm sure you'll come up with something great.

TONY: Really? Because I can't remember whether a spider has eight legs or seven... and is a red and gold color scheme alright with you?

PETER: Whuzzat? Not listening. Ladeeladeedah...

TONY: Well, I'll just tap you on your shoulder to get your...

PETER: STEP BACK! KISS MYSELF!

TONY: My God! It's like he's tapped into some kind of... Speed Force!

AUNT MAY: I'm going to boss all of you around. Because see, I'm a little old lady and you're all superheroes, so you'd think it would be the other way around... it's funny... LAUGH DAMN YOU!

PETER DAVID SCHTICK: Hasn't gotten any funnier since Incredible Hulk.

***

LUKE CAGE: Well, it's been five minutes, time for another Peter David ironic segue.

JESSICA DREW: Come on, I'm sure Peter David can go one issue without having one person say something and then cutting to someone else saying something ironically similar. All we have to do is avoid saying anything that anyone could possibly use in a different, seemingly innocuous conversation.

LUKE CAGE: So you're saying we just have to ride it out?

***

SPIDER-MAN: Ride me, Mary-Jane. Ride me like Seabiscuit! Literally!

MARY-JANE: Since you look like Jason Priestley now, shouldn't we replace the Tobey Maguire reference?

SPIDER-MAN: This isn't a Fox sci-fi TV show! We don't just stop it for no good reason! It's a way of life!

MARY-JANE: No, give me a minute to come up with something better... I know! Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh(tm)!

SPIDER-MAN: I suppose it would be kind of hypocritical to retcon this new trademark saying out of continuity?

MARY-JANE: Yes.

SPIDER-MAN: Fine, from now on instead of saying "Ride me like Seabiscuit" we'll say "Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh."* But later on, I'd better get a supportive, friendly hug.

MARY-JANE: Baby, you can supportively hug me anywhere you want!

***

PETER DAVID: Hmmm, need to do something fresh and original to debut this new villain. I know! I'll have the characters talk to each other in captions which Ironically also describe what's going on in the otherwise unrelated picture! Genius!

***

MARY-JANE: Long, boring conversation about our relationship which also resolves your emotional issue of the week?

SPIDER-MAN: Check!

MARY-JANE: My God! Look what's happened to Titan Tow... err... I mean, the Baxter Build... uh, I mean... Phallic Tower!

SPIDER-MAN: Mothra's encased herself in a cocoon! She's going to emerge as a butterfly to rip **** up!

MARY-JANE: ...except not.

SPIDER-MAN: Awww, come on! That would crack the Internet in half!

MARY-JANE: Just make a silly joke and go with it.

SPIDER-MAN: But... but we were going to have sex!

MARY-JANE: Move! Go save the day!

SPIDER-MAN: I promise to work on your Peach Pit...

MARY-JANE: Now!

***

SPIDER-MAN: Holy crap! An evil villain made out of spiders! I haven't seen that in two or three story arcs! So, not content to merely rip off the Green Goblin and the Shocker, JMS is now ripping off his OWN villains. Good to know.

THE OTHER: But I'm a woman! I'm thus totally different!

SPIDER-MAN: So you're not the Gatekeeper?

THE OTHER: It's ambiguous.

SPIDER-MAN: Look, are you the Gatekeeper or aren't you!?

THE OTHER: Not that I know of.

Spider-Man slams door. The Other knocks on it again. Spider-Man opens it.

SPIDER-MAN: Are you the Gatekeeper?

THE OTHER: Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.

SPIDER-MAN: Do you want this body?

THE OTHER: Nah, I'm pretty full, not in the mood for seconds.

SPIDER-MAN: You ate my old skin? Grossss! How the hell did that happen?

***

THE OTHER: (finding Peter's old skin) Ooh yesh. Yesh yesh yesh yesh. This is a keeper.

WEBBED SCIENTIST: Aaaall right... you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you? You did... ok... that's just gross.

THE OTHER: Yesh, salty. Yesh that was good.

***

THE OTHER: Perhaps you could use those new spider stingers against me!

SPIDER-MAN: Actually, spider fly swatters would come in more handy...

THE OTHER: I make escapey!

SPIDER-MAN: Come back here, Other! I still have to make a bunch of Lost jokes! What's behind the Hatch? Don't ever tell me what I can't do! Walt! WALT! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

To be continued... under the penmanship (and reverse racism) of Reginald Hudlin. Buckle up, this one's the mother lode...

*This has nothing to do with legal threats from the estate of Red Pollard or a court order from Jeff Bridges. I love you, Jeff!
 
Did Spider-Man acually make a Lost joke?

That just seems...wrong.
 
Zev said:
SPIDER-MAN: Ride me, Mary-Jane. Ride me like Seabiscuit! Literally!

MARY-JANE: Since you look like Jason Priestley now, shouldn't we replace the Tobey Maguire reference?

SPIDER-MAN: This isn't a Fox sci-fi TV show! We don't just stop it for no good reason! It's a way of life!

MARY-JANE: No, give me a minute to come up with something better... I know! Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh(tm)!

SPIDER-MAN: I suppose it would be kind of hypocritical to retcon this new trademark saying out of continuity?

MARY-JANE: Yes.

SPIDER-MAN: Fine, from now on instead of saying "Ride me like Seabiscuit" we'll say "Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh."* But later on, I'd better get a supportive, friendly hug.

MARY-JANE: Baby, you can supportively hug me anywhere you want!

Ah, there's the signiture line! Now all is right with the world (at least in Beverly Hills 90210):D

SPIDER-MAN: Holy crap! An evil villain made out of spiders! I haven't seen that in two or three story arcs! So, not content to merely rip off the Green Goblin and the Shocker, JMS is now ripping off his OWN villains. Good to know.

Not to mention Molten Man, Doctor Octopus, the Thousand (but nobody cares about that guy), Venom (in terms of the Iron Spidey suit), Wolverine (although he's not a villain) Gwen Stacy (hey Sarah's a dead ringer for her), but yeah, ripping off his own villains is a millestone. :)

THE OTHER: But I'm a woman! I'm thus totally different!

SPIDER-MAN: So you're not the Gatekeeper?

THE OTHER: It's ambiguous.

SPIDER-MAN: Look, are you the Gatekeeper or aren't you!?

THE OTHER: Not that I know of.

Spider-Man slams door. The Other knocks on it again. Spider-Man opens it.

SPIDER-MAN: Are you the Gatekeeper?

THE OTHER: Yes. Actually I'm a friend of his, he asked me to meet him here.

Why does this exchange make me want to see Ghostbusters again? Good thing The Other didn't ask Spidey if he was "the KeyMaster."

:up: Zev
 
Spider-Man: Oh boy, a new villain! Surely, you'll be more menacing than the new Mysterio.

The Other: Power is being molested.

Spider-Man: Is that one of my new powers? Because it kinda sucks.

The Other: No, no, Mysterio's power is being molested.

Spider-Man: His power is being molested.

The Other: Yes, power is being molested.

Spider-Man: Power is being molested? I thought it was, like, being strong and having money and stuff.

The Other: Yes, is confusing.

Spider-Man: IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!

The Other: I am opposite number. Everything you are, I am not. Everything I am, you are not. You like Fraiser, I like Friends. You're a Trekker, I watch Star Wars. George Lucas is a god.

Spider-Man: Shut up! George Lucas is a hack that rapes childhoods!

New Mysterio: It's true! George Lucas raped my childhood!

Woody Goodman: I helped.

The Other: Greedo shot first.

Spider-Man: Alright, that's it, it's stinger time! Flippin frassin mother****er robba gobbla ***** rikum frakum **** ****, ****, cock, ass, *******, *****, *****, muff, *****, ****, butthole, Barbra Streisand!

Stingers: Snikt! Yeah, who are we kidding?

The Other: I'll just disappear. But remember, I'm your new arch-nemesis. Even though I really haven't done anything even remotely evil.

Spider-Man: You won't get away that easily!

The Other: If you don't stop following me, I will kill one of them. No more warnings.

***

Spider-Man: Hey guys, I'm back.

Avengers: We're all going to be ***** to you because a villain webbed up our headquarters.

Spider-Man: But I thought you were all overjoyed that I was alive!

Avengers: Character consistency? What do you think this is, Battlestar Galactica?

***

Meanwhile, back at the Twelve Colonies...

zeroviper6ei.gif


***

That night...

Peter: Skip, no! Leave my Star Wars videotapes along!

Logan: Wake up Peter.

Peter: Whazzat?

Logan: Nothing. Just thought I'd wake you up so we can have a pointlessly subtexty conversation.

Peter: Right, like we all haven't already figured out what the Logan/Jean/Scott love triangle is all about...

Logan: What was that?

Peter: Nothing.

Logan: Anyway, I think we need to talk about those stingers.

Peter: Look, they're a totally original new power!

Logan: No, no, I just wanted to invite you into the union!

Predator: Anytime you want to branch out into wrist blades, give me a ring.

Kronen: Or tonfa blades. Heil Hitler!

X-23: I'm an overexposed marketing gimmick!

Peter: No one cares.

X-23: Gambit is to 90s X-Men TAS as I am to X-Men: Evolution.

***

Peter: Time for yet another conversation with wifey?

Mary-Jane: Face it, tiger, I'm the only supporting cast you've got left.

Peter: So, anyway, this whole scene? Is basically a Fiver of Buffy Summers' sixth season character arc.

Mary-Jane: Does that mean you have to have buttsecks with Spike?

Angel: That's my man, *****!

Peter and Mary-Jane: o_0.

Angel: I'll just be standing over here. Because I'm CANCELLED! ****ing WB...

Peter: Honey, do you have any idea what's happened to Warren lately?

***

Peter: Hey, Dr. Strange. Remember when you told me I was going to die?

Dr. Strange: Yeah.

Peter: Well... IN YO FACE! IN YO FACE! HOW DO YOU LIKE DEEZ NUTS!? THEY GOOD AND SALTY!? But no hard feelings. Say, would you like me to burn you a copy of the Batman Begins soundtrack?

Dr. Strange: Yes, certainly. That would be nice.

Peter: Would you like it on CD or cassette?

Dr. Strange: CD, I guess.

Peter: Well, SEE DEEZ NUTS!?

Dr. Strange: Umm... alright. I guess I'd rather have it on tape.

Peter: Tape DEEZ NUTS to the back of your neck!

Dr. Strange: That, umm... I'd rather not.

Peter: But seriously, do you speak Spanish?

Dr. Strange: Yes, I do in fact.

Peter: Oh, good, can you help me with a conjugation problem?

Dr. Strange: I'll try.

Peter: What's the ellos/ellas form of Sacar?

Dr. Strange: Umm....Sacan?

Peter: Sacan DEEZ NUTS!

Dr. Strange: This is asinine! Why did you come here?

Peter: Bob Oliver wanted me to pass on a message to you.

Dr. Strange: Bob Oliver who?

Peter: Bob Oliver DEEZ NUTS!

Dr. Strange: Alright, seriously, it's not funny anymore! Stop it!

Peter: Geez, chill! I was going to set you up on this date with a hot chick who's totally into magic...

Dr. Strange: Really? What's her name?

Peter: Feelon.

Dr. Strange: Feelon what?

Peter: Feelon DEEZ NUTS!

Dr. Strange: Stop that! I have very important work to do and your deez nuts jokes are wasting my time!

Peter: Well, alright. Say, long as I'm here, can I talk to Eileen?

Dr. Strange: Eileen who?

Peter: I leen back so you can see DEEZ NUTS!

Dr. Strange: Peter, just stop with that stupid joke!

Peter: My name's not Peter, it's Phillip.

Dr. Strange: Phillip?

Peter: Yeah... fill up on DEEZ NUTS!

Dr. Strange: I'm going to go inside now where I don't have to listen to you.

Peter: Sorry, sorry. Let me make it up to you. Would you like tickets to the new R. Kelly concert?

Dr. Strange: R. Kelly?

Peter: Yeah... Are Kelly and you gonna come over here and suck DEEZ NUTS!?

Dr. Strange: That's it, I've had enough of this! Goodbye!

Peter: Goodbye Barry.

Dr. Strange: My name's Stephen.

Peter: Really? I thought it was Barry.

Dr. Strange: No. It's Stephen.

Peter: Mucho alliteration.

Dr. Strange: Thank you.

Peter: Do you have a brother named Barry?

Dr. Strange: No, I'm an only child.

Peter: Good, then I can barry DEEZ NUTS in yo momma's ass!

***

Peter: Hey Aunt May.

Aunt May: Hello Peter. Would you like me to offer you some advice in my irritatingly nonspecific religious way?

Peter: Yeah, sure.

Aunt May: Peter, you were brought back to life for a reason. And I think it's to help Dee.

Peter: Dee? Dee who?

Aunt May: DEEEEEEEEEEEEZ NUTS!
 
Yeah... this isn't funny. And btw, Dr.Light was badass before Perez ****ed him up in Teen Titans.
 
Haha Zev that was great. Always love a good Buffy/Angel joke.

Stupid WB...
 
That's funny, I've always thought Dr. Strange was barry, barry strange.

>>snicker<<
 
LOL!!!

Oh...oh, man.....that was hilarious, Zev! Your best work thus far, man! Awesome!
 
Yeah, that's right, beeyotch, it's TEN-Minute Spider-Man: The Other! Tell your friends about me!


PETER: So, once more I'm in a state of undress while you examine me.

TONY: Would you stop suggesting a sexual connotation to these scenes? Now open up, I need to take your temperature.

PETER: Aah.

TONY: It's not an oral thermometer, Peter.

PETER: As long as you're checking, could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

TONY: Hmm... all your old scars are gone.

PETER: You can tell that by giving me a colonoscopy?

TONY: Where do you think the Clone Saga left all its scars?

PETER: Right, the part where I beat up my pregnant wife... I couldn't sit down for a week after that. Thanks for the stool softener, by the way.

TONY: Hey, after Teen Tony, I had plenty left over. But anyway, you've been reborn.

PETER: Great, now I have two social security numbers to remember.

TONY: You're treating this as something... ominous, Peter.

PETER: Last time I was "reborn," it was John Bryne doing the honors.

TONY: John Bryne. When he starts writing people, stool softener companies get featured in Forbes.

***

SPIDER-MAN: Hmm, need my costume fixed. Even though I've fixed it myself countless times and MADE IT MYSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE... I know, I'll visit my old friend, Szalinski!

WAYNE SZALINSKI: Honey, I blew up the kids!

SPIDER-MAN: No, wait, Zelinsky

LEO ZELINSKY: I'm what passes for a supporting cast nowadays.

SPIDER-MAN: I love talking with you, Zelinsky. It's like sitting down for a nice chat with a delightful Jewish stereotype.

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: Somebody call?

SPIDER-MAN: Hit the decks, virgin.

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: I don't need this kind of abuse! I'm dating Ultimate Kitty! C'mon, Sprite, let's book!

KITTY: That's "Shadowcat."

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN: Whatever.

They hold hands and walk off, kicking their feet as if they were playing hopscotch.

ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN AND KITTY: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated.
We're gonna do it!

Give us any chance, we'll take it.
Give us any rule, we'll break it.
We're gonna make our dreams come true.
Doin' it our way.

Nothin's gonna turn us back now,
Straight ahead and on the track now.
We're gonna make our dreams come true,
Doin' it our way.

There is nothing we won't try,
Never heard the word impossible.
This time there's no stopping us.
We're gonna do it.

On your mark, get set, and go now,
Got a dream and we just know now,
We're gonna make our dream come true.
And we'll do it our way, yes our way.
Make all our dreams come true,
And do it our way, yes our way,
Make all our dreams come true
For me and you.

SPIDER-MAN: ...

LEO ZELINSKY: ...

WAYNE SZALINSKI: ...

SHE-HULK: ...Jew jokes? Tut-tut...

Hey, I didn't hear you complaining about the gay jokes. Or the John Bryne jokes, for that matter.

SHE-HULK: (sigh) It isn't easy being green.

***

LEO ZELINSKY: Oh no! A convenient building collapse. Like the city doesn't have enough of the problems with the supervillains and the mutants and the me sounding like James Woods and the oy!

SHIRTLESS SPIDER-MAN: Well, maybe I (stands up) I should do something about this...

LEO ZELINSKY: Oh, no...

SHIRTLESS SPIDER-MAN: ...no?

LEO ZELINSKY: Too sexy, please, don't do it! NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!

SHIRTLESS SPIDER-MAN: But I must!

LEO ZELINSKY: (The band plays fast music while Spider-Man swings into aciton) NOOOO! TOO SEXY! NO, PLEASE STOP IT! BE COOL! OH NO, MY FRIEND, TOO SEXY!

Suddenly, the camera pulls out. Five doors close as we backtrack through them. Finally, we come to the Bridge of the Satellite of Love. MICHAEL J. NELSON, TOM SERVO, and CROW T. ROBOT are sitting around, reading comic books.

TOM: Mike?

MIKE: Yeah Tom?

TOM: We&#8217;ve been reading some of your old backissues and we&#8217;re confused.

Mike puts down his copy of All-Star Batman & Robin. Like the Necronomicon in Army of Darkness, it tries to bite his hand. He shakes it off.

MIKE: What about, honey?

CROW: Well, Reed Richards and Sue Storm got married and nobody said it made them old!

TOM: Yeah! Everyone liked that they finally got together!

CROW: And had kids! And Sue&#8217;s still hot even though she&#8217;s a mother of two!

TOM: What&#8217;s up with that?

MIKE: Well, ya see guys, that&#8217;s called character development.

BOTS: HUH!?

MIKE: Character development is when a character grows and changes over time. Look, I&#8217;ll show you what I mean.

He reaches under the desk and pulls out a big stack of comics. First, he hands them some Denny O&#8217;Neil Batman issues.

MIKE: See, here we have Robin the Boy... and later Teen... Wonder.

CROW: Mike, everyone knows about Batman and Robin!

TOM: Especially the GLAAD.

Mike now hands out some Wolfman & Perez Teen Titans.

MIKE: But later, he grows up and stops taking Batman&#8217;s crap and becomes Nightwing!

TOM: Wow, cool!

Mike hands out some Chuck Dixon Nightwing.

MIKE: And he falls in love with Barbara Gordon and joins the police force.

CROW: Neato!

MIKE: And eventually asks her to marry him.

BOTS: Then what happens? Then what happens?

MIKE: Then they break up and Dick becomes a male model.

The Bots begin to visibly shake with anger. Tom&#8217;s head explodes. Crow seems to grow, his bronze exterior becoming bright green.

CROW: CROW SMASH BRUCE JONES!

Commercial sign flashes. Mike ducks as Crow throws Tom around.

MIKE: We&#8217;ll be right back.

He hits the commercial button.

<Burger King has a mascot who will rape you in your sleep.>

We return from commercial with Crow calmed down. Now he&#8217;s sprawled out on the desk and, bizarrely, wearing purple pants. Mike screws on a new head for Tom.

MIKE: So anyway, nobody wants to mess with the Richards&#8217; marriage because Stan Lee did it and Stan Lee is a god.

TOM: But didn&#8217;t Stan Lee also do the Peter/MJ marriage, via the newspaper strip?

CROW: Yeah, and mechanical webshooters?

GYPSY: And what about Scarecrow&#8217;s brain!?

A light flashes.

TOM: Hey look, the Mads are calling.

<Deep 13>

JOE QUESADA, dressed in a bright green labcoat, and TV&#8217;S JMS, wearing a black jumpsuit, stand at the ready.

JOEY Q: So, boobies, how are you enjoying today&#8217;s experiment?

<SoL>

Mike and the Bots give an A-OK sign, then abruptly say...

ALL: IT STINKS!

We see that MR. MORDEN is suddenly standing next to Mike and the Bots. They do a double-take when they notice he's there.

MIKE: What the... who are you?

MORDEN: I'm Mr. Morden. What do you want?

TOM: World peace.

CROW: Natalie Portman.

MIKE: Guys, guys, we want to get off this space station where we're forced to make Fivers of bad movies and go back to Earth!

MORDEN: ...right. Sorry to bother you.

He walks off. From the other side of the screen, AMBASSADOR KOSH walks in. The others notice him and jump a bit.

KOSH: (bing tweedle whoop) Who are you?

MIKE: Well, I'm Michael J. Nelson.

CROW: I'm Crow T. Robot. The T stands for Thaddeus!

TOM: I'm Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Lay Onna Pile Of Origami the Third. But you can call Tom.

Kosh wanders off.

CROW: Mike, make the annoying mystical Campbellian archetypes stop bothering us!

MIKE: Well, this week's invention exchange should clear that right up.

Mike reaches under the desk and plants a "No Solicitors" sign on the desk.

MIKE: What do you think, sirs?

<Deep 13>

JOEY Q: That's it?

<SoL>

Galen walks up.

GALEN: Who do you serve and who do you trust?

Mike picks up the No Solicitors sign and starts beating Galen with it.

MIKE: Can't! You! Read! The! Sign!

Tom and Crow begin kicking him.

TOM: Couldn't even pull off one season!

CROW: Go stand in the corner with Mal and Zeke where you belong!

Galen runs off, crying.

<Deep 13>

In the background, TV&#8217;s JMS is jumping on what appears to be a hopscotch board, marked &#8220;Road to Civil War.&#8221;

JOEY Q: Pathetic as usual, boobies. Here to present our invention, Civil War, is the man who roots for the IEDs in Iraq, Mark Millar.

Mark Millar, a pasty man in a purple cloak, walks out. He carries his brain around in a glass brainpan. His brain has the famous picture of Che Guerra emblazoned on it.

MARK MILLAR: So then Iron Man starts gay-raping Captain America, right, and Reed is egging him on but Sue says no, so Reed starts beating her with his belt, right? Big ol&#8217; thing with the FF buckle on it...

<SoL>

The MiSTers are aghast.

CROW: Mike, he&#8217;s breaking up Reed and Sue!

MIKE: Wait, I think I&#8217;ve got a plan! Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!

<RNN>

A close-up of a brick. We see Mike&#8217;s hand picking it up.

<SoL>

Mike, now dressed as a Yankees pitcher, spits a wad of chewing tobacco, winds up, and pitches the brick.

<Deep 13>

Like all of those sitcoms where roommates decide to &#8220;split&#8221; an apartment, Deep 13 has now been divided by chalk. One side has a Captain America banner, the other has an Iron Man banner. We notice that Cap has about seventy percent of the floorspace. Dr. Quesada, TV&#8217;s JMS, and Mark Millar laugh evilly.

Suddenly, there&#8217;s a humming noise, like a bomb dropping. The brick hits Mark Millar in the hand, causing him to drop his brainpan. We hear it shatter on the floor. Millar has a meltdown.

MARK MILLAR: I had such a pretty mind! Oh God, I wish I had that pretty mind back.

<SoL>

The crowd goes wild. We see patriotic bunting everywhere, as if the SoL were a political convention. Red, white, and blue confetti and streamers and balloons drop from the ceiling. A banner unfurls reading &#8220;Nelson/Brick In &#8217;08: The Right Choice For America.&#8221;

Mike enthusiastically shakes hands with Tom and Crow, then pulls in Gypsy for an Al Gore-Tipper type kiss.

<Deep 13>

JOEY Q: This changes nothing! Get back in the theater, ninnies!

<SoL>

Lights flash and things go wild. Mike and the Bots run around, screaming.

MIKE: Aaaaaaaaah! We&#8217;ve got Fiver Sign!

We once more pass through the five doors, which open up in front of us.

<5... 4... 3... 2... 1...>

Mike, carrying Tom, walks into the theater with Crow. They all sit down.

CROW: So, Mike, what's your position on abortion?

MIKE: Umm... abortions for all!

TOM: (while Crow waves a small American flag) Boo!

MIKE: Then... abortions for none!

CROW: (while Tom waves a small American flag) Boo!

MIKE: Uh... abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!

BOTS: Yay!

***

JMS: Alright sports fans, get ready to see Spider-Man's CRAZY NEW POWERS!

SPIDER-MAN: I can see in the dark!

FANS: Couldn't he just use the flashlight built into his belt buckle for that?

JMS: ...**** you guys!

THE OTHER: Peter, you've begun to embrace the Other!

SPIDER-MAN: Actually, I've just been eating a lot of carrots lately. But look, I can pick up vibrations through my weblines!

FANS: (now appearing to froth over with volcanic rage) ...would that be the SENSE OF TOUCH!? Can't believe we bought eleven issues for this...

SPIDER-MAN: I can stick stuff to my back now!

FANS: (as aghast as possible) ...one, you could do that before. Two, that's pretty much the stupidest power ever.

RAINBOW RAIDER: I can make things different colors!

FANS: Alright, second stupidest power ever.

NEW MYSTERIO: My power is having been molested!

FANS: Shut up, no one likes you or your ****ty miniseries.

NEW MYSTERIO: I'm so lonely...

***

PETER: Time for me to angst about not being entirely human.

MARY-JANE: Peter, you haven't been entirely human since you went through puberty. Besides which, Bryan Singer suggested this aspect to your character AGES ago and everyone hated it!

PETER: But... but... The Fly!

MARY-JANE: Peter, you can't win argument by making references to classic sci-fi movies.

PETER: Can't I? Forbidden Planet!

***

TONY: Boo! I've been listening in on them all along! Which totally isn't creepy and so I'm totally a viable side in Civil War, even though I killed a few guys and hired a supervillain and... okay, so I'm a villain. Again. Screw you guys, I'm getting drunk!

***

JMS: Bad news, Joey Q. Giving Spider-Man a mystic origin and a new costume aren't helping his sales.

JOEY Q: Then there's only one thing left to do. Kill his wife!

JMS: You're right! Mary-Jane is the problem with Spider-Man!

SPIDER-MAN: Alright, that's the last straw!

Spider-Man picks up a chair.

JMS: Wait a minute, what's he doing?

JOEY Q: Watch out, he's going to break the fourth wall!

Spider-Man swings the chair directly into camera, breaking a hithertofore unseen glass wall. He gingerly steps through it, taking off his mask and basking in the sunlight for a moment.

SPIDER-MAN: Mmmm... metafictionlicious!

JOEY Q: Where'd he learn how to do that!?

***

DEADPOOL: Yo.

***

SPIDER-MAN: Alright, guys, I'm gonna need your help on this one to stop event storytelling. As you know, event storytelling interrupts individual writers from telling the stories THEY want to tell in favor of a few golden boys' whims and contributes nothing but unnecessary death and arbitary change to the industry. But we can stop it! All you have to do is stop buying the events!

YOU: But, but... everything will change! How will I know what's going on unless I buy it?

SPIDER-MAN: What, are you kidding me? It's the 21st century. Just download them off the Internet.

***

JMS: What the hell? Our sales figures are dropping! EVENT STORYTELLING ISN'T WORKING!

JOEY Q: They're only buying the well-written stories! Our worst nightmare!

DAN SLOTT: Woohoo!

JMS: I feel my power... draining! Quickly, break the emergency store of variant covers!

SPIDER-MAN: Too late for that, Straczynski! It's time we end this once and for all!

JMS draws a samurai sword.

JMS: You're expendable. I have a replacement for you!

SHERIDAN: Hiya.

SPIDER-MAN: Then it's time we settle this the old Navy way... first guy to die, loses!

Spider-Man and JMS throw down in a massive duel. Unfortunately, Christopher Nolan is directing, so I can't describe to you exactly what's happening. Finally, Spider-Man extends his stingers.

SPIDER-MAN: Here, I don't want these. You take 'em back.

He stabs JMS with the stingers and pulls his hands away, leaving them embedded in JMS' chest.

SPIDER-MAN: THAT was for the fifth season of Babylon 5. No one gave a **** about Elizabeth Lochley, hack!

JMS: I'm melting! I'm melting! Ohhhhh... What a world! What a world! All my beautiful wickedness... not yet... I was going to give the X-Men a mystical origin...

JMS suddenly splits open to reveal...

SPIDER-MAN: What the hell? STALIN!

STALIN: Muahahaha!

SPIDER-MAN: So, all along you tried to infect an American icon with your Communism evil.

STALIN: And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for the fans not buying my work (hint hint)!

SPIDER-MAN: Time to punch one for the Gipper. Give my regards to Leningrad.

Spider-Man punches Stalin back to Russia.

STALIN: NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!

Where he impacted, the sun begins rising.

***

In the Daily Bugle, a thin covering of frost melts and the Daily Bugle staff stirs into motion.

JAMESON: Where's Parker!? I expect photographs on my desk in five minutes or he's fired!

***

As if awakening from a long sleep, Liz Allen, Flash Thompson, and others walk out of their houses.

LIZ: You know, I don't know what made me think of it, but let's go hang out with Peter for a while.

FLASH: Yeah, let's!

***

Norman Osborn stands over an alter of evil.

NORMAN OSBORN: You thought it was some anonymous burglar who killed Uncle Ben, but it was really I, Norman...

Suddenly, a ray of sunlight shines through the window. Norman shrinks back.

NORMAN OSBORN: Curses! I'm no longer responsible for everything evil in the Spider-verse!

***

Eddie Brock suddenly rises from his bed.

EDDIE: We'll eat Parker's brains!

All of the city, the sunlight goes about its merry work.

***

ELECTRO: BADASS!

GWEN: NO LONGER A ****!

FELICIA: NOT RAPED!

DOC OCK: NO MO' TRENCHCOAT AND MULLET!

***

Spider-Man looks out over the restored city.

SPIDER-MAN: Yes, everything's the way it should be. But we must be vigilant, lest commie evil return to plague our fair continuity. Excelsior!

Spider-Man swings out into the sunset.

THE END

STALIN: Muahahaha! I'll be back with a new event next summer! We'll see if your resolve not to buy ****ty writing lasts that long! BWAHAHAHAHA! Evil!

OR IS IT?

NO, IT ISN'T.

NEXT WEEK... FIVE-MINUTE X-MEN: THE LAST STAND!
 
Man, this was absolutely hilarious.

Buffy, Star Wars, and Spider-Man all rolled into one? I'm in.

Keep it up, Zev.
 
Awesome work, Zev. Now...if only it were true and all thing scould go back to the way they were in the before-time....in the long-long-ago....
 

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