Zev
Superhero
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2003
- Messages
- 7,337
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh my God, they killed Spider-Man!
IRON MAN: You bastards!
SENTRY: Don't worry, everyone, I'll just spin around the Earth really fast, thus reversing the rotation of the planet and turning back time so...
MARY-JANE: Oh, shut up. You're just another one of the five thousand Superman knock-offs Marvel has. What are you even doing in the Avengers?
SENTRY: Bendis says I look pretty...
ECHO: Please to be not worrying, everyone! I'll just... uh... do something, because I'm Ronin and...
AVENGERS: ...
ECHO: I had sex with Daredevil!
LUKE CAGE: Oh, who hasn't!? Once you get a taste of his billy club, no woman is ever enough.
JESSICA JONES: This explains the anal sex...
***
AUNT MAY: So, wait, you're saying this is just more filler...
MARY-JANE: Between Spider-Man's "death" and the inevitable resurrection.
AUNT MAY: Wow, what a great chance to touch base with some of the Spider-Man supporting cast! We can what the Daily Bugle staff thinks of this, and his fellow teachers, and Captain Lamont, and Black Cat, and the Fantastic Four, and... oh hell, it's just going to be more of the New Avengers, isn't it?
NEW AVENGERS: ALL WILL LOVE US AND DESPAIR!
***
STEVE ROGERS: So, MJ, my condolences. All of us New Avengers will be dropping in for a few words to make this... come to think of it, this is actually a pretty lackluster event. No cameos from the Fantastic Four or the X-Men, just the New Avengers who have assimilated themselves into the supporting cast.
NEW AVENGERS: Resistance is futile. Your technological and metafictional diversity shall be added to our 'Bendis-speak.'
STEVE ROGERS: Twelve issues and we wasted half of them with Peter ill, only for him to die in battle. WTF is that all about?
MARY-JANE: Shut up and look sad.
STEVE ROGERS: I can't, I'm being drawn by Pat Lee!
***
TONY STARK: Anyway, we could make your husband's death look like a boating accident...
MARY-JANE: THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT!
TONY STARK: Jaws reference, Star Wars reference... man, these are some classy allusions. I'm so glad we're not making some overused, pointless, contrived pop culture reference.
MARY-JANE: Could we say that Peter died from snakes?
TONY STARK: Snakes?
MARY-JANE: Yes. Snakes.
MARY-JANE: ON A PLANE!
***
WOLVERINE: Instead of being short and hairy, I'm tall and pretty! I heart manga!
MARY-JANE: You bastard! Manga is as overused and cookie-cutter as Liefeldism in the nineties!
WOLVERINE: But now that your Diktoesque husband is gone, we could make a new, manga Spider-Man...
MARY-JANE: Stay away from me or I'll kill you! I swear, I'll find a way and I'll kill you!
WOLVERINE: I'll expect royalties from Mr. Bone Spurs' widow!
***
JESSICA: Hey, since we're both chicks, I guess we'd better talk about feelings and ****.
MARY-JANE: Yes. Indeed.
JESSICA: You see, there's a way about Spider-men. When one dies, another is called. A spider-man... or woman... stands alone against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness.
MARY-JANE: Why are you telling me this?
JESSICA: Well, we've already got an Oz.
WOLVERINE: Yo.
JESSICA: And a Giles.
JARVIS: Salutations.
JESSICA: Now we just need a Willow and you're the only redhead I know.
MARY-JANE: What about Jean Grey?
JESSICA: She's dead... this week.
MARY-JANE: I don't know... becoming a witch... and bisexual?
JESSICA: Don't worry, I've called in an expert on being bisexual.
BLACK CAT: Isn't it disturbing that in a miniseries that first alludes to me having lesbian tendencies, I'm also, for the first time, identified as being raped at a young age?
MARY-JANE: Now that I think about it, that is quite disturbing.
KEVIN SMITH: Goddamnit, I was trying to put out a Message! People need to be told about this important social Message!
MARY-JANE: Which is?
KEVIN SMITH: Rape is bad.
MARY-JANE: ...I think we all already knew that.
KEVIN SMITH: No, no, you don't get it. Rape is bad.
BLACK CAT: Yes, we already knew that. Why don't you tell us something we don't already know, like drug abuse is bad?
JESSICA: Oh, snap! Kevin Smith got burned!
MARY-JANE: What do you have to say to that, nerd?
KEVIN SMITH: Oh, I have a comeback! I have a perfect comeback! Just give me three years to come up with it! MUAHAHAHAHA!
JESSICA: This satire is becoming increasingly scattershot.
BLACK CAT: It's a twelve-part miniseries. That's room for a lot of targets. Including my zipper. What is with this thing? Why won't it go all the way up?
MARY-JANE: The collective will of the audience?
***
INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!
MARY-JANE: What's going on with my husband's body?
LUKE CAGE: Nothing, MJ. He just went skinny-dipping.
MARY-JANE: Without his clothes?
LUKE CAGE: Without his skin.
***
TEACHER: And now I'll give the audience exposition cleverly disguised as a lesson.
STUDENT: Teacher, how come teachers in movies and comic books are always able to distill lessons relevant to the plot, considering that in real life, teachers can't even distill lessons relevant to the real world?
TEACHER: It's simple. The Metafiction.
STUDENT: What's the Metafiction?
TEACHER: (get ready for the now obligatory Star Wars reference!) The Metafiction is what gives a plot device its power. It's an energy field created by all living plot points. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the story together. It also makes possible the Ironic Segue.
STUDENT: What's that?
TEACHER: An overused stylistic device in the Buffyverse.
STUDENT: Huh?
TEACHER: Well, it's just an emphasis on situational irony, such as there being a 'monster' present...
COCOON: Yo.
TEACHER: While I say there's no such thing as monsters. Any other questions?
STUDENT: Yeah. Who is F.A.C.A.D.E.?
TEACHER: Go to the principal's office.
STUDENT: But we're on a field trip!
TEACHER: Then you'd better start walking, now hadn't you?
IRON MAN: You bastards!
SENTRY: Don't worry, everyone, I'll just spin around the Earth really fast, thus reversing the rotation of the planet and turning back time so...
MARY-JANE: Oh, shut up. You're just another one of the five thousand Superman knock-offs Marvel has. What are you even doing in the Avengers?
SENTRY: Bendis says I look pretty...
ECHO: Please to be not worrying, everyone! I'll just... uh... do something, because I'm Ronin and...
AVENGERS: ...
ECHO: I had sex with Daredevil!
LUKE CAGE: Oh, who hasn't!? Once you get a taste of his billy club, no woman is ever enough.
JESSICA JONES: This explains the anal sex...
***
AUNT MAY: So, wait, you're saying this is just more filler...
MARY-JANE: Between Spider-Man's "death" and the inevitable resurrection.
AUNT MAY: Wow, what a great chance to touch base with some of the Spider-Man supporting cast! We can what the Daily Bugle staff thinks of this, and his fellow teachers, and Captain Lamont, and Black Cat, and the Fantastic Four, and... oh hell, it's just going to be more of the New Avengers, isn't it?
NEW AVENGERS: ALL WILL LOVE US AND DESPAIR!
***
STEVE ROGERS: So, MJ, my condolences. All of us New Avengers will be dropping in for a few words to make this... come to think of it, this is actually a pretty lackluster event. No cameos from the Fantastic Four or the X-Men, just the New Avengers who have assimilated themselves into the supporting cast.
NEW AVENGERS: Resistance is futile. Your technological and metafictional diversity shall be added to our 'Bendis-speak.'
STEVE ROGERS: Twelve issues and we wasted half of them with Peter ill, only for him to die in battle. WTF is that all about?
MARY-JANE: Shut up and look sad.
STEVE ROGERS: I can't, I'm being drawn by Pat Lee!
***
TONY STARK: Anyway, we could make your husband's death look like a boating accident...
MARY-JANE: THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT!
TONY STARK: Jaws reference, Star Wars reference... man, these are some classy allusions. I'm so glad we're not making some overused, pointless, contrived pop culture reference.
MARY-JANE: Could we say that Peter died from snakes?
TONY STARK: Snakes?
MARY-JANE: Yes. Snakes.
MARY-JANE: ON A PLANE!
***
WOLVERINE: Instead of being short and hairy, I'm tall and pretty! I heart manga!
MARY-JANE: You bastard! Manga is as overused and cookie-cutter as Liefeldism in the nineties!
WOLVERINE: But now that your Diktoesque husband is gone, we could make a new, manga Spider-Man...
MARY-JANE: Stay away from me or I'll kill you! I swear, I'll find a way and I'll kill you!
WOLVERINE: I'll expect royalties from Mr. Bone Spurs' widow!
***
JESSICA: Hey, since we're both chicks, I guess we'd better talk about feelings and ****.
MARY-JANE: Yes. Indeed.
JESSICA: You see, there's a way about Spider-men. When one dies, another is called. A spider-man... or woman... stands alone against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness.
MARY-JANE: Why are you telling me this?
JESSICA: Well, we've already got an Oz.
WOLVERINE: Yo.
JESSICA: And a Giles.
JARVIS: Salutations.
JESSICA: Now we just need a Willow and you're the only redhead I know.
MARY-JANE: What about Jean Grey?
JESSICA: She's dead... this week.
MARY-JANE: I don't know... becoming a witch... and bisexual?
JESSICA: Don't worry, I've called in an expert on being bisexual.
BLACK CAT: Isn't it disturbing that in a miniseries that first alludes to me having lesbian tendencies, I'm also, for the first time, identified as being raped at a young age?
MARY-JANE: Now that I think about it, that is quite disturbing.
KEVIN SMITH: Goddamnit, I was trying to put out a Message! People need to be told about this important social Message!
MARY-JANE: Which is?
KEVIN SMITH: Rape is bad.
MARY-JANE: ...I think we all already knew that.
KEVIN SMITH: No, no, you don't get it. Rape is bad.
BLACK CAT: Yes, we already knew that. Why don't you tell us something we don't already know, like drug abuse is bad?
JESSICA: Oh, snap! Kevin Smith got burned!
MARY-JANE: What do you have to say to that, nerd?
KEVIN SMITH: Oh, I have a comeback! I have a perfect comeback! Just give me three years to come up with it! MUAHAHAHAHA!
JESSICA: This satire is becoming increasingly scattershot.
BLACK CAT: It's a twelve-part miniseries. That's room for a lot of targets. Including my zipper. What is with this thing? Why won't it go all the way up?
MARY-JANE: The collective will of the audience?
***
INTRUDER ALERT: Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!
MARY-JANE: What's going on with my husband's body?
LUKE CAGE: Nothing, MJ. He just went skinny-dipping.
MARY-JANE: Without his clothes?
LUKE CAGE: Without his skin.
***
TEACHER: And now I'll give the audience exposition cleverly disguised as a lesson.
STUDENT: Teacher, how come teachers in movies and comic books are always able to distill lessons relevant to the plot, considering that in real life, teachers can't even distill lessons relevant to the real world?
TEACHER: It's simple. The Metafiction.
STUDENT: What's the Metafiction?
TEACHER: (get ready for the now obligatory Star Wars reference!) The Metafiction is what gives a plot device its power. It's an energy field created by all living plot points. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the story together. It also makes possible the Ironic Segue.
STUDENT: What's that?
TEACHER: An overused stylistic device in the Buffyverse.
STUDENT: Huh?
TEACHER: Well, it's just an emphasis on situational irony, such as there being a 'monster' present...
COCOON: Yo.
TEACHER: While I say there's no such thing as monsters. Any other questions?
STUDENT: Yeah. Who is F.A.C.A.D.E.?
TEACHER: Go to the principal's office.
STUDENT: But we're on a field trip!
TEACHER: Then you'd better start walking, now hadn't you?