I know Gert hates when we complain about crap like every other board on the web (instead of celebrating the few good things out there actually worth paying attention to), but I think our mod is away on a mission today, and this movie was too ****ing wretched (and too adored!) for me not to **** all over it.
I'm pretty sure that
Million Dollar Baby is the worst movie I've ever seen. I love Clint, and Unforgiven is one of my favorite films ever, but this goddamn movie was so bad, it made me retroactively hate everything he's ever been involved with, including The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
(SPOILERS BELOW FOR THE TWO OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THIS TURD YET)
Here are a handful of the many reasons I despised this movie:
1. The cartoonishly evil trailer trash family waddling into the hospital wearing their Disney shirts. These people weren't characters, they were refugees from a bad MAD TV sketch.
2. The cartoonishly adorable mildly ******ed character, who didn't know how you get ice inside a bottle of water. Are you ****ing kidding me that this movie won the Oscar?
3. Morgan Freeman being forced to play the most patently offensive "Magical Negro" in the history of cinema. If you've never heard of that term, there's more about it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magical_Negro
4. The horrible fight scenes. Clint is the world's best cut man, and he gently dabs at his fighter with a DRY SPONGE, like she's getting a last-minute touchup from make-up? Jesus, Hilary had more convincing fights when she was The Next Karate Kid.
5. Clint's pants.
6. The idiotic WWF-style referees. Even if the dopey ref missed Swank getting elbowed by her cartoonishly sinister opponent, she still got hit after the bell, which would have meant a D.Q. and an automatic win for Swank. Trying to pile onto her tragedy by suggesting that she lost this fight is both unnecessary and totally false.
7. The horrible narration which told you how you were supposed to feel at every turn, which eventually became the hackneyed it's-not-really-narration-it's-a-letter-to-an-unseen-character device.
8. "My Darling, My Blood." Holy puke-fest.
9. The straw-man assisted-suicide argument. I'm sorry, but by the time Swank is a legless, disease-infested vegetable who bit off her own tongue, even the Pope would have pulled the plug on her. By turning her into this subhuman mute unable to express herself, Clint's decision becomes incredibly easy, instead of incredibly complex (which it should have been). And once again, this major turning point of the film is based on complete bull****. Every patient has the right to refuse treatment, so all Swank would have to do is ask the staff to turn off her ventilator, and they would have no choice but to let her die.
10. The lighting, which wants you to believe that this is An Important Film, instead of a schlocky, low-budget after-school-special.
If you want to see a GOOD, schlocky low-budget sports movie, check out this year's Friday Night Lights, which blows
Baby out of the bathwater.
This was a pretty good year for film. Eternal Sunshine is one of the great movies of all time, I loved The Aviator, Kill Bill 2 was spectacular, as was Ghost in the Shell 2, Shaun of the Dead, etc.
Saying that
Million Dollar Baby is better than any of those movies is insane. Saying that it's the best movie of the year is obscene.