Me and Her: we hit a snag and now nothing

[Binker]

Back in Feb, I met this girl in college and we've became friends. It started as classmates, then friends on facebook, and later in March we shared our numbers and we texted until after school ended where we now called each other. Approaching my last day, I asked if she would like to have lunch with me, she said yes. On my last day, she had no classes to attend, but decided to come anyway because of me. After talking for an hour, it was time to leave, and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask her out, something my friends said I should and not beat around the bush. But surprisingly, she asked first; asking if I was interested in hanging out/meet up, and later asking if I would like to meet her family. I said yes, but also added my question in the mix: go out, and have dinner sometime; she said yes. We hugged, and the day ended great.

A couple weeks later, I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with me on a Saturday, and while she said yes, days later she asked if it was a date. I panicked, because I didn't know how to respond, so I said truthfully that I didn't know, but my friends assumed it was, and that it is a complex answer. She responded that she just wanted to know, and the day was still on, but later she texted that she wanted to hang out as friends and no misunderstanding. I didn't know what else to do, but I called her later that night and she could tell something was wrong with my voice (I guess it was because it seemed like "that" wasn't an option, though my friends suggested we might be moving too fast), but we talked on the phone like it was normal. The dinner didn't happen due to family problems, so she suggested Dave & Busters with her and her siblings. But it seemed like it wouldn't be worth it, because her sister couldn't come and our times couldn't match, but there was seeing a movie on the later week. Now, the confusion started when, in my mind, it sounded like going out/hanging out wasn't going to happen unless someone else was with us, and I was just assuring her that it was okay if it was just the two of us, because we hanged out before. Looking back, I know that sounded confusing, because I believe she misunderstood me. The next day, she texted me saying that maybe the movie idea shouldn't happen because it sounded like a date because I wanted to be alone with her. It was not a date, and when I tried to call her or text to explain that she misunderstood me, I got nothing. So I left a voicemail the next day, and was told by my friends to wait for her response. A week later, with nothing from her, I tried her again and again, with attempting to call her, texts, and another voicemail and got nothing. She's still on my facebook, so I sent a message asking why was she ignoring me and I know she read it but nothing too. Over time during the summer, I either called or texted once in a while, and nothing was sent back to me. Then last week, under the advice from some self-help sites, I sent a message stating how I was feeling over this and didn't know she was doing this to me, what I said was misunderstood and confusing, but in the end wanting to resolve it so we can go back to how things were before it started. She did read it, but like before, nothing. Perhaps she's waiting, but I don't know; I don't know anymore.

I really don't know what to do; she's never done this before, which is why I would say it's out of the ordinary for her to do this. I want to talk to her again because I miss her, but because of this situation, I don't know what to say or what to do so she can answer her phone, or reply to my texts, etc. I know after looking information up that she hasn't blocked me, so that can, maybe/maybe not, be a good sign. This can't be a case of no hope, because she didn't block me, and regardless of facebook not really meaning anything, I'm still on her's. I mean she can be shy all the time, so could she be embarrassed. Or, could I have scared her away? If so, the question still reminds: how can I get her back? One idea I had was to contact her sister and ask her, and keep in mind I never met her family, but she did say she had told them about me (pre-all this), so maybe...

I just want to talk to her again and have it be like it was, and I need help to do so. Anyone?

 

[nouan]

Wtf? I got nothing.

But seriously, I would be effing pissed in that situation. To leave a situation hanging like that. That's ********. Either forget her or just ****ing confront her face to face. Which might be too akward.. so just let it go. Waste of time.

 

[Teelie]

Never will be like it was. It's never like it was. Either you accept that and move on without her, since she's ignoring you or you keep stressing yourself out over someone who has decided to no longer acknowledge you.

I would say time to move on. As easy as it is to say and hard as it is to do, there are no other realistic choices. She read your messages you said but didn't respond at all over an extended period of time so that's a big hint. She's either too embarassed or too polite to respond and tell you she's no longer interested.

If she later responds and explains why she's not responded and if it's truly a reasonable, believable explanation, then reconsider but this is clearly a case of conflicted emotions and it rarely ends well pining over a lost love interest.

 

[Erzengel]

Take your dignity and walk away.

This might sound harsh but if she stopped talking to you and you made efforts to message, text, call her and she isn't responding? Then there's not much you can do. And calling her sister? Dude, that comes off as desperate to the point of stalkerish.

You pressing her to contact you, comes off as sad and needy.

It sounds like you really liked her and obviously she didn't feel the same. While you make it sound like you're okay with just being friends, it does seem like you wanted more. And most importantly, her silence should speak volumes. This is probably her way of letting you down gently. Take the hint.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Yep. Erz is right. Like I said in the other thread, girls will find ways to talk to guys they are interested in. Her silence is your answer.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

You're going to have to let her go, first you confused her and got yourself thrown into the friendzone by showing no confidence and not straight up asking her out on a date. The asking t hang out casually killed ay chance of a relationship. Now with the constant calls and texts you're a borderline stalker, keep trying to contact her and you may receive a restraining order.

 

[Midnyte_Sun]

Drop the girl like a bad habit.

 

[kane9321]

she's not responding to you,forget she ever exsisted and move on..thats the
way it has to be bro I'm sorry

 

[Piper Maru]

Tread lightly.

 

[Erzengel]

I don't think he liked our answers.

 

[runawayboulder]

It sounds like she told you pretty early on that she didn't want any misunderstandings. I don't think she had feeling for you like you had for her.....sorry to say.

It could be worse. Some women will straight up f**k with your feelings for a period of time because most of them don't know what the hell they want, especially when they're young and in their 20's.

 

[Warhammer]

If he continued and disregarded the answers in this thread, then he is a glutton for punishment. He will continue to learn the hard way. This has happened to all of us at least once where we don't want to feel cheated, so he keep holding on to this false hope. We don't want to make time with someone amount to nothing, so instead of taking a hint and cutting our losses, we keep being blind...making the person on the other side feel even more justified for ignoring or friend zoning us in the first place.

Here's my advice since the guy doesn't seem to want to cut his losses and walk away. Hold a grudge and demonize her. Even if it takes a year, doing that will help you get over her since clearly you are still crazy about her. One day, you'll realize, accept the loss, and move on. Geez, that sounded so damn corny.

 

[Warhammer]

It sounds like she told you pretty early on that she didn't want any misunderstandings. I don't think she had feeling for you like you had for her.....sorry to say.

It could be worse. Some women will straight up f**k with your feelings for a period of time because most of them don't know what the hell they want, especially when they're young and in their 20's.

Yep. Either that or some women who knowingly take advantage of someone for an amount of time. I've known a few girls who've actively done it but instead of viewing it as malicious, they view it as "Oh...well, he offered."

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

So there's this thing called the 'Relationship' thread. It's the place where we usually tell you it's over.

 

[Hal_Jordan]

I don't think it had ever begun. My huge red flag here is that she didn't want (or didn't feel comfortable) to go out alone with just Binker, she only wanted him there in a group setting.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

I don't think it had ever begun. My huge red flag here is that she didn't want (or didn't feel comfortable) to go out alone with just Binker, she only wanted him there in a group setting.

Right. Even the title "we hit a snag" is disingenuous. A snag can only be hit when some kind of union or relationship existed in the first place.

 

[Warhammer]

Binker, how has the progress been? I know you've had to have seen these responses. I am legitimately curious.

 

[Spidey-Bat]

I kinda went through something similar. I was interested in someone, but she only wanted to be friends. What I'm about to tell you I learned first-hand.

First, you have to forget about her. If you basically have to beg to get her to respond to you, it's not going to work. Ever. It sucks, especially if you really liked her (I did in my situation) but meaningful relationships don't begin this way.

Second, girls are weird/dumb in that they don't understand the signals they give guys. So next time, be up front about asking someone out. Don't do friend-stuff. You can hang out in groups, but don't let your fear paralyze you into doing it.

Third, and most important, is you will find someone else who is better. You don't have to actively go out looking, but you'll eventually find them. It will happen and you will like that person more because you don't have to jump through hoops getting her to respond to you and she'll want to be with you.

If you do have trouble getting over her, focus on things that annoyed you about her,I'm sure there were things you didn't like about her that you were willing to overlook. Of course my situation was helped by the fact that she got a lip ring which was a major turn-off for me, but that also helped me realize we had different values and ambitions that would have stopped us from being compatible.

 

[runawayboulder]

Binker, how has the progress been? I know you've had to have seen these responses. I am legitimately curious.

I think he's trapped in a glass cage of emotions.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Wtf? I got nothing.

But seriously, I would be effing pissed in that situation. To leave a situation hanging like that. That's ********. Either forget her or just ****ing confront her face to face. Which might be too akward.. so just let it go. Waste of time.

It sounds like she told you pretty early on that she didn't want any misunderstandings. I don't think she had feeling for you like you had for her.....sorry to say.

It could be worse. Some women will straight up f**k with your feelings for a period of time because most of them don't know what the hell they want, especially when they're young and in their 20's.

Second, girls are weird/dumb in that they don't understand the signals they give guys. So next time, be up front about asking someone out. Don't do friend-stuff. You can hang out in groups, but don't let your fear paralyze you into doing it.

All of these posts are missing the point, saying it was the girls fault, when it was completely Binker's fault and it can be traced to the begining of the post;

Back in Feb, I met this girl in college and we've became friends. It started as classmates, then friends on facebook, and later in March we shared our numbers and we texted until after school ended where we now called each other. Approaching my last day, I asked if she would like to have lunch with me, she said yes. On my last day, she had no classes to attend, but decided to come anyway because of me. After talking for an hour, it was time to leave, and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask her out, something my friends said I should and not beat around the bush. But surprisingly, she asked first; asking if I was interested in hanging out/meet up, and later asking if I would like to meet her family. I said yes, but also added my question in the mix: go out, and have dinner sometime; she said yes. We hugged, and the day ended great.

This is all fine and good, maybe a little too much time before you attempted to make plans, but she did like you at this point, in the way you wanted, as a potential love interest/boyfriend.

A couple weeks later, I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with me

And here's the first major problem, you waited a couple weeks?!?! You confused her at this point and started to play games. Never wait more than a week (and even that's too long) to set up and confirm a date.

on a Saturday, and while she said yes, days later she asked if it was a date. I panicked, because I didn't know how to respond, so I said truthfully that I didn't know, but my friends assumed it was, and that it is a complex answer.

What's complex about that answer, yes it was, more game playing, you've completely confused her and now have taken your first step or more inside the friendzone.

She responded that she just wanted to know, and the day was still on, but later she texted that she wanted to hang out as friends and no misunderstanding. I didn't know what else to do, but I called her later that night and she could tell something was wrong with my voice (I guess it was because it seemed like "that" wasn't an option,

She was completely confused by your actions and decided that you probably just wanted to be friends with her, it's all your fault, you blew it. Actions and words are incredibly important when starting a relationship. You had her interest and then lost it, it's all you.

though my friends suggested we might be moving too fast), but we talked on the phone like it was normal.

Moving too fast?!?! You never even went on a first date. You moved too slow.

The dinner didn't happen due to family problems, so she suggested Dave & Busters with her and her siblings. But it seemed like it wouldn't be worth it, because her sister couldn't come and our times couldn't match, but there was seeing a movie on the later week. Now, the confusion started when, in my mind, it sounded like going out/hanging out wasn't going to happen unless someone else was with us.

She decided you weren't worth it anymore and was trying to just disappear. Hoping you'd take the hint. Obviously you didn't

 

[Prison Mike]

Tread lightly.

I read that with the Walter White voice in my mind.

 

[Marvolo]

Back in Feb, I met this girl in college and we've became friends. It started as classmates, then friends on facebook, and later in March we shared our numbers and we texted until after school ended where we now called each other. Approaching my last day, I asked if she would like to have lunch with me, she said yes. On my last day, she had no classes to attend, but decided to come anyway because of me. After talking for an hour, it was time to leave, and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask her out, something my friends said I should and not beat around the bush. But surprisingly, she asked first; asking if I was interested in hanging out/meet up, and later asking if I would like to meet her family. I said yes, but also added my question in the mix: go out, and have dinner sometime; she said yes. We hugged, and the day ended great.

A couple weeks later, I asked her if she wanted to have dinner with me on a Saturday, and while she said yes, days later she asked if it was a date. I panicked, because I didn't know how to respond, so I said truthfully that I didn't know, but my friends assumed it was, and that it is a complex answer. She responded that she just wanted to know, and the day was still on, but later she texted that she wanted to hang out as friends and no misunderstanding. I didn't know what else to do, but I called her later that night and she could tell something was wrong with my voice (I guess it was because it seemed like "that" wasn't an option, though my friends suggested we might be moving too fast), but we talked on the phone like it was normal. The dinner didn't happen due to family problems, so she suggested Dave & Busters with her and her siblings. But it seemed like it wouldn't be worth it, because her sister couldn't come and our times couldn't match, but there was seeing a movie on the later week. Now, the confusion started when, in my mind, it sounded like going out/hanging out wasn't going to happen unless someone else was with us, and I was just assuring her that it was okay if it was just the two of us, because we hanged out before. Looking back, I know that sounded confusing, because I believe she misunderstood me. The next day, she texted me saying that maybe the movie idea shouldn't happen because it sounded like a date because I wanted to be alone with her. It was not a date, and when I tried to call her or text to explain that she misunderstood me, I got nothing. So I left a voicemail the next day, and was told by my friends to wait for her response. A week later, with nothing from her, I tried her again and again, with attempting to call her, texts, and another voicemail and got nothing. She's still on my facebook, so I sent a message asking why was she ignoring me and I know she read it but nothing too. Over time during the summer, I either called or texted once in a while, and nothing was sent back to me. Then last week, under the advice from some self-help sites, I sent a message stating how I was feeling over this and didn't know she was doing this to me, what I said was misunderstood and confusing, but in the end wanting to resolve it so we can go back to how things were before it started. She did read it, but like before, nothing. Perhaps she's waiting, but I don't know; I don't know anymore.

I really don't know what to do; she's never done this before, which is why I would say it's out of the ordinary for her to do this. I want to talk to her again because I miss her, but because of this situation, I don't know what to say or what to do so she can answer her phone, or reply to my texts, etc. I know after looking information up that she hasn't blocked me, so that can, maybe/maybe not, be a good sign. This can't be a case of no hope, because she didn't block me, and regardless of facebook not really meaning anything, I'm still on her's. I mean she can be shy all the time, so could she be embarrassed. Or, could I have scared her away? If so, the question still reminds: how can I get her back? One idea I had was to contact her sister and ask her, and keep in mind I never met her family, but she did say she had told them about me (pre-all this), so maybe...

I just want to talk to her again and have it be like it was, and I need help to do so. Anyone?

I've been in a similar boat. I was young and dumb. I just wanted to talk and make things better but I kept making it worse and this other person was acting essentially the same as your girl. Point is i wasnt taking the hint. All I can say is let it go. This friendship means a lot to you, but you can't force a friendship and you can't force someone to hear you out when they clearly don't want to. In my case, I cut all ties and we eventually started started talking again. It took years but it happened. Stop contacting her and move on. Dont think about her. Delete her off your facebook. Total separation from her. Stop thinking about mistakes you made and things you would have done different. Keep your mind in the present. Keep yourself busy and preoccupied. She might come around she might not. You just need to accept that you can't win all these battles you encounter In life. You're going to lose friends and people for various reasons. Except that now and you'll feel better.

 

[Spidey-Bat]

All of these posts are missing the point, saying it was the girls fault, when it was completely Binker's fault and it can be traced to the begining of the post;

I wasn't pinning blame on her. When she asked if it was a date, he should have said "yes." But there are girls who are oblivious to the signals they're giving guys. So it's on the guy to be blunt about it.

 

[runawayboulder]

All of these posts are missing the point, saying it was the girls fault, when it was completely Binker's fault and it can be traced to the begining of the post;

Missing the point? There's no real right or wrong or a handbook for this stuff. Everybody is going to go about it a different way when it comes to emotions and relationships. It's what makes us human.

 

[StrainedEyes]

If she hasn't responded in that long, stop harassing her. She's done, move on. As my ex-wife was divorcing me I kept trying to contact her while she ignored everything, it only made me feel worse every time (and looking back at it, I feel like an ******* for continuing to bother her).

Also, you guys had lunch once. Don't be a crazy person.