My Justice League Script

[Changeling]

Hey guys, I'm currently working on a Justice League script. I'm fourteen, so any critiques and advice would be very, very, helpful. Just download the attachment and you can read it. When I finish it, I'll post the completed document

 

[ironman29758]

that was an interesting read with all my favorite characters keep up the good work

 

[Changeling]

Thank you very much, man!

 

[Changeling]

No more comments?

 

[protocida]

Your ideas are nice, Changeling, but your script can be improved in many levels.

 

[Changeling]

Really? What would you rate it? And yeah this is my first time writing a script so the dialogue is awful.

 

[protocida]

I would rate it 7.5 because of the effort.

One of the things i didn't liked is that you transformed Flash in to a punk. That's just not right, especially for Barry Allen.

 

[Harlekin]

Things that stood out to me:
* Alfred muttering under his breath. This doesn't translate well to the screen, IMO. Makes him look crazy. On that note, Alfred comes across as the Batman's butler, rather than his surrogate father, confidante and friend. Yes, being a butler is his occupation, but it doesn't really cover what he means to Batman. The rest of his dialogue comes off rather stunted.
* Work on synonyms. 'Compete' and 'competition' feature rather heavily in the Amazon dialogue and are jarring. Same goes for 'prophecy'. Their dialogue as a whole doesn't sound very, I don't know if sophisticated is the right word, but I'd expect more rigid speech patterns.
* Clark sounds a little too much like a boyscout. 'Gee' and 'golly' aren't bad, but not together in about three seconds. 'Swell' just comes across odd when he uses it again in 'Swell to be back here'.
* On that note, the dialogue with Ma Kent feels unnatural. I don't really think you got her character right.
* Barry suddenly starting to talk about his 'personal issues' with his colleague doesn't come across as very believable. This might change from page to screen though, as it can also depend on the actors. As it is though, going off the dialogue that this is just a random colleague: a little weird.
* As has been said, Barry's not a punk, which you made him sound like in that fight with Cold.

 

[protocida]

Agreed.

 

[wellsy]

Issues with the script:

• Your Flash is a punk. That is not Barry Allen. I respect that one needs to adapt certain things, but he sounds more like a snotty, overconfident teenager, as opposed to a self-assured, mature superhero. Iris should also be much more confidant, and say "Try me" as opposed to "Now I have to know!"
• Hippolyta seems a tad disrespectful towards Athena, and probably would be more protective of her daughter from Athena's words (ie let her say that Diana should be allowed to speak, instead of leaving it to Diana).
• Superman should sound like a modern, intelligent, slightly nerdy mid-Western chap, not like he popped out of a 1940s serial. Also, the change from him being glad to be home to him warning his mother is extremely jarring - try and be less visceral about the concern (and perhaps only imply, instead of outright state).
• Alfred needs to be more a confidante, as opposed to simply a servant. That is his role. He should provide some wisdom, the thoughts of a layman when it comes to crime-fighting, etc. And I don't think him offering to contact Robin or Batgirl is a good idea - keep it simple; you've already got a big cast. If they are to be brought up, it should be a throwaway comment, not a "these guys are being kept off-screen because they shouldn't be here" line.
• Hippolyta's breakdown seems way too much. It's over the top, and unbefitting an immortal queen.
• And Green Lantern - there's not much I can really say to improve here (that's a good thing, you know). Really, just make the introductory scene a bit more entertaining (eg, GL - "you can do this the easy way or the hard way." Captain - "The hard way." GL - "well, there really only is the easy way" as he captures them with extreme ease). The meeting the kids scene came across as a bit corny though.
• The White Martians seemed to... pop out of nowhere. Your foreshadowing needs work.

Really, a lot of these issues will be sorted out by iteration and editing. You've got some OK concepts there, and really, it's just a matter of rewriting and polishing, and it should come naturally.

 

[Changeling]

Thanks man