Harlekin
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Wow, I just went and read it. First of, I'd like to know how old you are and if English is your first language. No offense, but some bits were just plain unreadable. I'll be changing things and pointing stuff out as I go along (significant stuff suggested with red coloring).
Okay, your character is like very friggin' powerful, and there's nothing wrong with that if you've got the chops to make it interesting. I'd start off with something more low-level. Also, remember that if this were really a pitch for Marvel, you'd totally go over this in a different way.
Phew, and we're done. It's not bad. You've got your ideas very clearly defined and that's always an asset, and I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's also going to need a lot of work.
Okay, nothing wrong with this, although you'd obviously need for it to a bit more structured (like I did), and think of a last name.Ghostrider87 said:Universe: I am going to submit it to Marvel so Marvel Universe
NightAvenger
Real name: Jason (I still have to come up with his last name)
Identity: Publicly known
Occupation: (former) College diskjockey, Proffesional (professional) diskjockey.
Citizenship: U.S.A.
Place of birth: Chicago, Illinois
Known relatives: Melinda (mother), Paul (father)
Group affiliation: Known I can think for right now (None)
Education: College graduate ( broadcasting major), bachelors degree in broadcasting (complete)
Physical Characteristics
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 195 (kg)[/color=red]
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Brown
Powers: Weapons Superhuman Stength, Ultra Speed, Energy Blasts, Near Invulnurability, Enhanced Awarness of almost anything, Bulletproof, Star Vehicle, Command of shooting stars, Enhanced Vision, Enhanced Earing, Enhanced Durability.
(Powers: Superhuman strength, ultra-speed, energy blasts, near invulnerability, enhanced awareness of almost anything, command of shooting stars, enhanced vision, enhanced hearing, enhanced durability.
Weapons: Star vehicle)
Okay, your character is like very friggin' powerful, and there's nothing wrong with that if you've got the chops to make it interesting. I'd start off with something more low-level. Also, remember that if this were really a pitch for Marvel, you'd totally go over this in a different way.
Jason was raised by his parents Melinda and Paul. Very talented and skilled (Who? He or his parents?). Jason lacked something to get the woman he want's (wanted) the most(,) who was Rita Hernandez. (Since we don't know who this chick is, it's not necessary to know this till later.)
Jason was always one that wanted to work for something rather than just having it handed to him all the time. One of his greatest accomplishments was becoming a first degree black belt in Taekwondo. He was taught by his parents about right and wrong. He was also taught that it is easy not to do the right thing and just take the easy path. (Broken sentences that don't really fit into the whole yet. These little bit of information doesn't seem to have any place in the whole. I'd work into the rest of the background rather than just devoting one paragraph to it.)
Before High School most students respected and admired Jason. But then High School came with students accusing Jason of false accusations giving him a hard time and criticized him. (Accusing of false accusations? Seems a little double, and why was he criticized? This is seemingly important but what they did do?)
He was taken advantage of and lied to. Jason always managed to find a way to pass the classes he was in even when it was not going well. Despite this other students still gave him a hard time criticize him. Along with not recognizing him and respecting him. (grammar and syntax need work. Two short sentences can sometimes be best made into one.)
He refused to believe what other students said and thought and continued to prove them wrong. He was criticized that he learned Martial Arts to beat people up and gain things. But he never used it that way. Jason showed how helpul he was when he helped a female student from Saudi Arabi learn English and show her around the High School. Other students made fun of her and gave her a hard time but Jason never joined in on this and always made them stop. He graduated from High School in 1998. (Little details like his helping the girl is great, but it's not really fitting for a smaller concise background of this guy. It doesn't give us anything and just makes it longer then it needs to be. Again, grammar, spelling and syntax need work.)
He went to the University of Chicago of Illinois where he was the offical radio diskjockey all four years he attended. He continued to be given a hard time and criticized and accused false accusations. In college he confronted a student about the false accusations and asked the person do they have evidence proof and when they bet something of high value on the answer they could not do either forcing them to admit that they were wrong. (Great, but again with the unnecessary detail, and vagueness where detail should be important. 'high value'? Just give us the amount of cash or something. Also 'evidence proof' and 'accused false accusations' are again examples of pieces that say the same thing, and do not need repetition.)
He continued to help out other students when he gave a female student the numbers to a community college she would be attending after graduating from the University. He also told her the secret to getting through the week is by focussing on something positive which he came up with. He graduated from the University in 2002. (Beyond the uneasyness with reading this, it's again nothing that is particularly relevant. This is the stuff you should keep to yourself until you reveal it to us in a story.)
He went to Hooters of North Wells to celebrate where he met Rita who he felt like recognized and appreciated him. Jason was a fan of the Cubs Rita was a White Sox fan but that did not stop them from becoming close friends and talking to each other. Rita like Jason was lied to and taken advantage of. Jason fell in love with her after this first meeting and a crush on her. Rita also felt like she was recognized and appreciated especially when she refilled the glass with Pepsi and he said thank you and she said not a lot of people tell that to her. (This seriously requires some grammar and punctuation. It's hardly readable and is also easily summarized in a more concised manner. Pepsi incident, great touch, not relevant.)
Both of Jason and Rita were tired of being alone and wanted to be with someone. Both of them talked about themselves and what their careers would be.Jason took two pictures with Rita and enjoyed putting his arm around her and found it hard let go because he never dated a woman and has not been that close with a woman before he really liked along with the fact she was very attractive and beatiful. She also enjoyed putting her arm around him. He was sad to have to leave after their first meeting and to let go of her. She was also sad to see him leave. Jason refused to forget Rita cared about her and thought of her the same with Rita.(Here's the part where you tell me why neither gave the other their number, why he couldn't bother to ask her out etc. On the flip-side, things like the putting each others arms around each other are fun little thing best reserved for the story. This is also sounds more like wishful thinking on the creator's part. Meeting an insanely attractive girl at Hooters [resembling Salma Hayek], and oh yeah the main character becomes an insanely powerful superhero? Don't make your character into a Mary Sue/Gary Stu.)
Three years later after their first meeting Jason was called the Radiostation where he worked by Rita telling him that it was her and that she needed him to walk her home because her car was in the shop. Rita became a secretary at a law firm. Jason became a proffesional disk jockey on a station that plays Rock, Latin, R and B, and Hip Hop making the radio station a variety station. Viewers could call in requests along with answers to questions for contests. It also disscused sports where viewers could call in. Also shout outs to anybody they knew and encouragement to continue to hang in and possible answers to problems is what continued to make him a helpful person before becoming Nightavenger where he would be able to help even more people than before. This is one of the main reasons why he uses his powers to help people because of previous experience and doing the right thing. Another reason will be revealed later. (This could've been easily summarized into a more concise bit that still shows Jason's helpful nature. What music the station plays isn't relevant until we get the story. Also, things like 'another reason will be revealed later' don't really work in a background/biography such as this. Just don't mention it.)
Jason was walking Rita home from work. Then heading towards her apartment Rita was knocked out by a gang member. Jason trying to prevent any further harm took on all gang members with Taekwondo moves and wristlocks. He managed to get them to go away. (Wishful thinking/Mary Sue.) But the same gang member that knocked Rita out managed to sprain his ankle before Jason knocked him down with two punches. Jason fell unconscious after seeing the gang members run away very fast falling 50 yards away from Rita. (50 yards? You know how far that is, not to mention totally unnecessary info.)
Two minutes later a shooting star hit Jason survived giving him powers making him more than just a man. Ten minutes later Rita woke up after getting knocked out Rita took out her cell phone called 911 and asked for emergency emts while looking at Jason seeing he was unconscious. The emts took Jason to the hospital along with Rita. Rita waited by the hospital bed in a chair waiting for Jason to wake up. Rita fell asleep. It is morning and Rita has awoke again and then 10 minutes later Rita watched as Jason started to wake up the support systems were hit with energy from Jasons hand. Rita was handed a newspaper and on the front page Disk jockey defends female citizen and survives being hit by a shooting star. Jason what happened to you. I defended you from further harm my ankle was sprained by a gang member and passed out. Did you know a shooting star hit you? Thank god Rita hugs your alive Jason. He called in and told his boss that he would need time to recover from the inncident and to find what happened to him. (So is this the story or the biography? It's important to differentiate between the two. Secondly, punctuation, punctuation, punctuation. I'm not just talking commas, but quotations too. Make it readable.)
Jason went to workout by running during his first day off and discovered that he was running faster than he ever did before that was the same as some superheros would have. He then discoved another one of his powers with the next by hitting the heavy punching bag what was holding it. He was streching with his hands out and energy blasts came out of his hand. He did it again and discovered other ways to use the energy blasts with his hands. He also noticed of enhanced awarness of almost anything. He then noticed he heard what person said who was 200 yards away. He also noticed that after waking up the next day that his vision had improved more than was before without contacts but he kept them around just in case he needed them. He played Mocap Boxing on of his favorite video games on the fourth day he was off at ESPN Zone. He noticed that after beating the game that he was not even tired or exhausted at all so he then ran from Wrigley Field to US Cellular Field and Sears Tower but still was not exhausted. He was starting to believe that the Shooting had given him powers. So decides to talk to Rita and tells her this. Rita is shocked and amazed what she hears. To come to a conculsion he was put through tests and a human scanner which showed nonhuman traits and characterstics proving he was more than a man and revealed powers and weapons. (I don't think I have to repeat myself here.)
He continued to take time off to learn the other powers and how to contoll them. He was also learning how to use them. (Control? Use? Pretty much the same.) Since the event of where he tried to protect Rita crime continued to rise and the rumor of a man with powers continued to be talked by other people. But it did not stop criminals from continuing to commit crimes and the crime rate to rise higher.
He was not willing to become a hero at first. One of the reasons was that he was afraid that it make people espically grow afraid of him especially Rita. He thought maybe it would be easier just to forget they ever existed.
Phew, and we're done. It's not bad. You've got your ideas very clearly defined and that's always an asset, and I'm not trying to be harsh, but it's also going to need a lot of work.
