over reacting? or no?

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Your friend shouldn't be your friend anymore if he is going to go against your back and bust you out like that. That's why I don't cheat on or with other people. You brought the drama on yourself, I don't know what else to say. If he does rat you out, he definetly deserves a beating.

well, i do agree that i brought this drama upon myself. i knew that the situation i was getting into was pretty ugly, and very combustable. but i made the choice to stay involved anyways, and i am prepared to face the consequences of my actions. and i know that i have nobody else to blame, other than myself.

that's not my issue.

whether he disagrees with me or not, this is somebody who i have known for 20 years, someone who i have been able to trust like nobody else on this planet. i am pretty blessed to have about 4 "best friends" whom i know that i can trust with anything and everything. but this guy... as far as being able to trust someone, this guy goes above and beyond anyone i know.

i am shocked to see him taking this kind of stance like this. i mean, i do understand his predicament; i'm not exactly the good guy in this situation. i understand that, and when he gives me his opinion, i respect it. but to do something like this - it's almost against his character, ESPECIALLY considering a speech he gave me not too long ago about the "guy code" regarding a situation i was in, when i went to a bachelor party with a friend of mine, and he had a bit of fun with the strippers, and he is engaged to a girl whom i consider like a sister to me, and i knew exactly how she felt about him being at a bachelor party with strippers. i was torn between wanting to be honest with this girl who means so much to me, and not ratting out this dude who i also consider to be a great friend, when i knew she'd tried to get answers out of me, but he didn't really do anything wrong...

the speech was all about how it's the "guy code" to not rat out your buddies and how i shouldn't even consider telling her about what happened with the strippers, because there was nothing she needed to know about. now all of a sudden, he's become so adamant on breaking the "guy code" and breaking this trust of 20 years to be the noble hero of morality, by getting into a situation that doesn't involve him.

just caught me off guard, really.

 

[knowsbleed]

i'd comment if there were a cliff notes version of all this...

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

i'd comment if there were a cliff notes version of all this...

a girl that i worked with cheated on her boyfriend with me. her and i both have feelings for each other, and have been seeing each other, although she wants to take things a bit slower, with less pressure, so she can do the right thing.

my best friend disagrees, because he thinks what i am doing is wrong. i respect and value his opinion, but now he wants to take it upon himself to get involved in the situation and tell the girl's boyfriend what has been going on between her and i. and after he and i got into an arguement about him overstepping his bounds, he hasn't returned any of my calls for the past week.

that make it a bit better?

 

[knowsbleed]

Your "friend" needs his ass beatdown...down to chinatown. Though, if she is still with the dude...he needs to go ahead and put that to rest.

But your friend has zero business getting personally involved in a situation like that...unless he's trying to hit it himself and this is his jealous outburst.

edit...let me also take it a little further. Your "friend" may actually be jealous of her...latent homosexual feelings and whatnot.

 

[Shoemeister]

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm who gives a f**k...?

 

[S_H_F_4839]

a girl that i worked with cheated on her boyfriend with me. her and i both have feelings for each other, and have been seeing each other, although she wants to take things a bit slower, with less pressure, so she can do the right thing.

my best friend disagrees, because he thinks what i am doing is wrong. i respect and value his opinion, but now he wants to take it upon himself to get involved in the situation and tell the girl's boyfriend what has been going on between her and i. and after he and i got into an arguement about him overstepping his bounds, he hasn't returned any of my calls for the past week.

that make it a bit better?

not much of a friend is he?

I am in a similar situation myself, but my problem lives a state away so its alot easier to break off.

 

[Mike_D202]

soo...your best friend wants to tell the girl's boyfriend that you've been sleeping with her?

good luck...btw find new friends.

 

[November Rain]

Nell, you do understand that your friend is willing to tell this dude for your own benefit right?

This lady isn't right for either yourself or her current boyfriend and instead of getting over a tiff with your best friend about it, you should be looking elsewhere and her actions should be notified to her boyfriend

no one deserves to be double timed and to be fair, you're willing to be her ***** and swallow her empty promises about how she'll inevitably end up with you while she is saying the exact same thing to her boyfriend.


If you can't see that he is acting in your best interests after he's had your back for 20 years and you think that this is now an act of betrayal, i'm sorry but you don't deserve a friend like that.


He sounds like someone who would beat you up if you ever got in a car pissed and you sound like you'd hate him for potentially saving your life. These people are hard to come by, i'd take this as a great omen and don't let some pootang get in the way of friendship, especially some other dude's sloppy seconds...

 

[LexCorp]

Oh another story of boy meets girl. But girl has boyfriend. Boy tries to steal girlfriend from boyfriend. Boys friend says bad boy. Boy say I don't care.



If I had a nickle...just once I would like to see a thread that was about a relationship where no one was cheating on anyone and no friends were backstabbing....

Holy crap you deserve each other. Plus you are lucky your friend has not ****ing killed you for being such a crap human!

 

[Mike_D202]

Nell, you do understand that your friend is willing to tell this dude for your own benefit right?

This lady isn't right for either yourself or her current boyfriend and instead of getting over a tiff with your best friend about it, you should be looking elsewhere and her actions should be notified to her boyfriend

no one deserves to be double timed and to be fair, you're willing to be her ***** and swallow her empty promises about how she'll inevitably end up with you while she is saying the exact same thing to her boyfriend.


If you can't see that he is acting in your best interests after he's had your back for 20 years and you think that this is now an act of betrayal, i'm sorry but you don't deserve a friend like that.


He sounds like someone who would beat you up if you ever got in a car pissed and you sound like you'd hate him for potentially saving your life. These people are hard to come by, i'd take this as a great omen and don't let some pootang get in the way of friendship, especially some other dude's sloppy seconds...

 

[PemLam]

Nell, you do understand that your friend is willing to tell this dude for your own benefit right?

This lady isn't right for either yourself or her current boyfriend and instead of getting over a tiff with your best friend about it, you should be looking elsewhere and her actions should be notified to her boyfriend

no one deserves to be double timed and to be fair, you're willing to be her ***** and swallow her empty promises about how she'll inevitably end up with you while she is saying the exact same thing to her boyfriend.


If you can't see that he is acting in your best interests after he's had your back for 20 years and you think that this is now an act of betrayal, i'm sorry but you don't deserve a friend like that.


He sounds like someone who would beat you up if you ever got in a car pissed and you sound like you'd hate him for potentially saving your life. These people are hard to come by, i'd take this as a great omen and don't let some pootang get in the way of friendship, especially some other dude's sloppy seconds...

Guy's been a good friend for 20 years and now you're pissed because he's not going to support or defend an immature, moronic decision you made to go behind some other guys back and **** his girl. Rain's right, you don't deserve the guy as a friend if that's the kind of position you put him in.

Pathetic.

 

[Kelly]

Your friend should let you fight your own battles unless asked otherwise.

End of story.

Agreed...

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Nell, you do understand that your friend is willing to tell this dude for your own benefit right?

This lady isn't right for either yourself or her current boyfriend and instead of getting over a tiff with your best friend about it, you should be looking elsewhere and her actions should be notified to her boyfriend

no one deserves to be double timed and to be fair, you're willing to be her ***** and swallow her empty promises about how she'll inevitably end up with you while she is saying the exact same thing to her boyfriend.


If you can't see that he is acting in your best interests after he's had your back for 20 years and you think that this is now an act of betrayal, i'm sorry but you don't deserve a friend like that.


He sounds like someone who would beat you up if you ever got in a car pissed and you sound like you'd hate him for potentially saving your life. These people are hard to come by, i'd take this as a great omen and don't let some pootang get in the way of friendship, especially some other dude's sloppy seconds...

How is he acting in the guys best interests? The friend isn't directly involved, the friend's role is to give advice, not to get directly involved. Only someone directly involved, the girl or Nell should tell the boyfriend (though I wouldn't advise Nell telling the boyfriend), not some pretty much random third party.

I think the friend is right to try and get Nell to break it off, if you do get her to break up with her boyfriend for you, you'll always be wondering if she'll dump you when a better deal comes along.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Nell, you do understand that your friend is willing to tell this dude for your own benefit right?

This lady isn't right for either yourself or her current boyfriend and instead of getting over a tiff with your best friend about it, you should be looking elsewhere and her actions should be notified to her boyfriend

no one deserves to be double timed and to be fair, you're willing to be her ***** and swallow her empty promises about how she'll inevitably end up with you while she is saying the exact same thing to her boyfriend.


If you can't see that he is acting in your best interests after he's had your back for 20 years and you think that this is now an act of betrayal, i'm sorry but you don't deserve a friend like that.


He sounds like someone who would beat you up if you ever got in a car pissed and you sound like you'd hate him for potentially saving your life. These people are hard to come by, i'd take this as a great omen and don't let some pootang get in the way of friendship, especially some other dude's sloppy seconds...

well, it's pretty unfair to say that i am letting some poontang get in the way of the friendship.

we had an arguement over him getting involved in the situation, and i didn't call him for about 2 days, but after that, i've been trying to call him everyday. it was a couple days, i cooled off, and now i'm not pissed off anymore. i'm trying to call him, trying to talk to him, and be cool, but he's the one who has decided to not respond to my phone calls.

as far as it being an "act of betrayal", i'm not sure if i ever used that wording, as i don't know if i consider it as such. i merely think he's over-reacting to the situation. i don't think he's a bad friend, or anything like that. and i'm definately not mad at him for disagreeing with my actions in this situation. he has every right to disagree with me when he thinks i am doing something wrong, and i respect the fact that he is so adamant about it that he will tell me where he thinks i'm doing wrong, and not just blindly support me because he's my friend.

i do think he's over-reacting though, getting involved in a situation that he's not a part of. or at least -wanting- to get involved. he hasn't even so much as told me to break it off with her, so much as he has told me that -she- needs to break up with her boyfriend. but as far as what i am doing now, which is just seeing her and talking to her, and letting whatever it is we have for each other develop naturally, he's told me time and time again that he is okay with that, as long as i'm not doing anything to pressure her into cheating on him with me, or anything else, that she needs to make that decision for herself. he even agrees with me that there is something there between her and i, he just wants to see it handled the right way, which is by me not putting any pressure on her, and letting her make the decision for herself.

anyways, like i said, i just wanted to vent. i don't claim to be a victim in this situation, because i understand the consequences of my actions, and that i'm not exactly the good guy in this situation. and i definately don't have a problem with my friend pointing that out to me if that's what he sees. it's just his methods that i have a problem with, because as much as he might disagree, it's simply put, not his place to get involved because he's on a morality high horse.

 

[Figs]

well, i do agree that i brought this drama upon myself. i knew that the situation i was getting into was pretty ugly, and very combustable. but i made the choice to stay involved anyways, and i am prepared to face the consequences of my actions. and i know that i have nobody else to blame, other than myself.

that's not my issue.

whether he disagrees with me or not, this is somebody who i have known for 20 years, someone who i have been able to trust like nobody else on this planet. i am pretty blessed to have about 4 "best friends" whom i know that i can trust with anything and everything. but this guy... as far as being able to trust someone, this guy goes above and beyond anyone i know.

i am shocked to see him taking this kind of stance like this. i mean, i do understand his predicament; i'm not exactly the good guy in this situation. i understand that, and when he gives me his opinion, i respect it. but to do something like this - it's almost against his character, ESPECIALLY considering a speech he gave me not too long ago about the "guy code" regarding a situation i was in, when i went to a bachelor party with a friend of mine, and he had a bit of fun with the strippers, and he is engaged to a girl whom i consider like a sister to me, and i knew exactly how she felt about him being at a bachelor party with strippers. i was torn between wanting to be honest with this girl who means so much to me, and not ratting out this dude who i also consider to be a great friend, when i knew she'd tried to get answers out of me, but he didn't really do anything wrong...

the speech was all about how it's the "guy code" to not rat out your buddies and how i shouldn't even consider telling her about what happened with the strippers, because there was nothing she needed to know about. now all of a sudden, he's become so adamant on breaking the "guy code" and breaking this trust of 20 years to be the noble hero of morality, by getting into a situation that doesn't involve him.

just caught me off guard, really.

What I want to know is, is there any possible chance your friend is just ****ing with you? Like he is purposely dragging this out since he hasn't said anything yet, just to make you sweat bullets a little?

As far as "guy codes" pffft. I'm not a rat especially against my family or friends. Other than that, I tell people who try to force on me those "guy codes" or "Unwritten Laws" to go **** themselves. I think for myself and don't follow 98%-99% of those "cool" rules. Like there have been multiple times when I canceled plans(nothing big, just hanging out) with my friends to hang out with a girl. They try to use the lame ass "Bros before Whoes" line . Hmmm.....Do I want to hang out with my friends doing the same **** as usual or go out and get laid....................Yeah! I'm going to choose getting a piece of ass.

 

[OobeDoobBenubi]

Maybe your friend is secretly dating the same girl your secretly dating & is trying to break things up between you & the other guy so she is all his

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

What I want to know is, is there any possible chance your friend is just ****ing with you? Like he is purposely dragging this out since he hasn't said anything yet, just to make you sweat bullets a little?

probably not, that's not really like him.

 

[November Rain]

How is he acting in the guys best interests? The friend isn't directly involved, the friend's role is to give advice, not to get directly involved. Only someone directly involved, the girl or Nell should tell the boyfriend (though I wouldn't advise Nell telling the boyfriend), not some pretty much random third party.

I think the friend is right to try and get Nell to break it off, if you do get her to break up with her boyfriend for you, you'll always be wondering if she'll dump you when a better deal comes along.

A friend's role is to ultimately step in if they think their friend is acting out of line and there's nothing that stirs the pot more than telling the unaware party.

if one has the balls to mess around with another man's lady, then one should have the balls to face the consequences. Ya know, see if this girl is really worth the drama.

Nell's friend wants to but ultimately hasn't and is trying to put nell in a position where he fesses up and ultimately does the right thing. To back this up, he's acting edgy until nell pretty much does.

I personally believe this is acting in his best interest.

 

[November Rain]

well, it's pretty unfair to say that i am letting some poontang get in the way of the friendship.

not really, it's exactly what is happening.Your letting a relationship with a woman that isn't even yours ultimately affect a 20 long relationship. what else would you call it?

we had an arguement over him getting involved in the situation, and i didn't call him for about 2 days, but after that, i've been trying to call him everyday. it was a couple days, i cooled off, and now i'm not pissed off anymore. i'm trying to call him, trying to talk to him, and be cool, but he's the one who has decided to not respond to my phone calls.

Well in this case, different people react differently. in the next paragraph you mention him overreacting. In the space of a thread i can tell that this friend of yours may be particularly sensitive to certain situations, i'm amazed after 20 years of friendships you haven't picked up the same vibe.

as far as it being an "act of betrayal", i'm not sure if i ever used that wording, as i don't know if i consider it as such. i merely think he's over-reacting to the situation. i don't think he's a bad friend, or anything like that. and i'm definately not mad at him for disagreeing with my actions in this situation. he has every right to disagree with me when he thinks i am doing something wrong, and i respect the fact that he is so adamant about it that he will tell me where he thinks i'm doing wrong, and not just blindly support me because he's my friend.

Well it comes down to this.

I think deep down, you know he's right and you know you're wrong and this is ultimately going to lead you down a hole so the fact you are still entertaining it when all the signs are there and he's also telling you would come across as you not really giving much thought to him. The fact that he willingly wants to come into your world of dillemma and physically help sort it out with no reward and take on a pure selfless act speaks leaps and bounds.

If you reversed the position and took it as a subject like being on herion, wouldn't you go and have a word with his dealer to stop providing him with crap? Except for slight scale, i don't see the variation in these two scenarios (especially from the mind point of your morally sensitive friend). Perhaps you need to see it from his point of view.

YOU.Are.Walking.INto.A.Heap.Of.DIsaster.IN.Slow.MO.And.The.ONLY.one.WHO.DOesn't.SEE.IT.IS.YOUUUUU

i do think he's over-reacting though, getting involved in a situation that he's not a part of. or at least -wanting- to get involved. he hasn't even so much as told me to break it off with her, so much as he has told me that -she- needs to break up with her boyfriend. but as far as what i am doing now, which is just seeing her and talking to her, and letting whatever it is we have for each other develop naturally, he's told me time and time again that he is okay with that, as long as i'm not doing anything to pressure her into cheating on him with me, or anything else, that she needs to make that decision for herself. he even agrees with me that there is something there between her and i, he just wants to see it handled the right way, which is by me not putting any pressure on her, and letting her make the decision for herself.

This is not the mature way to go about the situation. IF you really liked her, you'd cut her out of your life and have her make that decision without any sort of day-to-day influence or 'passive pressure'. It's just sleazy. You're after one thing and as much as you try to deny it, it comes out, if not verbally than subconciously in your physical body language. This isn't healthy and it can come across slightly sleazy after some time. Besides, some people like constant attention and it's that they crave, especially when they go back to their boyfriends at night that don't pay them much attention. At this moment, you're her ego boost.

If you want a proper chance at this lady, you'll have to cut her out and simply wait your turn. If she's saying this and that, then move on and stop wasting your time.

anyways, like i said, i just wanted to vent. i don't claim to be a victim in this situation, because i understand the consequences of my actions, and that i'm not exactly the good guy in this situation. and i definately don't have a problem with my friend pointing that out to me if that's what he sees. it's just his methods that i have a problem with, because as much as he might disagree, it's simply put, not his place to get involved because he's on a morality high horse.

I think if you looked at the situation objectively, most would find that your actions have been somewhat selfish and you've overlooked a potentially true selfless act here by someone who thinks highly enough of you to not venture down the predictable 'easy' street.

I'm inclined to have said if she was going to leave her boyfriend for you, it would have happened on the first couple of encounters, now she's just having her pie and eating it. YOu're at the bottom of her hierachy, even though her boyfriend is being cheated on, he's still her boyfriend, you're like.......not worth mentioning out loud in public

but if that's what floats your boat so be it.

IF i were you, i wouldn't want to be fond of my position and I would take on board a friend pressuring me to get myself outof it by putting himself/herself up on the line.

meh.

 

[Victor Creed]

I had a friend who was in this same situation.....in ****ING MIDDLE SCHOOL! Dude, you're an adult, grow the **** up. If you wanna dump your best friend of 20 years, then do it. Just don't expect him to have a conscience when he is banging this same chick a week later.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

If you wanna dump your best friend of 20 years, then do it.

who said anything about that? where do you get that from my post?

 

[amazingfantasy15]

A friend's role is to ultimately step in if they think their friend is acting out of line and there's nothing that stirs the pot more than telling the unaware party.

if one has the balls to mess around with another man's lady, then one should have the balls to face the consequences. Ya know, see if this girl is really worth the drama.

Nell's friend wants to but ultimately hasn't and is trying to put nell in a position where he fesses up and ultimately does the right thing. To back this up, he's acting edgy until nell pretty much does.

I personally believe this is acting in his best interest.

I could understand the friend talking to Nell or the girl Nell's sorta seeing, but talking to the boyfriend is where things cross the line. It's the girl's job to tell her boyfriend, she's the guiltiest party here. The friend really shouldn't be getting directly involved.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I could understand the friend talking to Nell or the girl Nell's sorta seeing, but talking to the boyfriend is where things cross the line. It's the girl's job to tell her boyfriend, she's the guiltiest party here. The friend really shouldn't be getting directly involved.

that's how i feel, and like i said, i'm kind of caught off guard by it all.

when her and i first started talking / seeing each other, he was okay with everything. in fact, he was encouraging me to do it, so that i could end up with her. then her and i got into a couple fights that all but ended everything, and in talking to him, he began to change his mind a bit. she had tried contacting me, to make amends for what had happened, though the couple talks we did have didn't go well. and he began to change his mind on the situation, thinking i was wrong for what i had done. talking to him did make me feel guilty, so i went up to visit her at work, talked to her, apologized for the way i tried to pressure her into leaving her boyfriend, and she apologized to me for things that she had done. we began talking again, with a known mutual interest in being together, but also without any kind of pressure in terms of physical actions or what have you. basically, getting to know each other for who we are, not letting our hormones get in the way.

when i told me friend about this, he was completely okay with it, continuously saying "as long as you go about this the right way, i have no problems with it", and everything that her and i were doing by this point was his definition of doing it the "right way".

but he got mad again, and started on his feelings about how he couldn't sit back any longer while this guy was in the dark about it. he agreed that it needs to be her to tell him what's up, but says if she doesn't do it, then he doesn't know how long he can keep silent.

i wasn't upset about him telling me i was wrong. i'm not going to lie to myself or anyone else - i know i am the bad guy here. i am actively trying to take a girl from her boyfriend. normally, this isn't me. except for 1 time in high school, which i feel completely bad about, if i've ever been into someone that had a boyfriend, that's where it ended. she had a boyfriend, end of subject. maybe someday she'll break up with him, but it won't be by my doing.

this situation is different. i do understand that people play games, and lead others on. and i understand why everything is looked upon so low by people on the outside looking in. but i've been played before, i know what it's like, and when i'm with her, and when i'm talking to her, i don't get that sense that i am being played, or that she is just keeping me around to have her cake and eat it to. i truly get the sense that she wants me over her boyfriend, but she is scared of change. because i know what she's been through, and i know why that change would scare her.

and if i am being naiive, and she is just playing me for a fool, then i have accepted that possibility, and i can accept those consequences.

but, my best friend, trying to get himself involved when it's not his situation catches me off guard. and him not talking to me for over a week now is really starting to bother me. and if it IS because of what's happening with her, then no, those are consequences that i can't accept. and i will NOT lose my best friend over some girl, no matter how much potential i believe her and i have. she'll be nothing more than a memory to me before i lose my friend.

it's just so out of character. he is not the type to hold a grudge. not like this. he and i have been the only people that we could rely on. i mean, i have a good family, and i have great friends. about 3 other than him that i could consider a "best" friend. but when it comes down to it, i can tell him things that i can't tell anyone else, and vice versa, even if we both don't always have the best of advice.

i can understand him being upset. i'm walking into a situation that has the potential to be very bad. hell, it's already not that great. i just never expected him to take it to this extreme. all of my other friends have flat out told me how stupid i am. they wish me the best, and hope it works out with her and i, but they feel i'm being stupid. but at the same time, they also feel that there are certain lessons i need to learn for myself, and they aren't going to hold a grudge against me for my mistakes. i'll live, and learn, and become a better man for it.

and i am learning lessons - lessons i didn't need his reaction to teach me. and changes i am already in the process of making. it just shocks me how he wants to get directly involved, and take matters into his own hands, and basically live my life for me. and her's as well. and now seemingly avoid me because i didn't agree.