Random Simpsons Quotes Thread

[SoulManX]

Marge: Grandpa, this flag only has 49 stars on it
Grandpa: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

Grandpa: Now where's my card. Ok, I'm an elk, a communist, the president of the gay and lesbian comittee for some reason, oh here it is. The Stone cutters.
Homer: Yes thank you dad. Lets go!.... I'll take this communist one too!

Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!

Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

 

[SoulManX]

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

Homer (sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! hits tree


Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

 

[Mdizzle]

Lionel Hutz is the best.

"Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer...uhh...keeper-awayer...."

 

[K.B.]

Gill :"Ya gotta help me! The wolf is at old Gills door."

 

[SoulManX]

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.


Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens

 

[JTStarkiller]

Homer: Homer's Odyssey. Is this about that mini-van I rented once?
Lisa: No, Dad, it's an epic tale from ancient Greece.
Homer: That mini-van had the biggest cup holders. And change slots for every coin. From penny to quarter.
Bart: Dad, I loved it too. But it was seven years ago!

 

[Mdizzle]

More classic Hutz:

"Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' very often, but you sir are the greatest hero in American history."

 

[SoulManX]

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Ralph: That's my swingset, and that's my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun.
Bart: Right, the leprechaun.
Ralph: He told me to burn things.

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Homer: He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?!?

Hans Moleman: Lesbian?! This isn't my army reunion.
Gay man in army clothes: You're coming home with me.
Hans Moleman: Yes, Colonel.

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay...

 

[Mdizzle]

Ahh, Kenny Brockelstein.

"Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the army, but a more alarmist name would be...The Killbot Factory."

 

[SoulManX]

Homer: here's a quarter. You go call for help, and I'll protect the sugar.
Hans: If only this sugar were as sweet as you, sir.

Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders... my friend!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno. Somethin' about being gay.

Carl: You know I'm sick and tired of people assuming I'm good at basketball just because Im African American. (Slam Dunks the ball)

Comic Book Guy: Last night's 'Itchy and Scratchy Show' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

 

[SoulManX]

Cletus: Hey slow down I wants to talk to ya! Give us 300 pretzels!
Marge (talking to Homer): Your see, a little persistence and patience, paid off.
That'll be 300 dollars!
Cletus: I dont think so, you see I got 300 coupons.
Marge: hmmm, I should of set limit one per customer.
Cletus: Shoulda but didn't. Ok, now hand them over!
HEY KIDS! WE EATIN DINNER TONIGHT! CMON!
Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dillan, Dermit, Jordan, Tailor, Brittney, Wesley, Rumor, Skyle, Cassidy, Zoe, Cloe, Max, Hunter, Kendel, Katelyn, Noah, Sasha, Morgan, Kira, Ean, Lauren, Kubert, Phil!


Cletus (at the carwash): All right youngens, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches! Who wants wax?

 

[Mdizzle]

Homer demonstrates his fantastic math skills:

"But Marge! It'll cost us eighty-five hundred dollars! We have five hundred in the bank, so that leaves us...eighty hundred!"

I still count on my fingers too.

 

[Dr. Evil]

Troy McClure:

"I'll leave you with what we all came to see: HARDCORE NUDITY!"

 

[Kingfish]

Time for some Barney.


Barney: Next they're gonna show my movie.
Bart: You made a movie?
Barney: I made a movie? I wondered why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

Barney: And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
[punches him out]
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!
[disbelieving]
Moe: Pitt the Elder...
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
[punches him out]

Barney: [Barney is hitting the ground with a stick] Take that snake! Ungh! And you too! Snakes! Snakes everyhere!
Lenny: Getting ready for Whacking Day?
Barney: What's Whacking Day?

 

[Mdizzle]

"Well, I don't want to sleep with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm gonna go downstairs, unfold the couch, unwrap the sleeping bag, and....aww to hell with it. Nite. Zzzzzzz."

 

[Mutagen]

Comic Book Guy: Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibleeee... Ghost Rider!

Otto: What about Superman?

Comic Book Guy: Oh, please.

 

[Obi-Ron]

Old-school Homer: "A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center."

 

[Mdizzle]

Comic Book Guy: Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibleeee... Ghost Rider!

Otto: What about Superman?

Comic Book Guy: Oh, please.

This reminded me of the monorail ep, when Marge calls Homer to help him stop the runaway train...

"Homer! There's someone here who can help you!"
"Is it Batman?"
"No, he's a scientist."
"Batman's a scientist?"
"It's not Batman!"

 

[Mutagen]

This reminded me of the monorail ep, when Marge calls Homer to help him stop the runaway train...

"Homer! There's someone here who can help you!"
"Is it Batman?"
"No, he's a scientist."
"Batman's a scientist?"
"It's not Batman!"

The Simpsons are great for that type of thing.

 

[SoulManX]

Kent Brockman: Good morning everybody, panic is gripping Springfield as giant advertising mascots rampage through the city. Perhaps it's just part of some daring new ad campaign, but what new product could justify such carnage?

Krusty: Don't blame me! It's the percadan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain ... And now a word from our new sponsor ... Percadan, oh crap!

Krusty: I thought they were due! That game was fixed! The Globetrotters used a ladder for pete's sake! C'mon! He's just holding out the ball, take it!



Laywer: Well, what about that tatoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die, Bart, Die?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for 'The Bart, The."
Parole Judge: No one who speaks German can be an evil man! Parole Granted!


Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

 

[Kingfish]

One of the all time classic Simpson songs.

 

[Mdizzle]

Hahah the songs are great. Two of the best parodies on the show:

"When the weight of the world has got you down
And you want to end your life,
Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
And problems with the wife.
But don't throw in the towel,
Cuz there's a place right down the block...
Where you can drink your misery away...
At Flaming Moe's....(Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
When liquor in a mug(Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
Can warm you like a hug.(Flaming Moe's...)
And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away..."


"Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history,
From the, town of Springfield!
He's about to hit a chestnut tree!
Waaaah!"

 

[Pink Ranger]

Probably the best and most quoted Homerism of all time ...

"Marge, I agree with you. In theory. In theory, communism works. In theory."

 

[Mdizzle]

Or more classic Bart:

"I can't promise you I'll try. But I'll try to try."

That one works in so many situations.

 

[Obi-Ron]

"When the weight of the world has got you down
And you want to end your life,
Bills to pay, a dead-end job,
And problems with the wife.
But don't throw in the towel,
Cuz there's a place right down the block...
Where you can drink your misery away...
At Flaming Moe's....(Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
When liquor in a mug(Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...)
Can warm you like a hug.(Flaming Moe's...)
And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away...
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away..."

All work and Moe play makes Moe a Moe Moe.