So if you hadn't seen your father in years and found out he was terminally ill-

[Sloth7d]

How would you go about meeting with him. I'm thinking about going to his job today, but even when we lived together we hardly talked outside of WWE discussions. However, I've long since lost interest in that. Add to this, he seems to be hiding his illness and I wasn't even suppose to know about it. And add to that, just the other day, I was *****ing about him never being around only to have this bomb shell drop on me. I really just have no idea how to go about this situation, and it seems like it's going to be nothing but awkward and uncomfortable.

 

[hammy]

I think it's possible that you will find, once together, that a lot of the expected awkwardness will melt away in light of his illness. It's easier to forgive past sins when faced with this situation. He may have made a lot of mistakes in the past, but he knows he only has so much time to make up for that, now. Hopefully you'll be able to reconcile and enjoy what time you have left together.

Sorry to hear about this. Best of luck with it. Definitely see him though. I think you'll regret it if you don't.

 

[November Rain]

Either go all out or Live in denial

as the youngest, i'm supposed to not know alot of stuff happening in my family, real shame at 25 i'm still treated like an 8 year old.

Regardless, if they want to make a big song and dance about everything being fine, I normally just ride with it.

It seems you want to talk so just go and bite the bullet.

 

[Sloth7d]

Thanks Casey. Yeah, if the situation with the illness was that easy to handle I don't think I'd be in this boat. However, my father is a proud person, who often pushes others away and doesn't say anything unless it needs to be said. Which makes it very bad that I know about the illness that he wants hidden, and if I tell him I know, not only am I afraid he'll push me away even further, but I'll also risk the friendship of the person that told me about in the first place. Not to mention after all these years, I just don't know what to say to the man outside of "hope" and "pray". Which really is all I can think of. It's a weird feeling I'm having now. It's not so much sadness, but I don't want him to die either ofcourse.

 

[Sloth7d]

Either go all out or Live in denial

as the youngest, i'm supposed to not know alot of stuff happening in my family, real shame at 25 i'm still treated like an 8 year old.

Regardless, if they want to make a big song and dance about everything being fine, I normally just ride with it.

It seems you want to talk so just go and bite the bullet.

That's exactly what I want to do, but I really can't think of a single word to say outside of the obvious problem. And if I ride with it, I'll feel like I'm letting him push me away again, which is why I hardly know him in the first place. I also wonder if I should buy him a belatted fathers day card to maybe lighten the mood, but then I wonder, "what if he gets offended that I didn't look for him ON fathers day?" I've really got nothing here. I can't think of anything else to do except be supportive, even though I reall want to fuse him out for not being around when he easily could do so.

 

[jaguarr]

In addition to what Casey's very good advice, I'll just add that your dad is pretty much all alone right now, facing the illness that he is saddled with and the knowledge that it will probably take him down. Even the strongest, most stoic of men will be crying on the inside from something like that, no matter what kind of public front they put on. Reach out to him. Let him know you're there for him. He needs you now more than ever, even if he's too proud to admit that. Life is too short....blood is thicker than water, etc., etc. Don't let this all go down without doing anything at all, or you'll likely regret it for the rest of your life.

jag

 

[Sloth7d]

In addition to what Casey's very good advice, I'll just add that your dad is pretty much all alone right now, facing the illness that he is saddled with and the knowledge that it will probably take him down. Even the strongest, most stoic of men will be crying on the inside from something like that, no matter what kind of public front they put on. Reach out to him. Let him know you're there for him. He needs you now more than ever, even if he's too proud to admit that. Life is too short....blood is thicker than water, etc., etc. Don't let this all go down without doing anything at all, or you'll likely regret it for the rest of your life.

jag

But if he really wanted me to be there for him, why hide this? Why is he being such a selfish ass? Did he just want to die unbeknownst to me, so I can show up at his funeral with a stupid look on my face. I just don't understand his actions. Yeah, I don't want to regret not saying something. No, I don't want him to die, but I'm really pissed at him too. Add to that, we haven't seen each other in ages, and have nothing to talk about except this elephant in the room.

 

[November Rain]

That's exactly what I want to do, but I really can't think of a single word to say outside of the obvious problem. And if I ride with it, I'll feel like I'm letting him push me away again, which is why I hardly know him in the first place. I also wonder if I should buy him a belatted fathers day card to maybe lighten the mood, but then I wonder, "what if he gets offended that I didn't look for him ON fathers day?" I've really got nothing here. I can't think of anything else to do except be supportive, even though I reall want to fuse him out for not being around when he easily could do so.

In a sentence, I'd say stop worry about the ifs and the butts and just Do it.

 

[jaguarr]

But if he really wanted me to be there for him, why hide this? Why is he being such a selfish ass? Did he just want to die unbeknownst to me, so I can show up at his funeral with a stupid look on my face. I just don't understand his actions. Yeah, I don't want to regret not saying something. No, I don't want him to die, but I'm really pissed at him too. Add to that, we haven't seen each other in ages, and have nothing to talk about except this elephant in the room.

It's not because he's selfish, I'm betting, but more because he doesn't want to burden you with his problems. He's trying to protect you from his pain, quite possibly. He may also be feeling like a failure as a father because he knows he's going to leave you behind much sooner than he ever thought he would and is feeling weak as a human for contracting a terminal illness (and possibly a bit embarrassed as well). Tell him you know and that you're there for him. He needs to know that.

jag

 

[Logan's Runt]

It's not because he's selfish, I'm betting, but more because he doesn't want to burden you with his problems. He's trying to protect you from his pain, quite possibly. He may also be feeling like a failure as a father because he knows he's going to leave you behind much sooner than he ever thought he would and is feeling weak as a human for contracting a terminal illness (and possibly a bit embarrassed as well). Tell him you know and that you're there for him. He needs to know that.

jag

Aye, these things are never as simple as 'selfish.' They're always a mess of emotions, pain, and embarrassment. Most people find it easier to avoid confronting them at all- thus his hiding it from everyone.

 

[Darthphere]

In addition to what Casey's very good advice, I'll just add that your dad is pretty much all alone right now, facing the illness that he is saddled with and the knowledge that it will probably take him down. Even the strongest, most stoic of men will be crying on the inside from something like that, no matter what kind of public front they put on. Reach out to him. Let him know you're there for him. He needs you now more than ever, even if he's too proud to admit that. Life is too short....blood is thicker than water, etc., etc. Don't let this all go down without doing anything at all, or you'll likely regret it for the rest of your life.

jag

It's not because he's selfish, I'm betting, but more because he doesn't want to burden you with his problems. He's trying to protect you from his pain, quite possibly. He may also be feeling like a failure as a father because he knows he's going to leave you behind much sooner than he ever thought he would and is feeling weak as a human for contracting a terminal illness (and possibly a bit embarrassed as well). Tell him you know and that you're there for him. He needs to know that.

jag

What Jag said, which is a lot better than what I was going to type which was stop being a puss and go to him already, but Jag said it best. I really don't know what I would do if my dad was in that situation, considering I'm very close to my dad it would probably destroy me.

 

[Sloth7d]

It's not because he's selfish, I'm betting, but more because he doesn't want to burden you with his problems. He's trying to protect you from his pain, quite possibly. He may also be feeling like a failure as a father because he knows he's going to leave you behind much sooner than he ever thought he would and is feeling weak as a human for contracting a terminal illness (and possibly a bit embarrassed as well). Tell him you know and that you're there for him. He needs to know that.

jag

I hope you're right. But as it stands, I still have a lot of built up resentment towards him for just checking out of my life with no explanation. Maybe that's why I so easily want to jump to the conclusion that he's being selfish, even though in the end it's still selfish regardless of his intentions. But I was hoping for a way to make this less awkward than it will be. I need a good subject to distract from the disease in case things get bad. But I'm drawing a blank.

 

[jaguarr]

I hope you're right. But as it stands, I still have a lot of built up resentment towards him for just checking out of my life with no explanation. Maybe that's why I so easily want to jump to the conclusion that he's being selfish, even though in the end it's still selfish regardless of his intentions. But I was hoping for a way to make this less awkward than it will be. I need a good subject to distract from the disease in case things get bad. But I'm drawing a blank.

Tell him how you feel, dude. Vent your frustration to him over his checking out of your life. Clear the air. Give him a chance to explain. He may have had damn good reasons that you weren't aware of, he may not have; but at least give him the chance to understand where you're coming from and a chance for him to explain himself to you. Once he passes, you will never...ever...ever get the chance to clear the air with him and quit carrying around all the baggage you have between the two of you. I dare say he OWES you the opportunity to tell him how you feel and even owes you an explanation at the very least. This could be a very cathartic, amazing thing for both of you if you've got the sack to drive it and see it through.

jag

 

[Sloth7d]

That's what I'll probably end up doing. I was just hoping there was a better way to come at him, other than bring up such a thing with him in this condition.

 

[jaguarr]

That's what I'll probably end up doing. I was just hoping there was a better way to come at him, other than bring up such a thing with him in this condition.

Nahhh. Straighforward and blunt, dude. Leave no openings for avoiding the conversation. You've earned the right to shoot straight with him; hard enough that he'll have to shoot straight with you in return. Best of luck with it. I can only imagine how truly difficult it will be to muster the courage to face him. Map out what you want to say to him before you do, though. Maybe even write a letter to him, but not to actually give to him, but to help you sort out in a linear fashion what you want to say to him and what you are expecting him to do, here. Tell him how you feel, express your concern and worry for his health and let him know you're there for him, and tell him what you expect from him in this situation so he knows what he has to do to step up to the plate and deliver not just for you, but for himself as well. He's probably not thinking all that clearly and could possibly be in a lot of pain as well, so clear, open communication and direction is the key.

jag

 

[hammy]

Sloth, my advice, for what it's worth is; don't worry about hiding the fact you know about his illness, and don't worry about putting a strain on your friendship with the person who told you. You have enough on your plate. It might actually be a relief to your dad to find out you know. He very well may be suffering great remorse about not being a good dad. Or maybe he isn't, but the point is, you don't know and won't know until you speak to him. Imo you have the right to know this about your father. And now that you do, that knowledge trumps any secrets between you and your friend. Obviously your friend thought it was important enough for you to know. Once they have divulged the info, it's yours to do with what you will and your friendship shouldn't suffer for it. If it does, so be it. This is more important and with farther reaching implications.

You might actually be doing your dad a huge favor by confronting him (not in a bad way) with what you know. He may be clueless how to break this news to you. I understand that he might have felt it was "his" news to break to you, and maybe that's why he wanted the secrecy .. maybe he was waiting for that mythological "right" moment. Whatever his reasoning .. even if it IS just that he wanted to push you out of his life and be left to die .. the point is, YOU have certain rights, too. He's the one who is ill, but it's not ALL about him. You have the right to try to reconcile, even if he refuses. You'll be very relieved you made the effort, believe me. Even if he is a complete ******* to you, at least you will know for the rest of your life that you did everything you could. You won't have that regret hanging over your head.

If you are struggling that much with other topics of conversation, go back to the WWE if you must. Or talk about your mom, other siblings, what you're doing in school, work, etc. Talk about your own life, if necessary. Just TALK. And maybe he will do the same. I really hope so. Good luck.

 

[Sloth7d]

So I had to take a day and think things over. "You dumb ass, anything could have happened to him while you were twiddling your thumbs!" Yeah, I know, but I couldn't charge head first into this either. So, I go and I find out--

He's Married! WTH! He got married sometime in between the time we stopped talking and didn't tell me. Didn't invite me to his wedding. W. T. H. And I also found out my brother, who also keeps people at a distance like my old man, knew he was sick, but didn't tell us (the rest of my family) because "he thought we knew." Um... What?! Even if you "thought we knew, you still didn't think to call me and talk about this together as brothers? What? I mean seriously, the nerve of these guys. And what's worse, my mom saids that I act just like them at times, but still, I would like to believe I would tell my brother or son if someone they knew had a terminal illness or was getting married.

 

[hammy]

Sloth, you can't control other peoples behavior. At least you have the sense to see how badly they have behaved, which is a good thing. Look at your brother, he takes after your father, apparently. He doesn't have the sense that you do.

Sorry you have had even more piled on you. I can understand your need to step back a day or two and figure out how to handle it. You know, there really is no "wrong" way to deal with this, except to ignore it. It's not like there's some prescribed appropriate behavior you can follow. You just have to feel your way through it, and it might be very painful, but I am convinced that it is the right thing for you to do. And I am convinced you will regret it forever if you don't.

There are a LOT of dysfunctional people and families. You can't help having the family you do, but at least you can find some satisfaction in making better decisions and one day, being a better father to your own children.

 

[Sloth7d]

Thanks dude. I will. But I already met him (my fault, I should have been clear about that). The day I took to think about meeting him was yesterday. I went to see him earlier today, and man he looks different. Though besides the point, I'm just wondering if I'm being disrespected here by him. I want to continue seeing him until whatever happens, and maybe get to know my new step mother too, but I wonder; "Should I want to?" I mean, he didn't even want me to know. He planned on dying without telling me anyway. He got married without giving me a second thought. Should I really put my heart on the line just because he is my father. I mean, I might as well treat he and my brother like someone I don't know. That's how they treat me, especially with their lousy excuses. And I'm sorry for going on like this, but I just need somewhere to vent.

 

[jaguarr]

Thanks dude. I will. But I already met him (my fault, I should have been clear about that). The day I took to think about meeting him was yesterday. I went to see him earlier today, and man he looks different. Though besides the point, I'm just wondering if I'm being disrespected here by him. I want to continue seeing him until whatever happens, and maybe get to know my new step mother too, but I wonder; "Should I want to?" I mean, he didn't even want me to know. He planned on dying without telling me anyway. He got married without giving me a second thought. Should I really put my heart on the line just because he is my father. I mean, I might as well treat he and my brother like someone I don't know. That's how they treat me, especially with their lousy excuses. And I'm sorry for going on like this, but I just need somewhere to vent.

We're a safe place to vent, man, so no worries about that. All I will add here is that this is a chance for you to rise above the pettiness and BS that some of the other men in your family seem prone to and demonstrate that you are able to look beyond those things to what is important and set an example, if not for them then for yourself as one you will be able to follow for the rest of your life. This is a shot for you to be the better man, even if ultimately your father can't rise to the occassion. You will never regret having done that, I can promise you.

jag

 

[Sloth7d]

That's what I think I'm going to do. Somehow, I'll make this work in some shape or form. My main concern right now, though, is my brother, since he doesn't have cancer as a medium to help us bond. I'm really having trouble even liking him right now. Should I try to re-estasblish our relationship too, even though the same situation for my father doesn't apply to him? Like I mentioned before, I think the whole cancer thing is what's helping me still have some feelings for the old man, but nothing is there to even remotely make me want to try with my brother.

 

[jaguarr]

At least give your brother the opportunity to rise above it all along with you. If he chooses not to, that's up to him and you can't own his decision. But at least you will have given him the chance to be a better man, right?

jag

 

[Sloth7d]

But he's part of the problem with the situation, isn't he? What kind of person wouldn't want to talk to their brother, no matter how distant they are to them, about their father having cancer? I just don't think, "I thought you knew" excuses this.

 

[jaguarr]

So tell him that, man. Get it off your chest. B***h him out (guilt is a wonderful motivator). It's no holds barred sometimes when you're stepping up to the plate to mend family rifts and bring people together again. If he doesn't come around then at least you told him how you feel and know that you tried to bring him around.

jag

 

[Sloth7d]

Well, I did talk to him and address that. But between the stammering, excuses, and other stuff, it made me wonder if he's really someone I should keep up with, brother or not. Like, you wouldn't hang around a liar even if it's your friend(something I learned the hard way). Why should this be any different because a piece of dna connects us?