Tips for all you Virgin Dork, on how to get laid and be a PIMP

Whack Arnolds

Apr 10, 2005
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Lesson 1:

point of these rules and regulations is to get more _____ for less money, and to teach women how men think. These rules are not designed to get you a girlfriend or a wife, or to keep either. BUT, if that is your goal, there is still something to be learned from the following information. So pay attention class...


- Three strikes, youre out.
This means that if a woman does not give up the _____inside of 3 dates, youre out. There are far too many women out there that do **** inside of three dates for you to waste your valuable time on the ones that dont.

- $40 limit.
No date should cost you more than $40 for everything (gas, parking, food, drinks, shows, tips, everything). This is to prevent you from falling into the trap of thinking that if you spend enough money on her, shell put out. Lets face it, if she wants to **** you, shell do it without you spending a cent. But if she doesnt want to **** you, no amount of money spent will change her mind. Keeping that in mind, $40 is your limit, less is better and if you can get her to pay, youre a pimp.

- Dates happen at night.
Do not accept lunch dates or coffee dates as they are designed to preclude the possibility of sex. If sex isnt an option, why the hell are you there?

- A round of drinks.
Women that dont drink are far less likely to put out. Society has taught women two things about sex.
1) Being easy is bad.
2) Saying I was drunk is an acceptable excuse for being easy.
Note: I do not recommend getting a woman drunk in order to **** her. I am simply saying that by insuring that she has a few drinks you have provided her the necessary excuse to ****.

- Be in touch with your inner A-hole. No, this does not read be an a$$hole. Being in touch with your inner A-hole is simply leveling the playing field. Refusing to do something for someone just because they dont have a ****. Examples: Dont open a door for her unless you get to it first, and you have the right to expect her to do the same. Dont offer to buy her a drink as a pick up line. (So Weak) Dont buy her things (flowers, candy, stuffed toys etc). Dont loan her your coat. And by all means, NEVER hold her purse.

- Sometimes dates go south on you, its just a fact of life. Once you realize that is what has happened, dont bother trying to recover the date, but theres no reason not to go for the gold. Just say to her; Look, I know tonight isnt going well. So what do you say we just go
, and then move on with our lives? Odds are low on this one but the risk is almost non-existent. Youre not gonna see her again anyway, so its totally cool if she hates you, and if you don't pull the trigger, theres zero chance youre gonna get laid. Think of it as a free shot on goal.

Tips for getting in touch with your inner A-hole:

- Eating a full meal before you go out allows you to order very little for dinner. Ill just have a side salad, thank you. Since women are so concerned about how they appear in public, its seriously unlikely that she will order more than you. This helps to keep the dinner bill down. Of course, youll need an excuse for only ordering a salad, try: Im trying to eat a bit more healthy so Ill look good for you.

- Coupons are great, use them. Due to the fact that women are generally gold diggers, if she sees you using a coupon, she will find you less attractive as it indicates you dont have the money that she is looking to siphon off of your wallet. So when you get the bill, you dont pay at the table, you take the bill and the coupon, to the register and pay there.

- Men and women are not friends unless one or more of the following conditions are met.
- He is gay.
- She is unattractive.
- Sex is a forgone conclusion.
To a woman, a male friend is a guy that provides the attention she desires, but has no right to expect anything in return. That being the case, under NO circumstances are you allow a woman think you are her friend. It is up to you to let her know that you have enough friends and that you are interested in her in a romantic sense only. If she insists that you are friends, then stop calling her.

- The bar is the most expensive place in the world to drink, and its a difficult place to actually
. So, try to keep your number of drinks in a bar to a minimum. Youre excuse for not drinking is that you want to get her home safe. Then you offer to take her back to your place for drinks. Remember, this requires that you have chick drinks at your place. Jagermeister, Goldschlager, Rumplemintz, Vodka, Canberry Juice and OJ should cover it, but keeping a bottle of white wine on hand is a good idea (most women cant drink red wine) but make sure you have wineglasses. Of course, youll need to have whatever you drink on had as well.

- Being a bit unreliable boosts your stock. Im not sure why this is, but I think women generally associate unreliability with the bad boy image and it makes them desire you. So, cancel a few dates, and cancel them as late as possible, like a few hours before the agreed upon meeting time. For the dates you show up for, show up 15 to 20 minutes late.

- If a woman begins to carry on a conversation on her cell phone while on a date with you, you can assume shes setting up another date for later in the night. In other words, youre footing the bill to provide her with a nice evening, and some other guy (probably me) is gonna get laid for your effort. So, if she begins to carry on a conversation on her phone, quietly excuse yourself and leave. When the two of you are out, you get to be number one, and if she cant give you that respect, you need to quite wasting your time and money. She can pay for dinners once she realizes youre gone.

- Women love to mark their territory. This is why women leave hair clips, earrings, underwear and tampons behind once they have spent the night. Gather all of these things up, and place them in a lost and found box. Whenever a woman asks if youve seen her "scrunchy" you simply tell her to check in the lost and found.

- Dont cuddle. Once you are done, one of you needs to leave. Cuddling leads to sleeping, sleeping leads to waking up with her, which leads to her thinking that you owe her brunch. Be very clear about this, and enforce it.

- Friday and Saturday nights are for women that you have a good chance for
. First dates should take place on other nights of the week.

- You are not available to help them. (move, re-arrange the house, program the VCR, fix their car, etc)

- Ask her what her preferred form of birth control is. If she doesnt use one (a condom doesnt count) then you must assume she wants to get pregnant. Time to bail.

- If youre under 25, you dont need a girlfriend, you need to go and date more women so that you know what kinds of women are out there, and what kind works best for you. Until that is done, youre not qualified to determine who is the right woman for you.
Lesson 2:


- Never date a single mother. The reason for this is threefold.
1) You already know what she will do in the event she gets pregnant.
2) A woman with a kid is unavailable. You cant call her at 1 am and say "So whatcha doing?"
3) The #1 spot is already taken, and there is no chance that you can get it. Youre good enough to be #1 so she's beneath you.

- Never without a condom.
Let me say that again, Never without a condom. No matter how much she says, I just want to feel you dont her without a condom. But, thats not enough. When you finish, you must dispose of the condom properly. At her house you flush it. At your house you keep a bottle of Tabasco in the bathroom and you put two drops in the condom, and throw it away. (you dont want to stop up your own plumbing with condoms)

- NEVER answer your phone on a Friday or Saturday night. These are prime dating nights and you must appear to be busy, whether or not you are. This is what an answering machine is for. That way you can screen your calls and pick up if its a buddy. Voicemail is a no-no.

- Never call a girl back the next day. 5 days is the industry standard, and longer is better. This keeps you from being needy and makes you more attractive as you clearly have other things going on in your life.

- Never pay a woman a real compliment on her appearance as it builds up her ego, and is likely to make her feel she can do better than you. Instead, you pay them backhanded compliments designed to attack their self-esteem. Examples: "I like a woman with a big ", "Most guys dont like little boobs, but I think they look great on you.", "I like a little meat on my woman." You get the idea.

- NEVER let a woman think she is the only one. I dont know why it is, but when women ask So, are you seeing anyone? Guys tend to immediately blurt out No, not me, I'm just dating you! I dont know why guys do this, but its shooting yourself in the foot. Let her know that she is in competition. Nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant, and a competitive woman is an attentive woman.

- Any woman that says she only has guy friends is a problem. You can her, but dont even consider dating her.

- Never date a woman you work with. When the relationship ends, you will have to see her everyday. And if it ends poorly, your job is at risk. Its just not worth it.

- Never go with a woman to a concert or show where one of her friends is performing. You are just along so that she doesn't have to be alone, and shes going to him tonight, not you.
I always found the fastest way to get a girl to be willing to have sex with you is to find someone shallow and show her your nice things.
Things you should know about women:

- If a woman says youre a nice guy, or a friend she is not going to **** you.

- Women dont know how to say No. So, anytime a woman says; Maybe, Well see, We can talk about it, or Ill think about it it means No.

- Women are the cheapest (Why else are they gold diggers?)

- As a rule, the more attractive a woman is, the lower her self-esteem is. Remember, we are looking for women whose self-esteem is so low, that she will even **** you.

For the Ladies:

- When we ask you out, its not because we think you did well on your SAT. We are asking you out because we want to **** the hell out of you. So stop pretending that we like you as a person when we dont even know you.

- The longer you hold out, the lower our interest level goes. Think about it. We meet you at a party. We spend the evening talking to you. Through our conversation we discover that you are very cool and interesting. Obviously we find you attractive, or we wouldnt be talking to you in the first place (exclusions made for very drunk conversations) As the night comes to a close we take you home where you promptly **** our brains out.

Now, heres the question; Do you really think we get up the next morning and think to ourselves Well, shes hot, shes cool, shes interesting, but I cant date her because she **** me when I wanted her to.?

If we don't call you back, its because we dont like you. Hell, if youre a good enough lay, we might even call you back when we don't like you. ****ing us only improves your odds of a call back. Holding out makes you less attractive. Which is your preference? (No, there are no other options)

- When youre in bed with a guy, and hes not doing something right, don't just take it, and don't just avoid it. Tell us what the hell you want. This may come as a surprise to you, but the same **** you dont like, was exactly what last nights girl loved. Newsflash; youre all ****ing different and unless you tell us what you like, we dont have a ****ing clue and were just running through our bag of tricks hoping to get lucky. Next time, you tell us what to ____, where to _____, how hard to _____, and for how long. Trust me, were okay with that.

- We know you like to ****, and we know that you are conflicted by some antiquated rule that your mothers taught you, Something about, its not acceptable for you to just want to **** Trust me on this one, its totally okay for you to want to ****, and we will help you out.

- When it comes to picking up a guy, it's really easy, all you have to do is communicate clearly. Damn, I'm sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. Okay, here is what you do. You find a guy and repeat this line to him:

"Hi, I find you attractive and I would like to take you home."

I promise that you wont have to say this line to more than two guys before you have what you want. You dont think so? Fine, try it and tell me how wrong I am.

- Guys are very simple. When were thirsty, we want a drink; when were hungry, we want to eat; when were tired, we want to sleep; and when were horny, we want to
. Is that really so damn hard?

- Guys think that women who expect us to pay for dinners, drinks, movies, clubs, etc before you go down on us, are ****es. We know this because we have had girls **** us because they wanted to, not because we bought them off.

- Your **** is no better than the one we had last night, so stop thinking youre special.
I really hope your not typing all of this.
Naw, I'm copying and pasting. If my professor finds out, I bet I will be suspended....
Whack Arnolds said:
Naw, I'm copying and pasting. If my professor finds out, I bet I will be suspended....

What school do you go to, whats the professors name, and whats their email adress.

No reason, just curious :p
Whack Arnolds said:
Naw, I'm copying and pasting. If my professor finds out, I bet I will be suspended....

If your professor is a pimp the you will probably get slapped :o
I bet your 40 dollar limit trick works everytime.
I have trouble remembering stuff should I print this out and keep it with me to reference during the opportune times?
This is like a Pimp-Bible!:eek:

Don't laugh at the Messiah Pimp, for he will bring you hoes.
I like how it says because seriously I don't think this guy came up with it on his own is how he says $40.00 is all you should pay but you should also buy her a few drinks. Where does one go and pay for dinner and drinks for under $40.00? :rolleyes:
I hope this was only posted for parody purposes only.

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