^I got too much **** going on now to give two craps to war on X-mas.
I am sitting here listening to my dad try to breathe with and O2 assist at 5am est. He was born in 1946. It's cancer and as of now the Doctors say, it's over. He is staring down mortality and besides wishing things were different, I wonder what is going through his mind as the clock ticks away? My father is not and never was a religious person. He used to say things like "The Church didn't put food on my table or a shirt on my back, so why should I care?" The odd part is that congenitally speaking he's pretty conservative politics wise, even though we were all shocked to learn that my father had always voted Democratic Party a couple of years back. Who knew? My mom is very much a woman of the 60's and is quite liberal, yet she is the one that wants to see the Shroud of Turin and has a belief in the after life and God, if not in a dogmatic way. She really raised me with the idea that if I tried to be a good person that was what was important to God's eyes. So my Atheism, like everyone's I guess, comes from a convoluted place. But I just can't believe in the Judeo-Chistian God any more for a variety of reasons. But now that my father is sick and he is going to die I have to admit that I would love to be able to accept something that is comforting and even inspiring at this moment. But I cannot. I just see that my father, whom I love, is going to leave this life and he is doing so in a long and painful manner, and in the end... I am not sure there was any point at all. I feel angry, and scared and old and tired myself. But again... I just can't see how a God of mercy, love and justice fits into this life. I would love to believe, for both my father's sake and my own. I just can't.