I confess I once visited a very dark place mentally a long time ago, and got help for it. But it's a constant monkey on my back, and I've never, and will never, live properly since then. I confess I don't know who I am, and or what I'll ever amount to. I confess there are no lines anymore, and the only real word to describe myself I can ever use, is 'empty'.
Hello cyclone, dude, you are not 'empty', you are just trying to find yourself after going through some heavy mental illness.
You can make yourself mentally ill through not believing in yourself, locking your self away, thinking you are worthless, thinking you are not like other people...these are all illusions, but they can seem very real, and *almost* become idelibly printed onto our identities.
But, we can come back, or even emerge truly for the first time, we can learn to lose these illusions and piece back together healthy thought processes. the more you heal, the more these flashbacks to the old ways of thinking shrink and disapear.
But, you have to believe in yourself, you have to find things in life that are healthy and that you can latch onto, or else you will have nothing to replace all the bad thoughts with.
I imagine you are feeling 'empty', and perhaps find yourself revisiting bad places your mind has taken you to, because you have not found the things in life that you need, and that you are meant to find. But, be patient and persevere, talking openly about such fears is the first step you are making in trying to find a new way. It means you of course don't want to be this way, but also because you are hoping someone else has been in the same situation as you have been, and can turn round and tell you 'no, it's not hopeless you can come back from this.'
Well, I bet a lot of people have been to similar places you have, and they have come back. I don't know what your situation is, but I have been to dark places mentally, but have been piecing myself back together and have never felt more mentally healthy in my adult life than I ever thought I could be. It is possible, beleive me, but you have to believe in yourself, and never give up on yourself.
I hope you stick around and post more, because believe me, that was one of the first steps that led me to heal, being on internet forums and communicating with like minded people. These kind of places are invaluable for re-establishing a communication with your fellow human beings, especially when you are in a very vulnerable place mentally, and perhaps do not feel like going out much. It can do wonders for your self esteem and you can start to lose these demons that prey on you, by replacing those thoughts with communication, new ideas, new people and emotions and notions you thought were lost to you forever.
So, post more, take some steps to filling yourself up with something that will stop this 'empty' feeling you speak of. Doctors can only help so much, you have to take a step into the unknown sometimes, and brave your way into new situations, and these kind of places can help you do that in baby steps.
Also, please do not feel embarassed for sharing any of your problems, i have seen many deeply personal posts in this section of the forum, and no-one is ever judged on their life, or have any reference made to it elsewhere on the site.
Ok man, you're named after that French Spider-man supervillan right? I just read those ones in an Essential Spider-man book last year when i was plugging the gaps in my Spidey reading.
hope you stick around dude, take care.
