To Be Or Not To Be?

[Bboy]

If you're with someone you can see yourself marrying, and there are things about them that you don't agree with, do you...

Marry them anyway, hoping they'll just change in time and that things work out?

OR

See that as a red flag and realize that you can't marry someone in faith, you gotta see fruit/evidence now?

 

[SuperFerret]

What things don't I agree with?

 

[Bboy]

Well, just say there are qualities, or habits, or beliefs/convictions about them that don't line up with yours.

I'm not talking about whether they wanna see a chick flick and you wanna see an action one. In life, we're obviously always going to be different and have different opinions/preferences.

I mean deeper stuff hey.

 

[Bboy]

Yikes.. Double post.

 

[AndThePickles]

You should never go into anything basing your commitment on the fact that you want/expect them to change. Either you accept them as they are, including their "imperfections," or not. There are compromises that exist in all relationships, but you can't expect someone to change who they are.

 

[Lightning Strykez!]

^ Agreed.

We barely have enough conviction and strength to make changes about our own personal flaws, habits and idiosyncrasies that we don't like about ourselves. So if we struggle to improve our own personalities, how much more difficult would it be to change someone else's?

Don't expect the other person to change. Because honestly? They won't. At least not much. What you see now, is what you'll have forever.

 

[SuperFerret]

As long as we're both able to respect each other's differences, flaws and baggage, it'll be fine.

 

[PWN3R]

Your marriage is doomed if you're basing your decision of commitment on the collective Hype knowledge.

 

[Spider-Who?]

If you're with someone you can see yourself marrying, and there are things about them that you don't agree with, do you...

Marry them anyway, hoping they'll just change in time and that things work out?

OR

See that as a red flag and realize that you can't marry someone in faith, you gotta see fruit/evidence now?

Its a very tricky situation, one that you really need to not only have a very serious conversation with your partner about, but also alot of soul searching.

It also depends on what exactly you're talking about.

First off, you'll need to stop thinking about even the SLIGHTEST possibility that the other person will change. When you contemplate these differences or issues, you really need to ask yourself: "Do I WANT to deal with that for the REST OF MY LIFE?" Not "CAN I deal with it", because its easy to say "yes" to that. Look at the situation with as much logic and lack of emotion as possible. If you realize that, no, you do not WANT to deal with that forever, then you have two options: 1) discuss it with your partner in hopes that a solution can be made. 2) don't marry them.

You'll need to figure out how these differences will affect your future and everyday life. What impact will it have on raising children? On your every day and long term happiness and well being? Next to finances, religious/moral differences are at the top in terms of what leads to anger, resentment and divorce.

From experience, I almost married someone who just wasn't right for me. Yeah, I loved her to death, but there was a LOT of emotional baggage and moral...looseness, shall we say, and I did everything BUT what I'm telling you to do. I tried to ignore it. I tried to show her the "correct path". I asked her to marry me because A) despite those flaws I thought i wanted to be with her and B) I hoped that she would see marriage in a more serious light, and someday she would change. I was wrong on all accounts and was forced to learn the hard way what I and others are telling you now.

If there is anything you need to over think and take your time until there is no doubt, marriage is it. Be 100% open with your partner about what you're thinking. Don't expect them to change, don't try to force them to and CERTAINLY don't compromise your own beliefs and morals to make things well, because quite frankly, whatever serenity you might find with that route, it will be hollow and short lived.

Good luck.

 

[Wolfwood]

I'm a pretty accepting guy and if their faults are so grievous that I'm not sure if I can accept them, then chances are they must be pretty ****ed up. So no, I wouldn't marry them.

 

[Majic Walrus]

I meant to say what just about everyone else has said but I guess it didn't go through.

But seriously if you have any doubts about the marriage, don't do it.

 

[ChickenScratch]

No. Whatever bothers you, annoys you or just gets on your nerves now will only be amplified after you are married. You should accept your beloved for who she is, but understand that it's unreasonable to ask someone to change fundamentally who they are to fit your mold. Keep searching.

 

[Hobgoblin]

You should never go into anything basing your commitment on the fact that you want/expect them to change. Either you accept them as they are, including their "imperfections," or not. There are compromises that exist in all relationships, but you can't expect someone to change who they are.

^
This.

Dont try to change a person. First of all it wont work and second they will just resent you for it.

 

[E-Man]

People change, but you shouldn't want to make them change. You've got to let them evolve on their own. The key here is if marriage is a good idea for you in the first place. If you're talking about a personal belief system based on faith, then you really can't expect a change. If we're talking religion here, then a change is highly unlikely. If you can handle a long-term marriage with someone who doesn't share your beliefs, then you should be okay as long as y'all compromise.

If you can't, then marriage will only bring about problems. If you decide to have children, then how will you raise them when you have different beliefs? If you're a Muslim marrying a Christian, then all hell might break loose in regards to the children and family.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

In my view, it really depends on what those differences are.

For me, I'm a Liberal, but that doesn't mean that I couldn't be with / marry a Conservative.

Religiously, I'm very non-Christian, but that doesn't mean that I couldn't be with / marry a Christian.

But if those differences are like, she doesn't ever want to have kids, when I do? Then no, that's not someone I could marry.

 

[Bboy]

Wow... Great & interesting feedback. Definitely not something anyone should rush into.

I need to let you guys know that no one's suggesting to try and change anyone hey. If you read in my initial post, I ask:

"Do you marry them anyway, hoping they'll just change in time and that things work out?"

Not "Do you marry them and try to change them?"

I reckon the latter is unrealistic, selfish & not really up to anyone but the actual person willingly wanting to hey.

 

[Erzengel]

You are never going to find anyone who's 100% of what you are looking for. At best you are looking at 80% of what you want, and just hope you can accept the other 20%.

 

[Wylie Times]

You should never go into anything basing your commitment on the fact that you want/expect them to change. Either you accept them as they are, including their "imperfections," or not. There are compromises that exist in all relationships, but you can't expect someone to change who they are.

Exactly.

I think a big part of why a lot of marriages fail is because one person thinks the other is going to magically change once a ring is on their finger.

Everybody has their flaws and differences in opinions. You're never gonna find someone you get along and agree with ALL the time. I'd actually be suspicious if I met a woman that agreed with me on EVERYthing.

 

[Mr.Webs]

I have to agree with all of the above. If there is any doubt about this full time, all the time, for the REST of your time commitment, I'd say don't do it. Ideally, you would want to be married forever, and forever is a long time. Would you want to be with this person...forever?

 

[amazingfantasy15]

If you're with someone you can see yourself marrying, and there are things about them that you don't agree with, do you...

Marry them anyway, hoping they'll just change in time and that things work out?

OR

See that as a red flag and realize that you can't marry someone in faith, you gotta see fruit/evidence now?

Well, just say there are qualities, or habits, or beliefs/convictions about them that don't line up with yours.

I'm not talking about whether they wanna see a chick flick and you wanna see an action one. In life, we're obviously always going to be different and have different opinions/preferences.

I mean deeper stuff hey.

If we had some major differences in how we see the deeper stuff, then the thought of marrying them wouldn't even enter my mind because we not compatable on some deep and serious issues.

My girlfriend's ex proposed to her and she realized shortly afterward they didn't see eye to eye on some serious things, so called it off. Me and her though, I think are much more compatable, have much more similar goals, views and philosophies on life.

 

[Ahura Mazda]

If you're with someone you can see yourself marrying, and there are things about them that you don't agree with, do you...

Marry them anyway, hoping they'll just change in time and that things work out?

OR

See that as a red flag and realize that you can't marry someone in faith, you gotta see fruit/evidence now?

There are many things I do not agree with regarding my fiancée and I really doubt we will ever agree on them. The issue is the level of imprtance of these disagreements because I doubt there is any couple that are always in perfect harmony.

 

[Raiden]

Agreed on not forcing your significant other to change. My wife & I do have many differences, and it is hard to see eye-to-eye sometimes, but I accept her for who she is. Both of you will change eventually, but it should be a gradual process, and not forcibly by another person.

 

[BlackLantern]

Too many people think getting married will fix problems, and it usually doesn't work

 

[Wylie Times]

Too many people think getting married will fix problems, and it usually doesn't work

From what I've seen marriage would just make the problems in a relationship even worse.

 

[Raiden]

Too many people think getting married will fix problems, and it usually doesn't work

Yeah, you're right. My wife & I do have problems occasionally, but because I hate arguments I usually try to defuse the situation before it gets worse, even if that means I'll have to apologize first. I just don't like to get into a Cold War with my wife.