Who should be the new Doctor?
alexander armstrong
What did you have for dinner?
fish fingers and chips
Whats the last movie you saw?
cinema - mummy 3, dvd - iron man
What do you think of Dead Set then?
it's becoming too predictable
Do you own a car (what kind)?
A stitch in time saves nine what?
carrots
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
no
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in? --Steven Wright
boxes
Are female moths called myths?
no
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
they're part time band leaders
Are there a lot of virgins in the Virgin Islands?
you should know
Are there any unguided missiles?
yes
Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?
never seen one so don't know
Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?
yes
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
the future
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
no
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
no
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
no
Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
no
Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?
they alwayshave been
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
yes
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
they're saving time and under the bed
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
in his beard man...
Do blind dogs have seeing-eye humans?
no, they just bump into things
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
thats just stupid
Do boxer shorts box?
no
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
no
Do clowns wear really big socks?
no
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
no
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
always
Do fish get thirsty?
never
Do hummingbirds hum because they don't know the words?
yes
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
not really
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
adultery is better
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
no
Do mass murderers kill only in church?
no, only DURING mass
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
no
Do pilots take crash-courses?
only once
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
no
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
no
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
always have don
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
it's very hardto role steam but only steam rollers can do it
Do television evangelists do more than lay people? --Stanley Ralph Moss
no
Do vampires get AIDS?
no
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
probably not
Do witches run spell checkers?
no
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
you don't even need a gun
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
yes, yes i do
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? --Steven Wright
they didn;t need id then, america was still young and stupid...now it's in it's teens and ****y
Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
if it feels like it
Does an analyst have to be anal? --Adam Rifkin
no
Does killing time damage eternity?
ask a time lord
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
that one does but this one doesn;t
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
she clearly had shells
Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press? I don't get it. --Steven Wright
yes, i have noticed
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
i lack the brain power
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
i've seen a toadstool on a toad
Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
no
Have you ever wondered?
wondered what? who are you? are those my feet?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
with ease
How can there be self-help "groups"?
we're all part of a group
How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
bagpies don't need tuning
How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows?
cause that would be racist
How come I can pick my ears but not my nose?
it's your own falut for not having a nose
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
thats waht you think
How dead is the Dead Sea?
very
How did a fool and his money get together?
well it was late....they were drunk....
How did the man who invented cottage cheese know he was done?
he didn't
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
foot goes into it
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
lots of sharp objects and gun fire
How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
with a pully system
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
jump
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
word of mouth
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
you can see whatyou're writing
How do you throw away a garbage can?
you have to kill it with cheese
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
you don't
How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
listp
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
it doesn't, the vacume around the drink just allows for the tempreture to stay roughly constant for a long period of time
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
what people?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
walking
How is it possible to have a "civil" war?
ask marvel
How is it possible to run out of space?
if you'd spto eating it wewouldn;t have this problem
How long is the long arm of the law?
3ft 4
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
three
How many weeks are there in a light year?
light year is speed not time
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
nothing
How much milk is there in the Milky Way?
only 2 pints
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
4
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was? --Satchel Paige
probably late 80's
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
incase of a zombie outbreak
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
no, they cry
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
no
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
screws with your mind
If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? --Tom Robbins
4 days 11hours 8mintues...roughly
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
yes since it is also traveling at the speed of sound
If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer? --Steven Wright
doesn't need a gun
If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down?
or does it?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
do the math
If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
no, it's not ham
If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? --Steven Wright
no
If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
probably
If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?
the earth has no feeling
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
naked, it's home is different
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
lesbians
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
we never would
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? --Harry Shearer
no
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
to those morons who just have to have that new ipod for little kelly evne though she'sonly 4 and fatter than unlce john...
If all the world is a stage, where are the audience sitting?
space, you'll eat them soon enough
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
casue other things are called that
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
no...just no...
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
casue she's really jsut a cheap ****e working to get her next fix...
If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
stop it...
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? --Steven Wright
cause steven wright isn't funny
If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
no,we'd fear them
If corn can't hear, why does it have an ear?
so this question can be asked
If corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?
it's obviously pee
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
the man
If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? --Ashleigh Brilliant
the other whole
If flowers don't talk back to you, are they mums?
er...
If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show? --Steven Wright
cause it'sa cartoon
If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it? --George Carlin
yes, but then he'd die
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
no
If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
killed
If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
gout
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? --Steven Wright
no
If I save time, when do I get it back?
during sleep
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
cause jimmy wants to be loved
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
everyone likes to see sexy
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? --Dennis Miller
to laugh at
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
it's got 2 sides
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
yes
If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?
freaky
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
your sister
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
they got killed
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
always
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
the almight space lizard
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
cause he's ******ed
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
casue god made them that way
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
cause bono got #1
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
it's never at night
If the product says "Do not use if seal is broken", how are you supposed to open it and use it?
the irony
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? --Art Hoppe
static electricity and forward planning
If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
for thehell of it
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
just stop...
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
yes
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
it's a bribe
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
the antipasta would kill you so no
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
only if you were bored
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
to annoy you
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
neon pink
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
no
If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
no
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
no
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
no
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
no
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
yes
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
yes, just it was so bad it killed the rest of the boy scouts
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
yes
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
the earth would spin off axis and kill us all
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
noting
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
no
If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?
no
If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
yes, everything in sight
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
death
In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?
it's like stabbing you hand when doing diy, it's tradition, why change it
Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?
cause they didn;t havethem
Is "tired old cliché" one?
yes
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
yes
Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback?
yes
Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?
no
Is a small pig called a hamlet?
no
Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?
no
Is drilling for oil boring?
yes
Is duck tape made out of ducks?
no
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
yes
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
yes
Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
the latter
Is the nose the scenter of the face?
no
Is this ******** or fertilizer?
the formoer
Now that Microsoft is so big, should it be called Macrosoft?
no
Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood
yes
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
no
Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?
4 ft per second
