Alright, I know this is a day early, but I figured what the hell. I may not have time to post this tomorrow so here goes...
Jon Gruden: Well, here we are, Mike. The last Monday night game of the year. And what a year's it's been.
Mike Tirico: Right you are, Jon. This has been one season where nothing went as expected. Who would have predicted in the offseason that the AFC North would be the most competitive division in football, or that the Dallas Cowboys would turn out to be possibly the most complete team in the league?
Gruden: Damn straight, Mikey. It's like this game tonight. While most of us could have probably predicted that Denver and Cincinnati would be playoff contenders, nobody would have thought Peyton Manning would be struggling to throw touchdowns. But I wouldn't worry about that too much. This guy Peyton Manning, I call him Captain Hemorrhoid, because just when you think he's gone for good, he has a tendency to come right back around and bite you in the ass. And speaking of things that aren't going away anytime soon... I just signed a big contract extention here at Monday Night Football. Gonna be around until 2021, Mike. Hell, I'll stay here until 2121, if I live that long.
Tirico: You don't say.
Gruden: Yep! With the 20 or so coaches who are bound to be fired by the end of this season, a lot of people were speculating that I'd be returning to the sidelines, see. And I've even gotten a few calls about it already, though I won't mention any names. **cough**Jaguars, Dolphins, Jets**cough** But me, I call myself Shane because all these teams keep calling me to come back, but I just keep riding off into the sunset.
Tirico:(muttering) Slumping forward on your horse... slowly bleeding to death...
Gruden: Aww, Mikey, don't be like that! Look, I know we don't always get along, but just imagine who they might replace me with. Seriously, think about some potential candidates.
(Tirico lets his mind wander...)
Old Man Brandt: Uhhhh, well hey there, Mike. Pretty good game we got so, far huh? I'll tell ya... this guy they got playing quarterback for the Niners... he's pretty good. I didn't used to think he was that good but then I took a look at his stats the other day... and you know, he actually is pretty good. They're a pretty good team. And that guy coaching that team... ummm... yeah, the Niners... yeah, he's pretty good. Don't ya think he's pretty good? That guy there... I'm telling ya, he's good. Now uh... excuse me for a moment... time to move my bowels. See you in an hour or so.
Tirico: (shudders) No, no... that would never happen. They'd get someone better... Hmmm...
Tim Tebow: Well hi, Mike. I just want to say what an honor it is to be here with you on Monday Night Football. And I just want to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm so blessed to be here, as I take one step closer to accomplishing my dream of becoming an NFL quarterback. I can't wait to see this game tonight! Tom Brady has been at this a long time, and he's still one of the bestest quarterbacks in the league! It was an honor to lose to him in the playoffs a few years ago. I just don't understand why he throws so much. Why risk throwing the ball, when you could just take off and run on every single down?
Tirico: Okay, no. That's not going to happen either. They would never bring him in here. They'd get someone with real NFL experience.
Rex Ryan: HEY THERE MIKE! WHAT A GREAT F**KING DAY FOR FOOTBALL! I'll tell ya, the only thing that gets it up for me more than my wife's feet is some hard-hitting, bone-crushing, skullf**king football! And boy do we have a great game tonight! Cards and Steelers! Those are two defenses that can plow through ya like my manhood ripping into a barely legal hooker.
Tirico: You know, maybe you're not so bad, Jon.
Gruden: Toldya.
