A guy, a girl, and her gay friend

[Spider-Who?]

Is it justifable to be uncomfortable with your fiance sleeping in the same bed with another man, even if the man is gay?

She and this guy have been friends for years, and recently she has begun to periodically stay at his house for a few days (they had lost contact with each other for a while and have recently started hanging out again, so I assume they're trying to make up for lost time). It wasn't until recently that she mentioned they always sleep in the same bed when she stays there.

I know I can be paranoid, and jealous (something I work on and she is understanding with) and OBVIOUSLY I'm not worried that anything would "happen" during these sleepovers, but that fact that she is sharing a twin sized bed with another man (regardless of sexual orientation) bothers me, if only for sentimental-esque reasons. And then there's the paranoid part of me wondering, that since they're such close friends, and he's gay, does she feel its okay to cuddle while they sleep? get undressed/change in front of him? even sleep naked like she does with me? Again, yeah, nothing would happen, but its an intimacy that is for a couple alone, and in my eyes, inappropriate to be shared with any one else.

Thoughts?

 

[Fran]

Umm... are you serious?

I'd say "F*** no."

 

[Spider-Who?]

to her, or to me?

 

[AndThePickles]

Despite his sexual orientation, I can understand why you'd be uncomfortable. Maybe it would help if you fully examined WHY you're upset about it, and then you can go to her and talk about it.

For example, would you feel as uncomfortable if it was a close female friend she was sleeping with, and the girl was a lesbian? I'm curious if it really is just the fact that this guy is a male, and deep down you still feel like he'd try something.

 

[Showtime]

I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either, gay or not. So I would definately let your feelings be known.

 

[Fran]

Is it justifable to be uncomfortable with your fiance sleeping in the same bed with another man, even if the man is gay?

She and this guy have been friends for years, and recently she has begun to periodically stay at his house for a few days (they had lost contact with each other for a while and have recently started hanging out again, so I assume they're trying to make up for lost time). It wasn't until recently that she mentioned they always sleep in the same bed when she stays there.

I know I can be paranoid, and jealous (something I work on and she is understanding with) and OBVIOUSLY I'm not worried that anything would "happen" during these sleepovers, but that fact that she is sharing a twin sized bed with another man (regardless of sexual orientation) bothers me, if only for sentimental-esque reasons. And then there's the paranoid part of me wondering, that since they're such close friends, and he's gay, does she feel its okay to cuddle while they sleep? get undressed/change in front of him? even sleep naked like she does with me? Again, yeah, nothing would happen, but its an intimacy that is for a couple alone, and in my eyes, inappropriate to be shared with any one else.

Thoughts?

This part I was kinda laughing at, because I thought it wouldn't be true.

 

[Kritish]

Gay or not, a penis is a penis. I don't blame you.

 

[GoldenAgeHero]

dude, thats messed up. i'd tell her straight up to stop sleeping in the same bed with another(regardless of his sexual orientation). if it makes you uncomfortable she should respect your feelings and quit sleeping in another bedwith another man.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Despite his sexual orientation, I can understand why you'd be uncomfortable. Maybe it would help if you fully examined WHY you're upset about it, and then you can go to her and talk about it.

For example, would you feel as uncomfortable if it was a close female friend she was sleeping with, and the girl was a lesbian? I'm curious if it really is just the fact that this guy is a male, and deep down you still feel like he'd try something.

I've thought about it. Its simply because its another guy (regardless of orientation). And the only guy she should be sleeping in the same bed with is me. Thats our bag.

 

[Kritish]

I don't mean to be blunt but are you sure that he's gay? This sounds like the perfect cover up for an affair if you ask me.

 

[Telekinetic]

kinda of a will and grace situation but you should draw the line at some point.

 

[Fran]

I don't mean to be blunt but are you sure that he's gay? This sounds like the perfect cover up for an affair if you ask me.

This reminds me of a movie for some reason

 

[Leto Atrides]

If he is actually gay you shouldn't be worried, but they're really not showing any consideration for your feelings, especially her. Especially if she is staying at this guys place for extended periods, and you don't even know him. I'd say just talk to her and tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you could meet the guy, and she could limit her stays to a night or something. I mean, this is your fiance. She should at least let you get to know him before expecting you to trust to be gone with this guy for extended periods.

Also, it depends whether he has a big bed or not. If he has a queen sized bed or something it could be completely fine and platonic, but if they're sharing a full or something that's pretty strange.

 

[AndThePickles]

I've thought about it. Its simply because its another guy (regardless of orientation). And the only guy she should be sleeping in the same bed with is me. Thats our bag.

Ok, then talk to her about it. This is a situation that makes you VERY uncomfortable, and it sounds like a big enough issue that she should be willing to respect how you feel...This is a situation that can easily be resolved, there's no reason why she couldn't sleep on an air mattress or on the couch.

 

[Spider-Who?]

okay, so its seems everyone agrees that it isnt cool. so, how the hell do i bring it up without an agruement ensuing? SHe's heading over there tuesday, actually and wont be back till thursday. Should I do it before she leaves (we'd have to do it over the phone) or wait until thursday (so its face to face and she (hopefully) knows it isnt a simple jealousy thing)?

 

[Spider-Who?]

I don't mean to be blunt but are you sure that he's gay? This sounds like the perfect cover up for an affair if you ask me.

oh, no, he's deffinatly gay. no question.

 

[Kritish]

If he is actually gay you shouldn't be worried, but they're really not showing any consideration for your feelings, especially her. Especially if she is staying at this guys place for extended periods, and you don't even know him. I'd say just talk to her and tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you could meet the guy, and she could limit her stays to a night or something. I mean, this is your fiance. She should at least let you get to know him before expecting you to trust to be gone with this guy for extended periods.

Also, it depends whether he has a big bed or not. If he has a queen sized bed or something it could be completely fine and platonic, but if they're sharing a full or something that's pretty strange.

How the hell can he be sure that he's gay? Besides some very awkward situations...

 

[Kritish]

oh, no, he's deffinatly gay. no question.

You know this how?

 

[Fran]

You know this how?

 

[Spider-Who?]

If he is actually gay you shouldn't be worried, but they're really not showing any consideration for your feelings, especially her. Especially if she is staying at this guys place for extended periods, and you don't even know him. I'd say just talk to her and tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you could meet the guy, and she could limit her stays to a night or something. I mean, this is your fiance. She should at least let you get to know him before expecting you to trust to be gone with this guy for extended periods.

Also, it depends whether he has a big bed or not. If he has a queen sized bed or something it could be completely fine and platonic, but if they're sharing a full or something that's pretty strange.

its a twin sized bed.

I've met him twice. Once on his birthday, and I only spent an hour with him at dinner, the second time was only for like half a minute when I dropped her off at his house when they were going to NYC for a few days (he got to be a contestant on some game show and took her as a guest).

 

[Abaddon]

Spider-Who?: I'll miss hearing you snore this weekend.
Fiance: I don't snore.
Spider-Who?: You didn't know? I'm surprised >insert guy's name< hasn't mentioned it before.


and then go from there.

 

[Leto Atrides]

I don't mean to be blunt but are you sure that he's gay? This sounds like the perfect cover up for an affair if you ask me.

It's not even necessarily a cover. I know a few "gay" guys who are really bisexual and are perfectly happy to have sex with female friends, and they in turn love to because they don't feel threatened by the man. Granted, I and everyone I know, including gay guys I'm friends with, think this is scummy as hell and those guys are in the minority. However, it's not unheard of.

 

[Kritish]

its a twin sized bed.

I've met him twice. Once on his birthday, and I only spent an hour with him at dinner, the second time was only for like half a minute when I dropped her off at his house when they were going to NYC for a few days (he got to be a contestant on some game show and took her as a guest).

Sounds like you can't confirm his sexuality.

 

[Kritish]

It's not even necessarily a cover. I know a few "gay" guys who are really bisexual and are perfectly happy to have sex with female friends, and turn they in turn love to because they don't feel threatened by the man. Granted, I and everyone I know, including gay guys I'm friends with, think this is scummy as hell and those guys are in the minority. However, it's not unheard of.

Yep

 

[AndThePickles]

its a twin sized bed.

I've met him twice. Once on his birthday, and I only spent an hour with him at dinner, the second time was only for like half a minute when I dropped her off at his house when they were going to NYC for a few days (he got to be a contestant on some game show and took her as a guest).

Wow, then she should DEFINITELY understand why you'd be concerned, you don't even know this guy and she's sleeping in the same bed as him.