Stuck between a rock and a hard place......Need help

[Halloween]

So as some here know I have a 14 year old daughter, getting ready to start high school. This summer I have let her spend nights at friends houses quite a bit and go to two concerts without me. So she hasn't been home too much. Now I know parents go somewhat through their kids rooms looking for drugs and other things to see what their kids are up to.

I did look in her bag, that she left open on her bed, just to make sure there wasn't anything in there that there shouldn't be. Well, I found an empty bottle of Bombay Gin. It is a 50ml size. For those who drink, they know that is a very small bottle.

Now my dilema is this. Do I ask her questions about it? If she drank it or was it someone else's and did she just put it in her purse? When and where did she drink it if she did and who gave it to her? Or do I just realize it happened and keep a close eye on her future outings with friends?

Because obviously a trust barrier is going to be broken with me searching through her stuff. Remember though, her bag was open, on her bed and the bottle was almost visible without moving anything inside. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to be the "cool" parent and let things slide. Because if she is drinking this, it could obviously lead to more drinking and potential problems. Remember too, she is only 14.

Thanks for taking the time to read and suggestions would be helpful.

 

[CashforStash]

I'm 14, i'm a dude, and not once have I got in trouble, i'm clean, and I have never tried such things as drugs or beer. So yes, talk to her, and ask her why she has etc, I know lots of people who let their parents slide with it, dont do anything heavy though, you want her to trust you, and you want to trust her, so do something that isnt to the extreme.

 

[darkseid26]

walk around the house asking everyone, if they have seen your ottle of gin, she'll go on a guilt trip feel sorry and confess, then you can talk to her. just an idea hope it helps. good luck. i know my mom would get on my sisters butt if she found a gin bottle in her bag.

 

[Krypton Girl]

Sometimes it is important to lend your support instead of handing out discipline, although both sometimes can work too. Tell her to be careful and to be safe. If she is going to do it she will with or without your permission, and I'm not suggesting that you give it, but make sure she knows she can call you if she gets into trouble or ends up drinking around strangers and feels uncomfortable and that she won't be grounded for doing so, you know? Teenagers always get into really sticky situations because they end up afraid of how their parents react to their bad decision so they end up getting into worse trouble by avoiding the phone call to mom and dad asking for help.

 

[muertevilla]

im not a parent... but i know that when i have kids my rule is going to be: my house, my roof over your head.. you have no privacy. ask her about it. if she gets pissed then whatever, your a parent. and btw... maybe you shouldnt be starting threads about what you should do and just take action as a concerned parent. who cares what a bunch of nerds think anyway.

 

[Halloween]

im not a parent... but i know that when i have kids my rule is going to be: my house, my roof over your head.. you have no privacy. ask her about it. if she gets pissed then whatever, your a parent. and btw... maybe you shouldnt be starting threads about what you should do and just take action as a concerned parent. who cares what a bunch of nerds think anyway.[/quote]


Some people on this site are parents too. Not just kids. I know what I should do, but I just don't know if it's the right thing to do. First time this has happened.

 

[Asteroid-Man]

Take the bottle. Pretend like you know nothing about it but hint at it. And slowly pull away her privileges (no you can't go out) until she finally says something.

 

[muertevilla]

thats what im talking about. you're a parent. whatever you do is the right thing to do. people give their kids too much credit these days. if you find an empty bottle of booze in your kids purse then you do whatever you have to do to keep your kid safe.

 

[Twin2]

Buy a bottle of blue label and show her how it's done?

I'd say you'd need to confront her about this. Be firm, and try and keep a level head. I'd try and keep her away from that friend for a bit/no longer let her go out alone. Also it might be a good idea to inform her friends parents as well if that friend was involved in this.

 

[Halloween]

thats what im talking about. you're a parent. whatever you do is the right thing to do. people give their kids too much credit these days. if you find an empty bottle of booze in your kids purse then you do whatever you have to do to keep your kid safe.

Thanks. That is what I was planning on doing. Because if anything, she'll say, "Why are you going through my stuff? I cant trust you now." I'll just come back with, "Yeah and I thought I could trust you when you said you would never drink or smoke."

 

[Halloween]

Buy a bottle of blue label and show her how it's done?

I'd say you'd need to confront her about this. Be firm, and try and keep a level head. I'd try and keep her away from that friend for a bit/no longer let her go out alone. Also it might be a good idea to inform her friends parents as well if that friend was involved in this.

I always thought of doing that. If I found out she drank, I'll go buy the hard stuff and we'll just get smashed together and see how she feels the next day. We'll even see how much she remembers.

 

[Asteroid-Man]

Buy a bottle of blue label and show her how it's done?

I'd say you'd need to confront her about this. Be firm, and try and keep a level head. I'd try and keep her away from that friend for a bit/no longer let her go out alone. Also it might be a good idea to inform her friends parents as well if that friend was involved in this.

That's a jackass parent move.

 

[Twin2]

That's a jackass parent move.

It may be a jackass move to the kid, but it's also a jackass move to not inform their parents when they may be doing some drinking as well. Sometimes wellbeing comes before being awesome.

 

[Krypton Girl]

It may be a jackass move to the kid, but it's also a jackass move to not inform their parents when they may be doing some drinking as well. Sometimes wellbeing comes before being awesome.

But being someone your kids can talk to is also important, in my opinion. Regardless of what happens, I think it is really vital for children to know that they can call mom or dad and say "Oh crap I really messed up, come get me". I made a lot of mistakes as a teenager, but knowing that I could call mom and say, "I went somewhere you told me not to, I need you to come get me because it is a very bad situation" was more helpful than I can express.

 

[Halloween]

But being someone your kids can talk to is also important, in my opinion. Regardless of what happens, I think it is really vital for children to know that they can call mom or dad and say "Oh crap I really messed up, come get me". I made a lot of mistakes as a teenager, but knowing that I could call mom and say, "I went somewhere you told me not to, I need you to come get me because it is a very bad situation" was more helpful than I can express.

I told her that in the future, if she goes to parties and drinks, no matter what, she can always call me and I will go pick her up to get her home safe. It's one thing to be harsh on your kid about drinking and drugs and it's another thing to make sure you have trust amongst each other to prevent the teen from killing herself and/or someone when they are impaired behind the wheel and were too afraid to call home for a ride.

 

[Twin2]

But being someone your kids can talk to is also important, in my opinion. Regardless of what happens, I think it is really vital for children to know that they can call mom or dad and say "Oh crap I really messed up, come get me". I made a lot of mistakes as a teenager, but knowing that I could call mom and say, "I went somewhere you told me not to, I need you to come get me because it is a very bad situation" was more helpful than I can express.

True, but I think it's a good idea to at least let the parents know what's going on so they don't discover it when something bad happens if the kid doesn't talk to them.

 

[Krypton Girl]

I told her that in the future, if she goes to parties and drinks, no matter what, she can always call me and I will go pick her up to get her home safe. It's one thing to be harsh on your kid about drinking and drugs and it's another thing to make sure you have trust amongst each other to prevent the teen from killing herself and/or someone when they are impaired behind the wheel and were too afraid to call home for a ride.

Is she driving or is it her friends with the cars?

 

[Krypton Girl]

True, but I think it's a good idea to at least let the parents know what's going on so they don't discover it when something bad happens if the kid doesn't talk to them.

She's obviously afraid of telling her father. If the gin is in her purse, that means she doesn't want to throw it away in the house where her father might find it so she's holding onto it so she can find a safe place to dispose of it.

 

[jaguarr]

So as some here know I have a 14 year old daughter, getting ready to start high school. This summer I have let her spend nights at friends houses quite a bit and go to two concerts without me. So she hasn't been home too much. Now I know parents go somewhat through their kids rooms looking for drugs and other things to see what their kids are up to.

I did look in her bag, that she left open on her bed, just to make sure there wasn't anything in there that there shouldn't be. Well, I found an empty bottle of Bombay Gin. It is a 50ml size. For those who drink, they know that is a very small bottle.

Now my dilema is this. Do I ask her questions about it? If she drank it or was it someone else's and did she just put it in her purse? When and where did she drink it if she did and who gave it to her? Or do I just realize it happened and keep a close eye on her future outings with friends?

Because obviously a trust barrier is going to be broken with me searching through her stuff. Remember though, her bag was open, on her bed and the bottle was almost visible without moving anything inside. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to be the "cool" parent and let things slide. Because if she is drinking this, it could obviously lead to more drinking and potential problems. Remember too, she is only 14.

Thanks for taking the time to read and suggestions would be helpful.

I've got quite a few years ahead of me before I have to start dealing with these kinds of things with my son, but I already know how I'm going to handle it; pretty much the same way my own folks did with me. Kids are going to start experimenting with alcohol (and sometimes other substances) right around your daughter's age. No matter what rules you put down forbidding it, they are going to do it. Period. What you have to ask yourself is do you want her doing it behind your back, never quite knowing where she is or what she's up to or would you at least like to be clued in so you at least know where she is, who's she's with and what she's doing the majority of the time? And do you want to have some input to teach her moderation, responsibility and safety with this sort of stuff, or do you want her running unchecked and just rebelling against ALL of daddy's rules? Her backpack was open with the bottle in plain sight, so it's not like you went through her stuff looking for it as far as she knows. You took something into her room that she left in the kitchen and saw it sitting right there. Besides, it's your house so you're entitled to know if she's bringing those sorts of things in. However, this does set the stage for you to lay down some ground rules about drinking. My own folks did basically the same thing and told me that they knew I was going to do it and all they wanted me to do was be safe and sane about it. They taught me to NEVER drive when I had been drinking and to NEVER get into a car with someone who had. If I was going to go out with friends when I was that age and be drinking, then I needed to make arrangements to stay where I was at or they would come and get me so I didn't have to drive or get a ride with someone who had. They also taught me to never drink to the point of losing control of my faculties (i.e. getting blackout drunk) and to always try and at least keep it to a point where I wasn't passing out and such. There were a few times I resented them insisting I came home and they'd come to get me on those occasions, but for the most part I respected these rules and was always good about checking in and letting them know where I was and who I was with as a result. My friends and I even adopted a designated driver approach to things long before it was the thing to do as a result. My dad made it VERY clear though, that if I got arrested then I better use my one phone call to order a pizza because he'd leave me in the tank for the night. He also made it VERY clear that if he caught me trying any drugs other than booze, he'd either tan my hide or turn me into the cops himself. He was also very clear about why he felt that way about drugs and the dangers of addiction, etc.; my folks were usually pretty good at explaining their reasoning behind things rather than just employing the "because I said so" ideology. I plan to handle my own son the exact same way. It builds trust and communication and lets you keep better track of what they are doing, where they are doing it and who they are doing it with. All good things to know, especially in this day and age. Good luck with your daughter.

jag

 

[Halloween]

I will tell my kids' friends parents about this if her friend was drinking with her/got it for her, etc. Because what if one day this friend of my daughters gets into trouble for drinking and something bad happens and I knew all along that she possibly was drinking for a while and never let that parent know that her child has a potential and dangerous problem. Parents need to help each other to keep kids safe. Our job is not to be cool. It is to teach and guide them to make the right decisions in life, among other things obviously.

 

[Halloween]

Is she driving or is it her friends with the cars?

She does not drive. She is 14. Her friends though are close to driving. I'm just referencing that to the future. She doesn't go to parties as of now. But she will in the future as we all did.

 

[Twin2]

She's obviously afraid of telling her father. If the gin is in her purse, that means she doesn't want to throw it away in the house where her father might find it so she's holding onto it so she can find a safe place to dispose of it.

I'm talking about telling the friends parents. If something like this is going on they might not know what their daughter is doing.

 

[Knightsaber Priss]

So as some here know I have a 14 year old daughter, getting ready to start high school. This summer I have let her spend nights at friends houses quite a bit and go to two concerts without me. So she hasn't been home too much. Now I know parents go somewhat through their kids rooms looking for drugs and other things to see what their kids are up to.

I did look in her bag, that she left open on her bed, just to make sure there wasn't anything in there that there shouldn't be. Well, I found an empty bottle of Bombay Gin. It is a 50ml size. For those who drink, they know that is a very small bottle.

Now my dilema is this. Do I ask her questions about it? If she drank it or was it someone else's and did she just put it in her purse? When and where did she drink it if she did and who gave it to her? Or do I just realize it happened and keep a close eye on her future outings with friends?

Because obviously a trust barrier is going to be broken with me searching through her stuff. Remember though, her bag was open, on her bed and the bottle was almost visible without moving anything inside. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to be the "cool" parent and let things slide. Because if she is drinking this, it could obviously lead to more drinking and potential problems. Remember too, she is only 14.

Thanks for taking the time to read and suggestions would be helpful.

I think it's time you started talking to your daughter in a frank, concerned, honest way. Mention things about knowing all about experimenting with adult substances and such. The sticky part is making yourself not sound like you're trying to attack her. She may be trying to experiment with adult things based on peer pressure to "be a grown up" and it could lead to something more dangerous. I would mention things like this. I'd advise her to talk with groups that specialize in alcohol and substance addictions if she wants to learn herself the consequences of her actions. Tell her the brutal truth of addiction to alcohol and drugs is a hard lesson you want her not to learn. She should be enjoying her life at this point in time, not going down a road that will most likely ruin it. I suggest reining in a little bit of her freedoms and actually start taking her to these friends to see what environment your daughter is staying at. Use that gut feeling in the pit of your stomach when assessing friends. She might not like your asserting some parental control, but let her know your job as a responsible parent is not to be a friend like she'd define a friend but to be a responsible role model for her and her protector as a father. Show her alot of love when you say these sorts of things to her.

I myself have a niece who is going into Middle School so she's about your daughter's age. So I know how anxious and apprehensive you must be. I've seen first hand what alcohol addiction can do, and it's not pretty. My own sister, who is the mother of my niece, has alcohol issues and she's starting to get very obnoxious. I don't think you want your daughter to head down this road. You have to show her emotionally that you have her best interests at heart. If your daughter takes issue, you tell her she can talk to me about it. I've seen how badly addiction can destroy family unity. I'm a pretty straight talker and I will tell her the reality of the road she's walking down.

 

[Halloween]

I have opened up my past life to her about my drinking and smoking weed days. I told her I've drank and smoked at concerts, dropped acid at concerts, got wasted at parties, etc. All of this though I was 17, 18, and up. Never at 14. So I dont know if telling her of the things I have done in the past has intrigued her to try it, or if its just friends saying, hey, its cool, drink/smoke this. She'll probably come off as saying it was just a little drink, no big deal. But I want her to understand that little drinks turn into bigger drinks, bigger buzzes and eventually, making decisions not having a clear mind and that is where problems are created. I have told her that if she ever drinks or smokes, I want her to tell me about it and I would listen to her and we'll deal with it accordingly. Unfortunately, the couple things I have found out that she has done, it's because I caught her with the evidence or found out that she did it. She never just openly said, hey dad, I did this and that.

 

[Halloween]

and obviously all these can cause health problems too.