An excerpt from my new fanfic

HoboJoe

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Since the boys at the GPA are banning anyone and everyone who's opinion differs from theirs and insult anyone they deem as "stupid" I thought I'd return to these boards where their is some civility between fellow Punisher fans. Anyways, here goes, any critisism is appreciated;

"All that is necessary for the triumpth of evil is for good men to do nothing." What if you aren't a good man? What if you're heart is as black and dark as the killers you hunt? These are the questions that occasionally pop up in my head from time to time. My answer; You have to have a heart in the first place for it to be dark, and mine died with my family.
My name is Frank Castle, I'm known as the Punisher, my family has been dead for nearly 37 years, I am 65 as of today.
I have spent the last three and a half decades killing, torturing, punishing, a war that has never ended.
For me to maintain this war It requires extensive physical training on a day-to-day basis, as well as routine massaging and physical therapy. I have torn ligaments in my right knee, a piece of shrapnel in my left from two years ago, not being able to get out of the way of a car bomb fast enough. I have been shot over 27 times in non-vital areas and five times in areas that have been near-fatal. I can still bench press over 325 pounds, although It is getting harder by the day it seems. I can almost maintain a full SEAL workout routine, minus all the roadwork. I have spent the past 3 months in recoup tending to a severely wounded shoulder, that is healing up with a few problems, nothing I can't handle (I tell myself). I have recently developed arthritis in my neck and TMJ in my jaw from excessive concussive force to those areas.
As far as hand-to-hand training goes, I have upped my routine in recent years. Realizing I am only getting older I have started studying heavily in Krav Maga, Aikido, and Tai Chi, each with their own advantages on teaching how to conserve and fight with varying energy. My skills with the guns are always deadly accurate, luckily my eyesight is still perfect and working with all forms of weaponry in this near-four-decade war has made using weapons as easy as breathing.

I thought that my skill, experiance, and sheer will towards preparation with all my training would be enough for what was ahead of me. What the enemy was waiting this whole time to do, waiting for me to get old, for me to loose just that half-step, because I always knew it deep down that I could not keep this war up forever...didn't I?


So theres a part from it, If anyone is interested I'll keep working on it and posting excerpts. Thanks guys!
 
What's it supposed to be, in your ideal world? A comic, a movie, or a book?

I like a lot of it, but I think it might be too long. There's parts where you go into detail with how many times he's been shot, some of his daily routine, etc that's pretty cool, but I think it gets a bit excessive. If you could compact it into being half as long, then I think it'd be a lot more powerful and to the point. In my opinion!
 
Yeah, you gotta try and edit that thing down. Keep it short, simple, and to the point.

As for the Gay Pride Association, the guys who run that forum have nothing else to look forward to in their lives besides coming home to their computers where they can pick fights with people online that they would never pick in person. They'll achieve nothing in their futures and they know it, so don't worry about what a bunch of nobodies have to say.
 
Thanks, I can appreciate the points about editing it down. However, I'm not looking to make it like a short story, but, as Stephen King said in his book "On Writing", you have to try to get your point across in the most straightforward fashion. Avoid being repetitive, etc. Unfortunatly that happens to many writers. That's why I like to post it online for all kinds of people to look at it.

That said, here is another rough excerpt I just wrote for it, again I will go over everything and work on edits and try to refine myself towards Frank Castle's style. I hope you guys enjoy a little bit:

October 28th 2015

My son Frank Jr. loved Halloween. The last Halloween we spent together
he dressed as a skeleton. I don't know why, maybe the morbid
destruction of my humanity, or maybe because it simply was the last
Halloween I saw him. But I always think of that around this time of the
year.
"Ever the poet, ever the philosopher, aren't you sweetie?" thats what
my mother used to say to me...I'd agree silently.

Today, other then the unusual nostalgic experience and thoughts
described above, was the same as the past days three months prior. The
only difference is I was walking the streets again, getting lines out.
Getting the scum to drop the dimes on each other. Today, I'm back, and
healthy, and hungry for my war to continue.

It's fairly obvious that a man who looks like me, gray, built, and
that look...the look that killers recognize when they look into the eye
of other killers, wouldn't blend in at all with most circles of scum.
This time though I'm prepping myself to go undercover as a hitman,
Johnny Tower.
My picture in the FBI, and the general media's files hasn't been
updated in a decade. I haven't changed much, but I have grown a beard,
and my hair has turned to a graying-white. It shows obvious signs of my
age, but it helps keep my identity under the radar. Until I want to
show my hand anyways, and my shirt. It also helps for the Johnny Tower
persona...
 
Thanks, I can appreciate the points about editing it down. However, I'm not looking to make it like a short story, but, as Stephen King said in his book "On Writing", you have to try to get your point across in the most straightforward fashion. Avoid being repetitive, etc. Unfortunatly that happens to many writers. That's why I like to post it online for all kinds of people to look at it.

That said, here is another rough excerpt I just wrote for it, again I will go over everything and work on edits and try to refine myself towards Frank Castle's style. I hope you guys enjoy a little bit:

October 28th 2015

My son Frank Jr. loved Halloween. The last Halloween we spent together
he dressed as a skeleton. I don't know why, maybe the morbid
destruction of my humanity, or maybe because it simply was the last
Halloween I saw him. But I always think of that around this time of the
year.
"Ever the poet, ever the philosopher, aren't you sweetie?" thats what
my mother used to say to me...I'd agree silently.

Today, other then the unusual nostalgic experience and thoughts
described above, was the same as the past days three months prior. The
only difference is I was walking the streets again, getting lines out.
Getting the scum to drop the dimes on each other. Today, I'm back, and
healthy, and hungry for my war to continue.

It's fairly obvious that a man who looks like me, gray, built, and
that look...the look that killers recognize when they look into the eye
of other killers, wouldn't blend in at all with most circles of scum.
This time though I'm prepping myself to go undercover as a hitman,
Johnny Tower.
My picture in the FBI, and the general media's files hasn't been
updated in a decade. I haven't changed much, but I have grown a beard,
and my hair has turned to a graying-white. It shows obvious signs of my
age, but it helps keep my identity under the radar. Until I want to
show my hand anyways, and my shirt. It also helps for the Johnny Tower
persona...

That's better than the previous excerpt you posted. The first one you go into little details on every single thing about his appearance and I personally don't care for that. I wanna read things about the character, not about what he looks like. Those are the kind of things you can keep short, so you can go straight into the good stuff.
 
Thanks. I know I need to work on my stuff a little more, but these are all first drafts anyways. The initial idea was for the story to read like a Journal, hence the over-descriptiveness, but now I'm opting for a story with journal excerpts. I'm re-working everything right now, also got a few other stories I'm working on too, don't know if you would be interested or not.

One is called Stubbes Peeter: A Red Riding Hood Tale, its about a real 15th century serial killer who was prosecuted as a werewolf and burned at the stake. PM me if you're interested in hearing more, or just helping me with feedback etc.
 

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