Once again, I provide you all with fortnightly reviews that are long enough to test the Hype's post character limit.
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: SEASON 8 #20
Tonight's episode of Buffy features music from Third Eye Blind and Robyn.
This issue breaks up some of the drama we've been having lately by telling a one-part filler story. After a hard day of slaying, Buffy goes back to base and crawls into bed for what she hopes to be an uninterrupted sleep. However, Xander walks into the room to try to tell her that she's actually in his bed. It's too late, though. Buffy closes her eyes and dreams a little dream. Buffy's dream sequence brings in a new set of artists, who draw Buffy in the style of the unaired Buffy the Vampire Slayer animated series Mutant Enemy tried (but sadly failed) to make a few years back.
In the dream, Buffy wakes up to the sound of her mom telling her that she's going to be late for school. Buffy can't believe it, of course, because her mom died a few years ago. But sure enough, Buffy is 15 again, and back in her mother's house. In an interesting twist, her little sister Dawn is there. Some might wonder why, as Dawn is really a magical construct that wasn't created until season 5, and this whole thing takes place during season 1. Of course, this is all just a dream for Buffy, and her memories include everything as far back as Dawn's birth, so of course she remembers Dawn being there at the time.
Anyway, Buffy, with full memory of her life up to season 8, goes to school and wonders if there's some sort of demon or sorcerer that's forcing her to relive this year. Still, she decides to go along with it when she runs into classic "Trying to be Cool but Failing" Xander and "Closeted Gay who Talks Like a Church Mouse" Willow. Cordelia is also there, but all she does is her classic "I'm giving Willow fashion tips for her own good, but being a total b**** about it" routine. There's also Principal Quark-- I mean Snyder, and he's always fun. That night, Giles sends the Scoobies on a mission to track down a vampire cult that worships a dragon named Morgala. Buffy finds their lair and slays all three of them while Xander gives a humorous play-by-play. The Scoobies then go to their respective homes and shower, because Cordy is throwing a party that night. Buffy has a moment to remember what it's like to have her mom around, then ventures off into the night. On her way to the party, she runs into pre-sex Angel, who congratulates her on dusting the five followers of Morgala. There's a bit of that classic sexual tension they've always had, then Buffy departs for the party. Of course, on the way to the party, Buffy suddenly remembers that Angel said there were five vampires, but she only remembers slaying three. Buffy heads back to the vampire lair and dusts the remaining two vampires, but not before one of them puts a huge ass red crystal into a sculpture on the wall and awakens the dragon Morgala. Buffy rides the flying dragon for a while, accidentally drops her shoe on Cordy when the fly over the party, and finally manages to un-summon the dragon by knocking the big ass red crystal off of its head. And the day is saved. Hooray! Then Buffy wakes up to find that it was all a normal dream. Not only that, but she has more work to do, as a slayer's work is never done. Then end.
This issue was a fun little tribute to the show's first season, and (as I've said before) a quick filler between arcs. There was nothing of consequence here, but there was also nothing bad. Skippable, but fun to read anyway.
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UNCANNY X-MEN #505
Oh. This looks like it's going to be fun.
It looks like Fraction is going to spend the next few issues balancing quite a few different storylines, some of which are just getting started or are continuing from #504. One of the first storylines we're shown is the aftermath of Messiah CompleX. Remember that small town in Alaska where the baby was born? Remember how the Purifiers torched it to the ground? Well, somebody had home video footage, and it just hit the news. A news pundit named Simon Trask, no doubt related to everyone's favorite sentinel creator, is using the footage to spread fear across the country. Never mind that it was humans who burned down the town in an effort to find the baby-- Trask is pointing out that a single mutant birth caused all of this damage, and says that the birth of future mutants could mean disaster for all of humankind. We later learn that several states are even trying to introduce legislature to regulate mutant breeding. Needless to say, this can't be good. However, when the X-Men hear about this news and tell the madam Mayor of San Francisco (by the way, the real life mayor is a white dude named Newsom, so seeing an Asian woman in the MU is always jarring for me) that they're willing to leave the bay area, but says "Like hell" and tells the X-Men that mutants are welcome to stay in her city and have all the babies they want. Yeah!
Meanwhile, in a seedy bar somewhere in the city, Colossus is having a drink not too far from an old man he recognizes as the mobster who killed his father. Peter remembers how, back when he was in his early teens, that crazy tattooed mobster came to his farm and threatened money out of Old Man Rasputin in exchange for keeping Peter's mutant powers a secret. The Tattooed Man (my name for him, not the official one) apparently is a mutant himself, with some kind of power that involves his tattoos. When Peter snaps out of his flashback, the Tattooed Man notices Peter and makes a few snappy remarks about him. When Peter responds, the Tattooed Man realizes that Peter is also Russian, and has the accent of a Siberian farmer. When Peter refuses to be imtimidated by the Tattooed Man, he sends his goons to attack him, who are quickly dispatched by Peter--without having to transform. The Tattooed Man assumes Peter is looking for a job, and offers him a position working for whatever Russian mafia outfit he's in. Peter remember's Cyclops' words from last issue (about Scott not caring who Peter has to hit or what he has to do to pull himself out of his funk), and decides to take the job.
We also see that Pixie (Megan), Armor (Hisako), and X-23 (Laura) are now rooming together, albeit temporarily. Hisako mentions that soon enough, all of the kids living in the bunkers beneath Graymalkin Industries/the X-Center are going to be moved into regular homes in San Francisco with some of the adult X-Men. A few notes about this brief scene:
-It's good to see the Dodsons draw Pixie like an actual teenager, and not a porno star. However, Terry Dodson (like Greg Land) apparently forgot that Pixie is supposed to have black streaks in her hair, as only the colorist makes the effort to put them in. You can tell Dodson and Land don't know about the black streaks, because no one single part of Pixie's hair is ever penciled and inked darkly (like characters with black hair often are).
-It's nice to see Armor written somewhere besides Astonishing X-Men. For a second there, I was beginning to wonder if Ellis planned to kill her off, since no other writer ever seems to acknowledge her. Both Pixie and Armor are sharing "the New Kitty Pryde" status, but Armor's not getting nearly as much face time.
-Pixie has butterfly wings again instead of bee/fly wings, but they're far too small.
Anyway, Megan notices Laura wiping blood out of her hair. She takes the bloody towel to Emma Frost (who, now that she's no longer a teacher, insists on being called Emma instead of Ms. Frost), which sets off Emma's suspicions. Remember, Cyclops has been keeping X-Force a secret from Emma, and Emma's recent journey into Scott's mind showed that he's keeping secrets even from her. Well, Emma has noticed that Logan, Warren, Laura, and James have been going out on secret missions, but when she confronts Scott about it, he keeps her at a distance. Emma huffs and leaves the room angrily, bumping into Storm on the way out. Storm catches up to Emma in the Cerebra Room, and they get to talking. Emma is starting to feel like Scott is treating her like she's just some girlfriend of his, rather than his partner both in bed AND as leader of the X-Men. Storm tells her to nut up (or egg up, I suppose) and start acting like a real leader. Emma's role as a leader was cemented just fine back when she was the head of a school, but ever since the X-Men became Graymalkin Industries, she's just sorta sat back and let Scott do all the work while she claims to be co-head of the company. Storm suggests Emma try doing something in the best interests of the X-Men instead of just herself, and hope that by doing so her's and Cyclops' paths will intertwine, and they can work together again as equals. When Storm leaves the room, Emma gets on the phone with someone, which is an implication that Emma is going to join the Dark Illuminatti during Marvel's Dark Reign story. For the good of all mutants, of course.
Our final story (and I'll keep this brief, since this review is already twice as long as I intended) is Warren and Hank's ongoing quest to assemble some of the greatest "thinking outside of the box" genius in the world. Having already recruited obscure Golden Age hero Dr. Nemesis, they head to Canada to recruit a scientist named Madison Jeffries, who the Marvel Wiki Database shows to be Box from Alpha Flight.
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X-FACTOR #38
Jamie Madrox in: No Time For Superhero Fight Scenes
ARRRRGGGG! My eyes! My wonderful eyes! Larry Stroman returns in this issue, but only for the first four pages. After that, a new artist comes in to substitute for DeLandro. He's nowhere near as good as DeLandro, and I get the distinct impression the editors put Stroman on the first few pages on purpose, so we wouldn't complain about the sub being worse than DeLandro.
Anyway, X-Factor Investigations is on their way to rescue Darwin, when the bad guy (whose name we'll apparently never learn) sics an army of soldiers on the team. The twist? The soldiers all have Darwin's DNA spliced into them, giving them Darwin's power to adapt to whatever is thrown at him. X-Factor gets to fighting, but Jamie has other plans. Rather than join in on the climactic fight scene, Jamie creates a few dupes to battle it out while he heads straight for the man in charge. Jamie quickly realizes the bad guy isn't some maniacal supervillain, but a businessman. Jamie points out that X-Factor is also a business, and that they have no intention of taking him to prison or anything. Jamie and the bad guy agree to part ways, and never cross paths again. Jamie then rescues Darwin. Meanwhile, all of the soldiers with Darwin's DNA are (predictably) falling to pieces. Their bodies can't handle Darwin's powers being artificially implanted, and they all turn into puddles of fleshy liquid. All's well that ends well.
Meanwhile, at X-Factor's house, Terry is in labor, and Val Cooper isn't finished propositioning Terry regarding the baby. Rictor decides to be the suicidal hero, and distract Val's goon squad by shooting at them while Terry uses her sonic powers to fly away to find her midwives and deliver the baby in peace. When Rictor and the government dudes open fire on each other, Theresa realizes she's not going to celebrate her son's birthday and mourn Rictor at the same time, and uses her wacky sonic powers to block a series and bullets. Everyone stops firing, but not before they notice a stray bullet has hit Val Cooper in the chest. With no time to lose, Terry grabs Val and flies straight to the hospital. Will Val survive? What will become of the Baby Madrox? When the hell is Layla coming back? I suppose we'll have the answers to all but one of those questions next month.
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X-MEN LEGACY #219
You go to hell, Mike Carey!
About five years ago, Charles Xavier and Juggernaut finally sat down and talked. Soon after Juggernaut joined the X-Men, then later Excalibur. When the Hulk came to Earth and threatened Charles' life, Juggernaut traveled half-way across the planet to protect him. Juggernaut was, for all intents and purposes, a good guy. He reformed. And quite frankly, I liked the change.
However, in a recent interview, Mike Carey said he liked Juggernaut better when he was a villain. In this issue of X-Men Legacy, Mike Carey undid half a decade worth of redemption and characterization, and turned Juggernaut into an unapologetic villain again. How? By having Juggernaut say that he doesn't care about anything other than himself, and that the time he spent as an X-man meant nothing to him. Also, he wants to kill Charles again for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Now, I know a lot of you, like Carey, liked Juggernaut better as a villain. However, let me pose a question to all of you: Why does Juggernaut hate Professor X? Explain to me why he wants to kill him. Go on. I'll wait. Was it because Cain's dad loved Charles more? Nope. Even if Juggernaut was that petty, it was established back when Juggernaut joined the X-Men that Kurt Marko abused Charles just as badly, and that he was a crappy parent all around. Was it because Charles let Cain get caught in that cave-in back in Korea? Nope. Even Mike Carey establishes that Cain doesn't think Charles had anything to do with it, and that he went into that cave and became the Juggernaut because it was his own choice. So riddle me this, fans of villain-Juggernaut: Why, all those years ago, did Juggernaut march to Charles' mansion and attack the X-Men for the first time?
No reason. Juggernaut is a badly established villain. He has no motivation. He's just an overpowered bully. Redeeming himself and becoming an X-man was the most worthwhile thing any writer had done with him in decades, and all that just got reversed for no reason. Even the logic in this issue was circular and meant absolutely nothing. Because of this, I am officially dropping X-Men Legacy. Good day, Mr. Carey.
REVIEWS STILL TO COME:
X-Men Kingbreaker #1
Angel After the Fall #15
Thor God-Size
t: 
Nevermind.
