Elijya
Avenger
- Joined
- Aug 16, 2003
- Messages
- 38,215
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Over the past few years, the CAP Alert website has brought me volumes of entertainment. For those of you not familiar with it, CAP Alert (which stands for Childcare Action Program) is a Christian website that evaluates movies based on what the bible says is bad. Now, in theory, thats not such a bad idea, but the humor comes in with the absolutely delusional fundamentalism of the man who runs the site (who is also a vicious anti-gay activist, on the side). You cannot help but laugh as he insists over and over again about the supposed scientific validity of his completely bull**** system.
You cant help but crack up when someone considers the fact that the hate mail has slowed to a trickle as a major victory.
But now, oh no, it seems the website is in trouble! Seems the author relies on donations to keep the funds going, and for some reason, people just arent opening their pockets to his miracle system like they used to anymore. And so, unfortunately new movies are not reviewed unless someone pays to fund the review of something specific.
How much does it take to do a review? Why, site owner Tom Carder will do a certified (by himself) Christian review of the film of your choice for a mere $350! What a bargain! Now, you may be skeptical and may ask Are you ****ing nuts, Tom? You go to the movies and count the number of times someone says ****! Movie ticket is $10, $20 with popcorn and a drink. Oh, but the process is so much more involved. Read how the complicated test Tom invented is worth your $350 http://www.capalert.com/whatdoesittake.htm
So now you see how your money is justified. For a mere $350, Tom will count every punch, every curse word, every nipple, every buttcrack, every lie about evolution, every magic spell, and every dirty slimy homosexual FOR YOU, so you can make the choice of slapping down $10 to go see it yourself a little easier.
Although, personally I dont think Tom is strict enough, since he doesnt call the costuming department of every film to see if people wore mixed fibers on set.
Frankly, I CHEER every time he gives a film a zero. Thus far, only 4 movies have been badass enough to earn this ranking: Freddy vs Jason, Scary Movie, American Psycho, and Sin City (who would have thought? )
Heres the full list of reviews if you feel like a good laugh
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm
You cant help but crack up when someone considers the fact that the hate mail has slowed to a trickle as a major victory.
But now, oh no, it seems the website is in trouble! Seems the author relies on donations to keep the funds going, and for some reason, people just arent opening their pockets to his miracle system like they used to anymore. And so, unfortunately new movies are not reviewed unless someone pays to fund the review of something specific.
How much does it take to do a review? Why, site owner Tom Carder will do a certified (by himself) Christian review of the film of your choice for a mere $350! What a bargain! Now, you may be skeptical and may ask Are you ****ing nuts, Tom? You go to the movies and count the number of times someone says ****! Movie ticket is $10, $20 with popcorn and a drink. Oh, but the process is so much more involved. Read how the complicated test Tom invented is worth your $350 http://www.capalert.com/whatdoesittake.htm
So now you see how your money is justified. For a mere $350, Tom will count every punch, every curse word, every nipple, every buttcrack, every lie about evolution, every magic spell, and every dirty slimy homosexual FOR YOU, so you can make the choice of slapping down $10 to go see it yourself a little easier.
Although, personally I dont think Tom is strict enough, since he doesnt call the costuming department of every film to see if people wore mixed fibers on set.
Frankly, I CHEER every time he gives a film a zero. Thus far, only 4 movies have been badass enough to earn this ranking: Freddy vs Jason, Scary Movie, American Psycho, and Sin City (who would have thought?
)Heres the full list of reviews if you feel like a good laugh
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm
