CAP Alert

Discussion in 'Misc. Films' started by Elijya, Jan 7, 2006.

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CrimsonMist Registered

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The Question said:

Wow. I really need to see Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. Sounds fun. Oh, and have you ever read battle pope? It's a comic set in a post apokoliptik world where the Pope is a gun toting sword weilding superhero, and Jesus is his hippy stoner side kick.
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hahahaha, no, ive never read that. I have to check that out now though. Sounds great.

and yes, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter is funny. Very low budget, but timeless nonetheless

#26 CrimsonMist, Jan 8, 2006
The Question Objectivism doesn't work.

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I'll try and check it out. Also, have you seen Jesus Christ: Super Cop? It's Jesus as a homicide detective with an atitude. It's an online thing.

Also, Battle Pope is written by Robert Kirkman, creator of Invincible and Walking Dead, and current writer of Marvel Team Up.

#27 The Question, Jan 8, 2006
Elijya Registered

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yup, damn good books, all.

#28 Elijya, Jan 8, 2006
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The Question said:

I'll try and check it out. Also, have you seen Jesus Christ: Super Cop? It's Jesus as a homicide detective with an atitude. It's an online thing.
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Got a link?

What homosexuals REALY do!**WARNING**Contents may be extremely stupid.

#29 The Hero, Feb 4, 2006
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Elijya...you may want to turn your head for this one.

#30 The Hero, Feb 15, 2006
terry78 We'll be right back

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^ Baby thrown down rocky hill? That is quite possibly the funniest phrase I have read all day.

#31 terry78, Feb 15, 2006
raybia Signing off

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Golgo13:The Hitman said:

What a pathetic thread; By an even more pathetic individual.
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Man, you just insulted a Global mod. Not very bright!

#32 raybia, Feb 15, 2006
Darthphere Kneel before 'Drox!

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He wasnt a mod back then, but hes definitely on "the list"

#33 Darthphere, Feb 15, 2006
raybia Signing off

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Darthphere said:

He wasnt a mod back then, but hes definitely on "the list"
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Guess its wise to be careful of who you insult on the SHH eh? Never know who may become a mod.

By the way Darth. You seem like a cool guy!

#34 raybia, Feb 15, 2006
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http://www.capalert.com/capreports/8mm.htm

The 8MM review rocks!

#35 reggiebar, Feb 15, 2006
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SOme of the reviews of the films that this cat can't even get through, because he had to leave the theater are too funny. This topic is one of my favorite link topics in a long time.

Check out these gems...

200 Cigarettes
Bad Santa
Belly
The Birdcage
Jacka: The Movie (one his best rants ever)

#36 reggiebar, Feb 15, 2006
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Hah, thanks for reminding me of that Elijya. I too have enjoyed it over the years but I forget to check back.

#37 Wilhelm-Scream, Feb 15, 2006
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I am a hard and severe man and can break three sandwiched boards with a single forward punch...but I could not stomach this movie
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Is there some sort of female fanbase he's trying to appeal to,or does he just want to look like a badass in front of his internet friends?

#38 The Hero, Feb 15, 2006
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His review ofBowling for Columbine is insane,even if you hate Michael Moore.

And poor K-Mart. Moore showed up on the doorstep of corporate K-Mart with two of the Columbine victims, claiming there were K-Mart 9mm bullets still in these boys, wanting to return the bullets. Never mind that Harris and Klebold could have bought the bullets anywhere. But since Harris and Klebold chose to buy them at K-Mart, Moore decided to crucify K-Mart, as if K-Mart were responsible for the decisions of Harris and Klebold to murder the Columbine students.
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And,on the very same page

Marilyn Manson: "Ya put on a record and its not gonna yell at you for dressing the way you do [while Manson was dressed in Satanic garb]. It's gonna make you feel better about it." I wonder if Moore realized that with this interview comment Moore perfectly revealed the negative influence of such entertainment which he seems to so staunchly deny. A followup commentary was "Some will be so brash to ask if we believe that all who hear Manson tomorrow night will go out and commit violent acts? The answer is 'No!.' But does everybody who watches a Lexus commercial go and buy a Lexus? No. But a few do!" Apparently the "few who do" go out and commit violent acts under the influence of Manson (and many others) are disposable.
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Hypocrisy is beautiful.

#39 The Hero, Feb 15, 2006
DDRSkata Wu Tang Killa Bee

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Elijya said:

Over the past few years, the CAP Alert website has brought me volumes of entertainment. For those of you not familiar with it, CAP Alert (which stands for Childcare Action Program) is a Christian website that evaluates movies based on what the bible says is bad. Now, in theory, thats not such a bad idea, but the humor comes in with the absolutely delusional fundamentalism of the man who runs the site (who is also a vicious anti-gay activist, on the side). You cannot help but laugh as he insists over and over again about the supposed scientific validity of his completely bull**** system.

You cant help but crack up when someone considers the fact that the hate mail has slowed to a trickle as a major victory.

But now, oh no, it seems the website is in trouble! Seems the author relies on donations to keep the funds going, and for some reason, people just arent opening their pockets to his miracle system like they used to anymore. And so, unfortunately new movies are not reviewed unless someone pays to fund the review of something specific.

How much does it take to do a review? Why, site owner Tom Carder will do a certified (by himself) Christian review of the film of your choice for a mere $350! What a bargain! Now, you may be skeptical and may ask Are you ****ing nuts, Tom? You go to the movies and count the number of times someone says ****! Movie ticket is $10, $20 with popcorn and a drink. Oh, but the process is so much more involved. Read how the complicated test Tom invented is worth your $350 http://www.capalert.com/whatdoesittake.htm

So now you see how your money is justified. For a mere $350, Tom will count every punch, every curse word, every nipple, every buttcrack, every lie about evolution, every magic spell, and every dirty slimy homosexual FOR YOU, so you can make the choice of slapping down $10 to go see it yourself a little easier.

Although, personally I dont think Tom is strict enough, since he doesnt call the costuming department of every film to see if people wore mixed fibers on set.

Frankly, I CHEER every time he gives a film a zero. Thus far, only 4 movies have been badass enough to earn this ranking: Freddy vs Jason, Scary Movie, American Psycho, and Sin City (who would have thought? )

Heres the full list of reviews if you feel like a good laugh
http://www.capalert.com/capreports/index.htm
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Hate mail has slowed to a trickle because he blocks e-mail addresses that send hate mail, or even dissenting opinions presented in a civil manner. Of the five e-mail addresses I've pointed out holes in their arguments with, only two were responded to and all were blocked.

#40 DDRSkata, Feb 15, 2006
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They actualy responded?What did they say?

#41 The Hero, Feb 15, 2006
DDRSkata Wu Tang Killa Bee

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I can't find the e-mails, but they basically tried to shoot my arguments down by twisting Bible verses.

#42 DDRSkata, Feb 15, 2006
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Eyes Wide Shut and Eurotrip,two more movies this guy walked out on.

Interesting quote from his Nanny Mcphee review:

To address the likely issue, Nanny McPhee is not a "Mary Potter" or "Harry Poppins" film from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Sorcery. The film does not hail Nanny as a witch as did each of the Harry Potter films [Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets; the Goblet of Fire; the Prisoner of Azkaban; the Sorcerer's Stone]. Her "magic" was not used for evil purposes. The use or the user of the "magic" does not determine its holiness or unholiness. The source of it does. As the Mary Poppins character could have been an angel, so could Nanny McPhee have been an angel. If all "magic" were evil, Jesus would have sinned as He used His "magic" (holy power) to heal the sick, raise the dead and make the lame walk and the blind see.
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This is the same guy who said that Gandalf was of unholy nature.So when a man other than Jesus uses magic,it's evil,but when a woman does it it's okay?Reverse-sexism!

#43 The Hero, Feb 15, 2006
Elijya Registered

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The Hero said:

Elijya...you may want to turn your head for this one.
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read it awhile ago, but thanks for keeping me in mind

#44 Elijya, Feb 15, 2006
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that movie sucks any ways, i hate him not for the review, but that he paid to see it. (kung pow)

LOL..wht are ya gonna do mr mod, block me?

#45 Assassin, Feb 16, 2006
Elijya Registered

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no, I thought I might try... not being baited that easily

#46 Elijya, Feb 16, 2006
Assassin Detroit's Reckoning

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you didnt respond to my pm you suck up..at least a thank you or something..like i said, power blinds you

#47 Assassin, Feb 16, 2006
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No, what blinded me was the speed of all the PM notification boxes popping up yesterday with every last person on hype writing to say "congrats". The blindness prevented me from writing responses to each and every single one of them

but thanks

#48 Elijya, Feb 16, 2006
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By the way, Elijya, congrats. up:

#49 DDRSkata, Feb 16, 2006
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thanks for not using a PM, DDR

#50 Elijya, Feb 16, 2006

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