This made me laugh:
I watch Heroes because I hate it so much.
I know that doesn't make much sense, but I'm done defending myself. It's the funniest comedy on TV, albeit an unintentional one, and tonight the monkeys were truly in fine phuckheaded form.
I'm endlessly fascinated by the fact that series "creator" Tim Kring is far and away the least talented person on the entire writing staff. His episodes always seem to ooze clunky exposition, thuddingly obvious dramatic beats, and some of the very worst dialog on primetime television. Listen to Flying Emo *****e's stirring "robots and aliens" analogy in Monday's episode and marvel at the way his dialog rolls off the actor's tongue with all the grace of an Emperor Penguin getting kicked down a flight of stairs.
It's hard to imagine how depressing it must be to be a member of that writing staff, knowing that Kring will swoop down like some demented starving vulture to call dibs on the most important episodes of every season, including the premieres and finales. It must be like trying to plan a classy wedding, knowing full in advance that your ****-up of a groom will get too drunk the night before and fill Aunt Marge's lap with vomit halfway through the ceremony. Why even bother?
Some of the highlights from the episode, in no particular order:
--The fact that new character Conveniently White Samurai is so obviously modeled after Captain Jack Sparrow that they even throw in an obligatory scene where a woman slaps him halfway around and he delivers a wisecrack directly into the camera. This is what Tim Kring calls a homage and the rest of the world calls HOLY **** THEFT THEFT THEFT.
--I mentioned the aliens and robots speech, right? It's too bad the writers were forced to cut the following scene, where Super Zac Effron walks across the football field, pumping his fist in the air to the tune of Simple Mind's "Don't You Forget About Me."
--I love the fact that Sulu was apparently killed by a J.C. Penny's fall catalog model. "Each jacket comes custom fitted with comfortable downy lining, a stylish removable hood, and the burning desire to harm aging homosexual icons of science-fiction."
--Between the Snidely Whiplash copy shop manager and the Stock *****y Cheerleader Who Always Bullies The New Girl On The First Day of School, it quickly becomes obvious that Kring's only source of insight into the sort of problems that normal (non-Hollywood-writer) Americans face must have been a steady diet of Saved By The Bell reruns.
--Th' foine, foine accents them foreign laddies were sportin' durin' th' foinal scene o' th' episode. Why, ev'ry day's a luverly day wif yoo, Mary Poppins!
--The fact that Matt Parkman aces his police test by SHOOTING A BAD GUY WHO WASN'T EVEN HOLDING A GUN AT THE TIME. I understand that Kring might have limited insights on small town Americana, but seriously, what the phuck? Didn't he used to write a show about a lawyer? Wouldn't that make him at least tangentially aware that this is something you're not supposed to do?
--Nathan Petrelli's hilarious Ron Burgundy beard. Milk was a bad choice indeed, Nathan.
Sigh. It's going to be a long, long season.
On the plus side, it's always nice to see Stephen Tobolowsky show up. WERNER BRANDES 4EVA.
