Ellen: Hey honey, wanna waste time with a domestic scene?
Animal Man: Go ahead. No one cares about me unless I’m being written by Grant Morrison anyway.
***
Firestorm: You ever feel like the story is too bloated?
Supergirl: What do you mean?
Firestorm: I mean, the same situation that affects Animal Man also needs SUPERMAN’s help. For God’s sake, they brought back Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew over in Teen Titans. Is there a single character in the universe who hasn’t been shoved into this crossover?
Ambush Bug: Howdy!
Firestorm: Oh no! We are NOT going to be breaking the fourth wall on this Fiver! Quick, switch to the next scene!
***
Power Girl: My story makes no sense unless you’ve read the first arc of JSA Classified, out on newsstands now! Also, I’m an A-lister now! Wheeeeee!
Ambush Bug: Well, you’re definitely getting a lot more exposure! Humina humina humina!
***
Clayface: Hmmm… why am I working with these other supervillains again?
Giganta: Apparently, our common bond of being evil is enough to forge us into a single coherent group.
Black Manta: Yes, even though we all have wildly different motivations, personalities, and personal morals, we all manage to co-exist in one team. Except for the Joker and the Secret Six, of course.
Shrapnel: Because that’s how much we disagree with the Justice League being mean to a rapist. After all, we’re supervillains. If we don’t stand up for civil liberties, who will?
***
Kal-L: I’m back to fix the greatest disaster in history!
Power Girl: This Crisis of Infinite proportions?
Kal-L: No… your backstory.
***
Perry White: Lois, the Freedom Fighters were just strung up on the Washington Monument! This isn’t just good guy versus bad guy, this is war!
Lois Lane: Wow, if that were the focus of this crossover, that’d be really interesting. However, since it’s just one facet of a bloated, overcomplicated story, I’m sure it’ll be glossed over just like the OMACs.
Perry White: The Oh-what?
Lois Lane: Did you know you were originally going to be played by Hugh Laurie in the new movie?
Perry White: Nuts to being portrayed by Stuart Little’s dad, now I’m being played by SKELETOR.
***
Lois: Clark, the Society of Supervillains is…
Clark: Gee, Lois, I’d really love to stay and chat with my life before I go off into battle, possibly never to return, but even though I was able to spare an entire issue last time to have a raging hormones *****fest with Batman and Wonder Woman, now I only have time for a quick kiss.
Lois: Well, that’s…
Clark: Gimme some sugar, baby.
***
Psycho Pirate: Someone helped Power Girl escape!
Fake Lex: Calm down, we can still gather up the Marvel family for our nefarious but nonsensical plot.
Deathstroke: Why does it say “Fake Lex” before your colon?
Fake Lex: Why do you carry a sword AND a gun?
Deathstroke: …
Fake Lex: And what’s with the creepy pedophilia/incest vibes?
Deathstroke: …
Fake Lex: And I caught a glimpse of that Teen Titans cartoon and what is UP with your obsession with Robin?
Deathstroke: … I know this all looks bad, but I have thorough explanation for all my deviant behavior.
Fake Lex: Yes?
Deathstroke: The reason I’m such a creep is…
‘Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night
And No One’s Gonna Save You From The Beast About To Strike
You Know It’s Thriller, Thriller Night
You’re Fighting For Your Life Inside A Killer, Thriller Tonight!
Fake Lex: Wow. Deathstroke is really Michael Jackson. Didn’t see that one coming.
***
Real Lex: Why is someone masquerading as me? Who am I talking to? Why am I being regressed to my awful pre-Crisis characterization, thus discarding decades of character development and insight over several mediums?
Fake Lex: Because you’re modeled after Gene Hackman in the new movie.
Real Lex: …For ****’s sake, do you know how many continuities I’ve almost boned Superman’s girlfriend in?
***
Kal-L: Right, Kara, your continuity is so complicated I’ve called in some of the greatest heroes in the universe to help you.
Superboy-Prime: I’ll be a punchline for years to come.
Alexander Luthor: Yo.
Power Girl: A GOOD Lex Luthor? What an interesting concept!
Alexander Luthor: Isn’t it cute that she still thinks we’re good guys? Anyway, we’re going to piss all over the original story by turning us into villains, because pulling a Darth Vader ALWAYS make a character more interesting.
Emma Frost: Uh-huh.
Cassandra Cain: Definitely.
Alexander Luthor: Anyway, at the same time we’re kicking around the ashes of the original story, and the mythology of the DC universe to boot, we’re also following so close in its footsteps that we’re practically a remake, only super-sized so its double-plus good. This time, the entire Flash family is going to heroically sacrifice themselves to… accomplish nothing, really. Also, a member of the Superfamily is going to die so we have a big death. But before we get into all that, some exposition. You see, once there were two universes, Earth-1 and Earth-2…
Power Girl: C’mon, is there anyone who would seriously read this story who doesn’t already know this? How about some exposition on recent events?
Alexander Luthor: Because those issues are still on the newsstands. Also, you, the reader, can get caught up on the entire history of the DC universe by buying Crisis on Infinite Earths, now in paperback!
*Copy-Paste Wikipedia entry on Crisis on Infinite Earths*
Alexander Luthor: And then in our metaphorical heaven, we all went insane. You can get the full story of that in Infinite Crisis: Secret Files.
Power Girl: But why would you want to leave heaven, even a metaphorical one?
Alexander Luthor: Mostly to get away from Superboy’s emo poetry.
Kal-L: Also, my wife is dying.
Alexander Luthor: You can get the full story on that in “The Death of Lois Lane,” out now! Complete with six pin-ups of her decomposing by wonder artist George Perez!
Power Girl: Whoa, DC really is shameless, aren’t they?
Alexander Luthor: Being shameless implies they have the capacity to feel shame. I don’t think they’ve done that since they handed out Superman armbands.
***
Booster Gold: I’m Back from the Future and I have an important role in the plot! I’m going to help replace Ted Kord with a younger, more Hispanic Blue Beetle.
Skeets: Are you sure that’s a good idea? If we have to have an affirmative action Blue Beetle, why not just let Ted Kord retire? He’s done it before.
Booster Gold: This new Blue Beetle will have a costume inspired by luchadores.
Skeets: I… that’s the second-most ******ed thing I’ve ever heard, sir. And I have access to complete historical records right up to the 25th century.
Booster Gold: What’s the first?
Skeets: Bringing up quotations: Dan Didio…
***
Joker: Why don’t I get an invitation to join the Society?
King: Because you’re too crazy.
Joker: Wow. I’m actually feeling a little complimented. By the way, who’s playing me in the new Batman movie?
King: Heath Ledger.
Joker: …
Buzzer: B-ZAP!
Joker: That’s not funny.
***
Power Girl: I remember everything! Whoa, what an interesting dilemma! Will I side with this new/old family or the post-Crisis heroes?
Kal-L: Haha, it’s so cute that you think you get a say in your own storyline.
***
Alfred: Master Wayne, you’ve become too obsessed with crime! For at least the thousandth time!
Batman: I need to talk to Master Mold… I mean, Brother Eye now.
Brother Eye: ‘Sup?
Batman: What went wrong?
Brother Eye: After you gave me a set of easily-corrupted directives, I was given the OMACs by Maxwell Lord, under the command of the Pre-Crisis heroes, acting under orders from the Trilateral Commission, who were being manipulated by the International Zionist Conspiracy, who were being paid by the Freemasons, who were under the control of the No Homers Club, who are owned by Disney.
Batman: I need a flowchart to explain this mess. But didn’t I disable all your OMACs with the EMP bomb in The OMAC Project?
Brother Eye: No, you merely disabled sixty percent of 1.3 million OMACs.
Batman: Thus rendering that entire miniseries completely pointless.
Brother Eye: I especially love the part where, to understand this, you have to read The OMAC Project, and to understand The OMAC Project, you have to read the Sacrifice arc.
***
Amazons: Why are OMACs attacking our island? What did we ever do to them?
Wonder Woman: Ummm… they’re from Man’s World! Obviously, they hate women!
***
Power Girl: Why is Lois dying?
Kal-L: Old age.
Power Girl: …seriously? And how do you intend to fix that by making a new Earth?
Kal-L: It’s easy! Step one, make new Earth out of vibrational DNA of superheroes kidnapped using the Society of Superheroes and…
*Five hours later*
Kal-L: -then the OMACS put the lotion in the basket. Step two… Step three, Lois lives forever!
Power Girl: …
Kal-L: …
Power Girl: …
Kal-L: Also, I hate your world because it’s too grim and dark.
Ambush Bug: Hold on, hold on, sorry everyone, I have to cut in to break the fourth wall once more.
Power Girl: For the love of Rao…
Ambush Bug: So, let me get this ABSOLUTELY STRAIGHT. The fans want a happier, lighter DC universe. TPTB stage a giant crossover, full of deaths and rapes and whatnot, to get this shiny new DC universe. And the villains of this absolutely epic storyline are… basically mouthpieces for the fans?
Kal-L: Pretty much, yeah.
Ambush Bug: So the message here is that DC hates and resents its audience with the fury of a thousand burning suns?
Kal-L: Yup.
Ambush Bug: Damn. That’s too ****ed up, even for me. I’m out of here.
Power Girl: I feel like I’m dying inside.
Kal-L: Me too, Kara. Me too.
t: 
