Five-Minute Infinite Crisis

[DavidTyler]

Majel Barrett: Previously, in the DC universe...

***

.....................
***

Superman: Murder is wrong! Bad wrong! Wrong bad!

Wonder Woman: Like that time you killed three Kryptonians?

Superman: That point renders my entire argument invalid, so I choose to retcon it out of continuity.

Emoboy-Prime punch: **** you, Bryne!

John Bryne: I probably had this coming.

***

..................................***

Majel Barrett: And now, the conclusion...

Byrne was off the Superman books by the time this event happened.....and I happened to like that Exile in Space story arc. It was Ordway and company.

 

[Zev]

He said that readers who cried because of a very emotional story were over-dramatic little girls who made him cringe.How is that not an insult?

You must understand, Bill Willingham's logic is not like our Earth logic.

 

[The Question]

You must understand, Bill Willingham's logic is not like our Earth logic.

That, or maybe he simply wants to avoid an arguement since his only defense is "I thought it would be a good idea at the time."

 

[BrianWilly]

Why couldn't he just say that, then?

 

[The Hero]

Because writers can never,ever,under any circumstances whatsoever admit to any kind of failure.If you notice a plot hole,you're a dumbass fanboy who needs to get out of his mother's basement.If you don't like the direction one is taking with a character,too ****ing bad,'cuz they're the writer and you're the fan,and if you don't like it you don't have to buy it. (Just once I want someone to respond to that with "But I don't want to want to not buy it")

The last time I remember a writer saying he regretted what he did to a character was Alan Moore with The Killing Joke.

 

[BrianWilly]

Mark Waid has admitted that killing Ice was a mistake.

Didio has admitted that killing Nightwing would've been a mistake.

Even JMS and Quesada, of all people, have pointed out that maybe Sins Past wasn't that great of an idea.

Peter David, Whedon, and other writers cop out to the whoopsies that they've made...maybe not all the time, but at times. I guess these instances are pretty much in the minority, but not every reader complaint is answered with contempt and scorn. I just don't think there's any dispute that what Willingham said was particularly asstastic even for those writers who don't like copping to their screw-ups. I mean, "How do you like them apples"? That's one for the books, seriously.

 

[Sloth7d]

Hey Zev, you should do a five minute "The Grudge" parody. I'd love to see that.

 

[Zev]

Deathstroke: Alright, I'm tired of people saying that I'm a good guy who's just misunderstood. Obviously, the best way to get back to my character's roots is to nuke an entire city.

***

Alexander Luthor: Man, this is just like that scene in T2!

Superboy-Prime: Watching Terminator movies won't help me lose my virginity.

Power Girl: Wait, I thought your master plan was to recreate Earth-2. Why are you taking time to blow up cites that are too immoral?

Alexander Luthor: It's kind of a side project. No good shows are on. Did I mention that on Earth-2, Lost airs with no repeats?

Power Girl: You're insane!

Alexander Luthor: And the only reason anyone even bothers trying to explain your continuity is because no one would be shameless enough to introduce that "iconic" costume on a new character.

Power Girl: But we can work together to get you what you want without any bloodshed!

Alexander Luthor: Bull****! I mean, bullpuckey! This universe is so corrupt that no heroes could possibly work together! For instance, Lex Luthor was able to gather together a Society of Supervillains to...

Superboy-Prime: Umm, that was us.

Alexander Luthor: Right, well, the Spectre turned evil because Eclipso seduced him, thus...

Superboy-Prime: Also on us.

Alexander Luthor: Right, well, Batman created the OMACs, which have since turned corrupt and...

Superboy-Prime: All us.

Alexander Luthor: Interstellar war broke out...

Superboy-Prime: Us.

Alexander Luthor: Nightwing got raped!

Superboy-Prime: ...

Alexander Luthor: You see!? And now we'll save the whole of the DC universe from lousy writing! By the way, as long as I'm here, I think I'll molest you some with my hot, morally-superior Earth-2 make-out session!

Power Girl: Your kiss puts women to sleep? That's both disturbing and unintentionally hilarZZZZZZZ.

Alexander Luthor: ...

Superboy-Prime: ...

Alexander Luthor: So, anything good on TV?

Superboy-Prime: No. Can I go beat up Superboy now?

Alexander Luthor: I see no way that that could give away our master plan. Get to it!

***

Nightwing: Hmm... parents are dead, girlfriend left me, killed Blockbuster, bunch of people dead just because they know me, got raped, failed Bruce... I need something new to anguish about.

Bludhaven: *mushroom cloud*

Nightwing: YES!!!

Bludhaven: *still been nuked*

Nightwing: Damnit, Al Gore warned us this would happen if we didn't buy tickets to An Inconvenient Truth.

Batman: Dick.

Nightwing: Hi Batman! It's me, Nightwing!

Batman: Oh, I thought you were Animal Man.

Nightwing: What are you doing in Bludhaven? Weren't you just in Gotham, fighting Red Hood and being possibly mortally wounded?

Batman: That's not important right now. Look, I know you're all shook up about reliving the first half of Daredevil: Born Again and being raped, but no one wants to read about that. So I need you to move on with your life. First, abandon the city you swore to protect just like I swore to protect Gotham. Then break up with your lifelong love who you just got engaged to. Finally, start sleeping with random women you pick up off the street.

Nightwing: Well, I see the Batfamily is just as good as coping with trauma as ever.

***

Kal-L: Alexander, not everyone on this Earth is bad. For example, Nightwing...

Alexander: Became a supervillain and helped out Deathstroke out of guilt over letting someone die and then having sex with the murderer over the rotting corpse.

Kal-L: ...I mean, in general, he's an okay guy.

Alexander: Right, anyway, your wife's going to die in a few hours. Destroying the universe is the only thing that'll bring her back.

Kal-L: So... you're sure that we can't just cryogenically freeze her or take her to Paradise Island or...

Alexander: Hello, who is the evil genius here? If I say that destroying the universe to save one person is the best course of action, then you'd better believe it's the best course of action.

Kal-L: Ummm... you just called yourself an evil genius.

Alexander: Yes, it's Latin. Evil is Latin for, uh... kind to animals and small children!

Kal-L: But you hate animals and small children.

Alexander: Oh, look, your wife's still dying. You might wanna get on that, golden oldie, while not questioning my moral superiority. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's still fifteen minutes until Top Chef and I think I can squeeze in one or two atrocities.

***

Superboy-Prime: You're not a real hero! Real heroes massacre thousands of innocent people in the name of a nebulous greater good! You just lie around at home instead of fighting the many, many side effects caused by the atrocities of the real heroes, like me!

Superboy: Ummm... are you high on something?

Superboy-Prime: I'm high on not being related to Lex Luthor! Unless you count Alexander Luthor, who's like a brother to me! And by that I mean the brothers in that Supernatural fanfiction I found on wincest.

Superboy: Wait, question. How come you need like a red sun, two Supermen, a bazillion Green Lanterns, the whole Flash family, and the Teen Titans to stand up against you, but I'm still able to go toe-to-toe with you?

Superboy-Prime: Real heroes don't ask questions like that! Real heroes just have pointless fights! Have at you!

***

Booster Gold: Hello there, child!

Jaime: Ahhhhh!

Booster Gold: Relax! Although I am a money-loving capitalist, I am also able to act heroic as the plot dictates. Come, let us go save the world!

Jaime: Ummm... okay...

Booster Gold: Ronald Reagan was the greatest American president.

***

Superboy-Prime: You're not the real Superboy! Technically, I'm not the real Superboy either, but I'm realer than you! I also have subtle nuance to show my characterization, like kicking this dog! Bet you couldn't have guessed I was really evil if I hadn't done that, huh?

Superboy: Showing gory dismemberment and shameless T&A is great, but it would be inappropriate to say motherf-

***

Batman: Ucker! Amy Ucker! That's the name of the girl who played Fred on Angel.

Nightwing: No, I'm pretty sure it was Amy Acker. Now that we've settled that, can we close IMDB and investigate the evil plot?

Batman: By the way, you know that time your parents were recently dead and you, a preadolescent child, were put into grave physical jeopardy by me while wearing hot-pants? Good times, right?

Nightwing: Well, I was putting the screws to Starfire at the time, so yeah.

***

Superboy-Prime: Real heroes cause a bunch of collateral damage while perpetuating a pointless grudge match! And you don't even have a cape!

Superboy: That's because capes are stupid, unless you're Batwoman and into retro-Silver Age high heels. Didn't you see The Incredibles?

Superboy-Prime: I've been meaning to Netflix it. Also, a real heroes would have a bunch of friends that would help him out by arriving in a big splash panel and saying...

Beast Boy: Titans Together!

Superboy-Prime: Yes, like... ****. Oh well, time to show how much of a badass I am by killing a bunch of D-list characters.

***

Spectre: Please, God! Tell me what this has to do with anything else that's happening in the narrative!?

***

Superboy: Oh no! He killed whatsherface!

Wonder Girl: And whatshisname! People who haven't had a speaking role in twenty years are dropping left and right!

Flash: The only way to stop him is a heroic but ultimately pointless sacrifice. Sort of like Barry did in the original Crisis, only devoid of any meaning.

Max Mercury: I'm in!

Jay Garrick: Me too!

Kid Flash: I feel my personality dying...

***

Alexander Luthor: Well. My right-hand man with god-like powers got eliminated, but it's alright, because he took out... Pantha and Bushido. Oh yeah. This campaign is off to a great start! Psycho Pirate, do something villain-y.

Psycho Pirate: Black Adam, it's time for you to be elevated to an A-list character. Focus all your thoughts on acting a bunch like Dr. Doom.

Black Adam: RICHAAAAARRRRDDDDDDSSSSS!!!

***

Supergirl: What are we all doing again?

Air Wave: Who am I again?

Firestorm: Everyone watch out, the plot has finally started moving!

***

Alexander Luthor: It's time to goatse this *****.

***

Earth-1: ...

Earth-2: ...

***

Kal-L: Look, honey. The world is George Reeves-a-licious again. But not in the bad, Hollywoodland way.

 

[The Question]

Kid Flash: I feel my personality dying...

So true.

Psycho Pirate: Black Adam, it's time for you to be elevated to an A-list character. Focus all your thoughts on acting a bunch like Dr. Doom.

Black Adam: RICHAAAAARRRRDDDDDDSSSSS!!!

Nice.

 

[Kebab gud]

i know how to end this!

The following is an Elseworld story
***

Green Arrow: Hey! Emo-Boy. How did i end up here in space with you guys?

Batman: Ohh yeah i just wanted to f*** with your head, SEE! i have a sense of humor!

Green Arrow: Yeah , ha...ha. no Im talking about why am I awake and fine? Last time the readers saw me i was lying on the roof of a house in Star city with 2 arrow in my chest dying while Star City was going up in flames.

Batman: ohh... magic....

Green Arrow: Magic?.. you're the smartest man in the world and thats the best you can come up with?

Batman: ... superboy-prime punched.......

Green Arrow: STOP IT!

***

and the mystery of how GA showed up in IC and 52 is still unresolved!

 

[spiderbob]

Alexander Luthor: Nightwing got raped!

Superboy-Prime: ...

***

Nightwing: Hmm... parents are dead, girlfriend left me, killed Blockbuster, bunch of people dead just because they know me, got raped, failed Bruce...

Woah!! WTH!?!? When the hell did Nightwing get raped?! And by who!?!

 

[The Question]

He was raped by Turantula, a borderline psychotic vigilante/assassin for hire. She drugged him while he was having an emotional breakdown and and made some sweet, non consentual lovin' to him.

 

[spiderbob]

He was raped by Turantula, a borderline psychotic vigilante/assassin for hire. She drugged him while he was having an emotional breakdown and and made some sweet, non consentual lovin' to him.

She couldn't just ask? I mean, this is Nightwing we're talking about. The guy has probably gotten around more in ten years than Wolverine has in a hundred.
*sheesh* Like Nightwing needs another incident to screw him up even more.

 

[The Question]

She couldn't just ask? I mean, this is Nightwing we're talking about. The guy has probably gotten around more in ten years than Wolverine has in a hundred.

The thing is, he doesn't like her that much. In fact, he kind of hates her. Moreso now because of the whole "raping him" thing.

 

[Zev]

He was raped by Turantula, a borderline psychotic vigilante/assassin for hire. She drugged him while he was having an emotional breakdown and and made some sweet, non consentual lovin' to him.

Actually, there was no drugging. If there were, I'd be making date rape jokes instead of general rape jokes.

 

[The Question]

Someone told me Dick was partially drugged when it happened.

 

[Sloth7d]

He was raped by Turantula, a borderline psychotic vigilante/assassin for hire. She drugged him while he was having an emotional breakdown and and made some sweet, non consentual lovin' to him.

Its possible for women to perform non-statutory rape on men?!
Please, tell me more.

 

[Kitsune]

Someone told me Dick was partially drugged when it happened.

How can you be "Partially drugged?"

 

[batnkevlar]

I heard it's possible for a woman to rape a man... basically, they slip viagra in your drink, knock you out, and have fun with your unconscious body... or your semi unconscious body...

 

[Sloth7d]

OMFG Zev doing Civil War will be AWESOME.

Yeah. We're waiting Zev.