The Twilight Saga is a series of movies based on books written by Stephenie Meyer - a woman who has completely rewritten the world of werewolves and vampires to further her own story. In Meyers world, vampires are not affected by sunlight, crosses, holy water, or even stakes through the heart. In fact, the only way to kill Meyers vampires is to tear them apart and burn all of the remains. (Yes, you read that correctly.)
In the first movie, appropriately named Twilight, we are introduced to Bella Swan (played by Kristen Stewart) - a mumbling, mopey, depressed outcast who moves from Arizona to Washington State to be with her father after her mother remarries and to finish her high school career. The high school is your typical high school with typical cliques and typical melodramatic teen angst. Upon starting high school, Bella meets Edward Cullen (an undercover vampire who doesnt drink human blood played by Robert Pattinson, who seems to have gotten the part because of his looks and not his acting ability). From the moment Edward sees Bella, he stares at her angrily. (Which is creepy and laughable at the same time given Pattinsons expression.) Fittingly enough, Bella is assigned to be Edwards lab partner in Biology class. (An assignment that she feels will give her an opportunity to confront Edward about his glares.) However, she doesnt get the chance to confront him because he is absent from school for the next several days after their first day together in class. When Edward does return to school, he acts completely different. He introduces himself to Bella and even attempts to make small talk. (A conversation that is very odd, in large part due to the writing of the scene.) Later on, Bella is saved by Edward in the high school parking lot when he stops a car from slamming right into her. They talk briefly after the incident but ultimately leads to Edward walking off awkwardly again.
Bella ends up going to an indian reservation where she was supposed to have met Edward for a date, but he never shows up. Enter Jacob Black (a werewolf played by Taylor Lautner). Bella and Jacob talk at the reservation about Edward. Jacob goes into a convoluted story about how the Cullens do not come to the reservation because of an urban legend. (The people of the reservation descended from wolves and the Cullens descended from an opposing clan.) Apparently, some kind of pact was made between the two groups that prevented the Cullens from coming onto the reservation. To make the long story short, Bella ends up going to a bookstore to research the legend. She finds a story about The Cold One and decides to discuss her findings with Edward the next day. In their meeting, Edward doesnt deny any of the story. He actually decides that he wants to show her proof. He then asks Bella to climb onto his back and he runs up to the top of a mountain with her. It is there that he steps into the sun to reveal that his skin sparkles in the sun. Yes, you read that right - this vampire SPARKLES in the sun! He doesnt burst into flames as any other vampire would, he sparkles. On top of that, he comes out to Bella as a vampire who only drinks animal blood, but admits that he cannot stop craving Bellas human blood. Instead, of being terrified by Edwards confession, Bella is turned on and keeps repeating that she isnt afraid. He then agrees to take her to meet the family.
After that, we are taken to a baseball game in the rain where rogue vampires show up, catch Bellas scent, and fight with the Cullens. After the confrontation, Edward decides that the best thing for he and Bella to do is run away together. Predictably, Bella says that she has to return home to pack first and all hell breaks loose as the rogue vampires have tracked her to the house. They all get into a big fight and Bella ends up getting bitten by one of the rogues causing her to bleed severely and become infected with vampire venom. Instead of letting Bella turn into a vampire, Edward decides to suck the venom out of her.
The movie then jumps to a hospital scene in which Bella awakens to find Edward asleep in a chair nearby and her mother next to her. She feigns ignorance about what happened and came up with a story about falling down the stairs and flying through a window. (Sounds believable enough, right?)
After her release from the hospital, the movie ends with Bella attending a dance with Edward, where they end up dancing and kissing in a gazebo.
Which brings us to the sequel Twilight: New Moon.
The sequel picks up right where the original left off and almost seems to mock itself. It begins with a voiceover from Bella (again played by Kristen Stewart) reciting Romeo and Juliet, which turns out to be a nightmare that she is having. After a brief conversation with her father, she leaves for school.
Once there, she sees Edward pull into the parking lot and walk over from his brand new Volvo. (Which is seemingly shot as a slow-motion sequence for dramatic effect?) Edward and Bella then begin to kiss and he breaks away to get to class. Enter Jacob (who is now a stereotypical meat-head). He comes over to Bella to give her a birthday present a dream catcher which obviously makes Edward jealous.
After a cheesy scene of Edward and Bella talking about Romeo and Juliet in class, they go to a birthday party at the Cullens house. Once there, Bella finds a picture of the Volturi, which Edward says is a basically a supreme race of vampires. After a brief conversation (and Bella discovering that Edward doesnt have a bed because he never sleeps), they go into the main room of the house for the party where she ends up getting a paper cut (yes, a paper cut) that drives all of the Cullens into a frenzy particularly Edward. He ends up driving her home in her truck and he kisses her goodbye.
The next day, Edward comes over to Bellas house after school to explain that he and his family are leaving town. (Thats right, she continues to be a target of the rogue vampires, and her protector is leaving.) He tells Bella that she doesnt belong in his world and that she isnt good for him, which obviously devastates her. We then see a sad montage scene of her devastation as she stays depressed in her room with the seasons visibly changing outside the window and another scene of her acting like a rebel that results in seeing a vision of Edward.
With Edward gone, Bella decides to give Jacob another try. (Who is shirtless for the large majority of the movie.) She brings him two motorcycles thinking that they can fix them together, which they do. They then decide to take the motorcycles out for a ride and Bella ends up crashing so she can see Edward again. Cut to Jacob racing down the street toward Bella, ripping his shirt off, and telling her youre kind of beautiful or something like that. (All I know is that it had me rolling my eyes.)
After a couple of insignificant scenes at the school and a movie theater, we see Bella frantically trying to contact Edward and then deciding to confront Jacob about the wolf sightings. Jacob has since cut off his hair, gotten a tattoo, gained an attitude, and is walking around shirtless (again) in the rain when Bella arrives. Instead of asking Bella to stay, he pushes her away and acts like he wants nothing to do with her. To make the long story short, he says that he knows the Cullens are vampires and it freaks Bella out
so she leaves.
Bella ends up being confronted by a vampire and Edwards image appears again telling her to lie about what she knows. As the vampire prepares to attack, a giant wolf (who looks more like a cuddly dog than a vicious werewolf) appears out of nowhere to save Bella. Other wolves soon arrive to chase the vampire away. As the last wolf leaves, it turns around to look at Bella. (Dramatic pause.)
Later that night, Bella is shown in her room and is quickly distracted by rocks hitting her window. Once at the window, she looks toward the ground and sees Jacob standing there. (Once again, shirtless.) He then jumps up to the window after bouncing off of the wall of the house and flipping around a tree branch. (This is another one of those scenes that is unintentionally funny because of the execution.) He wants to explain what is going on, but doesnt, and instead asks her to leave town.
The next day, Bella goes over to Jacobs house to talk to him but is told that he isnt there. She doesnt believe the person who opens the door so she runs upstairs and breaks into Jacobs bedroom to find him asleep in bed. (You guessed it, hes shirtless again.) After finding Jacob, she ends up leaving the house which leads to a confrontation with a group of people leaving the woods and slaps one of them causing him to turn into a wolf. As the wolf prepares to attack Bella, Jacob emerges from the house and changes into a wolf in mid-air and fights off the other wolf. (This was actually a neat scene
one of the few in the movie.)
Throughout the rest of the movie, Bella and Jacob continue to bicker culminating in a missed phone call by Edward to Bella. Jacob leads Edward to believe that Bella has died which causes Edward to travel to Italy to visit with the Volturi (one of which is played a very creepy Dakota Fanning) to take his own life. Needless to say, Bella is furious and leaves with Edwards sister to go to Italy and stop him. Ultimately, Edwards petition to die is denied by the Volturi and Edward (predictably) is allowed to leave with Bella. (This is also the scene where Edward removes his shirt, walks out onto the promenade of the Volturis building and attempts to out himself to the world as a vampire by sparkling in the sun. Yes, sparkling.) They end up clearing the air about everything that has happened, and eventually come to an understanding. Stateside, Edward is shown driving Bella back home but is stopped by Jacob standing in the middle of the road. They engage in the typical love-triangle quarrel that ends with Bella choosing Edward and Jacob left wandering further into the woods and the movie mercifully ends. (After a proposal from Edward to Bella of course.)
To be perfectly honest, Im not quite sure how well the books are written, but the movies are flat out horrible. The story is all over the place, the acting is bad, and the script is poorly written. There are many times in these movies where scenes are unintentionally funny because of such a poor standard that has been set. Bella is an incredibly weak heroine and has no chemistry with Edward whatsoever. Add to that, Jacob, who looks like hes posing for a fitness magazine every single time that he is on screen and youve got a series of movies that are full of cheese and corn.
The bottom line if you are not in the very specifically targeted audience that these movies cater to, youll quickly find yourself looking for the exit or the off-button.
I appreciate that but with some superior writers in this group I doubt I will have a chance to win this challenge.
For the sake of fun. Lets go ahead and post the reviews now to give us something to read while we wait.
My minimalist grids are awesome. 
