I Have a Moral Dilemma

[Warhammer]

Last week, one of my parents passed away. I told a decent amount of my friends that I consider close to me, but I didn't go making a Facebook status, tweet, or anything like that because I'm not all about having pity parties or attention seeking. My friends all gave their condolences of course, but to my surprise, a good amount sent me mail, phone calls, and texts saying if I need anything, I can call them as well as offering their time to talk to me, etc. Apparently, word spread quickly and even people who I barely know reached out to me. And I am grateful for that.

But here's the kicker. There is one friend who I have a close friendship with. Whenever she needed advice, I gave it to her. When her grandparent died, I personally reached out to her twice to console her. Not even two days before the unfortunate passing, she had called me almost crying about something and I went out to eat dinner with her to talk about her problem. We're just friends. There's nothing going on as far as I know. What irked me was that she didn't reach out to me other than a "I'll pray for you" in a group chat message on Facebook. No phone call, text, message, or anything.

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel the sense of "I scratch your back, you scratch mine," because I feel as though it's a duty as a friend to be there when asked. I don't think I come off as entitled either but I did expect to hear something from her because of our friendship. So with all that was said, am I right or wrong to be a little pissed that this person hasn't personally reached out to me?

 

[Fallen Angel]

Sorry to hear about the passing of your parent my condolences.

As for your friend yeah you should be pissed.

 

[Duke]

I'm sorry for your loss Warhammer, my condolences. As for your friend, yes, she should of reached out to you more.

 

[jonathancrane]

I am sorry for your loss...and am in agreement with the posters above me.

 

[NickNitro]

I'm soo sorry Warhammer. My prayers go out to you and your family. I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this.

I would absolutely be upset with your friend but now is not the time to worry about her. You bring the friends close to you who have reached out to you and keep them there. When the dust settles and you're able to talk to her you tell her exactly how you feel.

 

[GENERAL RAAM582]

Sorry for your loss.

Were you closer to this friend at the time of their grandparent's death compared to now?

 

[Feenix]

Sorry about your loss, Warhammer

As for your "friend", she's not a friend. She uses you as someone to throw her a pity party and listen to her problems and her issues. It sounds like she couldn't care less about you until she wants someone to listen to her. Not only should you be mad at her, you should cut her out of your life completely until she learns that the world doesn't revolve around her. People like that expect so much from others, but aren't willing to give back. Start loosening the bolts on that bridge, she's not worth it.

Your time is precious, give it to those who deserve it (like the friends who reached out to you). They'll be the ones to help you through this difficult time.

 

[Superwoman Prime]

Maybe it's best to console someone because you care about them, not because you expect them to be a shoulder for you later on.

That said, I do question what is wrong with her.

 

[flower]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think you should jump to conclusions. maybe she thinks it's best to leave you alone to grieve privately and that you are close enough that she doesn't need to say anything and you'll contact her if you need to talk?

 

[Slushy]

Sorry for your loss and you have a sh**ty friend.

 

[Shawn Wayne]

Sorry about your loss, that really sucks. Your friend is using you for emotional support but not able to be bothered with returning the favor. I would be done with her

 

[Superwoman Prime]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think you should jump to conclusions. maybe she thinks it's best to leave you alone to grieve privately and that you are close enough that she doesn't need to say anything and you'll contact her if you need to talk?

Yeah, there could be more to the story. Talk to her.

 

[redhawk23]

You have every right to feel how you feel.

How you choose to act on those feelings is another matter.

People react to death in different ways and it can be somewhat awkward to be tangential to that kind of situation. It is very likely that if it was matter of you losing your job or a bad breakup or your house flooded or something that this person would be the first at your side but they may be flummoxed as to how to react or approach you about the death of your parent, particularly if they have never lost one of their own.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

 

[Rocketman]

So I'll guess I'll be devil's advocate here.

First of all, I'm truly sorry for your loss Warhammer. I can't imagine what it's like. The only person I've ever lost was my favorite professor from college, so I have almost zero experience in this kind of thing (and I fear for what my reaction will be when I finally do lose someone, as a man of already 27).

As for your friend... here's my perspective, and this is coming from a guy who doesn't know you or her. I'm only looking at the surface area here. Simply put: maybe she doesn't know how to respond. Maybe it's awkward for her to do or say something. Maybe she's the type of person where if something major and traumatic happens, her biological instinct/response is total silence. Suddenly, she's shy, unconfident, is showing signs of selective mutism. This is a pretty common thing.

Now, I don't know your friend. Maybe her personality is the complete opposite of all that. Maybe she's extremely outgoing and is the first person to pick up the phone and hold nothing back. If so, something is definitely strange there... But keep in mind, people react to things in different ways, some reactions stranger than others.

Just my take. I'm not trying to argue with anyone here or be a contrarian.

 

[Marvolo]

Very sorry for your loss, Warhammer.

 

[Shikamaru]

Very sorry for your loss, Warhammer. Best wishes and you have my condolences. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.

To answer your question, no, you're not wrong. It is a completely normal reaction, especially while in grief. But also take into account that maybe your friend hasn't heard the news yet (unless you know for sure she does).

 

[regwec]

You're not wrong to be annoyed, but nor will it achieve anything.

I'm afraid to say that people seem to be broadly definable as "givers" and "takers". I actually think that the latter lose out.

 

[Warhammer]

Thank you everyone. Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just have to roll with it. I also appreciate the opinions. I realized that in anger, I was impulsive and reading the differing viewpoints gave me some perspective. I'm gonna go ahead and close this thread now.