Jaws: The Hype Beach Massacre
- Thread starter DOG LIPS
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Awesome guys, keep it coming
Batman
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The Next Day,At the Beach....
Dog Lips watched from a chair as the beachgoers enjoyed their day.He looked over,to notice a boy,walking out of the water.
The boy was exhausted.
The boy looked at his mother,who was sun bathing.
Flass:"Momma,Can I STOP this?Ive been at it for hours...."
Flass' mom looked at his hands.They were pruned.
Flass' Mom:"Your hands arent pruned enough!Get your ass back in there!"
Flass:"But momma....I cant stand it!I dont think I'd be able to last ten more minutes in there!"
Flass' Mom:"No Buts!You wanna win the Canadian Olympics,Dont you?!"
Flass:"....Canadian?You mean Im doing this for CANADA!?!I HATE THOSE BAS...."
Flass' Mom looks at her son,with an angry look.
Flass:"Sorry,momma."
Flass' Mom:In the water.....NOW!!"
Flass runs back in.His Mom smiles.Dog Lips shakes his head.
Dog Lips:"Poor kid."
As this goes on,David Hasselhoff runs along the beach,in slow motion.He stops,and picks up a frisbee that his dog,Ace,threw onto the beach.
David Hasselhoff:"Woof Woof!"
Ace:"Good Boy!"
Ace grabs the frisbee,and throws it into the water.David Hasselhoff goes after it.
Dog Lips stares,confused.
Dog Lips:"Wait.....How....."
Dog Lips sighs.
Dog Lips:"I must be drunk as hell."
Dog Lips drinks a little more of his booze.
Just then,He sees something out in the water.Something.....BIG.His eyes widen as he realises whats going on:
Flass is being attacked by the shark.
A tail is visible,as Flass is pulled under the water.After a minute,Torn up boogie board bits and blood can be seen in the area.Everyone screams and runs.
Not from the Shark........But because Hasselhoff is starting to sing rap music.
Dog Lips watched from a chair as the beachgoers enjoyed their day.He looked over,to notice a boy,walking out of the water.
The boy was exhausted.
The boy looked at his mother,who was sun bathing.
Flass:"Momma,Can I STOP this?Ive been at it for hours...."
Flass' mom looked at his hands.They were pruned.
Flass' Mom:"Your hands arent pruned enough!Get your ass back in there!"
Flass:"But momma....I cant stand it!I dont think I'd be able to last ten more minutes in there!"
Flass' Mom:"No Buts!You wanna win the Canadian Olympics,Dont you?!"
Flass:"....Canadian?You mean Im doing this for CANADA!?!I HATE THOSE BAS...."
Flass' Mom looks at her son,with an angry look.
Flass:"Sorry,momma."
Flass' Mom:In the water.....NOW!!"
Flass runs back in.His Mom smiles.Dog Lips shakes his head.
Dog Lips:"Poor kid."
As this goes on,David Hasselhoff runs along the beach,in slow motion.He stops,and picks up a frisbee that his dog,Ace,threw onto the beach.
David Hasselhoff:"Woof Woof!"
Ace:"Good Boy!"
Ace grabs the frisbee,and throws it into the water.David Hasselhoff goes after it.
Dog Lips stares,confused.
Dog Lips:"Wait.....How....."
Dog Lips sighs.
Dog Lips:"I must be drunk as hell."
Dog Lips drinks a little more of his booze.
Just then,He sees something out in the water.Something.....BIG.His eyes widen as he realises whats going on:
Flass is being attacked by the shark.
A tail is visible,as Flass is pulled under the water.After a minute,Torn up boogie board bits and blood can be seen in the area.Everyone screams and runs.
Not from the Shark........But because Hasselhoff is starting to sing rap music.
DOG LIPS
El Señor Presidente
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TWO HOURS LATER AT THE TOWN HALL MEETING..............
Flass' Mom: "It was a shark that ate my bwa! I don't really care though."
Mayor Dew: "There's no such thing as a shark biting people!"
Flass' Mom: "....The hell?"
DOG LIPS: "Everyone calm down! We have to maintain order here, or nipples will begin to fly! Now shuddup! ..Now... we're going to get some more deputies on the beach, and use some shark spotters to stand there and point at the sharks so we know where they are. We're also going to set up some scarecrows that look like Rosie O'Donnell in the water to try and keep the sharks away."
Stryker: "That will keep everyone away."
SweetPrima: "Chief, are you going to close the beaches?"
DOG LIPS: "Yes. Yes we are."
The huge crowd of town's folk begin to murmur and mumble loudly to themselves, creating a massive sound like two monkeys in a barrel beating each other to death with fists full of feces. Finally after a few minutes they begin to calm down.
Mr. Thing: "For how long????"
Mayor Dew: "30 minutes."
DOG LIPS: "I didn't agree to that."
Stryker: "30 minutes??? That's a lifetime for those of us who make money off the beaches with speedo stands!"
Mr. Thing: "I demand an enema!!"
Suddenly the sound of nails against a chalk board shut everyone up and had the whole crowd grinding their teeth. Everyone turned at the same time and looked to the back of the room. They saw a greasy fisherman sitting in a chair at the back of the room. Chief DL noticed there was no chalk board anywhere in sight, and the man had his hands deep in his pants. Everyone sat quietly as the man began a long and boring speech.
Flexo: "Yarrgh. Ya'll know me, know how I makes me livin'. Strippin. But I also catch sharks in me spare time. I can get yer businesses runnin again. I can catch this bad fish for ya. For $3,000.00, I'll find him and punch him. For $3,500.00, I'll kill em' and bring you his jaws. For $4,000.00, I'll kill em' and bring ya the whole fish, head, tail, fins, nipples, buttcrack. For $4,005.32, I'll do all this while wearing a pink moo-moo and a cowboy hat. Well, do you want to gimme da booty and get back to yer livin, or spend the whole winter eatin' Ramen noodles?"
DOG LIPS: "Thank you, Mr Flexo. We'll um, take it under consideration"
Flexo got to his feet and stretched out, his back popping loudly and loud farts errupting from his arse. The crowd held their noses and gagged at the smell of the man.
Flexo: "Mayor, Chief, ladies and gentlemen, good day."
The crowd watched as Flexo stood there staring at them. He seemed to be frozen in time and he stared blankly into the crowd of people. After several horrible minutes, Flexo blinked several times, then made his way to the door.
Flexo: "Mayor, Chief, ladies and gentlemen, good day."
Flass' Mom: "It was a shark that ate my bwa! I don't really care though."
Mayor Dew: "There's no such thing as a shark biting people!"
Flass' Mom: "....The hell?"
DOG LIPS: "Everyone calm down! We have to maintain order here, or nipples will begin to fly! Now shuddup! ..Now... we're going to get some more deputies on the beach, and use some shark spotters to stand there and point at the sharks so we know where they are. We're also going to set up some scarecrows that look like Rosie O'Donnell in the water to try and keep the sharks away."
Stryker: "That will keep everyone away."
SweetPrima: "Chief, are you going to close the beaches?"
DOG LIPS: "Yes. Yes we are."
The huge crowd of town's folk begin to murmur and mumble loudly to themselves, creating a massive sound like two monkeys in a barrel beating each other to death with fists full of feces. Finally after a few minutes they begin to calm down.
Mr. Thing: "For how long????"
Mayor Dew: "30 minutes."
DOG LIPS: "I didn't agree to that."
Stryker: "30 minutes??? That's a lifetime for those of us who make money off the beaches with speedo stands!"
Mr. Thing: "I demand an enema!!"
Suddenly the sound of nails against a chalk board shut everyone up and had the whole crowd grinding their teeth. Everyone turned at the same time and looked to the back of the room. They saw a greasy fisherman sitting in a chair at the back of the room. Chief DL noticed there was no chalk board anywhere in sight, and the man had his hands deep in his pants. Everyone sat quietly as the man began a long and boring speech.
Flexo: "Yarrgh. Ya'll know me, know how I makes me livin'. Strippin. But I also catch sharks in me spare time. I can get yer businesses runnin again. I can catch this bad fish for ya. For $3,000.00, I'll find him and punch him. For $3,500.00, I'll kill em' and bring you his jaws. For $4,000.00, I'll kill em' and bring ya the whole fish, head, tail, fins, nipples, buttcrack. For $4,005.32, I'll do all this while wearing a pink moo-moo and a cowboy hat. Well, do you want to gimme da booty and get back to yer livin, or spend the whole winter eatin' Ramen noodles?"
DOG LIPS: "Thank you, Mr Flexo. We'll um, take it under consideration"
Flexo got to his feet and stretched out, his back popping loudly and loud farts errupting from his arse. The crowd held their noses and gagged at the smell of the man.
Flexo: "Mayor, Chief, ladies and gentlemen, good day."
The crowd watched as Flexo stood there staring at them. He seemed to be frozen in time and he stared blankly into the crowd of people. After several horrible minutes, Flexo blinked several times, then made his way to the door.
Flexo: "Mayor, Chief, ladies and gentlemen, good day."
up:
Spider-Man Luvr28
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Lmao.Speedo's...
Flexo
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25 Hours, 7 Minutes, and 29 Seconds Later (Approximatly) at the Dog Lips' Residence... A.K.A. A Cardboard Box Under a Bridge.
Dog Lips: "Nobody knows anything about sharks! They could live to be 1,000 years old and we wouldn't know it. They could've eaten Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, George Washington, Jimmy Haffa, Bill Brasky, Twitch, Elvis, Atlantis, the New York Mets, Uwe Boll's talent..."
(After a long boring list including several Flinstones characters and cowboys...)
Dog Lips: "... and we wouldn't know it! It's insane! Don't you think honey?"
Godzilla2000: "How come your never this interested in me? That's it, I'm going to have an affair with the next Oceanographic Institute worker I see!
Master Bruce: "Oh yes, she will be mine. Oh yes... She will... be mine[/Shatner]"
Dog Lips: "What was that???
Godzilla2000: "Nothing honey! Ya ungrateful bastard sack of crap..."
Dog Lips: "Honey, where's Bored?"
Godzilla2000: "He's out playing with his dingy."
Dog Lips: "THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Flexo, 'nough with the Tommy Boy jokes, ya hear me?!
Real Flexo: "Yes sir... sorry sir... it won't happen again sir."
Dog Lips: "Don't sass me, bwa
"
Dog Lips (Back in character): "So... uh... how 'bout them Packers? I... uh... back to the script... Oh, right! Get Bored out of the water! It's not safe!"
Godzilla2000: "He hasn't even put the boat in the water yet.
"
Dog Lips: "Haven't you ever heard of sunburn? Let me tell you this, it's not pleasent. And I'll be damned if I stand by and lose another child to Mr. Sun!
Godzilla2000: "Y'know, just because they have sunburn doesn't mean you have to throw them in the trash."
Dog Lips: "...Why didn't you tell me this before? "
Dog Lips: "Nobody knows anything about sharks! They could live to be 1,000 years old and we wouldn't know it. They could've eaten Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, George Washington, Jimmy Haffa, Bill Brasky, Twitch, Elvis, Atlantis, the New York Mets, Uwe Boll's talent..."
(After a long boring list including several Flinstones characters and cowboys...)
Dog Lips: "... and we wouldn't know it! It's insane! Don't you think honey?"
Godzilla2000: "How come your never this interested in me? That's it, I'm going to have an affair with the next Oceanographic Institute worker I see!
Master Bruce: "Oh yes, she will be mine. Oh yes... She will... be mine[/Shatner]"
Dog Lips: "What was that???
Godzilla2000: "Nothing honey! Ya ungrateful bastard sack of crap..."
Dog Lips: "Honey, where's Bored?"
Godzilla2000: "He's out playing with his dingy."
Dog Lips: "THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. Flexo, 'nough with the Tommy Boy jokes, ya hear me?!
Real Flexo: "Yes sir... sorry sir... it won't happen again sir."
Dog Lips: "Don't sass me, bwa
"Dog Lips (Back in character): "So... uh... how 'bout them Packers? I... uh... back to the script... Oh, right! Get Bored out of the water! It's not safe!"
Godzilla2000: "He hasn't even put the boat in the water yet.
"Dog Lips: "Haven't you ever heard of sunburn? Let me tell you this, it's not pleasent. And I'll be damned if I stand by and lose another child to Mr. Sun!
Godzilla2000: "Y'know, just because they have sunburn doesn't mean you have to throw them in the trash."
Dog Lips: "...Why didn't you tell me this before?
"
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excellent guys
i suggest me as a rugged lone wolf shark hunter
i suggest me as a rugged lone wolf shark hunter
Holly Goodhead
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sharks are my worst nightmare
Holly Goodhead
Avenger
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you wear condoms on your arms? you can put me in the story as long as i dont die and am completely naked.
you can put me in the story as long as i dont die and am completely naked.
