Jokes Thread

[Shemtov]

This is the thread for telling jokes.
And as Our Freindly neighborhood mods say: Keep it PG-13

So there was a lady and it was her husbands 50th birthday. And she wanted to buy him a pet. A very Special pet.
So she went to the pet store and asked "i need a special pet"
"ma'am, We have a talking parrot named polly-"
"Not special enough"
"We have a dog who can bark music. He's very nice-"
"Not special enough"
"We have a monkey who knows Karate."
"Not special enough"
" He's very special."
So the store atendant takes out the monkey and says "Monkey, Karate Table."
The Monkey smashes a table.
"Monkey, Karate Pink doggy sweater package"
The Monkey Smashes a pink doggie sweater package in half.
"Monkey, Karate Fish Bowl"
The Monkey shatters a fish bowl.
"ok, I'll take him."
So the lady brings the monkey home and says to her husband "this monkey knows Karate."
He says "Monkey? Karate? My balls."

 

[Raiden]

This is a joke I heard awhile ago, so I'm trying to recall it to the best of my ability:

One day a man walked into a bar. He immediately noticed a ten-inch pianist playing in the room, and despite his size the pianist was an exceptional player. So he walked up to the bartender and asked, "What's the story on this pianist?"

The bartender pointed to a lamp next to him and said "It came from here. Give it a try."

So the man rubbed the lamp, and out of a cloud of smoke a genie materized. The genie proclaimed, "I'm the Genie of the Lamp, and I will grant you one wish."

The man was very excited, and right away he said "I want one million bucks!"

The genie replied, "Wish granted", and he disappeared back into the lamp.

The man, believing that he was set for life, decided to order drinks after drinks since he had became a wealthy man. As he was drinking his beers, though, he noticed that ducks began to fly into the bar. At first, he didn't pay attention, but when their numbers increased he decided to ask the bartender, "What's going on?"

The bartender told him "They're from the wish the genie granted you. He has a hearing problem".

The man said "Well, that's impossible."

The bartender pointed to the ten-inch pianist, "How do you think the pianist came about?"

 

[Drizzle]

CashforStash walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Get the **** out!"

 

[Halloween]

Your momma's so ugly they renamed Halloween, Yourmommaween.

 

[Captain_BluTac]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

[ross2287]

Your momma's so ugly they renamed Halloween, Yourmommaween.

Two birds were sitting on a perch. One said, "I smell fish."

 

[OctaviusINC]

A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everyone knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

 

[the_ultimate_evil]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the car!"

 

[thejon93]

When a Burger King and a Ronald McDonald walk into each other in the street, they both say: "Excuse me", the end.

 

[the_ultimate_evil]

If I saw an amputee being hanged, I’d just yell out letters.

 

[thejon93]

CashforStash walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Get the **** out!"

So... Clint Eastwood's going to play Batman in the future, right?

 

[Metamorpho1977]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.



He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.



The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."



The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.



And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.



Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.



Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.



She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . She simply is not to be trusted."



The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with,

"But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, Barney Frank and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

 

[Metamorpho1977]

If I saw an amputee being hanged, I’d just yell out letters.

Wrong, but funny still.

 

[michephantom]

Two birds were sitting on a perch. One said, "I smell fish."

...I don't get it...

A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but we introduced it to women."

 

[thejon93]

Obama bails out California... Arnold's response:

Spoiler

"What did I make appearance for in 'Termination: Salvation' if California don't no need money?!"

...Because we love you Arnold:heart:

 

[Spidey-Bat]

A man is sitting on his front porch when a young boy walks by carrying chicken wire. "What are you doing with that chicken wire, boy?" he asked. "I'm going to catch chickens." The boy replied. "What? You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" the old man said.
"Yes I can." the boy replied and he continued on his way. A few hours later, he comes walking back dragging the chicken wire with several chickens in it. The man sees this and scratches his head.

The next day, the man is on his porch again and sees the boy walking by with duct tape. The man asks "What are you going to do with the duct tape?" The boy replied "Catch ducks." The old man said "You can't catch ducks with duct tape." The boy replied "Yes, I can" and continued on his way. Later in the afternoon, the boy walks by again, the roll of duct tape unraveled with several ducks stuck to it. The old man looks on in confusion.

The next day the boy walks by again and the man asks "What do you have today?". The boy replies "***** willows." The many says "Hold on, let me get my hat."

 

[Handsome Rob]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, why the long face?"

 

[Handsome Rob]

Why did Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama?
Because Ho Chi Minh was dead.

Why did Ho Chi Minh vote for Barack Obama?
Because Ho Chi Minh was dead.

And to be fair . . .

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" President Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, Mr. Bush looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

[Gilpesh]

Two birds were sitting on a perch. One said, "I smell fish."

...I don't get it...

Bird is slang for a woman.

 

[Mutagen]

Tom is in the hospital because of a bad intestinal problem. Every day a beautiful nurse comes and takes his sheets to be washed. About 30 minutes before the nurse comes that day, Tom feels the need to go number 2. He walks over to the toilet and nothing happens. This happens about three more times, and when he feels the need for a fourth time, he figures nothing will happen. Well guess what. All over his sheets, covered in crap. Not wanting the nurse to see, Tom quickly throws the sheets out the window, and onto a drunk passing by. The drunk starts punching, kicking the sheets until it is on the ground with him jumping on it. A security guard that happened to be watching, comes over and asks the drunk;

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The drunk replies;

"I'm not too sure, but I think I just kicked the s*** out of a ghost!"

 

[ross2287]

...I don't get it...

Bird is slang for a woman.

:facepalm

Perch is a type of fish. Incidentally, birds are often seeing perching.

Get it now?

 

[Gilpesh]

Perch is a type of fish. Incidentally, birds are often seeing perching.

I like my explanation better. Cause it means that it is two women and one of them has poor feminine hygiene.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

If we're going to have this thread, things must be kept clean!

 

[Gilpesh]

Bamfer.... say it ain't so... no Aristocrats?

 

[thejon93]

CoNv3Rs@t10nS with "Papa Bear" Bill O'Reilly​

thejon93: Who are you again?
Bill O'Reilly: I'm Bill O'Reilly.
thejon93: Of course you are.
Reilly: Yes.
thejon93: First off, I just want to-
Reilly: What?...
thejon93: I don't know, but whatever it is, it's not right on the teleprompter.
Reilly: Oh.
Teleprompter Guy: No, it should be on there, you're just not reading it.
Reilly: You need glasses?
thejon93: No, I don't need glasses! I need to know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing over here... You're up there, jerking yourself off to the internet, while I'm trying to overcome O'Reilly's factor over here. What don't you understand?...
Teleprompter Guy: *didn't respond*
thejon93: What don't you ----ing understand, dammit?!
Teleprompter Guy: Look, the teleprompter's broken so you'll have to read it off of the pages.
thejon93: *looks down at papers; reads through them real quickly, then drops them down on the floor* I can't do it... We'll do it live.
Teleprompter Guy: Okay.
Reilly: Oh, sh-
thejon93: WE'LL DO IT LIVE, ---- IT! DO IT LIVE! I can go- I'll write it and we'll do it live.
Reilly: *picks up papers* It's already typed, Jon.
thejon93: *ignores Reilly* ----in' thing SUCKS!​