Not-at-all-Original-Publications presents: The Hype Cave Expedition!

[bored]

The news was everywhere. A group of intrepid explorers had discovered a series of caves in Vietnam which had a large river running through them, complete with vegetation and who knows what other kinds of life. In some corners of the world, this was incredibly exciting news, because it was strange, unexpected, and not depressing (as most news tends to be).

While a family of spelunkers had already seen part of the cave, there was another group of people who had decided to beat them to the bunch. In exploring the entirety of the caves, that was. That is. However that works. I don't know, read up on it.

Immortalfire: Okay soldiers, the exposition has been taken care of! Now, it's time for the briefing!

The Guard: I have a question.

Immortalfire: Yes?

The Guard: Since when were we soldiers?

Immortalfire: I was a member of the Merchant Marines, and I am officially deputizing all of you!

The Original Bamfer: No you weren't.

Immortalfire: Was too!

The Original Bamfer: Also, a "merchant marine" isn't a military figure of any kind.

Immortalfire: Just who is in charge here?

The Original Bamfer: Technically, both of us.

Immortalfire: Quiet, you!

Immortalfire pulled a tazer out of his jacket and shocked his fellow moderator.

Immortalfire: Right, so where were we? Ah, yes, the cave in Vietnam. Its name is Hang Son Doong. Stop laughing!

bored: Nobody was laughing.

Immortalfire: Quiet, you! Where the hell did my tazer go?

Frustrated, he pulled out a slingshot from his pocket and shot a dispenser of Scotch tape at bored's forehead.

Immortalfire: Teach you to have a name starting with a lower-case letter. Now, Hang Son Doong cave currently seems to be like a jungle, but inside. I need to make this absolutely clear to you all, this is a jungle full of exotic plants, and possibly wildlife, potentially featuring mystery, danger, and adventure, and you can physically explore it without being outside. I don't need to tell you, this would be any nerd's dream come true. Therefore, it is our responsibility to survey it and make sure it is worth the trip out.

bored: So what will we be doing, exactly?

Immortalfire: Spelunking!

bored: To what end?

Immortalfire: Oh, I don't know. Make sure there's no poison ivy. See if you get wireless in there. Whatever you do, bring an extra set of pants. You'll understand why.

The Original Bamfer: Mmmmm....

Aesop Rocks: Is he going to be okay?

Immortalfire: He'll be fine. We ship out tomorrow, everyone. Pack up and meet us at the boat at Chair a.m.

bored: When?

The Guard: That early?

 

[The Squirrel]

Oh yes. Subscribe.

 

[bored]

Due to budget constrictions, Superhero Hype Conglomerated... Things could no longer send its slav... employees places in private jets. They did, however, splurge on the occasional commercial airline flights. The rest of the time, travel was limited to rental cars, motorcycles with sidecars, and the occasional giant trebuchet.

Today, they would be taking the commercial plane. It could seat over a hundred people, but it would only be taking twenty. Not because the airline had trouble selling the seats, or because SHHC...T had bought them all to make room for equipment. The other people in the terminal caught a whiff of twenty nerds gathered together, thought about the prospect of being on a trans-oceanic flight with them, and just sort of collectively ran off. A few people were crying and calling their loved ones to explain their new-found appreciation for them.

But I digress.

The crew entered the airplane, with the two moderators taking up all of first-class.

bored: Only the cool kids are allowed in coach, anyway!

Some people are great at rationalizing.

Immortalfire: Okay everyone, before the plane takes off, we've got some stuff we need to go over. When we land in Vietnam, we'll-

Dread: Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking.

Immortalfire: Dammit, stop him! I have things to say!

AndThePickles: I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to wait until the captain finishes addressing the passengers.

Immortalfire: These passengers are all my men!

Aesop Rocks: I already told you, that contract you got after the poker game wasn't legally binding.

Immortalfire: Seriously?

Aesop Rocks: I had a lawyer look at it and everything.



One month previous...

Morg: Um, Aesop?

Aesop Rocks: Yes?

Morg: This is legally binding. He actually owns you now.



Immortalfire: Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?

Aesop Rocks: I... I thought you knew!



One month previous...

Morg: You had this thing notarized? Why would you even do that?



Dread: We'll be flying from Hype-Seattle to Vietnam City today. Our flight will take approximately seven hours.

bored: Shouldn't it take longer than that?

Harls: Vietnam City?

Dread: For those who have been wondering, Vietnam City was established two weeks ago. It was part of an ongoing effort to make all foreign countries seem safe and appealing to white people. So far, it's been working out great. They have a Denny's now, and rumor is there will be a Chuck E. Cheese at some point in the near future. The local temperature is 88 degrees Kirby, which is Nerd-Speak for Fahrenheit. If you were wondering, the equivalent of Celsius is Romita, and the equivalent of Kelvin is... Well, nothing, because nobody gives a crap about temperatures given in Kelvin, so we didn't bother to come up with something.

Our flight will be significantly shorter than usual, due to a strong tailwind, a new kind of jet-fuel we're using synthesized from cans of 4Loko, and the fact that I really don't like my copilot, and wish to get done with this trip with him as soon as possible.

Immortalfire: Shut up for a second!

AndThePickles: He can't hear you, sir. The captain is in the cockpit.

Immortalfire: That. Is. OBSCENE.

Matt: Hi everyone, this is your copilot speaking. I'd just like to let you know that I do not apologize for the Dave Chapelle tattoo covering the left side of my face, and the captain just needs to accept it.

The Original Bamfer: 'Fire, why don't you just wait until after take-off to address our people?

Immortalfire: I am in charge! I take precedence!

AndThePickles: Sir, you are a passenger on a commercial flight. Please be patient.

Dread: This is your captain speaking again. That tattoo is degrading not only to my copilot, but to all airline pilots around the world. Now, I refuse to allow my copilot to have the last word, so if you'll please buckle your seatbelts, put your tray tables up, and move your seats to their full upright positions, we can take off. Also, to the loud gentleman in first class who keeps trying to assert himself, dis be mah plane, and y'all ain't da boss here, ya got dat? That's right, I could hear you. I've secretly placed microphones all around the cabin so that I can learn all your secrets and blackmail you later. It's a little side-business of mine, and you all consented to it by entering the plane. It's totally legit.



One month previous...

Morg: Wow, this is a hell of a business model. Yeah, go for it. Hey, did I tell you about the guy that came in this morning. He totally enslaved himself in a poker game.



The airplane took off, and the captain spent an hour describing the coastline of Hype-Seattle, how it got that way, and what it meant in the greater scheme of of the Pacific northwest coastline. After ten minutes of explaining why Hype-Seattle had to stay at least fifty feet away from real Seattle at all times, Immortalfire finally had the chance to speak.

Immortalfire: Gentlemen, we will be in Vietnam very soon. As you may or may not know, we are going to explore a massive cave system which contains what is basically an underground jungle.

bored: Yeah, you explained that to us already. Like, two days ago.

Immortalfire pulled out his tazer and hit bored with it.

AndThePickles: Sir, how did you get that on board?

Immortalfire: By walking up to him, of course.

AndThePickles: No, I mean-

The Original Bamfer: It's best not to ask. Just note how little he's sat down since he got on the plane.

Immortalfire: We have about half of hour equipment on this plane. Some of you may discover upon arrival in Vietnam that you no longer have luggage. That is so we did not have to pay the extra bag fees. Seriously, we had to give up a crew member just to get the terrarium for my pet rock on the plane.



Meanwhile, back at the airport in Hype-Seattle...

squeekness: Fine. I didn't want to go on your stupid expedition anyway



Immortalfire: Once in Vietnam, we will purchase the rest of our equipment off of the black market. We may have to trade another crew member to afford some of it. Chaseter, you may want to stock up on penicillin.

Chaseter: Why would I... Actually, don't answer that.

Immortalfire: Once we're stocked up, we'll begin. Now, I know we went over this two days ago, but unless bored objects to us reviewing it again...

bored: ...

Immortalfire: Man, I really cranked up the stun gun while it was in my colon, didn't I? Okay, so... We'll be spelunking. Fun word, there. And hopefully stumbling upon exotic plants and animals. If you are eaten by a carnivorous plant, your loved ones will be compensated via a book of coupons valid only in Idaho. If we stumble upon any dinosaurs, you are required to allow me to ride them first. You all agreed to that when you were forced to undertake this mission.



One month previous...

Morg: You're not going to find dinosaurs.

Immortalfire: Contingency plan, Morg. C'mon, say it's okay.

Morg: Know what? This isn't even the craziest thing I've seen today, so yeah, go for it.