Okay now what do i do next?

Here is a little something thing. It takes place somewhat ealy on into the movie. i Say about 20 minutes in or so.

This scene takes place at a bar at night time in Ca.

A Fews hours pass by like nothing.

Josh: Hey Seth look it's your women Stacy.

Seth: WHERE!

Chris : Over there stupid.

Josh: Hey Seth why don't you go over there and talk to her? Since your always talking about her.

Seth: Are you out of your mind? Do you know who that is?

Josh: It's justa person no different then from me or you.

Chris: dude i thinjk she'sa little overrated anyway if you ask me.

Seth: You out of your mind? She has to be my perfect dream girl.
I would do anything for her. Including fighting for her.

Chris: Dude your freaking me out a little.

Josh: Sounds like someone had a few to many drinks tonight?

Seth: Josh you might want to take Chris back to the hotel room.
I'll stay here and have a few more drinks before heading to the hotel.

Chris: (voice all slurred) What do you mean i'm drunk? (Chris falls off chair)

Josh: I'll catch you back at the hotel then man. I got to get this wild man back to the hotel before he hurts himself.

Seth: See ya then man.


Yelling And Fighting In Distance

Boyfriend: What do you mean your breaking up with me you stupid *****?!

Stacy: Your drunk don't say something you can't take back. Plus i caught you cheating with my bestfriend.

Boyfriend: What that **** of a friend you call tina?

Stacy: You also slept with Tina!? I was talking about Sarah.

Boyfriend: Who cares you ****es all look the same to me!

Stacy: Goodbye Tom.

Tom: Your not going anywhere you ****! (Smacks Stacy across the face. As his hand rose back for the second time someone caught his hand)

Seth: Is there a problem here?

Tom: None Of your business jerk off!

Seth: Oh I think it is numb nuts.

Seth: Oh I think it's a problem when a guy like you puts his mits on a woman as beatiful as Stacy.

Tom: You better get out of here before i do something i'll regret like pound your face into the pavement.

Seth: If your looking to start a fight i'll be the one that ends it.


Tom takes a swing at Seth and he ducks under the punch and grabs his arm
and pulls it behind his back into a hammerlock postion and pushes him against the wall.


Seth: Now are you gonna leave her alone? Say it! and i'll let your arm go.

Tom: Ok i'll leave her alone.

Seth: Here i'm gonna let you go and i don't want to see you around her.


Seth Walks Over to Stacy.

Seth: He did not hurt you did he?

Stacy: No i'm ok it's juat a little bruise. I've had much worse happend to me.

Seth: All right.

Stacy: LOOK OUT!

Tom Charges At Seth With A Bottle

Seth: Ok where do it the hard way then!

Seth Punches Tom Right In the Face.
Tom Drops Like A Rock Bleeding from the face
A Broken Nose Amd Several Teeth Knocked Out,


Stacy: Seth do you want to get out of here with me?

Seth: I would love to but there is onething i need to do.


Seth Grabs Napkins From a Nearby Table And Gives
Them to A Bloody Tom. Picks Up Teeth From Ground
And Gives Them To Him

Seth: Here I think these belong to you. Plus you might want to go to the hopital and let a doctor check you out.
 
Have you created a logline for your movie?
 
BlackHardKnight said:
Have you created a logline for your movie?
Click to expand...
A logine? Whats that? Like i said i'm fiarly new to this. And that's why i'm asking questions on here.
 
Did you use Movie Magic or Final Draft Pro to write your script to format?
 
BlackHardKnight said:
Did you use Movie Magic or Final Draft Pro to write your script to format?
Click to expand...
No i didn't use any of those things. What are they?
 
JAL, you're going to have to learn to take even unconstructive criticism over your work. You'll hear much worse than what Brodie's slinging at you in the business you're trying to enter, I can guarantee.

So, here's the thing with the piece of your script you posted. BHK dropped some excellent advice on you, and whoever it was that suggested you get the eyes of a writer's group for proofreading purposes was on the money because you have quite a few grammatical and spelling errors that immediately undermine the credibility of your work. You want to be able to put things in the best possible light and any small thing that might make someone who could potentially buy your script not take you seriously is important to pay attention to.

As far as the content of the piece you posted, here is some honest input. Everyone who's been to the movies has seen this exact scene played out countless times in countless films. There's nothing here that treads new ground or puts a new spin on an old cliche' to make it stand out. The other issue you face is that your dialogue reinforces this problem and, to be quite frank, is relatively uninteresting and slightly remedial. I'm not saying this to tear you down in any way, but dialogue needs to grab an audience and pull them in. If it's too "every day" or mundane, it won't accomplish that. Films are a form of escapism wherein the audience can enjoy a respite from the real world. If a film is TOO MUCH like the real world, replete with boring conversations, you'll lose your audience. Make sense?

I hope that helps. Good luck.
jag
 
J Alba's Lover said:
No he's just being a ******* cause he always is. He always is in every single post of his directed at me.
Click to expand...

Well, good God. Ignore him, then. You seriously better grow a thicker skin if you want to get into the entertainment industry or you will get eaten alive. There are people working in that area that make Brodie look like Sister Freakin' Theresa.

And my input still stands.

jag
 
So what would you suggest to make the dialogue have more of a kick according to you?
 
Did i forget to mention this is a rough draft? So there's due to be some errors since i didn't use that one program that corrects the error.
 
I kind of want to write a script.




Eh, I'd probably just quit halfway into it. :csad:
 
J Alba's Lover said:
Here is a little something thing. It takes place somewhat ealy on into the movie. i Say about 20 minutes in or so.

This scene takes place at a bar at night time in Ca.

A Fews hours pass by like nothing.

Josh: Hey Seth look it's your women Stacy.

Seth: WHERE!

Chris : Over there stupid.

Josh: Hey Seth why don't yougo over there andtalk to her? Since your always talking about her.

Seth: Are you out of your mind? Do you know who that is?

Josh: It's justa person no different then from me or you.

Chris: dude i thinjk she'sa little overrated anyway if you ask me.

Seth: You out of your mind? She has to be my perfect dream girl. I would do anything for her. Including fighting for her.

Chris: Dude your freaking me out a little.

Josh: Sounds like someone had a few to many drinks tonight?

Seth: Josh you might want to take Chris back to the hotel room. I'll stay here and have a few more drinks before heading to the hotel.

Chris: (voice all slurred) What do you mean i'm drunk? (Chris falls off chair)

Josh: I'll catch you back at the hotel then man. I got to get this wild man back to the hotel before he hurts himself.

Seth: See ya then man.


Yelling And Fighting In Distance

Boyfriend: What do you mean your breaking up with me you stupid *****?!

Stacy: Your drunk don't say something you can't take back. Plus i caught you cheating with my bestfriend.

Boyfriend: What that **** of a friend you call tina?

Stacy: You also slept with Tina!? I was talking about Sarah.

Boyfriend: Who cares you ****es all look the same to me!

Stacy: Goodbye Tom.

Tom: Your not going anywhere you ****! (Smacks Stacy across the face. As his hand rose back for the second time someone caught his hand)

Seth: Is there a problem here?

Tom: None Of your business jerk off!

Seth: Oh I think it is numb nuts.

Seth: Oh I think it's a problem when a guy like you puts his mits on a woman as beatiful as Stacy.

Tom: You better get out of here before i do something i'll regret like pound your face into the pavement.

Seth: If your looking to start a fight i'll be the one that ends it.


Tom takes a swing at Seth and he ducks under the punch and grabs his arm
and pulls it behind his back into a hammerlock postion and pushes him against the wall.


Seth: Now are you gonna leave her alone? Say it! and i'll let your arm go.

Tom: Ok i'll leave her alone.

Seth: Here i'm gonna let you go and i don't want to see you around her.


Seth Walks Over to Stacy.

Seth: He did not hurt you did he?

Stacy: No i'm ok it's juat a little bruise. I've had much worse happend to me.

Seth: All right.

Stacy: LOOK OUT!

Tom Charges At Seth With A Bottle

Seth: Ok where do it the hard way then!

Seth Punches Tom Right In the Face.
Tom Drops Like A Rock Bleeding from the face
A Broken Nose Amd Severe Teeth Knocked Out,


Stacy: Seth do you want to get out of here with me?

Seth: I would love to but there is onething i need to do.


Seth Grabs Napkins From a Nearby Table And Gives
Them to A Bloody Tom. Picks Up Teeth From Ground
And Gives Them To Him

Seth: Here I think these belong to you. Plus you might want to go to the hopital and let a doctor check you out.
Click to expand...

Its midnight in vegas, i'm bored so im going to help ya.

Your script lacks direction. Ok, what kind of bar is this? gay? lesbian? how is the lighting, etc. Describe your enviorment more, so we the audience can get a better feel of what is going on.

You forgot the key basics in script wrting. The format for oneis way off! Do you know the standard format? the text? It needs to be size 10 or 12 Courier New.

INT and EXT. Never forget these. NEVER. Look these terms up if you dont know what they are. With out them your script will be laughed and rip to shreds.....like this one. :(

Oh, and Final Draft is free via download. Word of caution it crashes way easy, so save every 2 minutes. There are plenty of books to help you with your screenwriting, and buddy you need it.
http://www.amazon.com/Screenwriters...=pd_bbs_2/104-3518674-6728760?ie=UTF8&s=books

http://www.amazon.com/Screenwriting...1/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3/104-3518674-6728760?ie=UTF8

There ya go. You can find these at any bookstore, so dont worry about not having a credit card.
If you want to get better you have to, read more scripts. read more books. stop throwing a hissy fit when strangers put you down and like said before, grow some thicker skin.

good luck. :)
 
Sorry dood. But. The. Uh. Dialogue is kinda. Bleh. :dry: And the format looks like one for a stageplay.
 
JAL first thing you need to do is get a script writing program...

Next get some books on screenwriting and dialogue...trust me it helps.

Also you will have to grow some thick skin my friend...I have 5 scripts I've been shopping around for 7 years now....it not a easy biz to break into.

Another good idea would be make a short script about something that you could make into a mini movie. Find out where your local film school is and try to talk to some of the students there.

Also get to know the lingo it is very important you do.
 
J Alba's Lover said:
Here is a little something thing. It takes place somewhat ealy on into the movie. i Say about 20 minutes in or so.

This scene takes place at a bar at night time in Ca.

A Fews hours pass by like nothing.

Josh: Hey Seth look it's your women Stacy.

Seth: WHERE!

Chris : Over there stupid.

Josh: Hey Seth why don't yougo over there andtalk to her? Since your always talking about her.

Seth: Are you out of your mind? Do you know who that is?

Josh: It's justa person no different then from me or you.
Click to expand...

I'm not a writer JAL, but just a few things I've noticed. This comment that Josh says is an example, it just doesn't sound how a regular person speaks.

J Alba's Lover said:
Chris: dude i thinjk she'sa little overrated anyway if you ask me.

Seth: You out of your mind? She has to be my perfect dream girl. I would do anything for her. Including fighting for her.
Click to expand...
Too much over the top dialogue. "Including fighting for her." Even when I was younger and in love with that unattainable girl, I was never that dramatic.

J Alba's Lover said:
Chris: Dude your freaking me out a little.

Josh: Sounds like someone had a few to many drinks tonight?

Seth: Josh you might want to take Chris back to the hotel room. I'll stay here and have a few more drinks before heading to the hotel.

Chris: (voice all slurred) What do you mean i'm drunk? (Chris falls off chair)

Josh: I'll catch you back at the hotel then man. I got to get this wild man back to the hotel before he hurts himself.

Seth: See ya then man.


Yelling And Fighting In Distance

Boyfriend: What do you mean your breaking up with me you stupid *****?!

Stacy: Your drunk don't say something you can't take back. Plus i caught you cheating with my bestfriend.

Boyfriend: What that **** of a friend you call tina?

Stacy: You also slept with Tina!? I was talking about Sarah.

Boyfriend: Who cares you ****es all look the same to me!

Stacy: Goodbye Tom.

Tom: Your not going anywhere you ****! (Smacks Stacy across the face. As his hand rose back for the second time someone caught his hand)

Seth: Is there a problem here?
Click to expand...

The guy smacks the girl down, and Seth wonders what the problem is?

J Alba's Lover said:
Tom: None Of your business jerk off!

Seth: Oh I think it is numb nuts.

Seth: Oh I think it's a problem when a guy like you puts his mits on a woman as beatiful as Stacy.
Click to expand...
Again no one talks this way. And talking about her beauty in the midst of a fight is unnecessary

J Alba's Lover said:
Tom: You better get out of here before i do something i'll regret like pound your face into the pavement.

Seth: If your looking to start a fight i'll be the one that ends it.


Tom takes a swing at Seth and he ducks under the punch and grabs his arm
and pulls it behind his back into a hammerlock postion and pushes him against the wall.


Seth: Now are you gonna leave her alone? Say it! and i'll let your arm go.

Tom: Ok i'll leave her alone.

Seth: Here i'm gonna let you go and i don't want to see you around her.


Seth Walks Over to Stacy.

Seth: He did not hurt you did he?

Stacy: No i'm ok it's juat a little bruise. I've had much worse happend to me.

Seth: All right.

Stacy: LOOK OUT!

Tom Charges At Seth With A Bottle

Seth: Ok where do it the hard way then!

Seth Punches Tom Right In the Face.
Tom Drops Like A Rock Bleeding from the face
A Broken Nose Amd Severe Teeth Knocked Out,


Stacy: Seth do you want to get out of here with me?

Seth: I would love to but there is onething i need to do.


Seth Grabs Napkins From a Nearby Table And Gives
Them to A Bloody Tom. Picks Up Teeth From Ground
And Gives Them To Him

Seth: Here I think these belong to you. Plus you might want to go to the hopital and let a doctor check you out.
Click to expand...
There is a lot of unnecessary talking especially in a fight, not to mention no offense JAL, a lot of the dialogue is hokey (having to say the girl is beautiful). "Numb nuts", "mits", I'm not sure people talk that way anymore.

I think your best bet JAL if you are really serious about writing is go to the local library and borrow some Screenplay writer books or something to that effect. Someone mentioned the INT, EXT parts already. You should really pick some of those books up to better format your script.
 
I'm going to throw my two cents in here, but first I'll say that I've never finished even one draft, my spelling is crap and my dialogue leaves alot to be desired. That being said just think less is more. You wrote far to much dialogue and it is repetitive. It is called motion pictures, you (as well as myself) need to learn to describe things better. We need to see these things in our heads not read a bunch of cumbersum dialogue. Less is more.
 
There is something called the "poorman's copyright". That's when you make a copy of your script, put it in an envelope and mail it back to yourself and don't open it.
 
J Alba's Lover said:
I've used the spell check on my computer. There's a thing that underlines it if it's not right. A Green line if it's not capitolized and Red for grammar mistakes.
Click to expand...

Umm, I haven't gone through this whole thread to see if anyone addressed this, but spellcheck barely catches ANY errors. You really need to have it professionally edited if you plan on sending it to anyone and having them take it seriously.
 
J Alba's Lover said:
Okay i get it i suck. You don't need to say anything I'll just stop what i'm doing than.


Here i thought i was actually doing something good but it was just another screw up. It's not like it's a surprise my whole life is a screw up.

Thanks for saving me the embrassment.

So anyone need there bathroom cleaned? Since apparently that's all i can really do. Cause i'm too much of a dumbass to comprehand anything thst needs actually skills.
Click to expand...

Ok, here's another suggestion: Stop acting emo and BE CONFIDENT!! Seriously, getting anything published takes lots of confidence in your work, and lots of trial and error. Did you know that Harry Potter got turned down by every publisher except for a lady who received it by mistake? You're going to get rejected, and probably a lot. But be confident and keep putting your work out there, and keep revising.

Also, I hope you read my post about how you need to actually get your script edited- spellcheck ain't gonna do it. Editing involves waay more than something spellcheck would discover, not only for spelling and grammar purposes, but also for plot, characters, etc.
 
J Alba's Lover said:
Okay i get it i suck. You don't need to say anything I'll just stop what i'm doing than.


Here i thought i was actually doing something good but it was just another screw up. It's not like it's a surprise my whole life is a screw up.

Thanks for saving me the embrassment.

So anyone need there bathroom cleaned? Since apparently that's all i can really do. Cause i'm too much of a dumbass to comprehand anything thst needs actually skills.
Click to expand...

I think I was being honest about your script. I really think you need to either take a class or go to the library and take out some Screenwriting books. Maybe also pick up some creative writing books as well.

If you look past most of the insults, a lot of people were trying to help you and like somebody said, you need to grow a thick skin in this business.
 
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