Public Restroom and Bowel Movement noises.

[Lantern Venom]

Once I get into the restroom, I'm in the appropriate "cut loose" area. I fart loud enough to shake the rafters and I make piles of poop which would shock King Kong himself. I"ll clean up properly after I'm done but I pity you if you happen to be in the restroom where I am because, quite honestly, I enjoy the event.

 

[Addendum]

Yeah, but it's a PUBLIC bathroom. It's always something you should do privately, but now in PUBLIC. That's why people have problems with it. So it's kind of nerve racking.

Dude, it's not like they're taking a dump in the middle of the damn store or work. They're having that dump in the bathroom like any other civilized person. If you have a problem with it, either take care of business at home or hold it in till you get home.

Guess what though. When you're in your bathroom at home, you're still going to hear the same sounds

 

[Eggyman]

There's a guy at my work's that's always talking on his mobile while he evacuates his guts. I go in to wash my hands or take a whiz and hear him yammering to some poor person who probably has no idea.

 

[Majic Walrus]

At my office there is an abandoned bathroom that used to be used by one of the executives until he got canned. Everyday I sneak to this bathroom and jimmy the lock and let loose. No one uses it and very few people even know that it exists.

I've started keeping spare comics and magazines in there. If I can get an ethernet connection I might just start doing all my work there too.

 

[Erzengel]

I can't do a number 2 in a public bathroom. I have to wait til I get home unless it's a dire emergency.

 

[Knightsaber Priss]

There's a guy at my work's that's always talking on his mobile while he evacuates his guts. I go in to wash my hands or take a whiz and hear him yammering to some poor person who probably has no idea.

That's when you can have some real fun and make the person on the other line the guy's talking to get creeped out by mentioning how great the acoustics are in that bathroom or something.

 

[Immortalfire]

These delightful stories have reminded me raise up the Bathroom Survival Guide

1. CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your person.

2. FLY BY
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

3. ESCAPEE
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

4. JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

5. WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in on you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the following explanation of the Courtesy Flush.

6. COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the aforementioned Walk Of Shame.

7. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
This is someone who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm, or sometimes they might have a ready-made reading pile at their favorite toilet. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


8. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify the following Safe Havens.

9. SAFE HAVENS
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

10. BURGLAR
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

11. WATERMELON
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.

12. CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon, or to alert potential Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

13. ASTAIRE
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Burglars that you are occupying a stall This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the occupant can poop in peace.

14. HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

15. UNCLE TODD
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

 

[Majic Walrus]

^

Poop jokes are the things that make my work worth going to.

 

[terry78]

My concern is less with the noise and how mother****ers can actually MISS the toilet when taking a crap. Peeing I can get because every guy has done that, but dropping a deuce...no.

 

[knowsbleed]

 

[Carcharodon]

My concern is less with the noise and how mother****ers can actually MISS the toilet when taking a crap. Peeing I can get because every guy has done that, but dropping a deuce...no.

My dad had explosive diarrhea once. He went into a McDonald's, dropped trou' and didn't make it to the seat.

It was, according to him, a glorious and terrifying explosion and splatter the likes of which may never have been seen.

 

[Dark Donnie]

These delightful stories have reminded me raise up the Bathroom Survival Guide

1. CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your person.

2. FLY BY
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

3. ESCAPEE
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

4. JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

5. WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in on you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the following explanation of the Courtesy Flush.

6. COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the aforementioned Walk Of Shame.

7. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
This is someone who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm, or sometimes they might have a ready-made reading pile at their favorite toilet. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


8. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify the following Safe Havens.

9. SAFE HAVENS
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

10. BURGLAR
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

11. WATERMELON
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.

12. CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon, or to alert potential Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

13. ASTAIRE
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Burglars that you are occupying a stall This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the occupant can poop in peace.

14. HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

15. UNCLE TODD
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

What a list

 

[Immortalfire]

Once at Turner Field in Atlanta, I saw a huge poop log sticking straight up out of a toilet. :gag:

 

[SoulManX]

*wipes a tear*

 

[PyroChamber]

Nothing worse then having to go to the restroom then as soon as you sit on the toilet the damn door opens. And the first thing they'll say is "somebody in here takin' a ****".

 

[terry78]

Nothing worse then having to go to the restroom then as soon as you sit on the toilet the damn door opens. And the first thing they'll say is "somebody in here takin' a ****".

That was pretty much par for the course in high school. You could not take a **** in the public restroom unless you went when everyone else was in class.

 

[PyroChamber]

That was pretty much par for the course in high school. You could not take a **** in the public restroom unless you went when everyone else was in class.

That reminds me of when I was going to college. The school was right under a mall, so whenever I'd have to go I'd just go right upstairs to the mall restroom.

 

[Captain Planet!]

 

[The Apatow Crew]

I usually try to hold it, to do it at my old place. I only do it if i feel i can't.

 

[Evelisse]

I dont have a problem with the noises, that comes with the territory. What I do have issues with are stall door and corner gaps, no one likes to see anyone or anything, and if there is a said gap and some one walks by you, no matter what, they always see each other eye to eye for a brief second.

Either way its always a shnitty situation.

 

[terry78]

I dont have a problem with the noises, that comes with the territory. What I do have issues with are stall door and corner gaps, no one likes to see anyone or anything, and if there is a said gap and some one walks by you, no matter what, they always see each other eye to eye for a brief second.

Either way its always a shnitty situation.

Like a horror movie. They always see you, and you see them, and you try to hold your breath and not move thinking that makes you invisible.

 

[SoulManX]

Like a horror movie. They always see you, and you see them, and you try to hold your breath and not move thinking that makes you invisible.

 

[PWN3R]

This reminds me:
I go to this Barnes and Nobles one day and I use the bathrooms (my Barnes and Nobels is really nice but my goodness they have the nastiest bathroom ever...its like a gas station bathroom and its really small, only one stall and 2 urinals)...well anyway Im using the urinals and I hear Pffffttttttt-plkk -Puuuufttttt....Giant wet fart, I giggle a little bit but at the same time Im holding my breath because yeah...it was a wet one
Anyways the guy comes out and rinses his hands for 2 seconds and leaves....WTF!!! When you have diarhea at least have the decency to wash your hands WITH soap...and if not at least rinse for 30 seconds, AT LEAST!! ...thats how people get e-coli and s***!!! ...no pun intended

It's hilarious you mention this, because I work at a Barnes and Nobles and it has the most ****ing, vile, degrading, un-nerving, and quite dangerous bathroom I've ever encountered.

People always taking ****s on the floor. I mean REALLY? How the hell do you even manage to pull that off? I mean seriously HOW? ****. Floor. Whaaaaat?

That or porn. Porn and ****.

So yeah, the moral of this post is that Barnes and Noble is nothing but butt hole stench and ****.

Sadface.

 

[PWN3R]

In a related story, I don't get the guys who grunt when they pee. Like they've been holding their breath for half an hour.

Dude yes! This has always baffled me and it's quite hard not to laugh or feel wrong when it happens next to you. Then sometimes you hear that leak afterwards, short squirts, over and over, then the grunting....

Plus you have the ones that lean when they pee? Because apparently that makes you even more bad ass in the Man's Guidebook to Urinating. Lol wut.

Public Restrooms are serious business.

 

[Anubis]

I remember one time I walked into a bathroom and found a big turd sitting on the toilet seat with a cigarette stuck in it. I didn't know what to do, so I took a picture of it with my phone and went to the other bathroom on the other side of the building.