Relationship Help: (At least semi-serious, please)

[jaguarr]

Pretty much everyone here is right-on about it being less painful and simpler to break it off right now. It's easier on both of you.
I'm gonna make it worse for you and tell you this:

I fell in love with a good female friend at the end of my senior year. We had a couple of "false starts" at a relationship over the summer and then she went to a college in Minnesota (I'm in Maryland). During the winter break of freshman year, we started something up for real this time, and though we both "knew" that long-distance relationships "don't work," we tried it. A few months later she wanted to break it off because it was very hard, but she changed her mind. We were long-distance for 2 and a half years when she came home and transferred to the school I went to.

We've been together for over 5 years now, are engaged and live together. We have a cat. Things were hard then and they're somewhat hard now (as serious relationships tend to be), but it was worth the struggle.

It's possible I gave you a glimmer of hope just now, and for that I am truly sorry.




P.S.: NYC isn't nearly as far from Pennsylvania as Minnesota is from Maryland. Certainly makes visiting easier.

Herr, congrats to you and your lady for surviving the long distance thing. My wife and I did it for over two years before we got married. It's difficult, but not impossible.

jag

 

[Herr Logan]

Herr the only thing I want to add is the fact that if she does come back to him won't one of the reasons maybe that she "struck out" at college and is only going back to him as a second choice?

He shouldn't have to be that especially since she's the one forcing the break up because she thinks the grass is greener on the single side.

I'm not saying "set her free, she may come back." That's one of the tritest things I've ever heard. Obviously it's true in some cases, and it's not in others. That kind of folk wisdom is practically useless if you think it should be followed as a rule. I value anecdotal evidence more than folk wisdom in this kind of situation, and anecdotal evidence is pretty useless, too.
I'm saying that if they keep the relationship they have now and resolve to make it work, it could potentially last.

If she wants to break up so she can "explore her options," then he should probably quit right now and not start up again. If someone's looking for greener pastures, then keep 'em off your lawn if they come back to you. Attractive alternatives show up all the way through life, and a lot of people aren't wearing blinders (i.e. they don't consciously or unconsciously keep themselves from looking for attractive alternatives).
I encourage people risking heartache over a mutual, untainted breakup. I do NOT encourage risking being cheated on, and I have zero respect for anyone who would take back someone who cheated on them. I don't care how lonely or in love you are; if you let someone back into your life who betrayed you, you deserve every bit of the pain they have and will cause you in the future.

 

[Herr Logan]

Herr, congrats to you and your lady for surviving the long distance thing. My wife and I did it for over two years before we got married. It's difficult, but not impossible.

jag

Thanks, Jag. Congrats to you and your lady as well.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm not saying "set her free, she may come back." That's one of the tritest things I've ever heard. Obviously it's true in some cases, and it's not in others. That kind of folk wisdom is practically useless if you think it should be followed as a rule. I value anecdotal evidence more than folk wisdom in this kind of situation, and anecdotal evidence is pretty useless, too.
I'm saying that if they keep the relationship they have now and resolve to make it work, it could potentially last.

If she wants to break up so she can "explore her options," then he should probably quit right now and not start up again. If someone's looking for greener pastures, then keep 'em off your lawn if they come back to you. Attractive alternatives show up all the way through life, and a lot of people aren't wearing blinders (i.e. they don't consciously or unconsciously keep themselves from looking for attractive alternatives).
I encourage people risking heartache over a mutual, untainted breakup. I do NOT encourage risking being cheated on, and I have zero respect for anyone who would take back someone who cheated on them. I don't care how lonely or in love you are; if you let someone back into your life who betrayed you, you deserve every bit of the pain they have and will cause you in the future.

From his original post it sounds like she's looking at sunnier pastures when she goes away and she doesn't want to bring a boyfriend into this new part of her life.

I've known guys and girls who have broken up with their high school sweethearts because they didn't want to be tied down during college. While that even back then bothers me, I understand their feelings of "missing out".

 

[passerby]

If you try to keep her eventually one of you will get wasted at some party and then you will ruin it.

 

[Dorian Gray]

I've been going out with this girl for about a month, and everything was going great, and out of nowhere she tells me she wants to break up because she doesn't want a relationship right now, and never really wanted a boyfriend going into college (we're seniors; moving away in August). I can't let her just slip away. She says she's confused and doesn't know what she wants... she looked upset today in school... she said she doesnt wanna get attached and then have to leave for school (shes going to PA, I'm going to NYC).

I need to know what to say to her to keep her... any help would be sweetxcore.

Seems like she's planning on finding someone new or she's already has..and if she isn't riding him yet she has taken the saddle out of the barn.

....don't waste your time. You'll just end up getting hurt in the long run.

 

[SLVRSR4]

I have been in a similar situation and it is always a bad idea. She went and met this new guy and when he left her she comes back to me. She just talked about him all the time like i wasn't there. She just wanted to remember the time before him so i was like !@#$! I'm not saying this is how it is for you but if it does..

 

[Erzengel]

Seems like she's planning on finding someone new....don't waste your time. You'll just end up getting hurt in the long run.

You should have left the saddle and barn anecdote. I liked that.

 

[Dorian Gray]

You should have left the saddle and barn anecdote. I liked that.

 

[Herr Logan]

From his original post it sounds like she's looking at sunnier pastures when she goes away and she doesn't want to bring a boyfriend into this new part of her life.

I've known guys and girls who have broken up with their high school sweethearts because they didn't want to be tied down during college. While that even back then bothers me, I understand their feelings of "missing out".

I understand the feeling of "missing out" as well," to a small degree (I honestly don't think anyone else could be more right for me than my fiancee, even though she's by no means a "perfect match" for someone like me, but I do miss the freedom to flirt with intent to date). Still, you shouldn't mess with people's hearts (and loins), and people shouldn't set themselves up for betrayal or a break-up that can be seen from a mile away.

If your interpretation of his post is correct, then yeah, he should probably just let it dissolve and get his "rebound" relationship out of the way as quickly as possible.

 

[jaguarr]

You should have left the saddle and barn anecdote. I liked that.

I agree. I'm glad he put it back in. His statement loses something without it.

jag

 

[Spider-Nerd]

thanks for reitterating my post above

thanks for reiterating mine

 

[musclesforsupes]

Take a relationship one day at a time, that is what I am doing now, even after I am married next week.

 

[musclesforsupes]

No one can predict the future or whom one is to be with, if its meant to be with this girl it will work out.

 

[Corinthian™]

I say put it in teh buttzorz

by that I mean just let her go

 

[Calvin]

Take a relationship one day at a time, that is what I am doing now, even after I am married next week.

That sounds kind of pessimistic.

 

[Danger Mouse]

EVER HEARD "IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, SET THEM FREE"? IT'S TRUE. IF YOU TRY TO "KEEP HER" YOU WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE FOR BOTH OF YOU. JUST LET HER KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, AND THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER TO ANYONE/ANYTHING ELSE; IF YOU PLANT THAT SEED NOW, YOU'VE GOT A SHOT AT GETTING BACK WITH HER IN THE FUTURE.

That's surprisingly good advice.

Planting the seed of guilt into her is good advice? To her, as is to everyone on this planet, there are plenty of fish in the ocean. If she somehow finds a person more worthy of her affection, someone who can give her greater security and a better future, why would she be deprived of that love because someone planted a guilt-seed?

Likewise, if Peacekeeper 2.0 finds someone better, then he, too, ought not be deprived of it.

It's not like they're engaged to be married or anything. And they're still young.

 

[Kessel Day]

i agree with DM. you're both too young to be in a serious relationship. you are just starting to know yourself. how do you know that this is the girl you would be happy with in ten years when your tastes may have totally changed by then?

 

[Matt]

Wow, PK, I never knew you were so young. I pegged you for an old wise guy

but anyway, say "I respect your decision, goodbye"...let her get her thoughts figured out. If you push her or force her into something she will grow to resent you. If you give her the time and space she needs, if she really cares about you, she'll come back.

 

[Danger Mouse]

And if she doesn't, life goes on. Don't go all suicidal or anything.

 

[Childlike Wild]

I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for her to come back. It's possible that she will, but college changes people (as it should). Take the opportunity to enjoy college life. Having a long-distance relationship will tie you to the phone and keep you from fully experiencing the beginning of your university career. It's not worth it unless you're both extremely committed and planning a lifetime together. Your girl clearly doesn't have that in mind.

 

[Odin's Lapdog]

Build her a baseball pitch....

if you build it she will come.






in the mean time, perhaps you should tell her that you two might as well make the most of you time together now and be realistic and mature about the future when your times comes to separate and go your separate ways. That way there is still some chance for you guys to be long distant friends that hook up when the time comes and so forth. you could go visit her, she could come and visit you, you could see each other in the holidays.


SAYING THIS HOWEVER, i personally think she may be using this as an excuse and don't be surprised if you hear her with another dude before you guys finish.

if two people have a good thing going on, they'll either keep it tight or keep it open when they leave and may hook up when they get back or whatever but a clean break usually isn't initiated in such a short relationship span.


if i were you, i'll be trying to see what i messed up with in recent weeks.

 

[XwolverineX]

Kidnap her.

 

[Mr. Credible]

the best thing you can do now, if you're going to seperate colleges, is just tell her you love her, and let her go.

 

[redmarvel]

I've been going out with this girl for about a month, and everything was going great, and out of nowhere she tells me she wants to break up because she doesn't want a relationship right now, and never really wanted a boyfriend going into college (we're seniors; moving away in August). I can't let her just slip away. She says she's confused and doesn't know what she wants... she looked upset today in school... she said she doesnt wanna get attached and then have to leave for school (shes going to PA, I'm going to NYC).

I need to know what to say to her to keep her... any help would be sweetxcore.

Is there any way you both can go to school in the same state? Long distance relationships rarely work. If you can't, then you'll have to figure out the costs of seeing each other on a regular basis once you're in college. Can you afford it? If so, then you can use the plan to help convince her to stay together. Otherwise, she's right and you're just prolonging the relationship and leading to a more painful breakup when you do have to seperate.