Please Help

[kytrigger]

Let me preface this with some background. This girl and I are friends, but we have sex also. We aren't dating or anything, it's just very casual for the fact that neither of us really want a relationship, and that I'm leaving soon anyway, but it's a more than just a regular friendship.


She was raped tonight.


I don't know what to do. She called me several hours ago telling me this. She had met the guy at a party and they had mutual friends (something like he's a friend of one of her firend's boyfriend). That had gotten alon gwell aa th eparty and everything, and then she left and went hom to go to bed, but she left somethign at the party (an ID). He called her a little later and said he was in the area and that he had her ID. She said she would come down to get it. Then it happened.

Once it was over, she called me fromteh bathroom incredibly scared because not only was she just raped, but he was still there. HE was sleeping there.

I went over right away and got her, but she wouldn't let me go into her place to get him out. She wouldn't let me go in, or call the cops. Finally, I settled her down and convinced her to go to my place where we are now. She is finally asleep on my bed now and I am obviously completely awake and my head is spinning and I need help.


What do I do? I taken a number of seminars in how to counsel rape victims, but it doesn't matter anymroe for some reason, I still feel completely lost.

I know that one of the worst thigns to do is show her another angry, violent man right now, but I still want to jsut go there and beat him.

I know that it is her choice not ot call the police, and that it's important she feels in control of her actions, but I still want to call them myself.

Hell, that piece of **** is still in her ****ing apartment sleeping!!! She refused to let me in, but I couldn't just let her go bakc there so I brought her over, but I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do in a couple of hours when she needs to go back there. Do I force myself to go into the apartment with her?

I am just so ****ing pissed off right now and the worst thing is that what she is going through must be 100x worse.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to or how to help.

Please help me. What do I do?

 

[nosebleed.]

Man, don't go and beat his ass. I know you want to, hell, I want to...but that's just going to put her into an even worse situation. She's already going to blame herself for being raped (it almost always happens) but then she's going to blame herself for you getting in trouble for fighting the dude.

Just let her sleep now. When she wakes up try your hardest to convince her to report it...and don't let her clean herself. I know your mind is spinning right now but you need to keep a straight head for her sake.


edit: I just read your profile. Is your friend in the military too? There are plenty of resources to get her help while still remaining anonymous in the military. There should be a SARC program (Sexual Assualt Response Coordinator or something like that) or a RASAC (Rape & Sexual Abuse Center) on post somewhere. Contact your supervisor or First Sergeant to find it...just tell them that you need to maintain her confidentiality if she doesn't want the rape reported.

 

[heypapajinx]

yes. the person above me is right.
and if he is really such an idiot to stay at her place after doing such a thing there's going to be his DNA all over the place, maybe he'll still even be asleep there when and if she decides to report it in the morning.
just try and talk to her in the morning, after she's not so emotional or in shock.

 

[kytrigger]

Man, don't go and beat his ass. I know you want to, hell, I want to...but that's just going to put her into an even worse situation. She's already going to blame herself for being raped (it almost always happens) but then she's going to blame herself for you getting in trouble for fighting the dude.

Just let her sleep now. When she wakes up try your hardest to convince her to report it...and don't let her clean herself. I know your mind is spinning right now but you need to keep a straight head for her sake.


edit: I just read your profile. Is your friend in the military too? There are plenty of resources to get her help while still remaining anonymous in the military. There should be a SARC program (Sexual Assualt Response Coordinator or something like that) or a RASAC (Rape & Sexual Abuse Center) on post somewhere. Contact your supervisor or First Sergeant to find it...just tell them that you need to maintain her confidentiality if she doesn't want the rape reported.

Yeah, I know fighting him would be one of the worst things for her, and I really hope I don't for her sake. I am pretty sure I can control myself, but it's hard to say that if I actualyl see him face-to-face. My biggest dilemma is when I take her hom ein a few hours an dif he's still there.

And no she's not in the military. I haven't even left for basic yet but wil be soon.

 

[nosebleed.]

I would definitely advise you not to bring her home in the morning. If she needs something from there I suggest you go get it for her...and bring a friend. Not as a buddy to help beat the guy's ass but as a witness in case he tries to start something if he's still there. But letting her stay at your place for at least a day is what I recommend until you can convince her to go seek help.

 

[kytrigger]

^ Good point. I think that's the best thing I can do is make sure she stays here until he is definately gone and she feels comfortable going back to her place.

Thank you nosebleed and heypapajinx

 

[black_dust]

You really need to report this in the morning, its a very serious issue.

 

[Kaleb]

nosebleed is correct , I experienced something like that as well.

 

[nosebleed.]

You really need to report this in the morning, its a very serious issue.

^^ ABSOLUTELY on point. You need to try your hardest to convince her to report that *******...and as soon as possible without her taking a shower so that the hospital can get a sexual assault kit for evidence. Don't let her wash her hands either because they are going to scrape her fingernails in case she scratched him. At least bring her to the hospital to get her checked. Convince her to at least do that because the hospital cannot report the rape to the police without her permission.

 

[Hyper Venom]

Yeah, she needs to report it, but not right this second. I'm sure she needs some time to get over the initial shock. But she needs to do it before long. Sad thing here is that police rarely take the victim's need to get over the shock of the incident into consideration. The longer she waits to tell the police, the more it looks like she's lying.

But yeah, don't go over there and beat the guy's ass. And I can understand you wanting to. Any good friend would probably react the same way. But it would solve nothing. Not to mention it would give him incentive to try and run off somewhere once he realises somebody's on his ass.

 

[black_dust]

^^ ABSOLUTELY on point. You need to try your hardest to convince her to report that *******...and as soon as possible without her taking a shower so that the hospital can get a sexual assault kit for evidence. Don't let her wash her hands either because they are going to scrape her fingernails in case she scratched him. At least bring her to the hospital to get her checked. Convince her to at least do that because the hospital cannot report the rape to the police without her permission.

Agreed that is sensible advice

 

[kytrigger]

Yeah, I was already planning on taking her to the hospital tomorow for testing and everything. Hopefulyl she hasn't cleaned herself before I got htere. I'll ask her when she wakes up.

 

[vibeke_T]

call police. turn the guy in. he probably has committed other rapes. tell her not to rid herself of the evidence. even if she doesn't *want* to...it doesn't change what he did but it could change what he might do to others in the future.

 

[chamber-music]

go to the police as soon as you can. Can't let a guy like this get away with doing that to other girls.

 

[Kyalesyin]

Go to the police. Please. I know exactly how your friend is feeling. She'll yell and scream at you for calling the police. She'll probably hit you and say some things she doesn't mean. And then when its all over, she'll thank you for it. She's more scared now than she has ever been in her life. I didn't have anyone to call the police for me. Whoever attacked me is still out there, because I was too scared to make that call.

Put all her clothes in a plastic bag, and seal it. Don't let her shower or wash her hands. If at all possible, don't even let het use the loo. Don't dress or treat any scratches or bruises- interfering with them can effect their validity as evidence. Make sure she gets a morning after pill, even if he used protection, and make sure she has a full STI test run. Six months time, she'll also need a HIV test. I still get one every six months, even though I give blood and nothing has come up for nearlly five years.

Hold her a lot. You don't even need to say anything. Sometimes, just sitting in silence and being held is more comforting than reassurance from someone who's ran out of things to say.

If your friend needs to talk to someone, I will happily let you give her my email address. I know how to talk someone through this.

 

[Iceman]

Sorry to hear Ky.

Some good advice above. Do your best to avoid a fight that might get you into trouble and make things worse for your friend. As suggested taking a mate as a witness when you go to her flat is a good idea and try as hard as you can to get her to go to a hospital and/or contact the police as early as possible.

Hope it works out as well as it can buddy

 

[Calvin]

The advice above might be good, but I still say go over and beat his ass. And fight dirty.

 

[kytrigger]

Thank you everyone. You have no idea how much I appreciate all of your advice.

When she woke up around 6, I told her she's not going back and I went over to her place to get some stuff for her. He was already gone, which was probably for the best since I couldn't get a hold of another firend to be a witness if anythign happened.

We both finally got a hold of her sister, which she lives with but wasn't home last night. She came over and we both convinced her to report it. I walked both of them to the ER and they went in together to get get everythign she needs done. At that point, the sister took over, which is completely understandable. I might be a close friend, but I am no sister.

She got back and called me to let me know, and she is just ahnging out with her sister right now. I am pretty sure they are going home to the suburbs later today.

I know she's in good hands with her sister and family, so I think I've done all I can for her today.

Once again, thank you all for everything you said. I'm sure all of you are glad we convinced her to report the *******, and I know I am.

 

[hotmail]

yes. the person above me is right.
and if he is really such an idiot to stay at her place after doing such a thing there's going to be his DNA all over the place, maybe he'll still even be asleep there when and if she decides to report it in the morning.
just try and talk to her in the morning, after she's not so emotional or in shock.

Which leads me to be suspicious as to whether or not she was really raped (forcible sex) or whether it was a situation that simply went farther than she intended.

 

[jaguarr]

I'm glad she reported it, ky. That son of a b1tch has most likely done this before and will certainly do it again if he isn't caught. She did the right thing, and you can assure her of that if only for that reason alone. She would probably be very smart to take advantage of some of the rape crisis counseling services that most cities offer, so maybe plant that bug in her sister's head since she seems prone to listening to her. You're a good friend, dude.

jag

 

[Kritish]

Make sure she gets tested and if she does turn out to be pregnant I'd suggest you convince her into geting an abortion.

 

[Colossal Spoons]

I just can't believe he had the stones to SLEEP in her bed after some **** like that.

 

[hotmail]

I just can't believe he had the stones to SLEEP in her bed after some **** like that.

That is assuming that it was an actual rape.

 

[kytrigger]

That is assuming that it was an actual rape.

The bruises led me to believe it was

 

[hotmail]

The bruises led me to believe it was

I didn't read anything about bruises, but I still can't help but be suspicious. Especially since she neither wanted him to deal with the perp nor let the cops be involved.

No rapist is generally going to stay for breakfast in bed after committing harm to a woman.

They're usually in and out fairly fast.