John Johnson: Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "^_^^_^^_^^_^^_^". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the ^_^^_^^_^^_^^_^'s eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns... pissing into the ^_^^_^^_^^_^^_^'s ocular cavities. (short pause) This way to the cafeteria!
(so i married an axe murderer, alcatraz tour guide played by phil hartman)