They Should Make That Movie!

[Goshdarn Batman]

Teaser trailer for a new Batman movie (where he really screws up):

A group of criminals smuggling drugs are taken out one by one by Batman. The last thug is interrogated on a rooftop.

Batman: "Who is the Scarecrow??? Where is he? Talk! (Breaks fingers)"

Thug: "Yaarrrgh, my hand! Okay, okay I'll talk!!! The Scarecrow is Dr Crane...at Arkham Asylum!!!"

We cut to Arkham Asylum, where Jeremiah Arkham has invited this Dr Crane to discuss various treatment methods for the criminally insane.

Dr. Jeremiah Arkham: "Welcome to the madhouse, Dr. Crane."

Dr Crane: "Please, call me Frasier. This is my brother Niles Crane...Niles? How curious. Oh well...I usually don't do this, Dr. Arkham, but this t...."

Suddenly. The lights are turned off. Screams are heard. The security guard are shooting at something big. Frasier and Dr. Arkham runs toward the shooting, and finds Niles on the floor, mashed to a pulp. Frasier almost faints. Cut to the hospital, where Niles lies stretched out on the bed.

Frasier: "My God, Niles...what could have done this?"

Niles (whispering): "He's coming for you, Frasier..."

Frasier: "Get some rest now, Niles. I...what the...(walks toward window. It's raining outside. Suddenly, a lightning flash reveals a dark shape outside. Frasier screams, and the window is smashed. The scream echoes over the movie's title:

"Batman: Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs"

Coming 2022

 

[Thundarr]

Batman: Something Something

A series of Batman movies based on a mix between the golden age Batman and Batman of the 70s.

1. Batman doesn't travel the world. He stays in the US and trains with the best martial arts instructors, detectives etc.

2. No familiar supervillains yet. Just gangsters and regular crooks. The main villain is a mob boss this time.

3. No big explosions or CGI.

4. Batman uses his brains more than his fists. And he prefers to scare villains. There's probably a big fight at the end of the movie in the badguy's mansion, though. Bullets fly, fists fly. No fancy kicks or bullet time stuff.

5. No distracting love interest yet. Julie Madison is only mentioned.

6. No fake muscles on the suit. Gray and black costume.

7. No batmobile yet. Just a regular black car without license plates.

8. No fancy-pants gadgets. Batarangs are enough (for now).

9. Alfred is not in the movie. He shows up at the after-credits scene when he's hired by Bruce. It's the classic origin where Alfred finds out that Bruce Wayne is Batman.

10. Batman isn't insanely violent like Frank Miller's version. Yes, he's a vigilante, but he's not a total psycho. No torture or unnecessary violence. He's more motivated by altruism than anger (although there's a lot of that too). He wants to protect innocent people, not just hurt the guilty.

11. Most of the cops in the GCPD are honest people. Corruption isn't a big issue here, Batman just wants to help out. To go where they can't.

12. No batcave. That comes later. For now, it's just a secret room in Wayne Manor, with a gym, the "batmobile", equipment and a computer.

13. Hugo Strange and his monsters are the main threat in the sequel.


Bond, James Bond. A movie loosely based on some of my nightmares.

James Bond is a nine year old bully victim who struggles to fit in. His classmates make fun of him because of his name. They usually stand by his bedside at night, trying to rip out his tongue and bite him. When they try to murder him, all of the kids are dubbed by the real Sean Connery.

Bond: "Please, leave me alone!"

Fat bully (slow motion): "You got a li-li...uh license to kill? Bwahahaha!"

Little girl with black eyes: "Schaken...not schtirred!"

Flying Sean Connery head: "Hi, I'm Sean Connery. I'm from outer space and I'm here to dance. Hi, I'm Sean Connery..."

But James Bond hates James Bond movies. He prefers wildlife documentaries about snails. One day, he decides to become one. His mother won't listen. She just sits there at the kitchen table, pale as snow, bald, yellow eyes. She's always drooling and looking at the same dead spider.

He meets this old guy (CGI Bruce Lee) who owns a chinese restaurant, and they practice martial arts, meditation etc. He succeeds, and most of the movie is in slow motion from now on...even the music ("I'm snailing to Philadelphia", by Rob Zombie). His bloodshot eyes stick out of his skull, all of his teeth are gone, there's slime everywhere. The actor is replaced by a disgusting stop-motion puppet.

One day, he finds out the horrible truth, that snails are terrible role models. They're cute, but you can't really make a living by being a snail. The movie is now a documentary, with a British narrator. Once in a while, the movie cuts to the narrator's face. He doesn't have a mouth, he just sits in the dark and stares directly at the viewers. He communicates with telepathy. A hand is sticking out of his forehead, and it's desperately trying to claw those eyes out.

The documentary shows James Bond working as a banana peeler, but the pay is horrible.

The movie ends with him accepting his destiny. Spoiler alert:

He walks past a guy holding a gun with a camera inside of the barrel. Bond turns around, and shoots him dead. The blood runs down the guy's gun barrel. James Bond is...James Bond in "The Man with Two Golden Nipples"

I'd like to try some of whatever the hell you've been smoking.

 

[Goshdarn Batman]

I don't get enough sleep.

 

[David H.]

Daniel Day Lewis as Rasputin.

I'd hate to see what he does in preparation for the role.

On the other hand I'd go with Gary Oldman as Rasputin and Viggo Mortensen as Tsar Nicholas for a miniseries.

 

[CaptainWagner]

With Bernie Sanders bringing Socialism to the forefront of National attention in the U.S. again, I think it's high time we get a film about Eugene V Debs, maybe starring Ralph Fiennes. I mean, the man ran for president from jail and got a million votes, there's tons of cinematic material there.

 

[Thundarr]

I just recently watched a video on You Tube by Watchmojo.com. The subject was "The Top 10 Celebrities You'd Want With You During A Zombie Apocalypse". Some of the celebrities listed included "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Michael Cera, Jennifer Lawrence, Chuck Norris, and Jackie Chan. This got me to thinking that this might make for a pretty awesome Zombie Apocalypse movie. Make it kinda like a cross between JCVD and This Is The End, where the stars are playing themselves struggling to survive a zombie apocalypse.

Scenario: The above celebrities are guests at a film festival or Comicon (promoting their latest films, signing autographs, whatever) when the zombie apocalypse happens. They band together with a bunch of non-celebrities (played by unknown actors, essentially zombie fodder) and must use their combined skills to try and survive the outbreak.

That could be a lot of fun to watch.

 

[Goshdarn Batman]

Not a big fan of zombie movies. But if they eat Lawrence and Cera I'll watch it.

 

[Alien Anal]

Sounds like this is the end

 

[Thundarr]

Not a big fan of zombie movies. But if they eat Lawrence and Cera I'll watch it.

I was thinking pretty much the same thing when I saw the Top 10 list (more for Cera than Lawrence though).

 

[Thundarr]

Sounds like this is the end

I don't think there were zombies in This Is The End.

Edit: By the way, I had mentioned in my post that the movie would be like a cross between This Is The End and JCVD, but with zombies.

 

[Goshdarn Batman]

Just something I put together quickly. Sorry if there's spelling errors etc:

They should have made that movie: 80s Superman vs Batman.

What is it?: A movie loosely based on the comics. This is the 80s, all we want is action, action, big muscles and lots of shooting.

Who's in it?: Sylvester Stallone is Batman, Arnold Schwarzenegger is Superman. With Brian Thompson as Lex Luthor and Steven Seagal as Zod.



The opening credits is just a black screen with names. In the background we hear a theme that sounds almost like the Predator theme.

The movie opens with a hostage situation in New York, it's fourth of July and a crazy terrorist threatens to blow a bunch of civilians to pieces with explosive collars.



Terrorist (foreign accent): "I'll do it, man! I'll ****** do it! You wanna **** with me, huh? I'm going to show you fireworks, American pigs!!!"


Suddenly, we hear a wooshing sound. Up in the sky...not a bird, not a plane...but Superman!



Superman: "Boollsch*tt, yoo crazy sannaffa****!"



Superman gathers all of the civilians in his arms faster than the speed of lightning. The terrorist laughs, and hits the detonator. Suddenly, he realizes that Superman has removed the explosive collars from the civilians and placed them around his own neck.



Superman: "Whatsamatta? Gaht somethin in yah throat?"



The terrorist's head explodes. And everyone is cheering.

The clip of the exploding head is played over and over again at "Planet News". Perry White stands in front of the screen with a big smile on his face.



Perry: "We got it on tape first, guys. Thanks to you, Jimmy Olsen!"

Jimmy: "Thanks to Superman, chief! He kept his head cool!"

Perry: "Can't say the same thing about the other guy, heh-heh...uh, where is Lois Lane?"



We cut to the fortress of solitude. Lois Lane, a blonde woman with big lips walks out of bed and takes the elevator down to Superman's gym. She's wearing Superman's sweater. We see a bare-chested Superman lift dumbbells made out of kryptonite. His muscles ripple under the bronzed skin.



Superman: "von thousand ahn tyurthy fayvuh..."

Lois Lane: "Honey, are you coming back to bed with me soon?"

Superman: "Lois! *happy, drops dumbbell* ah love yoo..."

Lois: "I love you too, Clark!"



We cut to Bruce Wayne, his lovely wife Julie Wayne and their son Dick Wayne. They're outside of Wayne Manor, playing in the pool. Bruce is splashing water on Julie and laughing. Dick throws a beach ball at him. They all laugh.



Bruce: "Woooah kid, caefuh widde face now!"



Suddenly, they hear a sound behind them. They turn around.



Lex: "I hope I'm not interrupting the happy family moment, Bruce!"

Dick: "Who is that man, dad?"

Bruce: "Luthoh? I toldya, man. Not gonne make those high-tech murdeh-weppens for you."

Lex: "Oh, don't worry, pig. I got something better."



Suddenly a giant, roaring monster truck smashes through the gates. Lex Luthor's men are holding strange, alien cannons in their hands. They laugh like maniacs while they slaughter the Waynes.



Bruce: "NAAAAAUUUUhhhrrrr!!!! *gets shot in the shoulder*"

Lex: "Burn the whole place down. Kill everything in sight. Dogs, cats...fleas. I don't care, just annihilate everything! Pigs...*spits*"


While the scene fades out, we hear the maniacs laugh.

Some hours later, Bruce's African-American pal Alfred Jackson stops his car outside of the burning manor. He runs up to the pool and screams.



Alfred: "Noooooooooo! Bruuuucee!"


Bruce stirs. Alfred shakes him a little. Slowly, he gains consciousness.


Bruce (cries): "They dead, Alfie...dead."

Alfred: "Who the **** did this, man? Who is the **** bastard who killed your family?"

Bruce (sobs): "Luthoh. I'm gonna kill that sonnuva ****. And yur gonna help."

Alfred: "Hey man, you saved my ass back in Nam. I owe you big time, man. What's the plan, man?"

Bruce: "Rememmer back in Nam? We used to scare those commie *******s at night. They were suppestitous. We dressed up as bats, rememmer? I'm gonna scare the **** outta Lex and his goons! I swear it, man...I swear it!"


(Training montage with Bill Conti song: "Be the man, be the Bat Man". The montage also shows Alfred and Bruce making the batsuit. It ends with Bruce in full batsuit. It looks like the classic gray, but the belt is made out of bullets)



Batman: "So...how do I look?"

Alfred: "Dig it, brother!"

Batman: "Time to **** sum **** up!"



(Batman opens a closet full of guns, he pulls out two uzi's and a bunch of handgrenades)


Meanwhile, in a secret location, we see a guy in black clothes. He's standing with his back towards the camera. Three other guys in ninja-like outfits with weird swords surround him.



General Zod (whisper): "Begin"



They attack him. He easily evades their swords, grabs one guy and twists his neck around..."snap". The second one is kicked in the groin so hard that he dies. The third ninja tries to slash Zod in the face, but he blocks the sword, breaks the guys arm, kicks him in the groin, kicks his legs so hard that they break, stick his fingers in his eyes and finally breaks his neck with a loud snap.



Lex: "Was that really necessary?"

Zod: "I don't know...was it necessary to murder the Waynes with the alien technology I gave you? If somebody saw it...it could really **** up our plans. My boss would roast my balls off with his omega beams if he found out."

Lex: "Zod, baby...relax! Nobody's going to find out. We made it look like an accident. Our secret is safe. I give you Superman's head, you make me president of the world. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing!"


Meanwhile! At Lexcorp...the night watchman is bored. His butt hurts from sitting in the uncomfortable chair.



Watchman: "The guy **** on a golden throne, but he can't afford a decent chair for his men. One of these days, I'm going to tell the stupid...huh?"


A monster truck with fins and headlights shaped like big, scary eyes drives right through the front entrance. "Smash!!!" The night watchman throws himself to the floor. The roof opens up, and a big figure emerges.



Watchman: "What are you!??"

Batman: "I'm de Bat, man! Now give me de keys to de basement!"



Batman opens the basement door. There's crates everywhere. He rips one up, grabs a strange-looking weapon that looks exactly like the ones the killers used. He turns it around. Strange symbols. He beats up the watchman:



Batman: "Translate it! Do it!!!"

Watchman: "Yaargh...alright, alright! It says: "Made in Krypton"."

Batman: "Krypton??? Yurrrruurrh! Soupahmaaaaaaan!"



We jump to Planet News, where Superman is now Clark Kent, with glasses and a hat. He chats with Jimmy Olsen. Perry White shouts at Lois Lane"

Perry: "Bruce Wayne is dead. They say he let his stove on and burned the house to the ground. I want you to head over there and cover it, Lois!"

Lois: "Sure thing boss!"

Perry: "What a woman. I wonder what she sees in that wimp Kent...aw hell, at least he's a great guy."

Janitor: "...you talking to me?"



Suddenly, Batman smashes through a window in his new supersuit. He looks like RoboCop with bat ears. He grabs Lois Lane and holds her hostage.



Batman: "I only want Soupahman. Stay back!"

Clark sneaks out of the room.



Superman: "This looks like a jahb fah Supaman!"

Superman shows up outside of the window Batman just smashed. Angry because Batman threatened his wife.



Superman: "Ahm hyeah, yoo ahgly sanaffa****! Cahm to daddeh!"

Batman: "Yuuuurrrruuuuurrhhh!"



Batman jumps out of the window and grabs Superman. They land on a rooftop. Punch, kick, smash. Superman is winning! Batman pulls out a piece of kryptonite and holds it up in front of Superman.



Superman: "Haah! Yoo must be joking, batfreak! Do yoo think ahm a *****ing girlie-man? I made myself immoon to keruptonayut! Why do yoo threaten me?"

Batman: "You killed innsent peepol"

Superman: "I protect innocent people!"

Batman: "You broke da law!!!!"

Superman: "LAAAAHHH!!! Whatta hell do yoo know about law? Yoo are a criminal!"

Batman: "What abouda weppens from krypton, huh? YUURRH KILLED MAH FAMELEH!! AHLL KILL YOU!!!!!"

Batman attacks, but Superman grabs his hands.



Superman: "Wait...Keruptonyan weapons? Where?"

Batman: "At Lexcorp!!! Where's the bastard now??"

Superman: "Yoo ah crazy! I wood nevah wyork with a scahmbag like Loothah!Naow getta hell away frahm me. Ahm not yoor enemy!"



Superman flies off. Batman gets into his car and pulls off his mask. He heads home to the batcave. Another montage starts, with a song by Robert Tepper called "Darkest Knight". Memories of his wife and son flash before his eyes. Lex Luthor's grin, Superman's honest face. In the cave he meets Alfred. He tells about everything that's happened. Alfred tells Bruce that he should give Superman a chance.

Meanwhile, Superman is flying across the skies. Another montage with a Robert Tepper song. "Can't do this alone". He lands at the ruins of Wayne Manor, where he meets Lois. They talk. Lois wants Superman to give Batman a chance. He makes a batsignal and lights up the sky. They meet on a rooftop, and decides to team up. They give each other the bicep-flexing handshake from Predator, while the American flag waves in the background. After doing some detective work (another montage with a cheesy song called "Putting the pieces together"), they find out where Lex Luthor is currently hiding: a secret base in the woods. They build a giant, rolling battleship and take on Lex Luthor's private army. Machine guns rip people to shreds, some of them are crushes under the giant tank, explosions everywhere.



Batman: "Rubber bullets. *bang bang*"

Superman: "Really? *shoots a guy with a missile. Arms and legs fly through the air*"

Batman (laughs): "Naw, just ****ing with yah. I'm not a girlie-man!"



They both laugh as they slaughter enemies left and right. Superman flies out of the tank and starts to burn people to death with his heat vision.



Superman: "Byurn, baybeh, byurn!"

Batman: "Ooh, that's cold, Soupehman. Let's turn up de heat! *flamethrower*"



The tank smashes into Lex's headquarters. Batman gets out and kills everything in sight with his machine gun. He screams, and empties it in the air. Suddenly he hears clapping behind him.

Lex: "I see you brought backup, Superman. Where did you find this guy? "The Flame On" bar?

Superman: "Shaddap, Lex. Yoo ah finishd!"

Zod: "I've been waiting for you, son of Jor-El..."

Superman: "What??? Gyenerul Zahd? It's naht possehbull! I saw yoo die in da electric chair aftah yoo killed my pyarents!"

Zod: "I wore a rubber suit...give up, and I'll let you rule at my side. Maybe I'll let you keep your pointy-eared pet too."

Superman: "Whatta yoo say, Batmen?"

Batman: "**** em!!!"



Zod and Superman fight. Batman rips off his sweater, cape and mask and attacks Lex. They scream and roar like beasts.

Lex: "Bruce Wayne, huh? I want your eyes, pig!!! I WANT THEM!!!!"


Lex manages to grab a gun and shoots Batman in the chest...



Lex: "Take that, pig!"

Batman: "Nnghhh...no thanks...GOT SOMETHIN BETTUUURRRHH!"



He grabs a kryptonian grenade, shoves it down Lex's pants and throws himself to the floor.



Lex: "NOOOO!!!!"

"Bloomsplurrrgh!"



Superman is about to lose the fight. Zod puts his hands on his head, ready to break his neck. Suddenly, Superman grabs him and slams him into a Kryptonian supercomputer.



Superman: "Where's yah rabbuhr soot naow?"



Zod screams as he fries to death from all the kryptonian electricity (!). Batman and Superman looks at the crispy corpse for a while, before they walk out of the building.



Superman: "Ah need a vaycashun!!"



Batman laughs, and they walk out of the burning building as the movie fades out to the end credits, with a loud rock and roll theme playing.

After credits scene:

We see a big figure stand in front of a tv screen, watching the news.



Voice: "So...the idiots failed. If you want something done...I guess you have to do it yourself!!!"



He turns around. It's Darkseid. He's grinning. The suit looks exactly like the one in the comics, but the face that sticks out is Clancy Brown's. He laughs.

The End?

 

[Loden Greatstorm]

The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time

 

[David H.]

Are we allowed to suggest adaptations in here? If so…

Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian

starting Glenn Fleshler as Judge Holden