"Hi, folks. Id like to begin by giving a huge thank you to John Elway... whoops, I mean John Fox
nah, f*** it, I meant myself. Seriously. This crappy team couldnt even with a Super Bowl after loading up on offensive and defensive players three years in a row. Theyre hopeless. They might look really good in the regular season, but once they get to the playoffs, theyre toast.
Oh, what was that? Peyton Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time? Yeah, okay. Ask Captain Endorsements how many of those MVP awards he'd gladly exchange for the ability to beat a quarterback in the Super Bowl not named Rex Grossman.
You want to know if he'll be back next year? What the hell do you think? What does Peyton Manning have in life, other than throwing regular season touchdown passes and hocking crap for anybody who will pay him enough? Next year will be more of the same. We'll coast to another division win, hopefully embarrassing Philip Rivers again a couple times because who doesn't love that, and then we'll get knocked out of the postseason after the bye week.
Losing John Fox and probably Adam Gase doesn't mean jack, since (as I'm sure all of you already know) Peyton has been running the offense the whole time. Fox and Gase usually don't even show up to practice. You know why John Fox always looks half-asleep and/or drunk on the sidelines? Because he usually is. Letting him go won't mean anything. I can't wait to see what teams pick him and Gase up in the hopes that they'll turn their organizations around. I hope we play those teams next season and every season until Fox and Gase get sh**canned. I actually wanted to bring in Rex Ryan as our next HC just as a joke, but the Bills got to him first because they believe they can win with him. That's even more hilarious.
So yeah, I have no idea who we're going to hire at this point. Does it matter? Hey, you in the back. Yeah, you. Cool tie. Want to be our next head coach? It's basically $5 million a year to stand around and look mildly interested in what's going on. I know that's a pretty big salary for someone with no coaching experience, but hey, it's not my money. Pat Bowlen is basically just paying me to smile and say things like, "We're moving this team in the right direction" without laughing.
And why wouldn't he? The fans worship me like I'm some sort of deity, returned to Denver after all these years to impart my divine wisdom on all of you primatives. And sure, things might be looking better around here than they did when Manchild McDaniels was coaching your team, or when you were starting Bibleman at QB, but Denver will never win another Super Bowl unless the U.S. government figures out the formula to Captain America serum and injects me with it so I can come back and play for them.
So worship me, Denver. I'm all you've got. Your team peaked with me and you know it. The good old days are never coming back.