Best Friends Suck. And not in a good way.

[Shlee]

(Posting here not only cuz I'm angry, but because you guys are my friends, and GL asked me what was wrong, and it's too long to retype in an IM conversation)

So my grandmother, whom I was very close to, passed away Monday night. She was suffering from lung cancer, a slew of other health problems, had just come off of chemo, and was just doing poorly. She slipped into a coma a couple weeks ago, and then passed on Monday night.

It was expected to an extent, but it's not like we planned to lose my grandmother on Monday.

So I get the phone call at 11:10 from my mom, who lets me know Sitto (should be spelled situe, means grandmother in Arabic, but my grandmother doesn't speak fluent Arabic, even though she's 100% Lebanese) passed about 15 minutes prior. I call Kristi, my "best friend" in tears, she calls me back and says she's here for me, whatever I need, just let her know.

I have therapy on Tuesday nights. It's been a huge help in overcoming my self confidence issues, I go for free at University of Denver because I take part in their research program, so it's win win for both of us. My apointments WERE at 7:30 on Tuesdays, but this week and next they are moved to 6:30. So I let Kristi know via text message that my therapy appointment is an hour earlier than normal, and ask if she'd like to meet up with me afterward for some food or something since I won't have a chance to eat before therapy.

I get a text message back from her that says "No, I promised Mike I'd go to the gym with him at 6:30, and Will and I are having breakfast for dinner. But you're more than welcome to come over if you want to!"

Not exactly what I'd call "supportive". I had mentioned on the phone Monday night after I found out that I'd like to hang out on Tuesday and just see her. She then proceeds to get on google talk and "apologize" for how "mean sounding" her text message was, but tell me that she has eggs at home that she HAS to eat, that she doesn't want to spend any money until Friday after she gets paid, and that I'm still more than welcome to come over.

As a friend, I don't expect her to spend money if she doesn't want to. I would've paid for her meal, or she could've just got a drink if she'd already eaten. But I don't normally reach out to friends for support, so this was a big step for me to ask her to do something with me for support. And she blatantly refuses, and blows me off, because apparently eggs are more important that a friend who's grieving.

Didn't find out till YESTERDAY when our flights would be, bought them and all that. Planning everything today, including the clothes I have to bring out for my mom and all that (she's been in Oregon for over two weeks now), and she's like "Can you see if Kristi will watch the dogs for us while we're gone?"

Me, in my infinite naivety, am like "Oh, sure. I'm sure she will, I know she'll be around-ish." SO I call her. She's at a concert. She text messages me to let me know. I say "Hey, we need someone to watch the dogs while we're gone, mom offered to pay, can you do it?"

She calls me to tell me that NO, she cannot do it. Even though she has a party at 1:00 on Saturday (as the ONLY activity she has planned), she can't take 40 minutes out of her day (20 in the AM, 20 in the PM) to come and feed our three dogs and let them out of the house to go to the bathroom and make sure they're okay. Because not only does she have her party, but she's going to spend the night at her mom's house up in Lakewood that night (it's on the opposite side of Denver from where we live).

Because, you know, her mom wouldn't understand if she rescheduled so she could help her 'best friend' out while she's at FUNERAL. I don't want to sound so selfish, but honestly?

AND THEN she has the gall to send me a text message saying "Next time, if she gets notice a few days in advance."

LOLWUT?

I am just in shock and awe, and I'm deeply upset and hurt. I know if the roles were reversed, I'd do everything I could to help, regardless of my circumstances or whatever. I'd actually BE there for my friend, like I promised I would. I could understand if she was actually going out of town for something special, or to another state, or had had these plans for WEEKS. But none of that is true. At all.

To top it all off, my other friend Jody, whom I've been at odds with for months and haven't talked to since literally the middle of January, is watching our dogs. I called to ask, and the first thing out of her mouth was "Oh, of course I can do that for you, that's not a problem." Jody doesn't even LIKE dogs and is generally afraid of them, and yet she's willing to watch my dogs WHEN WE HAVEN"T EVEN SPOKEN IN OVER A MONTH, whereas my "best friend" whom I see once a week can't be bothered.

I don't know whether to cry or scream or what. But I had to get it out.

And I'm sorry if this is all over the place or poorly explained. I am stressed out, running on no sleep, obviously upset that my grandma is dead... And just.. Ugh.

 

[Green Lantern]

*hugs Shlee* I'm sorry honey

 

[NiteMare Shape]

.....I just don't know what to say.

But I'll start with I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother.

 

[Venom160]

Eh who needs friends! They just screw you over in the end anyway.

Sorry to hear Shlee. Hopefully letting it out helped.

 

[Andy C.]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother, Shlee. Not a lot I can say about that that you probably haven't heard a thousand times already, but remember there are folks who are there for you.

As for your friend, it sounds to me like you and her need to have what folks in my neck of the woods call a 'come-ta-Jesus,' because that doesn't fly.

 

[Phaedrus45]

Shlee, so sorry to hear about your Grandmother. I lost mine a little over two years ago, and totally understand the pain you are feeling. Even though it gets easier, the feeling of loss never truly goes away. I still wish I could see her, give her a hug, and let her know how much she's loved.

About your friend, I'd say not to stress on it that much. First, I don't know much about you or your friend...how old she is...if she's dealt with the death of a close family member or not. There are so many factors that might explain her behavior.

I will say this. I have had many friends who I was upset with when I was younger...and, those who I'm sure were upset with me in the past. It's just when we are younger, we tend to focus on ourselves more than those around us. We fill our time with all the little crap that we tend to find it difficult to pen in spur of the moment things. (Heck, I still have friends who need a good month's time in order to plan on getting together, they are constantly busy doing things.) Many times, our friends tend to take a back seat to other things...especially when you throw in boyfriends and girlfriends. (And, again, that's still true with some friends when you are older.)

Personally, I have quite a few friends, and each of them have their "purpose" in my life. I have friends I can talk to when I'm upset...and, I have those whose eyes tend to gloss over whenever I talk about myself. I have some I just see when we get together to hang out at a bar; and, I have those who I hang with when we get our kids together. Each has their niche in my life. (It's like going to a movie with certain friends. There is a friend I can take to a romantic comedy; there is one I can take to a horror movie; and, there is one who will see Independant movies with.)

My advice, like I said, is don't stress on it. Accept your friend as a certain type. Many times people change; and, while she might not be there for you now, when she gets older, her priorities could very well change. (Also, look at the whole picture. The best friend is one who accepts you for who you are. She might not be there for you; but, the best thing you can do is accept her for who she is at this moment in her life, and find your solace elsewhere for now.)

 

[wiegeabo]

I wish I had seen this thread last week so I could have offered my support as well. But seeing as how we just lost our grandmother yesterday, maybe it's fitting, or something, I find it today.

Anyway, knowing Kristi the little I do, I'm also surprised by the way she acted. And agree you have every right to have been hurt and angry. But I think Phaed said it best. So don't quite give up on Kristi yet. And maybe something good can come out of all this because Jody was there for you in your time of need. Maybe that can be the start of rebuilding your friendship with her.

And any time you need to talk, I'm around in one form or another. We're all here for you if you need us.

 

[Blacklight]

I'm sorry Shlee. I know we haven't really spoke too much as of lately, but I am truly sorry to hear about what happened. It must suck. I'm really sorry.