I gotta stop writing so much. I actually wrote half of this last night and had to save it to wordpad.
CABLE #9
We know the roaches survived, but where the hell are the Rolling Stones?
When we last left Cable and Messiah, they were living happily in a shielded community with Cable's new wife / Messiah's surrogate mom. While they were all living safely, the end of the world apparently happened outside of the force field, prompting the remaining humans to mix their DNA with cockroaches, creating a new and more durable lifeform. Then the roach-president sent in an army to capture the force fielded community, where probably the last remaining humans lived. They took the town by storm, and captured Cable's wife. Oh, it's on.
This issue started out with a little background information on Cable's wife, whose name I don't think we even know. We do learn that she started out nagging Cable about how he was raising the baby. Eventually, there was a spark, and that's how they fell in love (awwww). So naturally, Cable can't stand the thought of leaving her behind. When Messiah asks Cable why he doesn't just run in, guns ablazing, Cable decides that now is as good a time as any to begin the little girl's training. What? You didn't think that a child raised by Cable was going to stay on the sidelines, did you? Cable forms a plan to rescue his wife and free the villagers captured with her. He then grabs his wife and Messiah, and runs with them to their little house. Most of the bug-soldiers follow them, and surround the house. We're then treated to a bit of narration by Cable, where he thinks about how he put a series of explosives around the perimeter of his house. And how he gave Messiah the trigger.
Boom.
Meanwhile, back in the early 21st century, a captured Bishop continues to explain his plan to Cyclops. In order to weed Cable out (or possibly indirectly kill him and the little girl), Bishop has been travelling to the less distant future, and setting up a series of traps by basically destroying entire continents. Bishop feels no remorse, because he believes that the moment the little girl is dead, the future will revert to normal, and all of the time-hopping genocide he committed will become undone. Bishop's plan involved destroying every continent but Antarctica, which barely exists in the future anyway. He nuked Australia, poisoned all of the water in Europe, used a super-napalm weapon that's been burning all of South America, and used a combination of bio-weapons and toxins to slowly kill off Asia and Africa. Really, "bastard" doesn't quite describe Bishop anymore, nor does the word "bastardize" describe what writers have done to him since Messiah CompleX. Anyway, it turns out Bishop had a nano-weapon hidden in his arm the whole time, which knocked out all of the X-Men so he can take from them whatever it is he needs to destroy North America.
I thought this issue was pretty good for exploring the type of person the Messiah will grow up to be. And no, I still will not call her Jean. Not every red head in Marvel Comics is Jean. It's becoming the most common hair color in all of their books. I know about the phoenix thing in her eyes, but not every person with access to the Phoenix Force is Jean. Hell, not every red-headed woman with access to the Phoenix Force is Jean. Rachel is another Phoenix, and that Jean-spawn only managed to get born in one timeline. If Cable had access to his powers and really tried, he could probably channel the Phoenix. But I digress. I'm calling the little girl "Messiah."
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JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA #21
This story arc can't end soon enough.
Okay, I'm giving this book two more issues, or I'm dropping it.
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IMMORTAL IRON FIST #20
You just got knocked the **** out!
When we last left Danny, he had just been poisoned by his secretary, who was secretly dating Zhou. The poison temporarily paralyzed Danny, but Misty and Luke break into the room before Zhou can pluck Danny's still beating heart from his chest. It is then that Danny realizes the importance of Orson's drugs, and comes up with a cunning plan. Danny has to lower his chi to levels too low for Zhou to feel, forget all of his training, and fight like a madman. With Danny's chi down so low, Zhou can't read his moves, and doesn't quite know how to defend himself. Those of you who have been complaining about Danny losing all of his fights should know that he finishes this one pretty much by himself.
In an interesting twist, we found out that the little boy who ran into Misty's arms at this beginning of this story arc isn't Danny and Misty's future son. It's the future son of Zhou and Danny's secretary. Turns out she was pregnant.
Meanwhile, the other Immortal Weapons stormed Zhou's apartment and discovered his map to that troublesome 8th City of Heaven they've been looking for. The apartment gets blown up and burns away most of the map, but this issue ended with Danny and the Immortal Weapons standing at the gates of the 8th City. Turns out it leads to Hell.
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X-Men: Manifest Destiny #4 of 5
Nightcrawler will punch you in the eye.
The miniseries about the X-Men adjusting to San Francisco continues. In Iceman's continuing story, he confronts Mystique and proves that he is in control of this situation. He freezes her gun, locks her in an ice trap, and threatens her with hypothermia. Even when Mystique tried to pistol-whip him, he shrugged it off and proved that physical damage doesn't mean as much to him as it used to. Are all you whiny "Iceman should be as powerful as he was in AoA" people finally happy, or do you want him to spend 24/7 in the form of an ice-cloud too? Anyway, Mystique escapes his trap by turning into a little kid and slipping away, but not before she hears Iceman mention the X-Men's new base in San Francisco. So it's not over just yet.
The next story starts off with Mercury and X-23 walking along Fisherman's Wharf. Cessily is moaning about her parents disowning her, and that she feels more like silly putty than a human being. Then two goons from the Hellfire Cult come by and try to attack them. Laura decides to sit this fight out, allowing Cessily to take the goons out by herself. Laura then explains (in more words than I've ever seen her say in a row) that Cessily is not putty, but a human being and a hero, and that she needs to learn to accept who she is.
The final story of the issue is about Nightcrawler training in a new Danger Room. I can only assume that this new Danger Room, like David's Danger Cave, uses elements from Danger without any of her patricidal A.I. thrown in. Also, the new Danger Room seems incapable of composing full colors, as every simulation is in grey. Anyway, Kurt goes through simulations of fighting Apocalypse, Sabretooth, and a giant Doctor Doom (whom he punches in the eye), but is doing poorly at dodging their attacks. Why? Because he can only think about the death of his best friend, Kitty. In the end, Kurt resets the Danger Room to create a simulation of Kitty, whom he hugs.
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X-Men Noir #1
Um...
No. Just... no.
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X-INFERNUS #1 OF 4
Starring John Lennon as Cyclops
Remember a while back when They Who Shall Not Be Named wrote a story in New X-Men that revealed that Magik was still alive? Yeah, well, someone finally remembered to follow up on that. Oh, and they also remember to show Colossus' reaction. It's about time.
Illyana is carving a bloody path through Limbo, demanding that someone give her back her soulsword and the Bloodstone Amulet. Of course, it's revealed that nobody in Limbo has either. The amulet Illyana wants is being held by Witchfire, Belasco's daughter. She intends to kill Illyana, claim the throne of Limbo for herself, and take her father's old seat among a council of Hell-rulers. This exclusive group consists of Dormammu, Hela, Mephisto, Blackheart, Satannish, and an empty seat once held by Balasco. Witchfire and the group of devils seem to know that the amulet has the power to do a hell of a lot more than restore Illyana's human soul, but Illyana doesn't seem to know at all.
Meanwhile, Nightcrawler has been losing a teleporting contest to Pixie. I know this is supposed to be some sort of key moment about how Pixie is a powerful teleporter, but let's be real here. Nightcrawler has the shortest teleportation range in the whole X-universe. Lila Cheney has an interstellar range; Blink can teleport to the moon and back; Illyana once traveled in time purely by accident. Nightcrawler is a cool character, but he's never been considered an especially great teleporter, with his 3-mile range and rank smell. Anyway, Kurt decides to talk to Megan about something else they have in common: her soul dagger. Megan starts getting emotional about having a piece of her soul ripped out, takes out her dagger, and unconsciously stabs Kurt in the chest. Of course, since her dagger is similar to Illyana's sword in that it rarely causes physical damage, Kurt's chest has no wounds. He is, however, knocked out. When Megan pulls her dagger out, everyone is surprised to see Illyana's soulsword hidden inside of him. Well, he did say they had something in common.
This issue finally brought up something that I brought up a few issues of Uncanny X-Men ago. When Pixie pulls out her soulsword, she sorta changes. I noticed it in the story where the X-Men raided the Hellfire Cult, and Pixie (of all people) was the only one who got in close enough to stop Empath. Quite a few people complained that Empath was powerful enough to render Storm and a few other characters useless with his emotion-based powers, but the rookie with bumblebee wings took him out. However, when you look at what Empath did to her, she pretty much did become useless and start crying uncontrollably when he used his powers on her, but then her souldagger appeared in her hand, and she suddenly stabbed him in the forehead.
By the way, it was great seeing Pixie drawn by someone other than Greg Land. He keeps making her look like a "barely 18" porno star, and forgets to draw black streaks in her hair. It's then up to the colorist, who drawns in dark grey streaks that make it look like her hair just isn't catching light in the right angles.
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DOCTOR WHO: THE FORGOTTEN #4
He has an umbrella, and he's not afraid to use it.
And IDW's massive love letter to classic Doctor Who continues. To recap: The 10th Doctor and Martha are trapped in a strange museum filled with artifacts from the Doctor's past adventures, and their actions are secretly being watched by an unseen man in a control room with a dodgy beard. The Doctor has amnesia, and has been trying to remember his past lives, one incarnation at a time. To top it off, the TARDIS is missing. Issue #3 ended on a cliffhanger, with Martha surrounded by giant spiders. This issue starts with Martha fighting off the spiders with a metal baseball bat. When one of them crawls onto her back, she calls for the Doctor, who rushes to her aid, and distracts the spiders by throwing something shiny at them. Namely, the glowy blue crystal in his sonic screwdriver. When Martha mentions that she hated having one of the spiders on her back, the Doctor suddenly remembers the phrase "There's something on your back," which the one or two people in this forum who watch Doctor Who might remember from the series four episode "Turn Left." It's weird that the Doctor knows that phrase, since the Doctor traveled with Donna during series four, and this book takes place during his travels with Martha during series three. But there's no time for that. The Doctor needs a new sonic screwdriver, so he tells Martha to go check the pockets of his 4th Doctor clothing. Before she leaves, she hands him a brooch shaped like a cat, hoping it'll jog his memories. You guessed it, kids. The Doctor has yet another flashback.
In this flashback, the 6th Doctor and Peri's Bosoms are in a court room. It turns out Peri's Killer Rack is being accused of murder, and the Doctor is her defense attorney. According to Peri's Knockers, she was just walking down the street on some planet of cat-people, when a boy ran up to her and handed her a gun. As soon as the boy runs away, the victim walked in front of Peri's Melons, and was apparently shot to death. Realizing the victim was a scientist working quantum flux technology, the Doctor asks the court to look at the victim's notes. The Doctor reads the notes, searches the lab, and finds a gun hidden in a drawer. The next day, the Doctor goes back to the court room, where he accuses the victim's assistant of murdering him and framing Peri's Sweater Puppets. The Doctor prepares to demonstrate that the gun he found in the lab uses quantum bullets that technically don't exist until they reach their target, allowing the victim's assistant to hand Peri's Hooters a fake gun while he stood far away and used the quantum gun to shoot the victim from far behind Peri's Awesome Boobage. With Peri's Bodacious Ta-Tas cleared, the Doctor has once again saved the day.
Peri has nice breasts.
When the 10th Doctor comes out of his flashback, he acknowledges that he knows that someone is watching him through a security camera. In the control room, we're treated to something very curious. The man with the dodgy beard (who in the first issue mentioned wanting the Doctor's remaining regenerations) commented about how alike they are, and that the Doctor should've just left him in the crucible. I'll get back to that later. In the mean time, we have a 7th Doctor flashback...
The 7th Doctor and Ace are on a war-torn planet. According to the Doctor, this war has been waging between the planet's inhabitants for about 1,500 years, and the Time Lords want it to end-- possibly to the extent of interfering and infecting the planet's inhabitants with a deadly virus. After getting capture by one set of troops and escaping, the Doctor and Ace find their way to an underground infirmary, where the medics have equipment capable of mass-producing medicine. The Doctor unscrewed the question mark off of the top of his umbrella, pouring out a Gallifreyan cure-all medicine that should help cure the people, since the disease sweeping their world is Gallifreyan in origin. The Doctor departs as he tells the people of the planet to "fight to survive," prompting the 10th Doctor to come out of his flashback.
The 10th Doctor remembers the medicine in his old umbrella, and drinks it as the TARDIS' cloister bell suddenly goes off. Martha says that she needs the Doctor back in fighting shape, since she knows the cloister bell means that there's some kind of major paradox happening. But that sets the Doctor off. Anyone who watches Doctor Who knows that Martha didn't hear the cloister bell until the Master had turned the TARDIS into a paradox machine, right? Well, the Doctor notices this, and says that Martha should have no idea what the cloister bell is for. He also remembers an earlier remark she made-- she told him that he's not the only doctor around (a reference to her studying to be a doctor). But if this takes place during series three, Martha is still a medical student. In fact, the Doctor then comments that Martha won't be a full medical doctor until after he gets her a job at UNIT. Up in the control room, the hidden bearded man says that he can't have the Doctor remembering his future, and sends a couple of robot drones to attack him.
Elsewhere (at least that's what the caption box says), we see the TARDIS floating in mid-space, with the Doctor unconscious on the floor. But he's not alone. There's a giant insect (like the one that was on Donna's back) on his chest. Ladies and gentlemen, the Doctor is trapped in an alternate reality created by a time-eating insect. This story takes place after series four, but the alternate reality is still stuck in series three. What's more, I have a feeling the evil mastermind behind this all isn't someone like the Master. I think it's the half-human Doctor. I looked up "the crucible." It was the Dalek ship from series four.
