Does this make sense, at all?

[turtlefocker]

FADE IN:

INT. CHURCH

TOM kneels in front of the CROSS-. The pews are empty behind him. His eyes are shut. We HEAR the sounds of the lit candles flickering. The candles are between him and the cross. The church is empty.

VOICE (o.s.)
What have you done?​

A MAN is standing in the middle of the church. He wears all black, as does Tom. The Mans voice is cold and confident; he's there for a reason.

Tom eyes open. He turns to see the man.

TOM
(Muttering) I thought the church was empty.​

Tom's voice was too low to be heard but the man heard it fine.

MARCUS
Church is never empty. There is always someone puttering about.​

Marcus does not move. The HAIRS on Tom's neck begin to stand. Something isn't right, he can feel it. He stands up.

TOM
Who are you?

MARCUS
My name is Marcus.​

TOM doesn't say anything, its clear that that wasn't the answer he was looking for.

MARCUS
You aren't a Church goer are you?

TOM
I don't believe in God

MARCUS
(Gesturing around him) But you're here?​

Tom looks around nervously. The CHURCH is darker than it was when he first entered. As if the light had drained away.

MARCUS
A man who doesn't believe in GOD finds himself kneeling to a cross.
(BEAT)
What have you done?​

Tom hears Marcus fine but doesn't feel comfortable answering the question, he steps forward and asks his own.

TOM
Are you the priest?​

Marcus moves forward gently, elegantly. As he gets closer to Tom; his pale face becomes shrouded in darkness despite the light of the candles.

MARCUS
No

TOM
Then who are you?

MARCUS
I already told you

TOM
you told me your name

MARCUS
yes, you wanted to know more, My full name perhaps?​

Tom's feeling of unease grows and he decides he has had enough. He goes to leave.

TOM
I'm getting out of here
​

Tom begins passing Marcus on his way to the entrance of the church.

MARCUS
And where will you go, they wouldn't want you back at home would they. Not after what you've done?​

Tom stops just after passing Marcus. The two turn and look at each other. For the first time Tom can clearly see just how pale Marcus is, pale enough that his cheekbones are highly noticeable.

TOM
Done, I haven't done anything.


MARCUS
you're a smart man Tom, there is no need for these games.
(BEAT)
Ive come here to hear your side of the story​

TOM is getting angry, while Marcus stays calm and collected.

TOM
My Side? Who have you been talking to?

MARCUS
I'm giving you a chance to tell me your view of what happened, if you'd prefer that I didn't?​

Tom just wants to get out of their, go somewhere else; somewhere he can be alone.

TOM
(arrogance) yea, yea Id prefer you didn't?

MARCUS
I wish you'd reconsider.

TOM
What's it matter to you? Someone pay you to come down here?

MARCUS
no no, nothing like that it's just I used to be like you.
(BEAT)
Nothing to live for.

TOM
(Sarcastic) And look how you turned out​

Marcus steps back once more giving Tom room to leave.

MARCUS
Yes​

Tom makes for the door, when suddenly he is GRABBED. Marcus's eyes fill with fire as he FLIES to the top of the Chapel, holding Tom by the throat. They land on the support beams. Marcus releases his grip. Tom lays on the beam gasping for air.

TOM
WHAT ARE YOU?!?

MARCUS
I gave you a chance to tell me your side of it

TOM
wah? I.. I.. I don't understand​

Marcus begins to calm, he decides to show mercy for a few moments.

MARCUS
I'm a Vampire​

Cold, Confident, If anyone else had said it, even after what had just happened, Tom wouldn't have believed them but the way Marcus said it, anyone would.

Marcus gives it time to sink in, time for Tom to catch his breath.

MARCUS
I only feed on those who've done wrong
(BEAT)
helps my conscience, I suppose.
(BEAT)
I have followed you for weeks, ever since the incident. I was going to grab you before you entered here. But when you entered the Church, I began to wonder. Had you changed? Coming in here was one of the last things id expect from you. An atheist.


TOM
I can change. I can, really I can be different. I can right my wrongs.

MARCUS
(grimly) you had your chance.
​

Marcus moves in for the kill.

TOM
You, you said you used to be like me​

Marcus's fangs dig into tom's neck. Draining him of his life. As Tom DIES the Church begins to light up to the way it was before Tom had entered. As if Tom had been the CAUSE of the DARKNESS.

Tom's life flashes before his eyes, the events that had lead to this. The one sin he couldn't have ever undone. And with his last ounce of strength, as the light from the candles reaches the top of the ceiling, Tom says the last words he'll ever say:

TOM
F*** You​

CUT TO: BLACK

 

[Green Goblin 1964]

was there a point to post the same thing twice?

 

[turtlefocker]

was there a point to post the same thing twice?

No one was replying here so I decided to post it in the main forum, that thread was then moved here. In retrospect I made a bad decision.

but then ,with two threads the only helpful comment ive gotten is from Brandon... well maybe not helpful but kind.

Id like to hear your thoughts on my short story type-thing.

 

[CristoTheSecond]

Vampires are so uncool, especially in gothic church settings.

 

[turtlefocker]

Vampires are so uncool, especially in gothic church settings.

ahh Cristo, my old nemesis. Hows life?

 

[CristoTheSecond]

ahh Cristo, my old nemesis. Hows life?

Pretty good, animal focker. How about with you?

 

[enterthemadness]

I like it! Some script problems though.

1. Beet should be spelled beat.

2. o.s. should be O.S.

3. Only cap the character's name in the action once, when they are first introduced.

I'm lazy, here's some links to help you out.

http://www.screenwriting.info/#script-styles

http://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html

http://www.scriptwritingsecrets.com/contents.htm

http://www.mythmakerjohn.com/craft_notes.htm

 

[turtlefocker]

I like it! Some script problems though.

1. Beet should be spelled beat.

2. o.s. should be O.S.

3. Only cap the character's name in the action once, when they are first introduced.

I'm lazy, here's some links to help you out.

http://www.screenwriting.info/#script-styles

http://www.simplyscripts.com/WR_format.html

http://www.scriptwritingsecrets.com/contents.htm

http://www.mythmakerjohn.com/craft_notes.htm

Thanks a lot for the help. The links are greatly appreciated also.

 

[mrsparkle]

Unless this is an interview with a vampire spin off I'd change the name of the vampire. Louis is a vampire who struggles with attacking innocents too so you might want to re think that. The only like I dont like is "i'm a vampire" maybe you could elaborate or reword that maybe something like make up your own name for the vampire species but have him add that they are more commonly known to humans as vampires. But over all I really like it keep it up.

 

[Shuley]

I didn't like it, you could have had a better line at the end other than F You!

 

[turtlefocker]

Unless this is an interview with a vampire spin off I'd change the name of the vampire. Louis is a vampire who struggles with attacking innocents too so you might want to re think that. The only like I dont like is "i'm a vampire" maybe you could elaborate or reword that maybe something like make up your own name for the vampire species but have him add that they are more commonly known to humans as vampires. But over all I really like it keep it up.

Thanks ill change the name and fix up that part.

 

[turtlefocker]

I didn't like it, you could have had a better line at the end other than F You!

Sorry to hear that you did not like it, was it just the final line or did the whole thing suck. I thought "F U" would fit the character of Tom, perhaps I was wrong.

 

[mrsparkle]

Well if we knew more about tom maybe we could judge his final words in a better light. Is this an opening scene? What is this a script for?

 

[Shuley]

Sorry to hear that you did not like it, was it just the final line or did the whole thing suck. I thought "F U" would fit the character of Tom, perhaps I was wrong.

I didn't care for the whole thing really. Anyone can say "F U" to someone,All I know about "Tom" is what I just read,so how do I know that "F U" would fit the character? See what I'm getting at? Perhaps maybe writing dialogue the same way you speak would be much better since it sounds more natural,but yet you add smart things to it. Ever see A History Of Violence? Well If you have remember the part where in the begining Tom Stall is being accused from being from Philly and he keeps telling the guy that he's not Joey from Philly, But yet when he has a gun to his face and Ed Harris says "Any lasts words before I blow your brains out"? Tom Stall says "I should of killed you back in Philly" See?? That's called smart/clever writing....

 

[turtlefocker]

Just something i wrote a few days back after watching The Lost Boys... perhaphs i should write a companion piece about Tom.

 

[turtlefocker]

I didn't care for the whole thing really. Anyone can say "F U" to someone,All I know about "Tom" is what I just read,so how do I know that "F U" would fit the character? See what I'm getting at? Perhaps maybe writing dialogue the same way you speak would be much better since it sounds more natural,but yet you add smart things to it. Ever see A History Of Violence? Well If you have remember the part where in the begining Tom Stall is being accused from being from Philly and he keeps telling the guy that he's not Joey from Philly, But yet when he has a gun to his face and Ed Harris says "Any lasts words before I blow your brains out"? Tom Stall says "I should of killed you back in Philly" See?? That's called smart/clever writing....

I should watch that, thanks for the advice.

 

[Vapor]

As someone who has various ideas but can never seem to put them to paper I give a thumbs up to anyone who can. And personally I thought it was alright.. For lack of a better word, it feels a bit generic, you know, there is an air of mystery to Marcus but it's nothing special but something I think could be expanded on..

As has been said maybe you could use a different word instead of vampire, such as vampiri or the romanian for vampire is Strigoi, which sounds different. Maybe he could say something like "I am Strigori.. *pause* ..vampire"

Toms last line feels a bit blatant..

Assuming that whatever bad thing he did he didn't willingly do it, maybe he could say something like "There's only one monster/evil here".. Or assuming that he willingly did the bad thing maybe he could say "You're no better than me"


P.S I noticed a grammar error in the line "Tom just wants to get out of their, go somewhere else; somewhere he can be alone." Their needs to corrected to there.