SUPERMAN: So, guys, here’s the wreckage of the Watchtower.
BATMAN: Yup. Any context for this given?
WONDER WOMAN: No, the reader would have to buy one of the five trillion lead-ins to Infinite Crisis to figure that out.
BATMAN: So, how ‘bout instead of actually, you know, doing something, we all just become talking heads and bicker for the rest of the issue.
WONDER WOMAN: Alright. Superman, you’re a dick.
SUPERMAN: You’re a *****. And Batman’s paranoid!
BATMAN: You haven’t inspired anyone since you died. Except for all the times that you did.
SUPERMAN: Yeah, well… your mom dresses you funny.
BATMAN: Damnit, wouldn’t you be scared of a man who wears his underwear on the outside if YOU were a criminal?
SUPERMAN: Anyhoo, Wonder Woman, people are scared of us because they saw what you did to Max Lord. So I’m not so mad as you for killing someone so much as I am that you got caught.
***
SUPERBOY: Hi, I’m going to die later because this event will have no effect on the DC universe unless SOMEBODY bites it. Isn’t that right, Geoff Johns?
GEOFF JOHNS: Yup.
SUPERBOY: Whoa. You must be a really sucky writer. I man, out of all the consequences that could come out of Wonder Woman killing a man, Batman accidentally creating an army of robots, the multiverse possibly coming back, the entire history of the DC universe being rearranged… you have to given the event “meaning” by killing someone. I mean, I realize I may be taking this somewhat personally, because you’re putting me under the gun, but DAMN. That is just pathetically bad writing.
GEOFF JOHNS: It was you or Nightwing. Dan Didio has a fetish for killing off Nightwing. Don’t ask me why.
***
DAN DIDIO: And once Nightwing is out of the way, my precious Starfire, you and I can consummate our love…
***
SUPERBOY: Anyway, I’m pussying out of doing anything to prevent the millions of deaths occurring right at this minute, or to help my friends and loved ones, because I’m depressed over the fact that Lex Luthor is my clone-daddy. Yeah, that’s right, I have two dads, Lex and Superman. ****ing Smallville and its ****ing Clex…
***
SHADOWY FIGURE 1: So, let’s see… Cassandra Cain, Maxwell Lord, Jean Loring… not to mention Tony Stark and Reed Richards over at the Distinguished Competition… anyone else that can be turned evil for no real reason?
SHADOWY FIGURE 2: Plus ruin a good bit of the DC universe’s actual mythology?
SHADOWY FIGURE 3: I don’t know. We already revealed that Barry Allen liked to mind-rape his rogues into reforming. I don’t know who else we can reveal to have been psychotic, murderous *****es.
SHADOWY FIGURE 1: I know! How about the original Superman! You know, the guy who started the whole superhero meme, the guy who is responsible for all of us having jobs?
SHADOWY FIGURE 2: Yeah! He’s been a serial killer all along! Brilliant!
SHADOWY FIGURE 1: It’s shocking and controversial! Therefore it must be good!
FANS: Hey, this sucks!
SHADOWY FIGURE 3: Controversy! People are talking about us! SQUEE!
***
DONNA: I’m taking Starfire and Supergirl into space with me.
NIGHTWING: To save the universe, right?
DONNA: Ummm… sure.
NIGHTWING: Can I come?
SUPERGIRL: Sorry, we have a no ***** allowed policy.
NIGHTWING: Why won’t you let in people named Dick?
SUPERGIRL: Your name is Dick?
***
OMAC: Now for the first of the pointless, gratuitous deaths! How sad is it that comic books actually have a body count these days? That’s something you see in
slasher movies, not literature. It’s death porn. It’s the 90s all over again. It’s… oh, wait, I forgot, I’m merely a plot device. Now to swarm around!
NIGHTWING: Wow. They’re actually ripping off the Matrix trilogy. That’s kinda like cribbing ideas from Sesame Street.
***
Meanwhile, in another part of the vastly overcomplicated plot…
KYLE RAYNER: We’ve got to find a way to stop this singularity! It’s doing irreparable damage… to our self-esteem!
SINGULARITY: Hey, Kyle, how does it feel that everyone likes Hal better than you and that the most memorable thing you’ve done as Green Lantern is had your girlfriend shoved in a fridge?
KYLE RAYNER: Big boys don't cryyy-iyyyy.
***
GANTHET: It’s worse than you know, Green Lanterns!
GANET GACKSON: Oa is no longer the center of the universe!
COPERNICUS: What have I been saying for the past five hundred years?
***
CRISPUS ALLEN: Well, our series is cancelled.
RENEE MONTOYA: Yup.
CRISPUS ALLEN: I’ve got a gig as the Spectre coming up. Being a token minority superhero is great!
RENEE MONTOYA: I think I’m supposed to be femslashed with Batwoman. Canonically, I mean.
CRISPUS ALLEN: Hey, look, there’s Captain Marvel.
RENEE MONTOYA: Oh my God! What happened to him?
CRISPUS ALLEN: He’s being written by Judd Winick now.
RENEE MONTOYA: We’d better not touch him. He could have the AIDS.
CRISPUS ALLEN: Hey, as a homosexual, I thought you’d be more tolerant than that!
RENEE MONTOYA: You don’t have to be straight to hate Judd Winick’s writing… but it helps.
***
UNCLE SAM: Alright, guys. We have to be killed off so that we can be replaced by a bunch of shades of gray “politically relevant” figures.
PHANTOM LADY: Hey! I can blend in with that! Watch! “The Zionists were behind 9/11!” See! I’m hip!
UNCLE SAM: Sorry. The new you has bigger boobs.
RAY: So how come we can survive a ridiculous amount of catastrophes, yet here we’re dropping like flies? It makes no sense!
UNCLE SAM: Hey. At least our deaths are on-panel. Could be worse. We could be Alpha Flight.
CONDOR: Don’t even JOKE about us being written by Bendis.
***
WONDER WOMAN: So, we’re STILL *****ing each other out? While people are DYING? Whoa. I mean, we’re just serious *******s. I mean, just complete and utter ****heels. Three of the most powerful heroes in the universe have their thumbs up their asses while, as we speak, our friends are being slaughtered.
SUPERMAN: But Diana, you KILLED people! You have to be brought to justice! I don’t care how many people could die while you’re being charged!
BATMAN: Hey, look. Mongul. Didn’t he used to be a big deal before every chump threshed him to show how tough they were?
***
DEATHSTROKE: And now, Phantom, you’ll die by me shoving my LONG POLE between your FEMININE BREASTS.
PHANTOM LADY: I see no subtext whatsoever in this. GAK!
DEATHSTROKE: I have a chubby you would not believe right now. In fact, you might say it’s a… one-eyed monster! AHAHAHAHA!
***
SUPERMAN: I can fight you, Mongul! I have Kryptonian superstrength!
WONDER WOMAN: And I’ve been gifted with powers by the gods themselves!
BATMAN: And I have little boomerangs!
EVERYONE ELSE: …
BATMAN: They’re shaped like bats!
***
HUMAN BOMB: I’m going to turn psychotic now!
BIZARRO: Is great to be Freedom Fighters fan now!
***
SUPERMAN: Well, Mongul is soundly defeated. Thanks for the help, Batman.
WONDER WOMAN: And now I’ll execute him. Since I’m apparently killing people willy-nilly now, even when it’s not necessary.
BATMAN: Damn, she’s become like the DC editorial staff!
***
PSYCHO PIRATE: Alright, Ray gets to live because he has vibrational DNA.
RAY: …what the hell? So it’s realistic to have people dying left and right, but you’re also throwing in the worst kind of bull**** comic book science? You can’t have it both ways, DC!
PSYCHO PIRATE: You forget, these are the people who paved the way for a positive lesbian role model by torturing and killing one female superhero, than turning another one evil. They’re used to having their cake and eating it too.
RAY: I don’t know anyone who’d want to eat a cake like that.
PSYCHO PIRATE: Neither does anyone else. You see, the direct market is like a series of tubes…
***
SUPERMAN: And now we’re still bickering while Human Bomb, Phantom Lady, and Uncle Sam have just been brutally slain.
WONDER WOMAN: Gods, we are just complete ***** right now. I mean, they called Nero crazy because he fiddled while Rome burned, we’re fiddling while the WORLD burns.
BATMAN: Yes. Debating complex moral issues in pithy sound bites while evil needs to be fought is wrong.
ALL: …
WONDER WOMAN: You know, the toon versions of us are ****ing.
BATMAN: I am aware of that.
***
KAL-L: Time to punch through the universe!
SUPERBOY PRIME: I’m sure this will never, ever be used as a cheap plot device.
JASON TODD: I live… again!
BATMAN: Wait, THAT’S the explanation? But Under The Hood doesn’t even have anything TO DO with Infinite Crisis! RIP-OFF!
LESLIE THOMPKINS: But look! I never murdered anyone to make a point now!
BATMAN: The issue isn’t that you no longer did it, it’s that you did it in the first place. You can’t just paint over these serious problems with…
DC: A wizard did it!
BATMAN: …
DC: …
BATMAN: No, I’m serious, you have to start…
DC: A wizard did it!
BATMAN: The issue is that you’re being…
DC: LOOK! WE HAVE MINORITIES NOW! LOOK AT ALL THE COLOREDS! THEY CAN BE HEROES TOO!
BATMAN: …
DC: *is proud*
BATMAN: You really are clueless, aren’t you?
DC: *smiles*
BATMAN: I mean, you have absolutely no idea what the fans want. You want their money, but at the same time you deride them as losers. You’re so desperate for “mainstream” appeal that you’re losing everything that made you special and unique in the first place. You’re actively trying to sell-out.
DC: *smile widens*
BATMAN: You’re not even trying to hide it. You’d sell your own mother if you thought it would get you a blurb in Newsweek. You think you’re peddling serious literature, but the real authors are looking down at you and laughing. You don’t get it and you never will.
DC: *continues smiling*
BATMAN: You can’t be money-grubbing corporate pigs and still be serious writers. It’s one or the other. You can’t do both.
DC: Did we mention that the new Batwoman is a dyke?
BATMAN: Sigh…
