Zev
Superhero
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INT. RANDOM PICTUREESQUE TOURIST ATTRACTION IN EUROPE
ROBERT LANGDON, a man with truly silly hair, and SOPHIE NEVEU, a girl who looks a lot like that chick from Amelie, run through the Random Pictureesque Tourist Attraction In Europe so fast that a fruit cart is knocked with.
LANGDON: We have to hurry, Amelie, a group of religious fundamentalists are threatening to take over the world.
SOPHIE: I told you, my name is Sophie Neveu.
LANGDON: Whatever, Amelie. We've got to stop those zealots!
SOPHIE: What zealots?
LANGDON: Why, the same zealots currently trying to take over the world and force everyone to believe as they do on pain of death!
SOPHIE: You mean...?
LANGDON: Yes! Hasidic Jews!
SOPHIE: What? I thought you were talking about the...
LANGDON: Shh! The Jews will just boycott us, those guys could burn us to death or something!
SOPHIE: Oh, right, right.
Suddenly, a HASIDIC JEW steps out from the shadows. He has a four-inch scar across his face, an eyepatch, and a hook for a hand.
HASIDIC JEW: You're too late, Robert Lang... hey, what's up with your hair?
LANGDON: Would everyone lay off my hair! My mom thinks I look cool!
HASIDIC JEW: Anyway, you're too late! There's no way you can disarm the nuclear bomb in time!
LANGDON: A nuclear bomb! But that's against ape law!
He turns to the audience.
LANGDON: In the near future, a plague has killed off all cats and dogs. Humans replace them with apes, who serve as both servant and pet. In time, the apes rebel against the humans, overthrowing them. They cordon off evidence of their past in a Forbidden Zone as humans devolve, losing their ability to speak. Eventually...
SOPHIE: Who cares? Come on!
Langdon and Amelie
SOPHIE: Sophie! Sophie Neveu!
Sorry. Langdon and Sophie run up to the bomb. A CROSSWORD PUZZLE is attached to it. Langdon starts filling it out.
SOPHIE: Fifty seconds!
LANGDON: I need a six letter word for cat or we'll all dead!
SOPHIE: Feline!
LANGDON: Amelie, I could kiss you!
AMELIE: That's Sophie!
The bomb deactivates. BILL GOLDBERG steps out of the shadows. He pulls a MENORAH out of his sleeve.
SOPHIE: Watch out! He's got a menorah!
Langdon and Goldberg circle each other as Star Trek fight music plays. Sophie stands nearby, helpless.
GOLDBERG: I've got a question for you, symbologist! This delicious dessert is "To a cracker"?
Goldberg cuts Langdon with the menorah.
LANGDON: An anagram!? You diabolical fiend!
GOLDBERG: I'll give you a hint! The result may shed some light on your predicament!
LANGDON: Shed some light... carrots help improve nightvision! The answer is carrot cake! And here's 24 "carrots" to get rid of you!
Langdon pulls off a gold ring and throws it over a nearby volcanic chasm. Goldberg jumps into it, but falls into the lava.
GOLDBERG: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
SOPHIE: Langdon, how did you know he would sacrifice himself to get at the gold?
LANGDON: All Jews will do whatever it takes to get their hands on gold. It's all written down in the Protocls of the Elders of Zion.
SOPHIE: Isn't that kind of anti-Semitic?
LANGDON: ...no.
His beeper rings. He pulls it out.
LANGDON: Great Scott! The Jewish Pope is about to release palindrome nerve gas on downtown Italy!
Langdon grabs a man riding on a SEGWAY and throws him aside.
LANGDON: Harvard symbologist, I'm commandeering your vehicle!
Sophie and Langdon jump onto the Segway, Sophie wrapping her arms around Langdon's waist.
LANGDON: Hang on, we may reach speeds in excess of twenty miles per hour!
He takes off. A car veers out of the way to avoid hitting them. It plows into a gas station, causing a massive EXPLOSION. Langdon and Amelie... err... Sophie barely outrun the fireball!
ROBERT LANGDON, a man with truly silly hair, and SOPHIE NEVEU, a girl who looks a lot like that chick from Amelie, run through the Random Pictureesque Tourist Attraction In Europe so fast that a fruit cart is knocked with.
LANGDON: We have to hurry, Amelie, a group of religious fundamentalists are threatening to take over the world.
SOPHIE: I told you, my name is Sophie Neveu.
LANGDON: Whatever, Amelie. We've got to stop those zealots!
SOPHIE: What zealots?
LANGDON: Why, the same zealots currently trying to take over the world and force everyone to believe as they do on pain of death!
SOPHIE: You mean...?
LANGDON: Yes! Hasidic Jews!
SOPHIE: What? I thought you were talking about the...
LANGDON: Shh! The Jews will just boycott us, those guys could burn us to death or something!
SOPHIE: Oh, right, right.
Suddenly, a HASIDIC JEW steps out from the shadows. He has a four-inch scar across his face, an eyepatch, and a hook for a hand.
HASIDIC JEW: You're too late, Robert Lang... hey, what's up with your hair?
LANGDON: Would everyone lay off my hair! My mom thinks I look cool!
HASIDIC JEW: Anyway, you're too late! There's no way you can disarm the nuclear bomb in time!
LANGDON: A nuclear bomb! But that's against ape law!
He turns to the audience.
LANGDON: In the near future, a plague has killed off all cats and dogs. Humans replace them with apes, who serve as both servant and pet. In time, the apes rebel against the humans, overthrowing them. They cordon off evidence of their past in a Forbidden Zone as humans devolve, losing their ability to speak. Eventually...
SOPHIE: Who cares? Come on!
Langdon and Amelie
SOPHIE: Sophie! Sophie Neveu!
Sorry. Langdon and Sophie run up to the bomb. A CROSSWORD PUZZLE is attached to it. Langdon starts filling it out.
SOPHIE: Fifty seconds!
LANGDON: I need a six letter word for cat or we'll all dead!
SOPHIE: Feline!
LANGDON: Amelie, I could kiss you!
AMELIE: That's Sophie!
The bomb deactivates. BILL GOLDBERG steps out of the shadows. He pulls a MENORAH out of his sleeve.
SOPHIE: Watch out! He's got a menorah!
Langdon and Goldberg circle each other as Star Trek fight music plays. Sophie stands nearby, helpless.
GOLDBERG: I've got a question for you, symbologist! This delicious dessert is "To a cracker"?
Goldberg cuts Langdon with the menorah.
LANGDON: An anagram!? You diabolical fiend!
GOLDBERG: I'll give you a hint! The result may shed some light on your predicament!
LANGDON: Shed some light... carrots help improve nightvision! The answer is carrot cake! And here's 24 "carrots" to get rid of you!
Langdon pulls off a gold ring and throws it over a nearby volcanic chasm. Goldberg jumps into it, but falls into the lava.
GOLDBERG: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
SOPHIE: Langdon, how did you know he would sacrifice himself to get at the gold?
LANGDON: All Jews will do whatever it takes to get their hands on gold. It's all written down in the Protocls of the Elders of Zion.
SOPHIE: Isn't that kind of anti-Semitic?
LANGDON: ...no.
His beeper rings. He pulls it out.
LANGDON: Great Scott! The Jewish Pope is about to release palindrome nerve gas on downtown Italy!
Langdon grabs a man riding on a SEGWAY and throws him aside.
LANGDON: Harvard symbologist, I'm commandeering your vehicle!
Sophie and Langdon jump onto the Segway, Sophie wrapping her arms around Langdon's waist.
LANGDON: Hang on, we may reach speeds in excess of twenty miles per hour!
He takes off. A car veers out of the way to avoid hitting them. It plows into a gas station, causing a massive EXPLOSION. Langdon and Amelie... err... Sophie barely outrun the fireball!
.
