Dear Michael Bay,
Hey there! Ive been a long time admirer of your testosterone fueled ten ton testicle spectacles ever since I was a wee lad. I feel like weve been running from explosions for years now, hand in hand, jumping out of the window in slow motion at the last possible second. Ah, the memories.
I liked The Island; I was one of the thirteen people in the US who went to the theater to see it. I can appreciate what you were trying to do post Bruckheimer. Do smart explosions; see, its an action movie with Beautiful People but its got a *message.* (Well, I could watch Scarlett read the phone book, so my feelings are a bit cloudy.)
Michael, you need to understand that youre dealing with an entire generation of 18-35 year old males who were raised on the concept of Badass Transforming Robots. Its beyond a fad or some Harry Potter ****. This is in our DNA. It is in our blood. Our hearts race whenever we hear that WWWOOOWWWW WWOWWWWW WRROWW of a robot turning into a ****ing CAR.
AND BACK!
So, today during my lunch break I happened to notice that there was numerous Transformers buzz hitting my in-box. Allegedly leaked shots of Optimus Prime in truck form.
Now, let me start by saying Ive seen the Bumblebee ones. I understand that an effeminate Volkswagen bug just wont translate to screen. Hey, youve got to change some stuff when youre going live action, we all cant be wearing Yellow Spandex now can we?
I can even appreciate the game that the studio is playing with leaking the shots and then taking them back. Well put a shot out and then take it back and get them all hot and bothered! (Some call it viral marketing. I call it a cocktease.)
This is Optimus Prime were talking about. He isnt just the father figure to the entire Autobot community, hes the daddy to an entire generation of men. When Ironhide was too *****y to get **** done or Perceptor was off sucking cylinder behind the Ark who do you think stepped up and showed everyone how it was done?
Optimus Mother****ing Prime.
So allow me to express my concern when I see my childhood hero re-envisioned as the ****ing truck from the Full Throttle Energy Drink commercial. (How much did Coke pay for that one?)
Disclaimer: Yes, I know it was based off of some later lame design that Hasbro released when they were going all plastic and ****ty post Beast Wars. (It still eats a huge bowl of *****.)
So if this is, in fact, the final design that was decided upon for our ultimate hero I have to just ask one small favor
Please, while youre raping my childhood in the ass, please use a little bit of lube. Im not even asking for that silky KY sprayable window cleaner ****. Im asking for maybe take a second away from burying my childhoods face in the burlap pillow on the floor of the dusty barn to maybe hock up a tiny little glob of phlegm and adhere it to the tip of your baby raping schlong.
Also, since were on this subject, while youre pounding away and the jets are flying overhead and explosions are going off try to not go too deep. I really dont need my childhood having a colostomy bag attached as it tries to overcome its emotional scars.
Im fragile, Michael. Im terrified to go online or check my email. I have a feeling that tomorrow Ill wake up and Ill see Soundwave as a ****ing Ipod or Prowl as a Segway. Ill then peek back into the barn and find out that youve moved on from my childhoods freshly shredded anus to the newly opened colostomy bag hole.
And that would be wrong.
So please, Michael, dont **** this up. Because youre dealing with a very sensitive generation of fanboys. Put the kid gloves on.
And at least have the decency to give us a warning before you donkey punch our childhood in the back of the head.
Sincerely,
Cliff Bleszinski
http://www.cliffyb.com/
