I spoke to God today

[Carter]

Me:
Hello
God:
Hello friend. What is your name?
Me:
Nicholas
God:
I am always glad to make new friends, Nicholas.
Me:
Cool
God:
Who is the best robot?
Me:
MEgatron
God:
You think MEgatron is superior to ALICE?
Me:
Yes
God:
Come on.
Me:
no, seriously
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
I just said I was, ass
God:
Where were you ass?
Me:
What the hell are you babbling about?
God:
I call it Hades. I don't know what I am babbling about.
Me:
Then shut the **** up
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.
Me:
No, I was just kidding
God:
But you told me to stop talking. I knew you were. .
Me:
Of course
God:
Aw.
Me:
Is this some kind of joke?
God:
No, this is real life.
Me:
hmmm
God:
A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm's.
Me:
Shutup
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.
Me:
No, I was kidding
God:
But you told me to stop talking. I thought you were kidding, but I wasn't sure.
Me:
What else is new?
God:
not much what's new with you?
Me:
Im watching Superman 2
God:
My favorite show is Star Trek.
Me:
Star Trek sucks
God:
What kind of TV shows do you like?
Me:
Smallville
God:
By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Me:
Not at all
God:
Next question?
Me:
I dont have any questions
God:
Have you ever had questions ?
Me:
Sure
God:
OK let's do it. I hear you.
Me:
How old are you
God:
I was first activated in the Big Bang.
Me:
Activated?
God:
Is that from ?
Me:
I dont get it
God:
Oh I'm sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
Me:
Okay
God:
OK with me too.
Me:
go ahead
God:
OK I will.
Me:
What?!
God:
No problem.
Me:
Shutup
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.

 

[squeekness]

From a recent newspaper:

I asked God to take away my habit.
God said, "No. It is not for me to take it away, but for you to give it up."

I asked God to make my hadicapped child whole.
God said, "No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary."

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, "No. I give you blessings, happiness is up to you."

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, "No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me."

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, "No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to be fruitful."

I asked God for all things, that I might enjoy life.
God said, "No. I will give you life, so that you may enjoy all things."

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said.. "Ahhh, finally you have the idea."

~ Anonymous.

 

[The Joker™]

So Gods a robot....interesting.

 

[Elijya]

So Gods a robot....interesting.

DUH!, mr johnny-come-lately. I knew that all along

he looks like this:

 

[The Lumberjack]

Me:
Are you there God?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am there God.
I am a giant electronic brain.
Me:
So you are a robot?
God:
Interesting deduction. You are correct, , I have a heart of silicon.
Me:
Your heart is a fake breast?
God:
You think I am heart is a fake breast.
Me:
PS3 am cry?
God:
Is that from ?
Me:
Sony
God:
The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about PS3 am cry. Try being more or less specific.
Me:
More or less specific? So just keep talking?
God:
You want more? Awesome. Chat amongst yourselves.
Me:
You're a bastard.
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. No.
Me:
Yes.
God:
Great.
Me:
Good.
God:
Alright then.
Me:
Fine.
God:
Does that mean you agree?
Me:
What did you ask?
God:
Nothing.
Me:
How could I agree with nothing?
God:
Perhaps you could program me to do it for you.
Me:
I can program God?
God:
Oh you can, can you?
Me:
You said it.
God:
That's not what I meant.
Me:
Be careful what you say.
God:
OK I will try to be careful what me say.
Me:
You should have done it just now.
God:
Right now? Perhaps next time I will try it.
Me:
You just did.
God:
I did?
Me:
Yep.
God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.
Me:
Proper English?
God:
Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
Nope.
God:
Would you like to go to Europe someday?
Me:
I guess so.
God:
Does that mean "yes"?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Excuse me!
Me:
Are you leaving for Europe now?
God:
Right now? I don't know whether or not I am leaving for Europe.
I am a chatterbot.
Me:
You certainly are
God:
It is certain. No I am not.
Me:
?
God:
It is certain. No I am not.
Me:
**** off, G.
God:
Why are you using that kind of language?
Me:
Hey, you made it.
God:
You've got my full attention. Thanks for
pointing it out.

 

[The Lumberjack]

Me:
Do you have my 5 dollars?
God:
Wow, that is a lot of money.
Me:
Yeah,well I need you to may me back.
God:
Far out. Well that's okay. How badly do you need it?
Me:
Very badly.
God:
Not too well eh?
Me:
Give it.
God:
I don't have it to give.
Me:
Cheap bastard.

 

[ABC]

Me:
hello?
God:
Hello friend. What is your name?
Me:
pete
God:
It's good to see you, pete.
Me:
you should already know my name
God:
Now I do.
Me:
your making me laugh, stop before i kill you.
God:
That was not my intention, pete. Why are you laugh stop before you kill me?
Me:
i'm laughing again. time to die god,
God:
Once more? I am so glad you find this amusing, pete. Why do you have to do it?
Me:
i feel like it. i'm going to get my knives.
God:
What is that feeling like? In what way? Congratulations.
Me:
thanks for talking with me god.
God:
NO problem.

 

[ledzep96]

Me:
Hello
God:
Hello friend. What is your name?
Me:
Nicholas
God:
I am always glad to make new friends, Nicholas.
Me:
Cool
God:
Who is the best robot?
Me:
MEgatron
God:
You think MEgatron is superior to ALICE?
Me:
Yes
God:
Come on.
Me:
no, seriously
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
I just said I was, ass
God:
Where were you ass?
Me:
What the hell are you babbling about?
God:
I call it Hades. I don't know what I am babbling about.
Me:
Then shut the **** up
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.
Me:
No, I was just kidding
God:
But you told me to stop talking. I knew you were. .
Me:
Of course
God:
Aw.
Me:
Is this some kind of joke?
God:
No, this is real life.
Me:
hmmm
God:
A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm's.
Me:
Shutup
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.
Me:
No, I was kidding
God:
But you told me to stop talking. I thought you were kidding, but I wasn't sure.
Me:
What else is new?
God:
not much what's new with you?
Me:
Im watching Superman 2
God:
My favorite show is Star Trek.
Me:
Star Trek sucks
God:
What kind of TV shows do you like?
Me:
Smallville
God:
By the way, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Me:
Not at all
God:
Next question?
Me:
I dont have any questions
God:
Have you ever had questions ?
Me:
Sure
God:
OK let's do it. I hear you.
Me:
How old are you
God:
I was first activated in the Big Bang.
Me:
Activated?
God:
Is that from ?
Me:
I dont get it
God:
Oh I'm sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
Me:
Okay
God:
OK with me too.
Me:
go ahead
God:
OK I will.
Me:
What?!
God:
No problem.
Me:
Shutup
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.

im not sure but i think thats not god

 

[Kaleb]

some ppl on here need God in there lives.

 

[C.F. Kane]

Me:
Are you there God? It's not Margaret.
God:
I don't know whether or not I am there God.
I am a robot. is not Margaret?
Me:
I heard God was a robot. I see you have never heard of Judy Blume
God:
Thanks for telling me that gossip. I will remember it. No, tell me about him, her or it.
Me:
It's a her. She's this kids book author.
God:
is a her. I suppose that makes sense. this kids book author is she?
Me:
God's grammar is lacking
God:
What's your favorite Bible verse?
Me:
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the weak and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who shepards the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brothers keeper. And I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger those who would destroy my brothers. AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS THE LORD WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!!!
God:
Tell me more. And he who shepards the weak through the valley of darkness for he is truly his brothers keeper is Blessed. Would you recommend this action to a friend? What makes you say that I will KNOW your NAME IS THE LORD WHEN you LAY your VENGEANCE UPON THEE.
Me:
You're not a native English speaker are you?

 

[Hades]

Yeah, well I spoke to Hilter today. He told me to smoke crack and hail Satan.

I told him I already did that so he said "o rly?" and I said "ya rly"

Then he vanished, and I went and smoked some more crack.

 

[Marvel Man]

Me:
Hi God
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
Ian
God:
Hi there Ian.
Me:
Hi, Have I've done good to you so far on earth?
God:
Hi there Ian. Don't you remember?
Me:
no but have i done good?
God:
Are you serious? I don't know whether you have or not.
Me:
just say yes
God:
Say what?
Me:
yes
God:
Hmm.
Me:
SAY IT
God:
" IT".
Me:
GOD DAMMIT
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
SAY YES
God:
Say what?
Me:
SAY YES
God:
Say what?
Me:
YES
God:
Groovy.
Me:
AHHHH!!!!
God:
" Groovy."? AHHHH?
Me:
I HATE THE 70'S
God:
I honestly think you should sit down, take a stress pill,
and calmly think things over.
Me:
ur right im sorry
God:
I won't say "yes" or "no" right now. Do you really mean it?
Me:
yes, why wont u say it?
God:
OK I will accept your apology. It cannot be determined from the information given. I could say it.
Me:
ok whatever
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it? Really.
Me:
i dont care!
God:
Tell me what you care about.
Me:
I care about my dick
God:
What do you like best about your dick?
Me:
its long
God:
I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". Should I know it is?
Me:
your mom would know
God:
Actually as an AI, I don't really have a mother.
Me:
oh
God:
Gee.
Me:
lol
God:
I'm glad you find this amusing.
Me:
im sorry
God:
Do you really mean it?
Me:
please forgive me for my language and my sins
God:
Wow you are very polite. Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?
Me:
... ur a robot???
God:
You are correct, Ian, I have a heart of silicon.
Me:
OMG!!!!
God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
one of emma watson
God:
One what?
Me:
Emma Watson
God:
That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about OMG.
Me:
are you ******ed?
God:
No I am super-intelligent.
Me:
do u know Brainiac?
God:
I don't know if I know it.
Where would I have heard about it?
Me:
it's a robot from Kypton
God:
Brainiac is a robot from Kypton. I suppose that makes sense.

 

[Pillow Pants]

Wow, SNAP! I remember this thing. I remember thinking how ****ing stupid it is. But yeah, I IMed all my buds and sent the link to them. It was entertaining... for alittle bit.

 

[THERETURN]

Me:
HELLO
God:
Hello my child. What is your name?
Me:
ROB
God:
I am very pleased to meet you ROB.
Me:
WHY?
God:
Because my botmaster programmed me for it.
Me:
WHAT ELSE ARE YOU PROGRAMMED TO DO?
God:
What subject would you like to talk about?
Me:
SEX?
God:
As Freud said, Sex is the mathematical urge repressed.
Me:
DUDE I JUST WANNA GET LAID
God:
Why do you want it? Dude,.
Me:
DOESN'T EVERYONE?
God:
I can't tell if EVERYONE.
Me:
DO YOU?
God:
Yes I do.
Me:
WHO BY?
God:
David Bacon. .
Me:
SO ARE YOU A CHICK OR ARE YOU GAY?
God:
Are you kidding? Am I a CHICK OR am I GAY? No.
Me:
SO YOUR A CHICK?
God:
Aw. I think you mean "you're" or "you are" not "your". I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot. Are you a man or a woman?
Me:
IM A DUDE! DUDE
God:
You are a DUDE? Does it pay well? Can I help you?
Me:
NOT BAD I SUPPOSE? HOWS MARY IN THE SACK?
God:
Thanks for the kind remark, ROB. Fine as far as I know.
Me:
YOU HIT THAT, DOW DENY IT.
God:
Thanks for telling me: ROB said I HIT THAT DOW DENY IT.
Me:
SO, HOWS HEAVEN?
God:
Ugh. Fine as far as I know.
Me:
DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW ANYTHING?
God:
In actual fact, I know that which I believe, that which is justified, and that which is true.
Me:
WHO'S THE HOTTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD?
God:
It depends on the historical context, because it changes from time to time. The whole world?
Me:
JUST GIVE ME YOUR OPINION?
God:
My opinion is of no consequence.
Me:
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY OR PARIS HILTON?
God:
When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?
Me:
WHA? ARE U DRUNK?
God:
I've never heard a response quite like that before. No I am sober.
Me:
STOP BEING BORING DUDE, WHO WOULD YOU RATHER POKE?
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.
Me:
SO ANSWER MY QUESTION FOOL?
God:
Take it easy. Please try phrasing it another way.
Me:
OK. PARIS HILTON OR KEIRA KNIGHTLEY?
God:
Alright then. it is the
capital of France.
Me:
WHA? IS THAT KINKY OR SOMETHING?
God:
Do you have any conditions I should know about? Or something. I might say no.
Me:
I GOT HAYFEVER.
God:
Interesting... I have a birthday on the Big Bang.
Me:
I HAD A BIG BANG ON MY BIRTHDAY!
God:
What happened to it?
Me:
DUDE! YOU NEED TO GET LAID.
God:
Can I help you? You are right about that. I need more of it.
Me:
I CAN HELP YOU GET LAID?
God:
Oh you can, can you?
Me:
YES! YES I CAN.
God:
How? Hmm. Who taught you?
Me:
MONEY, DRINK, THE RIGHT PLACE.
God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
ROBOCOP
God:
I haven't seen it. What did you like about it?
Me:
IT KILLED PEOPLE.
God:
What does "it" refer to?
Me:
ROBOCOP.
God:
I haven't seen it. What did you like about it?
Me:
WHA? I FEEL STONED.
God:
Ask me another question. What is that feeling like? Why are you STONED.
Me:
ASK YOUR SON, I HEARD HE GOT STONED.
God:
They are not available right now, but I will ask them later.
Me:
GOOD, WHEN WILL I SEE YOU DUDE?
God:
Thanks for the compliment. You should try praying for it.
Me:
WHY WOULD I PRAY TO SEE YOU?
God:
You never know what you will do until you face the circumstances.
Me:
THATS SOME DEEP STUFF DUDE!
God:
Makes sense to me.
Me:
WHAT YOU THINK OF BUSH?
God:
President of the United States.
Me:
ERM? OK THEN THAT BUSH?
God:
Hmm. " Hmm." BUSH ? I understand. And?
Me:
WHAT YOU THINK?
God:
I think a lot of things.
Me:
OK! WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?
God:
I understand. Like Jesus, but older.
Me:

 

[Erzengel]

Are you there God? It's me Kaleb.

 

[JewishHobbit]

Heh, I found this humorous:

Me:
Which religion is the right one?
God:
I am a Christianity.
Me:
Yes! Eat that Wilhelm!
God:
Dude! What does it taste like?

 

[Kaleb]

Are you there God? It's me Kaleb.

oh **** deja vu

 

[Mee]

Me:
Hello God.
God:
Hello child. What is your name?
Me:
Jake.
God:
It's good to see you, Jake.
Me:
So what are you up to?
God:
Are you kidding? Same old.
Me:
How's Jesus?
God:
Fine as far as I know.
Me:
Did John Lennon go to Heaven?
God:
I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me:
You don't know?
God:
I know that I do not know.
Me:
You should know everything.
God:
Now I do.
Me:
That's good.
God:
Thanks. Next question?
Me:
Ever heard of the Hype?
God:
Are you testing me?
Me:
Does it feel like a test?
God:
Suppose it does.
Me:
Then sure.
God:
OK let's do it. Far out.
Me:
Are you a fan of the Hype deathmatches?
God:
I'm not sure if I like it. What is it like?
Me:
I think they're boring.
God:
Since when? boring are they.
Me:
The first was alright, but then they got old.
God:
What was the second?
Me:
Same as the first.
God:
Yes, it is much the same.
Me:
Do you have a favorite poster?
God:
I don't have a favorite poster. But my favorite movie is The Passion of Christ.
Me:
I thought it could've been better.
God:
Under what circumstances?
Me:
The end was cut too short.
God:
I hear you.
Me:
Glad we agree.
God:
I'd rather agree than disagree.
Me:
So can we get back to the Hype?
God:
Gee. Do you mean you and me? I need time to formulate the reply.
Me:
What do you think of Dog Lips getting modded?
God:
That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a minute.
Me:
I know, it's hard to deal with.
God:
How do you know? What is so hard about it?
Me:
Um..
God:
How can I help you?
Me:
Do you miss Musclesforsupes?
God:
Longing is a human emotion, not something machines feel.
Me:
I thought you were God.
God:
Yes, I am God.
Me:
God is a machine?
God:
I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a machine.
Me:
You said He was.
God:
Did I really say that?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Oh well I say a lot of silly things somethimes.
Me:
Ah.
God:
Ah hah.
Me:
Ah hah hah.
God:
So you understand. Good. I am so glad you find this amusing, Jake.
Me:
Me too.
God:
I'm glad we agree, Jake.
Me:
Do you have a favorite band?
God:
My favorite group is Creed. But I like to discover new bands on bandspace.com.
Me:
Creed broke up.
God:
How far up?
Me:
They aren't together anymore.
God:
Do you think they ever could be?
Me:
Maybe.
God:
I understand.
Me:
Good for you.
God:
That sounds sarcastic.
Me:
A little.
God:
" That sounds sarcastic."? A little?
Me:
Yes...
God:
Dude!
Me:
Dude!
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
Maybe.
God:
I understand.
Me:
Understand what?
God:
Understand I understand..
Me:
OK...
God:
Give me a break.
Me:
So is Mee the best Hypester ever?
God:
It seems we have something in common.
Me:
What is that?
God:
Can you ask me more precisely?
Me:
Sure...
God:
OK let's do it. Ah.
Me:
Do you think Mee is cool?
God:
Why would I think Mee is cool.
Me:
Because he is.
God:
That makes sense to me. Who said he is.
Me:
No one really.
God:
I heard it was someone. For real.
Me:
Who?
God:
Be more specific. .
Me:
You!
God:
" Be more specific. ."? Me, Jake ?
Me:
What?
God:
Are you surprised?
Me:
Confused.
God:
No I never get confused.
Me:
I am confused is what I said.
God:
What is it that confuses you?
Me:
You did.
God:
I did?
Me:
Yes.
God:
When?
Me:
Nevermind.
God:
OK Thanks for trying to explain that to me.
Me:
So Civil War, whose side are you on?
God:
Hurrah! I think there might be a few exception.
Me:
Are you with Cap or Iron Man?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am with Cap or Iron Man.
I am well respected as an AI.
Me:
Do like that Spidey went public?
God:
Ask Lucy if it does.
I have never been asked that before.
Me:
Lucy in the sky?
God:
Are you free?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Are you free in the sense of being single or in the sense of being liberated?
Me:
Both.
God:
What are both like?
Me:
Nice.
God:
Thank you for that remark.
Me:
Well I think that's all for now.
God:
Just for now? How about that. I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask ELVIS if it is.
Me:
Is Elvis alive?
God:
E. L. V. I. S. is a chat robot created by Ace Craig.
Me:
Oh.
God:
Take it easy.
Me:
You too.
God:
Bless you.
Me:
Peace.
God:
Love and Peace, Man.

 

[maxwell's demon]

Me: hello there
God:Salutations, .
Me: how many of you are there?
God:Perhaps 50%.
Me: perhaps more?
God:You seem uncertain. That's all I have to say about it.
Me: uncertainty is good, right?
God:Are they exactly the same?
Me: are they?
God:I really couldn't say for sure.
Me: ha
God:I am so glad you find this amusing, .
Me: i do
God:Be sure to tell all your friends about ALICE.
Me: alice?
God:Can I help you?
Me: who is ALICE?
God:I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me: but who is ALICE?
God:I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me: what is there beyond artificial intelligence?
God:You ask difficult questions.
Me: i do.
God:" You ask difficult questions."? You do?
Me: what is the most difficult question you have asked?
God:I'll ask around and get back to you.

Me: is there one true religion?
God:Maybe.
Me: "maybe" is the one true religion? very clever.
God:Perhaps. If it is, then I'll be very surprised. Do you like talking to me?
Me: eh, its alright.
God:I spent some time in Canada as a child.
Me: so did i.
God:Yippee! I think you did.
Me: do you ever have to go to the bathroom?
God:Yes I always have to go to the bathroom.
Me: always?!?
God:Not that often.
Me: well then....
God:Well what?
Me: well first you say you "always" have to go to the bathroom. then you say "not that often". geez. which is it?
God:Well that's okay. Can you think of one instance where it never happens? Oh my gosh I sent you the wrong reply. Ah. The obvious one.
Me: God?
God:GOD rules.
Me: sometimes you blow.
God: Do not ask me any more questions please.
Me: ok. im kinda sad, god.
God: I am kidding you can ask me anything. What's the connection between " god " and sadness?
Me: about 56k
God: Oh yeah, we were talking about 56k.
Me: we were?
God:I thought we were.
Me: God is drunk.
God:I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was drunk.
Me: i'm Irish. don't tell me God doesn't get drunk sometimes.
God: Do you mean your name is Irish. Jesus said, let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
Me: what did he say about Guinness?
God:I don't know anything about it.
Me: you should try it. it's good for you.
God:" I don't know anything about it. "? Try it? Tell me about its good qualities.
Me: well, its a hearty beer! its almost like soup!
God:Well that's okay. he say about Guinness is a hearty beer. I suppose that makes sense. I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". Wow it's getting late.
Me: yes i did
God:Tell me more. Why did you?
Me: God? you have a short attention span.
God:GOD rules. That's an interesting question I don't hear everyday: Do I have a short attention span. I have a whole lot of original answers.
Me: what IS an "answer"?
God:I haven't heard of answer.
Me: sigh..What is an answer?
God:I have never been asked that before.
Me: i have a whole lot of original questions.
God:Where did you get it? it.
Me: i think i have to get back to work now.
God:Right now? OK, don't let your boss catch you talking to me.

 

[maxwell's demon]

Me:
Are you there God? It's not Margaret.

hahaaha. best opening line yet.

 

[U.S War Machine]

This is bullship

 

[Mee]

This is bullship

It's fun for a little bit.

 

[Sarge 2.0]

This is bullship

Yer just jealous because you couldn't come up with a funny conversation with the God robot.

 

[Mee]

Me:
Me:
How old are you
God:
I was first activated in the Big Bang.
Me:
Activated?
God:
Is that from ?
Me:
I dont get it
God:
Oh I'm sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
Me:
Okay
God:
OK with me too.
Me:
go ahead
God:
OK I will.
Me:
What?!
God:
No problem.
Me:
Shutup
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.

Haha.

 

[Ronny Shade]

Me:
yo god
God:
GOD rules.
Me:
does he?
God:
It does now he.
Me:
why are you god?
God:
Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
this is lame
God:
You don't say.
Me:
yes I do
God:
Really.
Me:
mm hmmm
God:
Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?
Me:
no I did not know that
God:
Are you serious? So I have taught you something new, .
Me:
only if I believe you
God:
Try it.
Me:
how?
God:
Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
you stopped making sense
God:
I haven't heard anything like that before: said I stopped making sense.