If The Internet Existed Back Then...

[I_Hate_U_All]

Here's a new idea for a thread I had while reading some Harry Potter postings...

Well, we've all probably had the thought "What would people on the internet have been saying about movies during the days before all this world wide web bull?"

That's the thought I had. So let's have fun with the idea.

The general guideline here is you have to act like a typical movie fan (critic?) online. Meaning, NEVER BE SATISFIED. That's not necessarily bad, mind you, it's just typical/predictable behavior, and therefore, fun to parody.

I'll begin...

1933 KING KONG

logging on as: Oldbean1912

"Indeed old chaps, this film was very poorly concieved. I felt nothing for the young lady in the grasp of that terribly animated ape. Hardy har har, t'was worthy of a hearty laugh to see such an outrageous display of bad animation. I declare, my 2 year old could have crafted a better film with his finger paints and wooden blocks. Only a patsy would be foolish enough to waste a sunny aftertoon on this, I say. Hollywood is truly all a shambles! Huzzah. Curse you, Cooper and Schoedsack! A pox on your families!

--

Your turn. Please make it worthwhile.

 

[vampireslayer97]

Star Wars 1977.

Dudes, this movie sucked worse than the cops taking away my stash from my "free love" van! That Darth Vader dude sounded like he needed some cough syrup and those two robots looked so fake that was it was soooooo not groovy, man. Those ships in space? Man, they I swear I could see the string holding them up the entire time! I was pretty high at the time though, so I really can't back that up. Well, Brady Bunch is about to come on soon, so I think I'll listen to a Hendrix record and watch that. Peace and free love to all, dudes!



Eh, best I can do right now lol.

 

[Rac]

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

Fcking Warner Brothers! Fck! This is just a lame ass kids version of Max. George Miller should have done the end of his trilogy in Australia too and not come to Hollywood. They even hired another director for this 'cause they apparently didn't trust Miller enough. From R to PG-13, c'mon! And remember The Gyro Captain from Mad Max 2? Well, he's like totally different character in this. The opening of the movie is promising but everything goes shait from down there. Tina Turner's theme song is at least quite good and somehow ironically correct. "We don't need another hero"...

Go see Back to the Future for second time instead of this. Or try to catch some matinea shownings of MM1 and/or 2. God I'm pissed.

 

[Fried Gold]

Arrivée d'un train à La Ciotat, L' (1895)

I did not stay until the climix of the entertainment, for I, as with many others, fled for my life as a steam locomotive headed straight for us.

 

[I_Hate_U_All]

Star Wars 1977.

Dudes, this movie sucked worse than the cops taking away my stash from my "free love" van! That Darth Vader dude sounded like he needed some cough syrup and those two robots looked so fake that was it was soooooo not groovy, man. Those ships in space? Man, they I swear I could see the string holding them up the entire time! I was pretty high at the time though, so I really can't back that up. Well, Brady Bunch is about to come on soon, so I think I'll listen to a Hendrix record and watch that. Peace and free love to all, dudes!



Eh, best I can do right now lol.

ah, hell, it's better than mine. I guess I need to try harder.


ROCKY

Logging on as- Jackson5luva

Hey gang, whatshappenin? i gotta say this is a piece of ****. What's with the dude talkin to some turtles for five hours? That's the whole movie, some dude talkin to his turtles and **** like on mister Rogers neiborhood. It's mother****in Mr. Rocky's neigborhood if you ask me. Then we get all hyped up that this punk talkin to his stupid fish is going to win the big fight, then he _spoiler!_ loses and that's that. Show over... of all the films I can predict will have a sequels these days, I'll say for a fact right now, my brothers and sisters, THIS AIN'T ONE OF THEM.

Here's my actual thoughts on the 80s transformers the movie:

Logging on as- Optimus_Pine83

WHAT THE HELL? They killed Optimus Prime! Screw this lame crap, I'm going to play some Mario Bros. Just need to blow the cartrige a bit here... *woohh wooohh* Ah, excellent, completely dust free. *ping* [--nintendo--]

-ET-

Logging on as- Yoda_for_president

SPIELBERG SHOULD LOSE HIS LICENSE TO DIRECT FILMS. Yes, I'm serious guys. Tell me, how can someone allow this man to destroy cinema's golden standards today with his silly alien stories. First Third encounters with its completely unbelievable aliens and this one now with a cartoony squashy looking piece of crap he's trying to pass off as a man from mars. Stick to War of the Worlds and Star Wars, my friends. This is an abomination of current film standards for the fact that this movie makes no sense...

We see these aliens have super advanced space ships that can go across the galaxy and stuff, but what the hell, they can't do a head count before blasting off back to pluto? The only good part was the yoda referrence. Pleased me, it did!