Zev
Superhero
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There is no activity as integral to the fanboy experience as the dream-cast (no, not the Sega kind, although that was awesome
Chu-Chu Rocket!). Say what you will about how it does a disservice to the comics to wait around for a movie adaptation to legitimize them, its still great fun. I think the fangirl equivalent would be cutting out headlines to make a collage of words that remind you of a particular superhero. Wait, I do that. (Iron Man = iPhone + Fred Thompson.)
So, without further adieu, my nerd credentials. (Is this incredibly self-indulgent and a pointless waste of time? Yes. Is it funner and more constructive than ranting about Dan Didio? You bet your ass!)
Kristanna Loken as Big Barda
This one was surprisingly easy. With someone like Wonder Woman, you need acting, filling out the suit, ethnicity, strength, feminism, et al. With Barda, its drastically simpler. Theres one key element: Physicality. Barda has to be tall and imposing as ****.
For a moment I was leaning towards Claudia Black, genre badass supreme, but she pretty much already did the abandon the paramilitary fascist force for love arc on Farscape. A few other names were tossed around (Rosario Dawson maaaaybe?), but no, it had to be Loken. Just get her some black hair dye, bulk her up a little, and hand her a Mega-Rod. Mission accomplished.
Ewan McGregor as Scott Free
Much harder this one. My conception of Scott Free is this easy-going, laid-back, gallant Prince Charming who doesnt wallow in his emo man-pain, even though hes earned it. Kicked out of paradise, raised in hell yet aside from some nightmares and the occasional anxiety attack, this guys pretty chipper. So we need someone who can pull off boyish charm and also high-minded angst, plus be a credible action hero for when the clock strikes Tony Jaa oclock.
Ben Browder (yes, I have been on a Farscape kick recently), a buffed-up Alan Tudyk, even Christian Bale nothing seemed to be working. Then I thought Down With Love mixed with the occasional YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE! from RotS. Oh yeah. Thats our Scott Free.
Judi Dench as Granny Goodness
I know Granny gets played for camp most days but what if she wasnt? This is Darkseids right-hand woman, after all, and the lady who tortured Scott from infanthood up. When Scotts terrified of her, we should emphasize. When Scott kicks her ass, we should cheer. So it makes no sense to deliberately make the audience wonder why Scotts quivering in fear at an old lady.
At first I was thinking Glenn Close, Angela Lansbury, Meryl Streep whoevers rent came due first. And Meryl Streep hey, she was pretty evil in The Devil Wore Prada, right? But that was a whispery, passive-aggressive kind of evil. Granny Goodness needs to CACKLE. Then I started wondering what would happen if you took Judi Denchs M and gave her a super-creepy milk-and-cookies vibe. Oh yeah. Plaster her face onto a stuntwoman for the action sequences and go to town.
Udo Kier as Virman Vundabar
Do I even have to explain this one? Apokolips should be packed with so many character actors that it puts Rob Zombies Halloween to shame (not that it needs any help in that department). The archetypal German villain actor for the archetypal German villain. Prussian. Whatever.
Makes sense to me.
Clive Owen as Orion
Another toughie. At first, dont ask me why, I was thinking Kurt Russell. But no, Orion and Scott should be from roughly the same generation. So then I stayed on the tough guy schtick Gerald Butler hmmm but eventually it came down to my idea that Scott and Orion should be mirrors of each other, in a sense. So while Scott has this charming British accent, Orion has this dirty soccer hooligan kind of talk. That, and when his disguise gets stripped away and he turns out to be as mudpatchy in the facial area as daddy dearest, women should still say Id hit that.
Cillian Murphy as Jim Harper/Golden Guardian
Every story about aliens duking it out on Earth needs a human to keep score. In my perverted mind, its only fitting that be a Kirby character. But who? There were humans in New Gods, but they were all pretty forgettable. Theres Ted Brown, son of the original Mr. Miracle, but I think there are already enough father-son dynamics going on. Save that one for the sequel.
I wanted someone to play the Jimmy Olsen role, as per the first appearance of the First World, but obviously not Jimmy Olsen himself. Then it hit me. Jim Harper, the Golden Guardian. In the comics, he got killed off and cloned. In fact, one of my favorite Kirby moments is the Golden Guardian clone begging to be let out of his test tube so he can save the day.
So, strip away some of that and save it for the sequel. Rookie cop Jim Harper (yes, uncle to Roy Harper, in case you were wondering), walking the beat in Suicide Slum when he stumbles upon the fact that his world is being invaded. Not the most interesting part, so we need an actor who can imbue it with a great deal of humanity and not so much screentime. Think a nice guy (friend to the Newsboy Legion!) who goes from milquetoast newbie to badass warrior superhero. Oh yeah. Murphys our man.
Robert Duvall as Dan Turpin
Again, a small role, but an important one. Given that most of the cast is going to be either Apokolips or New Genesis, its important that the human element be extra-earthy. Turpin sounds deceptively easy tough-as-nails police sergeant in a derby hat But who can really strap on a bulletproof vest and a shotgun for the third act action sequence? I racked my brain before coming up with Duvalls brief appearance in the trailer to We Own The Night. Yeah, thats Terrible Turpin. Hell principally be there to yell about how hes going to suspend Harper if this weirdo-war doesnt get sorted out.
Jet Li as Kanto
Hmmm actor tired of martial arts epic canonically superhuman fighter yeah, that sounds about right. True, an Asian actor playing an alien who models himself off of a Renaissance assassin may seem a little odd, but if audiences can accept a break-dancing Transformer, they can take the Jet.
Clancy Brown as Darkseid
You cant improve on perfection. Throw some green paint on that Gollum guy, give WETA a call, bring the Kurgan in for some voiceovers bam! Youre done.
Charlton Heston as Highfather
Heston was my first thought, and Ian McKellan hit seconds later. Ian McKellan could do the wise old man schtick in his sleep and thats the problem. Audiences are comfortable with him in that role. Back to the drawing board. I thought about James Hong, but then why would an Asian man have a British son? The audience will believe big errors, but not the small.
Now, Izaya isnt just your typical wise man. Hes also a steel-hard military commander-in-chief who fought Darkseid to a stalemate. He may not get up and throw people around anymore, but hes a badass. So I thought what about Clint Eastwood? No. People would never be able to divorce Clint the actor from Izaya the character.
So, if Heston is still doing work, get him a fake beard and hand him the peace staff. Hes got a war to win.
Jeffrey Combs as DeSaad
Character actor paradise. And who better than best character actor ever Combs to bring Darkseids sadistic chief torturer to life? You know that part of the action movie where the heroes get tortured? Imagine Jeffrey Combs turning that scene to eleven inside an evil carnival. Yeah.
Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Beautiful Dreamer
The one holdover from Forever People, and only because her capture is a great springboard into the story. Not the biggest part around, but her illusion powers should turn the tide in a pivotal scene. And imagine the scene where she and Barda compare notes? Fun.
Orlando Bloom as Lightray
Oh, let the controversy stream in. Lightray is the closest thing to an average New Genesis man the audience will be spending time with, so he has to sell us on how awesome Supertown is. Basically, the part calls for him to be pretty, exuberant, and bounce witty repartee off the rest of the New Gods like theres no tomorrow. I think Bloom has the chops to pull it off.
Robert Patrick as Metron
At first I was thinking Sam Neill or Cliff Curtis. Again, character actor heaven. Hes a duplicitous scientist willing to sell out both sides for a tasty morsel of information. A small part, but really cool in the proper hands. He doesnt have much to do, but he contributes a lot of awe and mystery to the surroundings. And come on, Rob-P just has that thousand-yard stare and sinister aura of someone whos been from either side of the universe and isnt too impressed.
Brian Thompson as Kalibak
Ooh, tough one. Tough one, tough one, tough one. At first my thoughts were drifting towards Nathan Jones just a big tough guy who throws Orion around a little before getting bumped off. But this is APOKOLIPS. The bad guys need to be top-tier, just like Granny Goodness. Besides, this guy is the fourth corner of the Scott-Orion-Darkseid rectangle (Highfathers probably in there too). So he needs to be able to hold his own acting-wise. Not Shakespeare, but not a bunch of grunting and drooling either. Dont ask me why, but I started thinking Ray Wise. No, too old. Tim Olyphant? Nah.
I was leaning towards Rolf Moeller before settling on Brian Thompson, probably best known as the Alien Bounty Hunter from X-Files. Hed be able to deliver some lines more potent than RRRRRARGH! and UGH!, plus hes got that certain cojones-ness to make you think Darkseids kid.
So, without further adieu, my nerd credentials. (Is this incredibly self-indulgent and a pointless waste of time? Yes. Is it funner and more constructive than ranting about Dan Didio? You bet your ass!)
Kristanna Loken as Big Barda
This one was surprisingly easy. With someone like Wonder Woman, you need acting, filling out the suit, ethnicity, strength, feminism, et al. With Barda, its drastically simpler. Theres one key element: Physicality. Barda has to be tall and imposing as ****.
For a moment I was leaning towards Claudia Black, genre badass supreme, but she pretty much already did the abandon the paramilitary fascist force for love arc on Farscape. A few other names were tossed around (Rosario Dawson maaaaybe?), but no, it had to be Loken. Just get her some black hair dye, bulk her up a little, and hand her a Mega-Rod. Mission accomplished.
Ewan McGregor as Scott Free
Much harder this one. My conception of Scott Free is this easy-going, laid-back, gallant Prince Charming who doesnt wallow in his emo man-pain, even though hes earned it. Kicked out of paradise, raised in hell yet aside from some nightmares and the occasional anxiety attack, this guys pretty chipper. So we need someone who can pull off boyish charm and also high-minded angst, plus be a credible action hero for when the clock strikes Tony Jaa oclock.
Ben Browder (yes, I have been on a Farscape kick recently), a buffed-up Alan Tudyk, even Christian Bale nothing seemed to be working. Then I thought Down With Love mixed with the occasional YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE! from RotS. Oh yeah. Thats our Scott Free.
Judi Dench as Granny Goodness
I know Granny gets played for camp most days but what if she wasnt? This is Darkseids right-hand woman, after all, and the lady who tortured Scott from infanthood up. When Scotts terrified of her, we should emphasize. When Scott kicks her ass, we should cheer. So it makes no sense to deliberately make the audience wonder why Scotts quivering in fear at an old lady.
At first I was thinking Glenn Close, Angela Lansbury, Meryl Streep whoevers rent came due first. And Meryl Streep hey, she was pretty evil in The Devil Wore Prada, right? But that was a whispery, passive-aggressive kind of evil. Granny Goodness needs to CACKLE. Then I started wondering what would happen if you took Judi Denchs M and gave her a super-creepy milk-and-cookies vibe. Oh yeah. Plaster her face onto a stuntwoman for the action sequences and go to town.
Udo Kier as Virman Vundabar
Do I even have to explain this one? Apokolips should be packed with so many character actors that it puts Rob Zombies Halloween to shame (not that it needs any help in that department). The archetypal German villain actor for the archetypal German villain. Prussian. Whatever.
Makes sense to me.
Clive Owen as Orion
Another toughie. At first, dont ask me why, I was thinking Kurt Russell. But no, Orion and Scott should be from roughly the same generation. So then I stayed on the tough guy schtick Gerald Butler hmmm but eventually it came down to my idea that Scott and Orion should be mirrors of each other, in a sense. So while Scott has this charming British accent, Orion has this dirty soccer hooligan kind of talk. That, and when his disguise gets stripped away and he turns out to be as mudpatchy in the facial area as daddy dearest, women should still say Id hit that.
Cillian Murphy as Jim Harper/Golden Guardian
Every story about aliens duking it out on Earth needs a human to keep score. In my perverted mind, its only fitting that be a Kirby character. But who? There were humans in New Gods, but they were all pretty forgettable. Theres Ted Brown, son of the original Mr. Miracle, but I think there are already enough father-son dynamics going on. Save that one for the sequel.
I wanted someone to play the Jimmy Olsen role, as per the first appearance of the First World, but obviously not Jimmy Olsen himself. Then it hit me. Jim Harper, the Golden Guardian. In the comics, he got killed off and cloned. In fact, one of my favorite Kirby moments is the Golden Guardian clone begging to be let out of his test tube so he can save the day.
So, strip away some of that and save it for the sequel. Rookie cop Jim Harper (yes, uncle to Roy Harper, in case you were wondering), walking the beat in Suicide Slum when he stumbles upon the fact that his world is being invaded. Not the most interesting part, so we need an actor who can imbue it with a great deal of humanity and not so much screentime. Think a nice guy (friend to the Newsboy Legion!) who goes from milquetoast newbie to badass warrior superhero. Oh yeah. Murphys our man.
Robert Duvall as Dan Turpin
Again, a small role, but an important one. Given that most of the cast is going to be either Apokolips or New Genesis, its important that the human element be extra-earthy. Turpin sounds deceptively easy tough-as-nails police sergeant in a derby hat But who can really strap on a bulletproof vest and a shotgun for the third act action sequence? I racked my brain before coming up with Duvalls brief appearance in the trailer to We Own The Night. Yeah, thats Terrible Turpin. Hell principally be there to yell about how hes going to suspend Harper if this weirdo-war doesnt get sorted out.
Jet Li as Kanto
Hmmm actor tired of martial arts epic canonically superhuman fighter yeah, that sounds about right. True, an Asian actor playing an alien who models himself off of a Renaissance assassin may seem a little odd, but if audiences can accept a break-dancing Transformer, they can take the Jet.
Clancy Brown as Darkseid
You cant improve on perfection. Throw some green paint on that Gollum guy, give WETA a call, bring the Kurgan in for some voiceovers bam! Youre done.
Charlton Heston as Highfather
Heston was my first thought, and Ian McKellan hit seconds later. Ian McKellan could do the wise old man schtick in his sleep and thats the problem. Audiences are comfortable with him in that role. Back to the drawing board. I thought about James Hong, but then why would an Asian man have a British son? The audience will believe big errors, but not the small.
Now, Izaya isnt just your typical wise man. Hes also a steel-hard military commander-in-chief who fought Darkseid to a stalemate. He may not get up and throw people around anymore, but hes a badass. So I thought what about Clint Eastwood? No. People would never be able to divorce Clint the actor from Izaya the character.
So, if Heston is still doing work, get him a fake beard and hand him the peace staff. Hes got a war to win.
Jeffrey Combs as DeSaad
Character actor paradise. And who better than best character actor ever Combs to bring Darkseids sadistic chief torturer to life? You know that part of the action movie where the heroes get tortured? Imagine Jeffrey Combs turning that scene to eleven inside an evil carnival. Yeah.
Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Beautiful Dreamer
The one holdover from Forever People, and only because her capture is a great springboard into the story. Not the biggest part around, but her illusion powers should turn the tide in a pivotal scene. And imagine the scene where she and Barda compare notes? Fun.
Orlando Bloom as Lightray
Oh, let the controversy stream in. Lightray is the closest thing to an average New Genesis man the audience will be spending time with, so he has to sell us on how awesome Supertown is. Basically, the part calls for him to be pretty, exuberant, and bounce witty repartee off the rest of the New Gods like theres no tomorrow. I think Bloom has the chops to pull it off.
Robert Patrick as Metron
At first I was thinking Sam Neill or Cliff Curtis. Again, character actor heaven. Hes a duplicitous scientist willing to sell out both sides for a tasty morsel of information. A small part, but really cool in the proper hands. He doesnt have much to do, but he contributes a lot of awe and mystery to the surroundings. And come on, Rob-P just has that thousand-yard stare and sinister aura of someone whos been from either side of the universe and isnt too impressed.
Brian Thompson as Kalibak
Ooh, tough one. Tough one, tough one, tough one. At first my thoughts were drifting towards Nathan Jones just a big tough guy who throws Orion around a little before getting bumped off. But this is APOKOLIPS. The bad guys need to be top-tier, just like Granny Goodness. Besides, this guy is the fourth corner of the Scott-Orion-Darkseid rectangle (Highfathers probably in there too). So he needs to be able to hold his own acting-wise. Not Shakespeare, but not a bunch of grunting and drooling either. Dont ask me why, but I started thinking Ray Wise. No, too old. Tim Olyphant? Nah.
I was leaning towards Rolf Moeller before settling on Brian Thompson, probably best known as the Alien Bounty Hunter from X-Files. Hed be able to deliver some lines more potent than RRRRRARGH! and UGH!, plus hes got that certain cojones-ness to make you think Darkseids kid.
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