Jaws: The Hype Beach Massacre

[DOG LIPS]

i dont want to die, i hate sharks.

Maybe you can BE the shark.

 

[Holly Goodhead]

forget it, this is so 2 minutes ago now.

 

[DOG LIPS]

Fine, I'll give a horrific, bloody, detailed shark death to someone else then.

 

[Holly Goodhead]

go ahead!

 

[BEER]

will you two shut up and make out already

 

[DOG LIPS]

go ahead!

I will!!

 

[Holly Goodhead]

I will!!

take your pants off!

 

[DOG LIPS]

take your pants off!

No, you!

 

[Holly Goodhead]

No, you!

pervert

 

[DOG LIPS]

Nympho.

 

[Holly Goodhead]

was it good for you?

 

[bored]

Whatever happened to bored?

 

[DOG LIPS]

Whatever happened to bored?

He got bored and left.

 

[Flexo]

Yaaarrrggghhh. Bout time ye butt lubber.

My clothes are all in pawn
Go down you blood red roses, go down
And it's mighty draughty around Cape Horn
Go down you blood red roses, go down
Oh, you pinks and posies
Go down you blood red roses, go down

It's round Cape Horn we've got to go
Chasing whales through ice and snow

Oh my old mother she wrote to me
My darling son come home from sea

Oh it's one more pull and that will do
For we're the bullies to kick her through

What I be tryin' ta say is this, ya done good, matey.

 

[DOG LIPS]

Now. ....That's right, NOW. Now, now. Right ****ing NOW.....



DL helped MB get the oxy tank on his back, then helped him to the side of the boat. DL looked past him into the dark water and frowned at the idea. MB reached down and hit a switch underneath the rail. A line of floodlights lit up on the bottom of his boat, illuminating the water all around them.

MB: "Ok, now if that machine over there beeps, you yank my pole and I'll know to s*** my pants, then die."

DL: "What?"

MB: *Sigh* "I said pull the rope attached to my waist if that machine beeps so I know something is coming."

DL: "Gotcha."

MB: "Help me into the water."

DL then put his boot against MB's face, and before MB could protest, DL roughly shoved him off the boat. MB stayed at the surface long enough to mimic a lever attached to his right hand, turning it with his left, and slowly raising his middle finger. He then went under and started swimming towards the seabed.


DL yawned, then looked around the deck of the boat. He saw a cooler against the side and grinned. He then ran over to it and cracked it open. Inside there were several bottle of wine, and several bottles of lotion. He wondered what the lotion was for, then he saw a hidden copy of "Man-Juggs" magazine.

DL: "That sick son of a lard."

DL then popped open a bottle of wine and took a sip of it. He immediately passed out and fell back hard on the deck, snoring loudly. He never was much of a drinker.


MB made his way down into the murky water towards the boat. Even with the lights from the boat, it was hella dark down there. ....Hella. He pointed his flashlight at the side of the boat as he swam along. He stopped at a huge gaping hole in the side. It looked as if something had crashed into it and sunk it. He then saw a DVD case sticking into a crack in the hull of the boat and he grabbed it and wrestled it free. He held it in front of his mask and shined his flashlight on it. "Chuck Norris 1 Second Abs. Simply open the case and the DVD will do the rest." He thought about how it made no sense, how the hell could you do a 1 second workout and get abs? He looked back into the darkness and saw no movement. He then looked at his line and saw no warning from DL, so he decided "Eh, what the hell." And he slowly opened the DVD case. Just as he did, a foot flew out of it and kicked him in the stomach so hard he almost spit out his mouthpiece. He dropped the case and rolled around in pain. He let out a muffled scream and silently cursed the DVD case in his head. After a few moments, and relaxed and was shocked to feel that his fat gut was a little less fatass. He looked at the ocean floor and saw his flashlight had fallen a few feet away from him. Before he could reach down and get it, a small light inside the boat caught his attention. He looked into the darkness and saw a strange glow coming from within. It looked like a small neon light, jammed into something. MB reached in and grabbed a hold of it and lightly tugged on it. It didn't budge. He then put his foot against the side of the boat and after a second, gave it a huge yank, pulling out a corpse on top of him. The body was beefy and mangled, but he recognized that it was Dante from some naked pictures DL had shown him. The neon nite-light was jammed in the corpse's ass, and he doubted the shark had done it. MB screamed loudly and spat out his mouth piece, then swam as fast and as hard as he could to the surface, filling his panties the whole way up with feces.

 

[Flexo]

A Chuck Norris workout DVD? BRILLIANT!

 

[Flexo]

DL: That's it! Tell everyone that the beaches are closed.

Beach Kids: OH NOES!!!!1!

Mayor Lee (Newly elected): Damnit, children! Come back here and put suntan lotion on me! Uh... I mean, damnit children, come back! The beaches aren't closed!

DL: Damnit man, I enjoy watching children frollick at the beach as much as any man, but the beaches must be closed!

Damnit, he's right! People have been killed by Richard Kiel!

Richard Kile: What did you say?

MB: You heard me. JAWAS! Er... SHARK JAWS!

 

[Flexo]

Samuel L. Jackson: And there's not a got damned thing you can do to stop the snakes. Or planes. Or sharks. Trust me, I starred in Deep Blue Sea. Mutha****er.

Govna Lee (Newly elected): Oi, I just remembered I'm a 'orrible British stereotype. And as such, I'm going to 'ave to keep a stiff upper lip and forget about those eaten'.

Beach Kids (Running in reverse): Oh yeah!

Kool-Aid Guy: Little *****es stole my line.

 

[Spider-Man Luvr28]

^ Lol.

 

[Da Docta]

[forced]This thread is awesome[/forced]

 

[PhotoJones]

great work!

 

[GreatWhiteShark]

This crap is slander! I'll sue all of your asses!

 

[Da Docta]

*Searches for a .gif that has the words "You're not funny!" in them*

 

[Flexo]

This crap is slander! I'll sue all of your asses!

You and what army? Huh, HUH?!

 

[Shark]

You and what army? Huh, HUH?!

This army, Chum-face.