So, the other day I got a phone call from my rich, male, white, hetero, christian, American friend, Freedom®. He needs our help. He says he now comes in an easy to open container that can be purchased for the low, low price of $5.95 (plus all applicable taxes and souls) at your local Wal-Mart. All he asks is that we spread him all over the Earth. That doesn't sound too hard. He said that the 14 year old in Malaysia who works in the plant that manufactures the new container assured him that they were failsafe. He and his friends appearently work 16 hours a day and are under very strict regulations to ensure that each jar of Freedom® can be opened by our most frail and unused of hands. Freedom® assures me that our little malaysian pal wants nothing more than for our hands to be healthy, clean and cosmetically sound so that he and his friends can watch us sail our pretty boats, fall in love with our pretty women and drive our pretty cars. You see, he's heard so much about us and plans to buy his family a television in 9 years (he has a dream). I smiled when I heard this. I mean, imagine, all we have to do is spread Freedom®, the all-natural, all-chemical, all-encompasing seed of happiness and this young man could do anything with his future. Amazing. Now this being only my second encounter with Freedom®, verbaly or otherwise, I asked him a little about himself. "America" he said, "is where I am from." I asked him how he would describe himself, to which he replied; "As being American." I mentioned that in order for any ideal, thesis or definition to exist a counter-part or opposite must exist as well. He said; "I am Freedom®, my opposite must be Oppression." I asked him how he could ever expect to extinguish an idea that must remain in order for him to exist. He hung up. Freedom® is a word. It's an idea. It's not a sense of pride and is individual to everyone. No flag, colour, race, creed, anthem, class, sexual orientation or gender will ever define it. It cannot be spread. It cannot even be realised by many because it is, by nature, something to which we are in constant pursuit. Wake the **** up. * The word Freedom® and the capital letter F are trademarks of the United States of America and may only be used with their expressed consent. Any unauthorised use of said trademarks will result in the immediate decapitation of the offender.