Mr. Webs' Joke Thread....Returns!

Mr.Webs

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Cue Imperial March theme.;)

Yes, for years I had the Mr. Webs' Joke and Comedy Bar, until it sadly just petered out. But now, it is back, and hopefully better than before. So now let's begin with the funny.

The Differences Between Men and Women

Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Leg Warmers
A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring
Ah!, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail..........etc.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating Out
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer
 
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
 
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
 
I don't take drugs - I'm not even an athlete.

Why is it that Easy Listening music is so hard to listen to?
 
Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

This really doesn't make much sense. I've always found women to be a little bit more attachmental.

These jokes suck aka:

jay1.jpg


And you do not have a paid sidekick. :o
 
....It's a joke. It's not supposed to be true.:confused: That's why it's a joke.

Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was asalted.
 
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

If you took all the students who fall asleep in class and lined them up end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
 
Oh. Ok. :up:

KevinEubanks.JPG
A-ha, heh, heh, that's cold Jay. You too much. A-ha, heh, heh, A-ha

*mumbles to self* 'I may not have any dignity, but I'm still getting paid.'

A-ha, heh, heh, A-ha

:)
 
God, that show is annoying. I can't wait until Conan gets his spot in 2009.:(

Always write in complete sentences. Always.
 
A man walks into a bar.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

What do you call a Fly without wings?
A walk

What does a Golfer have for dinner?
A Sand-wedge

Two beavers swimming down a river, one swims into a concrete wall, turns to the other and says "Damn"

Two snowmen stood in a field, one turns to the other and says "Can you smell carrots?"

Two balloons in the desert, one turns to the other and says "Watch out for that cactus"ssssssssssssssssssssssssss

A white horse walks into bar and the barman says "This pub's named after you", the horse says "What, Derrick?"

Two monkeys, one is getting into a hot bath, he says "oooh, ee, ooh, ah ah" the other monkey says "put some cold in it"

Did you hear about the prostitute who had an extra vagina surgically stitched to her hip? No? She, wanted to make a bit of money on the side..

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts"

A blind guy and his dog walk into a bar. The blind guy picks up the dog by his tail and twirls him around over his head. The bartender says "Hey man ,what on earth are you doing?" the blind man replies "Just looking around."

A man walks into the butchers, and asks where the butcher's assistant is.
Butcher: I had to fire him, he was sticking his dick in the bacon slicer.
Man: What happened to your bacon slicer?
Butcher: I sacked her too.
 
Mr.Webs said:
I don't take drugs - I'm not even an athlete.

Why is it that Easy Listening music is so hard to listen to?
Webs!!! Good to see you again
 
comicgirl said:
Webs!!! Good to see you again
It's very nice to see you again, too.:D How've you been?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
 
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at
the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. However, Jim
felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a
deformity too.
Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My
penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.
She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant
size penis."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, holding one another... As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"
 
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the
woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your
birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your
coworkers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
 
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."
 
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
 
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
 
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
 
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
 
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
 
Elisha Cuthbert said:
This thread...owns. You still rock so badly, Mr. Webs.
Wow, thanks. Never heard that I rock before.:cool: Hey, were you ever under another screename? You make it sound as if you were here for the original thread.
______________

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
 
Mr.Webs said:
Wow, thanks. Never heard that I rock before.:cool: Hey, were you ever under another screename? You make it sound as if you were here for the original thread.
______________

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
yeah, i was jolly johnny and then i got banned. Then i was 20 other screennames, and those all got banned. So yeah.
 
Elisha Cuthbert said:
yeah, i was jolly johnny and then i got banned. Then i was 20 other screennames, and those all got banned. So yeah.
Ah, yes, jolly johnny. I remember you.:up: What were you banned for, my friend?
_____________________

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
 
Mr.Webs said:
Ah, yes, jolly johnny. I remember you.:up: What were you banned for, my friend?
_____________________

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
my lovely fan fics. I made one about Dew that I will regret for the rest of my existance on the hype. :o
 

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